Whatta Day

Its almost 3 in the morning when I write this; probably the farthest I have been in my life blogging. A bit of pending work and bumping myself into someone interesting close to midnight made sure that I am still awake at this time of the morning. What a day this has been. Action packed I should say. And it would be unfair if I don’t mention this day in my blog. All of it was going normal till I came back from jog in the morning. My manager in the US called me up to inform that has decided to quit. MY obvious response was “you’ve got to be joking here boss”. I wanted that to be one of his usual pranks; but he was dead serious about it. The conversation was short; and he asked me to be in office early as there is a meeting to discuss this scenario. Jeez… what a start to the day. For me it was a jolt in the blue, because he has been my insulation shield from my big bosses there. Now that he is no longer there, I would have to be reporting to the Chinese big bosses there – scary thought. It’s going to be Chuk De China from now on. I reached office early [anything before 11 in the morning is categorized as early for me. I reached at 10:45 today], and discussions started amongst the team. My seniors in the team were more rattled than me, as my boss was really good. After the usual remorse on loosing someone good and cynical skepticism that we would never get anyone as good as him, we went for lunch [so no work so far].

Once we had completed lunch, the TV in our cafeteria started giving a “Breaking News”. Serial terror blasts in Bangalore. Startled, we got ourselves glued into the TV set. The first place where the bomb exploded was the Madiwala Bus Shelter. Jeez… that’s so close to my place. That’s the place where I get down from the bus every time I go to the church. It could have well happened when I was there sometime. The TV channels were calling it as a terror strike, and the murmur against terrorism and government not able to tackle it started. Bringing a shiver to my spine, I realized that MS could have been in that locality at that point of time, as it’s a Friday and he goes to the mosque in Madiwala every Friday. The time was almost the same when the Friday afternoon prayers get over. I rushed out of the TV room, and started to frantically try calling him. The network had already become jammed, with the panic driven citizens enquiring about their dear and near ones. And when I finally got through the network, MS was not picking up the phone. My worries started to increase, and continue trying him. But the network was not allowing the call. The all of a sudden I got a message – it was from him. He is in training, and would call back once the training gets over. To say that I was relieved would be an understatement. I tried calling up all the others and made sure that everyone is safe. Also my folks down in Kerala were informed so that they don’t get a panic attack. Once all of that was done, I took up a seat in the TV room and started to keenly follow the events unfolding. Terrorism is always a bad thing, and when it happens very close to you, it becomes even harder. You fail to comprehend the motives behind these events, and only an insensitive, mentally challenged set of people would be able to do these ruthless things to their fellow human beings. I was in the TV room till around 4 in the evening [I haven’t even connected my laptop to office all day], and then decided to do some work at least. That was when everyone in the team decided to go home as it was not safe outside. I didn’t understand the logic there, as I felt safer in my office than on the road in a panic driven situation. So I decided to defy the team whip to go home, and stayed back in office. Hmmm… the abstentions and defections against the party whips in the recent confidence vote are starting to have its impact on me as well. I have also started to defy whips… Good going son…

The work made me remain in office till 7, and when I peeped out of my window was even scarier. There were huge snarls of traffic piled up on the road. This was going to take an eternity before I reach home – that was for sure. And to make matters worse, my cab was cancelled. Now I need to take some other method of commutation. So my adventure started. After around 2 hours which I took to cover around 3 kilometers to my house, I reached home by around 9 in the night. I was completely exhausted [strange that I say this – since this is one day when I worked the least in my whole professional career]. Just wanted to sleep, and that was when I bumped into this person. I rate myself as very poor when it comes to getting on with people. There are certain aspects about me and my behavior that makes me not the most “attractive destinations” around. So people would say “bye” much faster than they say a “hi”. But for a change things were different today – or am I trying to convince myself something that’s not the case. We hit along nicely. Chatted long – the whole of two and a half hours. Every thing under the face of earth came up for discussion. A very interesting person I should admit – and a very patient one of it as well. Otherwise to suffer me for this long duration is no child play. Again, a very organized person. I don’t know why I keep on bumping against people who are extremely opposite to me – everyone from AR to this guy is extremely organized in life. Compare with me who is chaos personified. I guess it’s my curiousness to know what it is to be organized that makes me keep on bumping to people who are organized in life. Probably it’s that curiousness that makes them to be in touch with me – at least till that curiosity goes away. And once that curiosity goes off, they just walk away as if nothing had happened. These days things are better – I think I react better to these kinds of responses. No longer do I feel upset about it. I have had so much of it all my life that it’s become an accepted norm in my life. Let’s see how far the curiosity of this person remains.

