The Anxiety Builds Up

Yet again I am at my native place on some sort of a vacation. But this time my visit is not similar to the ones that I had before. This time it could well be a trip that’s make or break. I am here with the intention of talking about the biggest secret of my life to at least my mom – provided I can muster up enough courage. Its horribly difficult to get that courage. When I started from Bangalore, I had told myself that I am gonna tell for sure. I would have rehearsed on how to tell a hundred times in my mind; each and every line. I prepared myself with the justifications that I would have to give for myself when I talk about this to my mom. I recollected all those articles that I had read about coming out. And in a way I made myself to believe that I have enough courage to spill out that biggest secret of my life. There was that fear within me on what would happen when I open myself up. But I tried to console myself saying that I would be strong and my love for my family would help me pull through this ordeal. With those thoughts I sent into sleep.

A new dawn was up, and I felt distressed. As my bus approached my town, I realized with an alarm within me that I was loosing the courage that I had mustered over the past few days. How dear would I have liked to mention these things to AJ first before I tell it at my home? My apprehensions about the acceptability from him stopped me from opening out to him. Now I have been pushed into a corner – proposals for my marriage are coming thick and fast; even though I have been successful in diverting all of them so far. But success can’t be guaranteed for ever in this aspect of life. More over there is my younger brother, who is in a stable relationship. Wouldn’t I be coming in the way of his life and happiness if I float around like this. I tried convincing my mom a few months back on getting by brother married before me; but the response that I got made sure that she was not buying that argument. That pushed me into a real corner… I was running out of time; and a decision had to be made. There was no way I would stand in the way of his life and his happiness. And when you are pushed to a corner like this, you have only one way forward – so reveal the reality. And hence decided to come out – at least to my mom. To make matters worse for me, there are a few relatives coming in today… I am not sure how long they would be here. And as long as they are here, I wont get enough time to talk to my mom.

One day has gone bye. I have not mustered enough strength to open myself in front of my mom. As a matter of fact, I feel within myself that I am loosing the strength that I thought I had. Its extremely difficult – going through this. Its as if you are pulled in different directions – in all possible dimensions emotionally. I don’t know if I would be able to pull through this; do what I had planned to do. I really hope that I would be able to get trough this; and be able to talk to my mom about this. I don’t know how she would react to all of this; in a way I am prepared to take in anything. The only thing that worries me is how she would take this. I just hope that there is as minimal pain as possible for her when I say this. I know that is wishful thinking; but I am hoping against hope at this point of time…

Article 377 And Me

Recently there was so much discussion about the gay crusade against injustice in this country hopefully reaching its logical conclusion with the pending case against the Article 377 of IPC, which can be in the most modest of terminologies possible can be called as a bullshit law, came up for its final set of hearing at the Delhi High Court. The entire gay community in this country seemed to have its hope pinned at that hearing. The hopes were raised for a favorable decision coming with the Health Minister of the country becoming vocal against the criminalization part of that rule. It was startling to realize that the Home Ministry was not keen on the decriminalization part. Now take that for the double speak – two ministries of the same government having completely divergent views about the same thing. As in the case of any orthodox society, the conservatives got the better of the liberals. Though the final verdict on this case is not out, its fairly evident where this case is going. The time for liberty has to wait; and Article 377 aint going anywhere. It will remain as part of the Indian Penal Code, as a tool for the state to target a group of people whom they perceive as pervasive and abhorrent. So where is this taking all of us? I am really not sure. Its back to the same old system that we were in. The century old law that was imposed on us by the colonial British, is no longer part of their constitution. But the Victorian principles that we still blindly follow, has ensured that it remains integral to the way the sexual minorities are looked upon in this country.

I am not an activist… nor would I hope to see myself marching in a gay pride parade proudly pronouncing what I am. I am just a normal man, afraid to express my sexuality. I am just a normal man, who lives in the closet hiding what he actually is. I am just a normal man, who wants to be himself – but cant. Maybe typical of the majority of gays that reside here. And how does all of this affect me in all? Well, before Article 377 is removed from the IPC, I would rather like to have it removed from the unwritten rules of my home; from the unwritten rules of my society. I cant go to my parents and say that I am gay; because I am afraid that they wont be able to handle it. The same applies to my best buddies. I have seen contempt that comes quite automatically in my friends when they hear of homosexuals. I have heard the amount of mockery that my colleagues make about homosexual relationships, when they come up for discussion. I am afraid of coming out in front of them; because they would just keep me out of their lives as if I am someone who doest warrant a place in their lives. Its “unnatural” for them. Its against the God’s wishes according to them. The orthodoxy that remains the most underlying aspect of our societal behavior makes sure that acceptance of this is something that is not going to happen any time soon. Its this Article 377 of our lives that I would like to go first… I know its wishful thinking; but as they say – hope is the entity that pulls life along. At this point of time, I don’t know if I have any hope left. I wish there was; because it’s a case of my existence as an individual. Its something that would define how I am looked upon in the society. And if amendments to Article 377 of the Indian constitution helps me to break those barriers in my home and in my society, I am more than happy to be still hopeful about it.