End of it all, I look back and ask – whatta day!! Started with a shock, then went into horror; and then to finish it off there was a new friend created [at least for me]. Life to have spice, do need all the emotions…

Early Morning Park

Every morning I go for a jog in the park near my house. That is one real beauty of Bangalore. There are lots of these small parks all across the city, where you can go and spend some time. If even in this hustle and bustle of an emerging metropolis, the city can boast of so many parks, it would have been really interesting to see how good things were before all these scores of people migrated to this city. This city accepted everyone who came in with open arms; and provided shelter and livelihood for millions. Now one of the fastest growing cities in Asia, Bangalore still has a bit of old charm to it. Parks are one of the many things that make this city revisit its old age legacy. The park that I go for a jog always has lots of activity around from very early in the morning. I generally reach the park with AR by around 6:30, and by that time there would be lots of joggers and walkers around. Guess Bangalore still has lots of people who get up early. It’s a real sigh – the park, with a whole host of people doing exercises in all possible genres – ranging from normal walk to the yoga, from some aerobic stuff to the laughter clubs. A whole spectrum of lifestyles is visible there very early in the morning. Over the period that I have been going to the park, I have realized that the people who come in for the jog are more or less the same. You have small kids out there who walk along with their parents, having a good time of it – enjoying their time out. There are these school/college going kids who come there with their friends who come along to enjoy a cocktail of chatting with friends and a bit of exercises. Then there are these youngsters who come along with their spouses/partners enjoying the togetherness on a cozy morning tipped with a little bit of exercises. The middle aged folks would be walking around with thoughts on their mind and fat levels in their thoughts. And finally there are the senior people who come to the park reveling in what is their twilight in their life. All in all it’s a wonderful spectrum of people who come along.

In a few days you start getting familiar with the people around there. An occasional smile when you meet, then soon turns into a “Good Morning”, and then a “How are you”. You feel as if you know these people know you decent enough. There will be these small kids who will peep through to see if anyone is noticing them, and when they realize that someone is noticing them, the immediately hide themselves behind their parents. There is one tiny little girl who almost on a daily basis tries to get my attention. We literally play hide and seek all morning in the park. To say that her smile is infectious is an understatement. She comes to the park with her parents every morning. Initially she is enthusiastic about walking, but that enthusiasm lasts for only around 10 minutes. Then she sits on her dad’s neck as the dad walks around the park. She sits there like a princess watching everything. When I come across her during the jog, she would be carefully watching me, and when I pass a smile on her, she would just take away her face. She is impatient to know if I am still looking at her. Then there are these sudden glances at me to see if I am still looking. It’s just so beautiful. They say kids have the ability of take away all the pains of the world with their smile. I guess that is right. She lives in a world of her own – a world that has no worries, a world where everything is new and exciting. So sad that her world would change in a few years time when she would start going to school… then to college… then to work… then a career… family… How good it would have been if you were always of that age. No tensions in life; no project deadlines; no pressures of releases – just lighten up the world with that infectious smile of hers.