I am really worried about myself... I really am. It’s a petrifying thought that I could be booked just because I am in love. Just that my definition of love is different from what the majority of this country believes in. But just because I am a minority in the way I behave sexually, don’t I have the right to be myself. I am worried about the fact that any policeman could come and put me in jail because I am gay. I too have aspirations about being in love. I would love to be in a scenario where I can take the hand of the person whom I love, walk through a park, without having that ever lingering fear that some cop might come over and book me. I would like to be in a situation in life where I can go up to my parents and say to them what I am without the fear of being rejected from their lives and inflicting pains on their emotions. I would marvel to be in a situation where I can introduce the person whom I love to my friends, without having the fear that I might get booted out of my life. These are very small expectations that one has in his life; something that should be available quite readily. Unfortunately that’s the thing which is missing here.

As a person who lives a dual life, as a person who is in constant conflicts with his dual personalities, this societal change means a lot to me. It means to have the dignity of my individuality; regardless of my sexual preference. It gives a means for me to be myself without fear. Sadly, they remain just as hope. I can only pray… and hope… for things to change; for the world around me to accept me the way I am; and not to force me into being something that I never wanted to be. I would like my close buddies to accept me wholeheartedly when I tell them I am gay; and not to turn their faces away. That’s the amendment that I want in the unwritten laws of this society.

My New Blog Friend

In life you come across some very interesting people. There is this guy, whom I came across while on blog-roll. He is a fantastic blogger; whose writings have always captivated me for its sheer quality and the way its so close to the heart. I used to wait for anything that he writes; and would read them as early as I could once it gets posted. I knew this person for a few months now – and my acquaintance with him was in a way restricted to an occasional chat every once in a while. What makes this particular individual so very special is the way he tries to express the emotions – very much a close to the heart style of writing.

Its amazing how the world of blogging has helped individuals to express themselves; their feelings; their emotions. I use my blog to tell what I really feel within me, behind all those “pasted smiles” that I carry along. While I was reading this person’s latest post, I somehow felt that there is a whole lot more than what is written there. And hence in once of those late night chats with him, I asked him the reasons why he expresses himself in such a way. And the answer that I got was that he does it to express what he wants; but doesn’t have. That was kind of revealing for me. I thought about that statement for some time. And I felt that is one good reason to be blogging. He has used this blogging space that he has in front of him to create a virtual world where he is happy – far away from this maddening world; where things are ideal. What is the harm in that, I asked myself. If that is the way he finds happiness for himself, he should do it that way itself. And then when I read those posts again, I could find meaning in everything that he writes. I used to love him as a writer and his posts… now I have started to adore him as a person as well. My entire outlook towards him started to change. I really hope he gets all those things that he is yearning for; and he is ultimately happy in his life. Creativity is gift; something that God doesn’t distribute in wholesale. My new blog friend has it in abundance; and he uses it brilliantly to express himself. Something within me says that this chap is someone very very special.

There are a whole lot of things that gets hidden behind what someone sees. Its up to the person who sees to identify what is hidden behind. And many times in our lives, we go after what is visible outside; and forget to find the hidden aspect of it. The people who are successful in identifying the “hidden truth” are the ones who understand people; understand relationships. It’s a very rare quality to have in life; and lucky are those who have it. Unfortunate that I don’t categorize myself in that lucky group. Invariably, I go after what is seen in front of me, and I don’t bother to understand what is hidden from me; right in front of my eyes.

A Phone Call And More Frustrations

A phone call can change a whole lot of things. Today something similar happened with me. All these days, with AJ going, my mind was pre-occupied with that. But some time in the afternoon, my mom called me, spoke me about things that added to the problems that I am facing – as if there was any shortage in the number of problems that I have to face. The issue was the same old thing – marriage. Their concerns are valid – when their son is running away from marriage even when he has touched thirty years of his existence; and with his younger cousins almost getting married; its reason for worry for them. She was telling me about a marriage proposal that has come to me. My response was the usual one – cold shrugging answers which had “uninterested” written all over it. Then it was time for the emotional lines to flow from the other end of the phone. This is the thing that creates the most trouble for me. It’s as if I am becoming the reason for the sorrow of my mom; which for me is very much unacceptable.

I really don’t have a solution to this problem. I have been running away from marriage for long; and I can sense the frustration building up in my parents because of my entire approach. Time is fast approaching for me to choose between the two decisions that I would have to take – either live a dual life where I act perfectly straight for the rest of my life; or to open up to my parents on what I am. The chances of the second option working out for me are almost next to zero – as I am absolutely certain that my parents would never be able to accept it. Forget my parents, even by best buddies won’t accept that secretive part in me. Am I ready to live a life of isolation? These are things that I would have to keep in my mind when I take any decision on my future.

At times it’s really frustrating when you realize that your future doesn’t lie in your hands. Its driven by a whole lot of other things that are completely out of your control. If I was living in an open society – where I had the choice of living my life the way I felt is the best for me, I would have come out by now. I would probably have had a partner as well by this time. But sadly, that is not the case. We live in a society that still looks at being queer as a perfectly unacceptable entity. We adjust… adjust… and further adjust… until we realize that we are no longer what we are. We have simply become actors in a movie where the so-called societal laws are the directors of the movie. What is the purpose of claiming that we are independent, when a basic choice of sexuality is not open for us…?

Picking Up The Peices...

Well, the first week of AJ not being here is done with. It has been difficult; but somehow I have managed to scrape through these days. Slowly, but surely I am making those small steps to get back to my normal life. There are times when difficult memories start to haunt you. But reading has helped me to divert my attention a little bit. And then when it becomes beyond a limit that I can’t handle, I just allow myself to drift in those memories… That’s one thing that I have realized off late; when you get haunted by these memories, it worth a try allowing yourself to be drifted. Maybe it might give you some respite.

I got to talk with AJ on a couple of occasions this week – once over phone and once over a small chat, and he seems to be really happy with his new life there. In fact he seems to love his new environment. Strange is the way life goes… isn’t it?? Here are two individuals separated by miles; one still feels for the other, living in the past; and an another one who has moved on. I wonder what is the best approach in life – move on in life; or to mourn in the memories of the past? Moving on definitely is the more practical of the two; and as usual, the impractical person that I am, I have chosen the second option of living my life. Where is it going to lead me? I really don’t know; and I don’t have an answer to it. I look like someone who is jailed by the past of my life; someone who doesn’t look forward; someone who seems to be content with living alongside miseries. At times I hate myself for exactly these reasons. I am an emotional fool. Yeah… that’s the right word to describe me – an emotional fool. Otherwise why would I try to live like this? Maybe adding a “confused” as well to that might make sense – a confused emotional fool. Anyone who has even the slightest practical outlook of life would never indulge in something like this. But then, my mind is not a slate – you just wipe it off, and everything is clean.

I desperately want to move on in my life. I was so attached to AJ that everything seemed to be so empty without him. I don’t think he realizes how much I miss him. I don’t think anyone realizes how much lonely I feel these days. When those smiles refuse to come out of my lips; when those tears refuse to stop flowing; I indeed feel that I am all alone in this world. The same set of things would be repeated again in a month’s time or so when AR as well moves away. But I guess AJ’s departure would be more painful than AR’s; because AJ was so very special for me. At the same time when I see how easily AJ has managed to move on his life, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Is my obsession with those good memories of the past stopping me from moving on in life? I always knew that I am a whole lot more emotional a creature than many others around me. Hence it was almost certain that I would take much more time to recover from an emotional stress than what most others do. But this seems to be going for ever and ever – a never ending phenomenon. But do I have regrets about going through all of this? If I give a very honest answer, perhaps not… If destiny provides me with an opportunity to be with AJ again ever in my life; and then a painful separation, I would in all probability accept it with both hands. Not because I am in love with a painful life; but because I still yearn for those happy times with him. Somehow he just refuses to get out of my system… I can’t stop myself from asking a question to myself – what is AJ for me? I don’t have an answer. Perhaps he is everything – my best friend ever; someone whom I trusted the most. That would never change.

I am literally picking up the pieces left in my life and restarting it all. I am not sure how much successful I would be in this. I really want to succeed in this… But as usual, life doesn’t always give you things that you want… And at the end of it all, I ask myself that question which everyone dreads to ask - am I a looser???

Back In Town...

I am back in Bangalore – the city that provides me with my daily bread; the city where I am one in a million anonymous individuals. This obscurity is intimidating once in a while; but very effective when you are trying to run away from the rest of the world. I ran away from this city hoping that the change of cities would help me get out of a rut; but I am back here with the realization that I will have to get though it on my own. There were many things that were distinctly different from what used to happen in the past – no longer do I get that SMS “Reached??” on my mobile phone with AJ’s name flashing on the sender’s name; or no longer do I have that sense of expectancy once I reach here. It’s a new beginning for me I guess; something that needs to start from square one. And hence even in those strange backdrops I get back to the city I belong to.