Life is something like this morning in the park – isn’t it? People come into your life; they start with a “Hi”, which if everything goes fine turns into a relationship. And in between you might bump against someone like the little girl in the park who might just conquer you by their presence…

Thoughts On A Rainy Morning

There are times in one’s life when you look back and ask – why is it that so much bad things happen to you so many times. This question haunts you to an extend where you feel completely uncomfortable with the entire premise. The frustrations that would have developed within you would have taken you to an entirely different level of cynicism and despair. The obvious reaction to anything and everything that happens would be – ah... I knew it was going to happen this way itself. No surprises in what is happening. In a way we tend to accept to ourselves that nothing good is going to happen. Is there something wrong in that? I tend to feel that there is nothing wrong in that sort of a thought process coming to your system. Maybe I am too cynical about life and its evolution. Maybe I am too pessimistic about things happening around me. Or maybe its just that I am used to things going horribly wrong for me, that I have stopped expecting things to happen good for me. I don’t know. Whatever be it, I have become more cynical, more pessimistic through these days. Work has been really hectic these days; and that unfortunately leaves very little time for me. In one way, its good – at least the time frame which I have being negative is lesser. But really, I am feeling exhausted after these hectic times. These late nights at work, getting up early in the morning have taken a toll on me in the sense that I am feeling weak within myself. It’s like your mind wants to do more; but the body just refuses.

As the D-day approaches for my friends to go away from me, I am trying desperately to visualize a life without them, and prepare for it. It’s easier said than done I guess. The more I try, the more difficult I become. The heavy workload that has come up these days in office means that I am getting to spend only very little time with them. The only time I get to see them is early in the morning when I and AR go for a jog together. Since AJ and I are in the same office campus, we get to see each other once in a day or so. It’s not about getting to see each other; it’s more to do with spending some quality time with them. Unfortunately that is not happening for me. Are there any surprises there? I want something; but circumstances just deny it for me. The first of the two will go off in a couple of weeks time, the second would go away in another two weeks after that. After that how would life be? I would be going to the jog all on myself – there won’t be an AR to wake me up at 6 in the morning everyday. I would be having my lunch all by myself – there won’t be an AJ who makes my lunch times so refreshing. My dinner table would have empty seats around me, as I would be the only one around. There wont be anyone who would just come up to me and say – thing would be ok tomorrow; so don’t worry. Over these years I have become so very dependent on them for everything. After knowing that they won’t be around for long, I have tried to be as much self reliant as possible; but each and every thing I do in my life makes me realize how much important they are for me; and how much I am going to miss them in my life. But then life never stops for anyone – does it? It just moves on…

In my quest to fill the vacuum that was going to be created by the departure of these guys, I started trying to make new friends. The introvert me all of a sudden became more of an extrovert, so that I can find someone with whom I can at least talk once in a while. The past few years, these guys gave me so much of comfort that I didn’t have to look beyond them for anything. It had its own side effects as well – I don’t have too many friends outside this company. I recently read something – relations are inherited from God to you; but friends are something that you create out of your efforts. How apt is that? It really makes sense – doesn’t it? It takes an eternity to get good friends; one should be extremely lucky for that. I felt that I was; in fact I took pride on it as well. Maybe I was over confident about my friendship. That could be the reason why they are just taken away from me. And now, when I try to start something new, I am not able to find any. Either people get bored of me and start ignoring me; or I don’t like them. So the search is still on. I hope this doesn’t end up as a never ending search. Just one person, that’s all what I am looking for. Don’t I have the luck for even that? It’s strange – isn’t it? When you have something, you are given plenty of it. And when you want something, you are completely denied. Such is life I guess.

The ugly face of my irritant knee is popping its face up yet again. A week back or so, I collapsed on the road while crossing. Since God had given a few more days of life for me, no vehicle ran over me. I lost strength on my legs all of a sudden, and I guess the problem was with the knee that was operated upon. I was not able to pick myself from the road; and lied there for around a minute or so, until someone from the other side of the road came over and picked me up. Good Samaritans do exist in today’s world – that’s the big learning that I got from that. But that was off course going to be followed up with a visit to the doctor. My doctor – who is an orthopedic surgeon in a famous hospital in Bangalore, is an interesting character. He looks like a book worm – with those huge spectacles and has a very pleasant face. I clearly remember him singing the song “Summer of 69” before he did my surgery in the operation theater with laughter accompanying it. In fact during that surgery, I became unconscious due to anesthesia hearing that song. It was back to him after the fall on the road. So over the weekend, I went to see him. Well, on predictable lines there is a sequence of tests that needs to be done. Scans, x-rays, blood tests everything. He seems to be not sure what is happening; and wanted to wait till all the results are back. Something within me says that its time for one more surgery. The doctor had already said after the last surgery that I need to be careful for the next couple of years or so. His prophesy has come correct. A little bit of pain has started yet again. Already the scars of the last surgery are there on my knees. It took so much time to get back to life from one tumor removal surgery. I am not sure how much more time it would take after the next – if at all one more surgery needs to be done. And these constant visits to the doctor have ensured that half of my precious weekend is now dedicated to the hospital. I am feeling more and sicker of these. There is at least one more problem for me that I know which would require a surgery. Looks like I am going to spend a whole lot of time in the hospital bed. Am I afraid of the surgery – probably not. The first time I was dead scared. Now it’s like going for an excursion or so. For a few hours you hand off your life to someone else; and go to sleep in a world without worries. And then, when you wake up, the only thing that hits you is the pain associated. Let us see how this goes about. I just hope that this time they won’t ask for a surgery. I would have to manage it all by myself this time, because the people who helped me out in the last surgery – AR and AJ would no longer be around me. It’s going to be a tough ask if I have to go through this.