There is an element of tiredness in me. The break has done no good for me – on the contrary, I feel more tired with all of this. Even now I am not able to concentrate fully at work. My mind wanders; seeks solitude; my colleagues say I look dull even with that smile that I try to paste without fail. Maybe it will take some time to get back to my normal self. After all, the human mind is not a slate – something that can be wiped off in a flash with a moist cloth. It resembles more to a wound which takes time to heal; and I feel I should give it the time to heal on its own. One of the things that I learned out of my failed escapade is about the worthlessness of running away from trouble. For a moment you feel that you are out of trouble, but in reality, it’s just taken a momentary pause. The moment you get back to a similar circumstance, those troubles come back at you at a vociferous pace; opening all those painful wounds. The only way to overcome troubles is to live through it; there are no escape routes in life. And hence I have started to live through it. Everything is feeling strange now – being going alone for lunch; or traveling alone to office. These are new in my daily routines – but am living through it; hoping that I would be able to restart my life which as of now looks like being in reset.

Let me see how far I can proceed in this…

Running Away...

I am writing this from somewhere very far away from Bangalore. In fact ran away from that city because I was feeling haunted by memories there. Everything that I look around had AJ in it. He left on Sunday morning, and by Sunday evening I realized that things were not much in control. Unable to sleep… not able to concentrate in work… all of that were yelling at me that if I wanted any little bit of sense remained in me, I should go away from this place as soon as possible. Hence I went out of the city on Monday itself. It was difficult getting leaves from office; but a bunch of lies ensured that leaves came in. As I took that overnight journey out of Bangalore out of my desperation to get out of the emotional run that I have been going through; I was still in doubt if I would be able to do that. And three days after that, things have not changed a bit. Probably he was someone who was very deeply attached with me.

I guess like everything in life, there are advantages as well as disadvantages of being too much attached in life... The good side is that everything seems perfect in such a relationship when things are going fine. But the flip side is that, when that relationship is going to end, you feel as if everything is going to end in front of you, and there is nothing beyond it. One seems to get overwhelmed with negativity in everything he thinks or does… But then, handling all these tricky things is the name of the game… isn’t it?

I find it very east to write that line… but extremely difficult to live by it… Probably that’s what they say as the yawning gap between principles and reality…

Good Bye To You My Trusted Friend...

Tomorrow AJ is leaving. His flight is very early in the morning. I have been spending the morning with him; helping him sort out his stuff. I don’t know what would be the right word to be using to mention what is going through my mind at this point of time. Is it happy, because my best friend is going on for something that he always wanted to do? Is it sad, because what used to be so much special for me is no longer going to be around when I am in need? Is it fear, because I don’t know what my life would be without him? Is it an anxiety, because I don’t know what to do once he is gone? Probably it’s a mixture of all of the above; and perhaps even something much more than that. How much would I want this day to never end? How much would I want for my life to be frozen at this point of time?

I tried a whole lot of things to make myself prepared for these couple of days. But looks like none of those efforts have had any effect on me. After all no one can ever replace what AJ is in my life. I was a fool even to try to think of alternatives. I should have realized that he is too important in my life to be replaced by anything. Today while we were sitting in front of an x-ray room, waiting for his turn to complete some medical formalities; and with my mind wandering in thoughts that were obviously sad, out of the blue he asked me a question – how will things go in the months ahead with both of us so far apart? I don’t know if he realized if that was the same question that has been eating me ever since he mentioned to me that he is moving out. Somewhere within me, something tells that this could well be the last time we get to see each other. I don’t know why I am getting this feeling; but it’s very strong in me. And that’s what makes this entire exercise extremely painful. And that’s exactly want makes every moment of mine fell as if I am in some sort of prison. I want to get out of this; but cant. I try things to get out of; but never succeed. Is there any end at sight for my misery?

At times I ask God in my prayers on what wrong I have done for so much misery to be piled on me. People whom I love, or want to be with walk away from me at an alarming regularity, leaving me all alone to wipe my tears. I at times wonder if I am destined to have any happiness at all. On the outside, people might think what’s wrong with me – decent work, decent living, good family, good friends; Life can’t be more perfect than this. But I don’t think anyone realizes the mental agony that I go through on a daily basis – when nights are filled with never ending flow of tears, when days are filled with apprehensions about the future. The “pasted smiles” that I successfully manage to put up every time makes sure that a very strong mask exists between what happens internally to me; and what the external world sees of me. But really I am getting very tired of all of these. I would like to break my inhibitions and tell the world what I really am; what I really think; and what I really want. Alas… I never got the courage to do so.

After all what is AJ for me? I really don’t know how to classify him. Without doubt he has been the closest person that I have at this point of time; and perhaps all of my life - someone whom I believe blindly; someone whose word I can never ignore; someone whose presence would bring in a smile on my face; someone who knows almost everything about me except the biggest secret of them all. I am very sure that he also feels about me the same way. But then why did he decide to go away from here? I don’t know how many chances of going away from Bangalore and making some decent money, I have declined in my life just for the sake of being with these guys. Was I stupid and impractical in all of that? I don’t know. Are relationships something that is on until its convenient; and to be thrown away when something better happens in life? I don’t think its correct on my part to expect anyone else to behave in the same way as I do things. But when you realize that, something for which you gave up a whole lot of good things that could have happened to you, is dripping away like beach sand drifting through the gaps in your fingers when you have your fist folded, I cant stop myself from thinking whether I am very impractical when it comes to relations…

AJ my dear… good luck… And be happy where ever you are… You will always be in my thoughts no matter how far you are… Thanks for all those good moments that you gave me… We may never get it again; but the memories attached with it will live in me for ever…

The lines of that famous Westlife song “Seasons in the Sun comes to my mind now…

Goodbye to you, my trusted friend; we've known each other since we're nine or ten.
Together we climbed hills or trees.
Learned of love and ABC's; skinned our hearts and skinned our knees.
Goodbye my friend, it's hard to die; when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air.
Pretty girls are everywhere; when you see them I'll be there.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time.

Filling The Void

Strange are the ways in which life evolves. When you feel that there is no hope left in life, out of somewhere there opens up a semblance of hope - something that would make you realize that all in not over for good in life; there is something still that can happen which would make your life a bit more better. And at that point of time, it feels as if that is the last hope that you have. You cling on to that little piece of light as if that is the dearest part of you. It could be anything – from a new person whom you came across; or a piece of information that might lighten up your life. But when that happens, it seems to have taken away all your pains. It seems to be the indication of a fresh start in life.

AJ is going away from me in a couple of day’s time. We have started the packing process. Almost all the shopping is done; the remainder of it would be done tomorrow. I have been there with him trying to put up a smile on my face. Believe me, its been extremely difficult for me all these days. And finally the day that I have been dreading has arrived. As we pack up the bags finally, give that final hug to him, how would I react? Would I be able to stop my tears from flowing down the aisle? I hope I won’t break down; but deep within me I know I would. AJ’s parents are coming in tomorrow; so that they are around when he goes away. I am still confused if I should go to the airport to see him off or not. I don’t want to create a scene at the airport. But he might not be happy if I skip it. Hence I would go – so see him finally walk away from me. All those years of being together; all those moments of happiness and sharing; everything will come to an end as I would see him walk away into that airport in a couple of days time. Its nothing less than an absolute heartbreak for me. The person who has understood me the best; the person whom I understood the most – he is no longer anywhere close to me. I don’t know how I would overcome this. But I would have to – isn’t it? Because that is what life is all about. All these days I deliberately made it a point that I don’t think too much about this day. I had sensed that it was giving just some pain and nothing else. But as the d-day arrives, I have to think about it. I am going crazy thinking about it all. Hope I have the strength to get through this moment of crisis in my life.

Well, there is something a bit interesting happening in my life. Around a week back, while I was online on a chat room, I bumped against someone. We had similar tastes in life; similar thought process; and it didn’t take long before we got ourselves going. So much so, that I find really comfortable being with him. We go on and on with the chat; talk about everything under the sun. And I don’t realize how time flies bye when I am with him – at least for me. I don’t know how he feels about all of this. Hope he doesn’t look at me as some sort of a boring character who pesters him every morning and night. I was desperately trying for someone to fill in the vacuum that AJ’s moving away would create in my life. I was trying to cling on to everything that comes my way. I wanted something to be there in my life. So far nothing had worked; until I bumped against this guy. Didn’t I tell life evolves in strange ways – this is one example of that. Is he the replacement for AJ in my life? I don’t know… I don’t think anyone can be what AJ was. But if he is able to fill in even a little bit of the void that has been created in my life; I am more than happy to have him around.

After a Month

Well, just can’t believe that I didn’t write anything for well over a month. Work had been to hectic for me these days; and in all of that I couldn’t find some time for blogging. Has life changed in the last month or so when I was away from my confession room – I guess not. It’s been the same old things happening. The fixed routine that I have been following seems to follow without any change. At times, I wonder at myself – am I a robot working according to some pre planned instructions. There in nothing that distinguishes one day of mine with the next. Alarmingly it seems to follow the same predefined path.