Couple of weeks back, I went home to spend my weekend with my parents. And in expected lines, the question of marriage popped up big time. I was literally pushed to the corner with it; and after a whole lot of emotional scenes, I was forced to say a yes to it. They feel that I am running away from marriage because I am not willing to take up responsibilities in life. How will I make them understand that it’s not the reason. How will I make them realize that I am different; and that’s why I am running away from it. They won’t be able to hear what I have to say; neither would they understand and accept what I say. On the way back to Bangalore in the bus, I was feeling so very bad. A feeling of guilt had engulfed me in a very big way. Who am I to spoil the dreams of a poor girl who would come to my life through a marriage? Would I be able to give her the love she deserves? Is it so pathetic of me to be ruining someone else’s life because I don’t want a secret of my life to come out? I was feeling very much ashamed of myself. I wonder if I could have some guts to express myself. A good friend of mine says – “sex is not everything”. But sex is something in life, isn’t it? She would come into my life with expectations of how her partner would be in satisfying her physical needs. What a rude shock it would be for her when she realizes that her partner won’t be able to live up to her expectations? She is having to go through all of these because I am selfish to ignore her needs in an effort to hide the real me from her. Is this the fate for of all the closeted homosexuals on earth? I don’t know. The only thing that I made a conscious effort all my life was to make sure that I was never a reason for someone’s pain. But sadly I will falter in the biggest decision of my life. I just hope that no girl likes me. I would rather live in this present loneliness, rather than a life where I am a reason for someone’s pain. In this lonely life, I am the only one in pain. But in the other scenario, I would be the reason for pain for a whole lot of people…

It’s raining outside now. And it’s so beautiful, I love the rains even if that makes life in Bangalore miserable. I am just back from the jog, and as the rains start to come down, I wish some happiness as well starts drizzling in my life…

Nightmare In Real Life

I was thinking that things can’t go any further wrong for me in life; and as always life made me realize that my assumption was way off the mark. It’s been a real struggle to get over the fact that AR would soon be away from my life. And so far I have not been able to live with it at all. The way forward seemed to be a really tough one, with no solutions in sight. I tried to be as jovial as possible in front of AR, so that he doesn’t get an inclination of what is going through my mind. After all, the experiences that I have in my life made sure that putting in those “pasted smiles” came in quite naturally. As the date of his departure comes closer, so does the increase in the pain within. Somehow I managed to pull off these days, and in many ways AJ who understood how much I am attached to AR made things very comfortable for me. His presence definitely reduced the separation with AR; and I was slowly coming back to life; visualizing a life without AR around me.

It all started with a normal phone call from AJ yesterday evening. He generally calls me while he goes for his snacks to have a small chat and charter our dinner plans. Both of us work in the same campus, and many a times we travel together when our schedules meet. All these things get planned during this phone call everyday at around 5 in the evening. When he started talking his voice was a bit heavy. I could sense that. It happens only in two occasions for him – either when he is loaded with too much of work, or when he is upset with something. I knew that something was on my way. He said that his manager has asked him to go over to the UK for a couple of years on a damn good assignment. Did I hear that correct? My tongue just became numb for a moment. I had no idea what was happening, why it is happening. I literally froze. When I didn’t respond anything for a brief period, he woke me up asking whether I was busy at work or not. I told him a lie that my manager is around, and I would call back after some time; and the call ended thus.