On one of these days, I got hold of a very old friend of mine online – on chat. We might not have met/talked for almost three of four years now. Hence it was a surprise seeing him after a long time. After the initial pleasantries were done with, and our personal statuses updated in our minds, I was wondering what was there to talk to him. It’s very difficult to have a conversation running along for me; unless the person at the other end is of the same wavelength as mine. And with a striking contrast, if my wavelength matches with the person at the other end, I can keep on talking for any length of time. Some of my friends would vouch on how much talkative I am. Well, I never felt that this person was having the same wavelength as mine. He was just another acquaintance for me; nothing more. During the chat I realized that he is now no longer in India, has been overseas for some assignment for almost a couple of years. Jeez, how quickly does time run away? He wants to come back, but the project assignments stop him from doing so. While I was still confused about whether to continue this chat or not, he suddenly said something that changed the discussion in a big way. All of a sudden he mentioned about how lonely and worthless he is feeling about his life, started talking about whether all these importance that we allocate to the professional life over our personal lives are actually worth it or not. Well well well… this was definitely matching my wavelength. And so started the discussion. We went on for about a couple of hours on our problems. Both of us opened our hearts out without any inhibitions. I mentioned all the problems that I am going through – especially with AJ and AR moving away, and how worried I am about the vacuum that was going to consume me. He talked about the feeling that has engulfed him about the unworthiness of the life that he is living. I don’t know why I opened myself out to him to that extend; probably the frustrations that were piling up on me were reaching a tipping point, and I just wanted someone to whom I could talk these. But why to him of all people? I seriously don’t know the answer. At times, all questions don’t have answers; and this was definitely one of them.

AJ is busy with his preparations to go overseas. And he seems to be really thrilled about it. I act thrilled in front of him. Sometime in the next one week or so, he will say good bye to me; go far away from me, my life. I dread that moment a lot, but as all dreadful moments that you would want to avoid in your life, this one as well comes at you at a furious pace. I am supposed to go shopping for him tomorrow. Why does destiny make me do this – make me do things that would eventually result in a huge pain for me? I am trying desperately to stay strong through all of these; not to expose what I feel within myself. Ask him about his travel with an interest, where as I get anxiety attacks thinking what would happen once he goes away. But still I try to smile; I try to laugh around – just for the outside world to be fooled. You can fool the entire world; but never would you able to fool yourself. To keep my mind out of the ensuing state of depression, I am trying to be in work for as much of time; get back that old lost habit of mine – reading. But the moment I get a little bit of spare time, the pain comes back to haunt me. Guess I am playing a game of hide-n-seek with the pain that’s all waiting to conquer me…

Whatta Day

Its almost 3 in the morning when I write this; probably the farthest I have been in my life blogging. A bit of pending work and bumping myself into someone interesting close to midnight made sure that I am still awake at this time of the morning. What a day this has been. Action packed I should say. And it would be unfair if I don’t mention this day in my blog. All of it was going normal till I came back from jog in the morning. My manager in the US called me up to inform that has decided to quit. MY obvious response was “you’ve got to be joking here boss”. I wanted that to be one of his usual pranks; but he was dead serious about it. The conversation was short; and he asked me to be in office early as there is a meeting to discuss this scenario. Jeez… what a start to the day. For me it was a jolt in the blue, because he has been my insulation shield from my big bosses there. Now that he is no longer there, I would have to be reporting to the Chinese big bosses there – scary thought. It’s going to be Chuk De China from now on. I reached office early [anything before 11 in the morning is categorized as early for me. I reached at 10:45 today], and discussions started amongst the team. My seniors in the team were more rattled than me, as my boss was really good. After the usual remorse on loosing someone good and cynical skepticism that we would never get anyone as good as him, we went for lunch [so no work so far].

Once we had completed lunch, the TV in our cafeteria started giving a “Breaking News”. Serial terror blasts in Bangalore. Startled, we got ourselves glued into the TV set. The first place where the bomb exploded was the Madiwala Bus Shelter. Jeez… that’s so close to my place. That’s the place where I get down from the bus every time I go to the church. It could have well happened when I was there sometime. The TV channels were calling it as a terror strike, and the murmur against terrorism and government not able to tackle it started. Bringing a shiver to my spine, I realized that MS could have been in that locality at that point of time, as it’s a Friday and he goes to the mosque in Madiwala every Friday. The time was almost the same when the Friday afternoon prayers get over. I rushed out of the TV room, and started to frantically try calling him. The network had already become jammed, with the panic driven citizens enquiring about their dear and near ones. And when I finally got through the network, MS was not picking up the phone. My worries started to increase, and continue trying him. But the network was not allowing the call. The all of a sudden I got a message – it was from him. He is in training, and would call back once the training gets over. To say that I was relieved would be an understatement. I tried calling up all the others and made sure that everyone is safe. Also my folks down in Kerala were informed so that they don’t get a panic attack. Once all of that was done, I took up a seat in the TV room and started to keenly follow the events unfolding. Terrorism is always a bad thing, and when it happens very close to you, it becomes even harder. You fail to comprehend the motives behind these events, and only an insensitive, mentally challenged set of people would be able to do these ruthless things to their fellow human beings. I was in the TV room till around 4 in the evening [I haven’t even connected my laptop to office all day], and then decided to do some work at least. That was when everyone in the team decided to go home as it was not safe outside. I didn’t understand the logic there, as I felt safer in my office than on the road in a panic driven situation. So I decided to defy the team whip to go home, and stayed back in office. Hmmm… the abstentions and defections against the party whips in the recent confidence vote are starting to have its impact on me as well. I have also started to defy whips… Good going son…

The work made me remain in office till 7, and when I peeped out of my window was even scarier. There were huge snarls of traffic piled up on the road. This was going to take an eternity before I reach home – that was for sure. And to make matters worse, my cab was cancelled. Now I need to take some other method of commutation. So my adventure started. After around 2 hours which I took to cover around 3 kilometers to my house, I reached home by around 9 in the night. I was completely exhausted [strange that I say this – since this is one day when I worked the least in my whole professional career]. Just wanted to sleep, and that was when I bumped into this person. I rate myself as very poor when it comes to getting on with people. There are certain aspects about me and my behavior that makes me not the most “attractive destinations” around. So people would say “bye” much faster than they say a “hi”. But for a change things were different today – or am I trying to convince myself something that’s not the case. We hit along nicely. Chatted long – the whole of two and a half hours. Every thing under the face of earth came up for discussion. A very interesting person I should admit – and a very patient one of it as well. Otherwise to suffer me for this long duration is no child play. Again, a very organized person. I don’t know why I keep on bumping against people who are extremely opposite to me – everyone from AR to this guy is extremely organized in life. Compare with me who is chaos personified. I guess it’s my curiousness to know what it is to be organized that makes me keep on bumping to people who are organized in life. Probably it’s that curiousness that makes them to be in touch with me – at least till that curiosity goes away. And once that curiosity goes off, they just walk away as if nothing had happened. These days things are better – I think I react better to these kinds of responses. No longer do I feel upset about it. I have had so much of it all my life that it’s become an accepted norm in my life. Let’s see how far the curiosity of this person remains.

End of it all, I look back and ask – whatta day!! Started with a shock, then went into horror; and then to finish it off there was a new friend created [at least for me]. Life to have spice, do need all the emotions…

Early Morning Park

Every morning I go for a jog in the park near my house. That is one real beauty of Bangalore. There are lots of these small parks all across the city, where you can go and spend some time. If even in this hustle and bustle of an emerging metropolis, the city can boast of so many parks, it would have been really interesting to see how good things were before all these scores of people migrated to this city. This city accepted everyone who came in with open arms; and provided shelter and livelihood for millions. Now one of the fastest growing cities in Asia, Bangalore still has a bit of old charm to it. Parks are one of the many things that make this city revisit its old age legacy. The park that I go for a jog always has lots of activity around from very early in the morning. I generally reach the park with AR by around 6:30, and by that time there would be lots of joggers and walkers around. Guess Bangalore still has lots of people who get up early. It’s a real sigh – the park, with a whole host of people doing exercises in all possible genres – ranging from normal walk to the yoga, from some aerobic stuff to the laughter clubs. A whole spectrum of lifestyles is visible there very early in the morning. Over the period that I have been going to the park, I have realized that the people who come in for the jog are more or less the same. You have small kids out there who walk along with their parents, having a good time of it – enjoying their time out. There are these school/college going kids who come there with their friends who come along to enjoy a cocktail of chatting with friends and a bit of exercises. Then there are these youngsters who come along with their spouses/partners enjoying the togetherness on a cozy morning tipped with a little bit of exercises. The middle aged folks would be walking around with thoughts on their mind and fat levels in their thoughts. And finally there are the senior people who come to the park reveling in what is their twilight in their life. All in all it’s a wonderful spectrum of people who come along.