I was in a state of shock. Why is this happening to me again and again? Three pillars on which my life revolved on – AR, AJ and MS, are just vanishing in a span of just a few months. I felt disturbed. I sat through a meeting at office till 8, but clearly my mind was not in it; it was a situation of physically present and mentally absent. My watery eyes made one of my colleagues enquire if everything is fine with me or not. As soon as the meeting got over, I called AJ again. Now he was busy in a meeting; but still he mentioned that he is going, and if everything went through, he would pack off by the middle of August. He would be late to get out of office, and hence said that he would come to my place by around 11 in the night so that we can talk. My dizziness hadn’t left me, and I was completely unaware of what I should be doing; packed up my bag, ate something on the way for the sake of eating something and left for home. Honestly, I was in a different world all together. I walked through that sub lane parallel to the main road; my mind nowhere in my control, almost being hit over by a car that came along. I was woken from thoughts up by a big honking from that car; the driver came out of the car and started abusing me. I apologized to him, as the mistake was clearly with me. Guess he was a decent guy, and once I apologized, he went away.

Once I reached my house, I was feeling some pain in my chest. I felt like vomiting… felt as if I am being choked to death… Some deep breaths were taken in to get myself back to normal. I was feeling heavy hearted; my limbs were like being immobile. I just fell over the bed without even changing my cloths. My watery eyes finally burst its banks as I could sense the tears rolling out of my eyes. The pain was becoming increasingly unbearable for me. I wanted to talk to someone so that I can reduce the pain – someone who could understand me. AR and AJ couldn’t be the ones as they are part of the reasons why I am feeling this way. MS is out of town as well. I had only person left to whom I could call – a new friend of mine whom I came to know just recently. It was almost 9:30 in the night, and I didn’t know if it would be the right time to call him or not, but still called him as the pressure was becoming unbearable for me. Thankfully for me, he was more than willing to talk with me and we talked for about half an hour, during which he tried to convince me about how to get out of this. We finished the call as he had some official stuff to do; but my restlessness was still very much on. This had been the most uneasy moments of my life so far; and I didn’t know how to get out of this.

I in my house was almost killing me. I decided to go out for a walk. The roads were soaked with the rains that poured down in the evening. Uneasy minds try to grab any comfort whatsoever that comes its way. I was desperately looking out for one; but couldn’t find any. I went ahead and sat on a bench in the nearby park. Sitting opposite to me in a bench were four guys after their dinner chatting about everything under the sun. A few months back they were easily me and my guys. How many times would we have come down to this park, sat there chatting till midnight; or until a police patrol drops bye and asks us to go home. How many times would all of us have sat on one of those benches, discussing things – ranging from problems at our families to what we want to be in our lives? Everything came back in a flash, and a sigh evolved from within me thinking of those wonderful days. Have I come to terms with those days never coming back again? Tears have been flowing from my eyes in an unstoppable manner. I was afraid if someone would see me crying. Hence I decided to walk back home. While walking back, I had one final glance at that bunch of four guys who were enjoying their times together, and hoped that their friendship would never have to see a day when it all falls apart. While walking back, I received a message from AJ saying that he has some urgent issues at office, and would be very late to come home. He said that we would meet up tomorrow morning.

I had pending work to do; but my mind was definitely not onto it. I decided that this was not the right time to do the office stuff, and took the easier route of getting out of the mess – go to sleep. Sleep as if nothing has happened. I tried to sleep, but it looked as if sleep has deserted me as well. Hours passed bye in my efforts to sleep, but I was completely unsuccessful in doing that. Those sweet memories of the times that I had with them were coming back time and time again. Once again I started to feel suffocated. I felt like vomiting. I prayed to God to make me sleep. Still the sleep was way off from me. The choking feeling was unbearable for me. I was finding it hard to breath. I felt as if I was going to get a heart attack. What if I die now? I was scared. When your mind is not in sound shape, your thoughts are a bit off the beat as well. There was no one in the house apart from me, and I wanted someone to be there. I wanted to talk to someone, and hence decided to call home and talk with my mom. I looked at my watch for the time, and it was showing 3 in the morning. Mom is always afraid when a call comes at an odd time. But this was an odd situation for me. I really felt at that point of time that I was going to die, and wanted to talk with her once. Hence I called her. I could sense the fear in her voice when she picked up the phone. I told her that there is nothing to worry and I just wanted to talk with her for some time. She asked me if everything is alright; and then we talked for about 10 minutes. She sensed that something was wrong with me; and asked me to come home one day earlier – start on Thursday itself. I don’t have leaves, and so I said that I would start only on Friday evening. I told her that I was not able to sleep for some strange reason; she just asked me to pray and then go to sleep. I hung up the phone promising to call back in the day; and renewed my efforts to get back to sleep. Sleep was still shying away from me, and the restlessness prompted me to move out of my bed and to the terrace of my building. I just sat there on the parapet of the building engulfed in the sweet memories of the past.

I was having absolutely no control over my emotions, and the suffocation continued. The feeling of being choked and a sensation for vomiting was overwhelming me. It overpowered me soon; and I vomited. Whatever little things I had eaten in the night got ejected from my stomach. Even after everything came out, the sensation of vomiting was not stopping. I continue to flush out air from my stomach accompanied by big groans. I was tired… I was exhausted… I sat down on the terrace and vented out a cry. I didn’t care a damn about anyone seeing it or not, because I was no longer in control of my emotions. Loads of tears would have flown from my eyes all through the night. As I sat there on the floor, I could see the sky brightening up, the sun coming out. The dawn had just broken. I hadn’t slept all through the night, and my face would have had a grumpy look to it. Sitting on that wet terrace had made my cloths wet as well. I decided to come down to my house before someone comes to the terrace. I changed my wet cloths, put in a new pair and laid down on the bed to put in the last effort for a sleep. Again it didn’t come. Is life so unjust to me that I have been denied a sleep as well?

I somehow made the time to be 9 in the morning; and started to come to office. While I was about to get out, I got a call from AJ saying that we would go to office together, and asked me to wait for 30 more minutes. I obliged, and in half an hour’s time, I reached his house. He was changing at that point of time, his brother was also there. AJ tried to crack jokes to ease up the tension in me, but all I could give was a little smile. In fact I was not even making eye contact with him as I was afraid I would break down again. He too must have sensed it, and hurried up with his stuff. We started on his bike to office, and the ride takes around 15 minutes from our place. Normally when we come together, it’s a time filled with jokes and fun. But today was different. There was deafening silence between us. When I reached my office, I got down, said bye to him. Once I reached my office, I logged into my messenger and immediately I got pinged by AJ. Guess he was waiting for me to come online.

AJ: why u were looking upset
Me: naa.. some office issues
Me: will finish it off by evening
AJ: so started saying lie to me
AJ: fabulous
Me: why do u think so??
Me: forget it man...
Me: I will be ok
Me: u know the reasons… dont u??
AJ: no... i just thougt ..how you willl feel...if i have to go.. and AR too....
AJ: I was so afried...so
Me: its a fact..
Me: Life will never ever be the same…
Me: but life never stops for an individual
Me: its going to be difficult..
Me: but then taking on difficulties is the name of the game..
Me: just pick up the pieces.. and then start fresh
AJ: hmm
Me: for the first time in my life I am afraid looking forward to life..
Me: guess its something that will stay for a couple of weeks max..
Me: after that it would all be fine
AJ: hmm..i understand

He is well aware of what I am going through. I gave all the politically correct answers. I know that’s not what is going through my mind… so does he… Loosing close ones to your heart is always difficult; especially the ones who have been together for years. In my case almost around a decade. More than just friends, we have become part of each other. And when they depart, it feels as if a part of you is parting ways with you. I don’t know how I will face tomorrow – a new world when they are not around. To be honest, I don’t know if I will survive to see that tomorrow.