In a few days you start getting familiar with the people around there. An occasional smile when you meet, then soon turns into a “Good Morning”, and then a “How are you”. You feel as if you know these people know you decent enough. There will be these small kids who will peep through to see if anyone is noticing them, and when they realize that someone is noticing them, the immediately hide themselves behind their parents. There is one tiny little girl who almost on a daily basis tries to get my attention. We literally play hide and seek all morning in the park. To say that her smile is infectious is an understatement. She comes to the park with her parents every morning. Initially she is enthusiastic about walking, but that enthusiasm lasts for only around 10 minutes. Then she sits on her dad’s neck as the dad walks around the park. She sits there like a princess watching everything. When I come across her during the jog, she would be carefully watching me, and when I pass a smile on her, she would just take away her face. She is impatient to know if I am still looking at her. Then there are these sudden glances at me to see if I am still looking. It’s just so beautiful. They say kids have the ability of take away all the pains of the world with their smile. I guess that is right. She lives in a world of her own – a world that has no worries, a world where everything is new and exciting. So sad that her world would change in a few years time when she would start going to school… then to college… then to work… then a career… family… How good it would have been if you were always of that age. No tensions in life; no project deadlines; no pressures of releases – just lighten up the world with that infectious smile of hers.

Life is something like this morning in the park – isn’t it? People come into your life; they start with a “Hi”, which if everything goes fine turns into a relationship. And in between you might bump against someone like the little girl in the park who might just conquer you by their presence…

Thoughts On A Rainy Morning

There are times in one’s life when you look back and ask – why is it that so much bad things happen to you so many times. This question haunts you to an extend where you feel completely uncomfortable with the entire premise. The frustrations that would have developed within you would have taken you to an entirely different level of cynicism and despair. The obvious reaction to anything and everything that happens would be – ah... I knew it was going to happen this way itself. No surprises in what is happening. In a way we tend to accept to ourselves that nothing good is going to happen. Is there something wrong in that? I tend to feel that there is nothing wrong in that sort of a thought process coming to your system. Maybe I am too cynical about life and its evolution. Maybe I am too pessimistic about things happening around me. Or maybe its just that I am used to things going horribly wrong for me, that I have stopped expecting things to happen good for me. I don’t know. Whatever be it, I have become more cynical, more pessimistic through these days. Work has been really hectic these days; and that unfortunately leaves very little time for me. In one way, its good – at least the time frame which I have being negative is lesser. But really, I am feeling exhausted after these hectic times. These late nights at work, getting up early in the morning have taken a toll on me in the sense that I am feeling weak within myself. It’s like your mind wants to do more; but the body just refuses.

As the D-day approaches for my friends to go away from me, I am trying desperately to visualize a life without them, and prepare for it. It’s easier said than done I guess. The more I try, the more difficult I become. The heavy workload that has come up these days in office means that I am getting to spend only very little time with them. The only time I get to see them is early in the morning when I and AR go for a jog together. Since AJ and I are in the same office campus, we get to see each other once in a day or so. It’s not about getting to see each other; it’s more to do with spending some quality time with them. Unfortunately that is not happening for me. Are there any surprises there? I want something; but circumstances just deny it for me. The first of the two will go off in a couple of weeks time, the second would go away in another two weeks after that. After that how would life be? I would be going to the jog all on myself – there won’t be an AR to wake me up at 6 in the morning everyday. I would be having my lunch all by myself – there won’t be an AJ who makes my lunch times so refreshing. My dinner table would have empty seats around me, as I would be the only one around. There wont be anyone who would just come up to me and say – thing would be ok tomorrow; so don’t worry. Over these years I have become so very dependent on them for everything. After knowing that they won’t be around for long, I have tried to be as much self reliant as possible; but each and every thing I do in my life makes me realize how much important they are for me; and how much I am going to miss them in my life. But then life never stops for anyone – does it? It just moves on…

In my quest to fill the vacuum that was going to be created by the departure of these guys, I started trying to make new friends. The introvert me all of a sudden became more of an extrovert, so that I can find someone with whom I can at least talk once in a while. The past few years, these guys gave me so much of comfort that I didn’t have to look beyond them for anything. It had its own side effects as well – I don’t have too many friends outside this company. I recently read something – relations are inherited from God to you; but friends are something that you create out of your efforts. How apt is that? It really makes sense – doesn’t it? It takes an eternity to get good friends; one should be extremely lucky for that. I felt that I was; in fact I took pride on it as well. Maybe I was over confident about my friendship. That could be the reason why they are just taken away from me. And now, when I try to start something new, I am not able to find any. Either people get bored of me and start ignoring me; or I don’t like them. So the search is still on. I hope this doesn’t end up as a never ending search. Just one person, that’s all what I am looking for. Don’t I have the luck for even that? It’s strange – isn’t it? When you have something, you are given plenty of it. And when you want something, you are completely denied. Such is life I guess.

The ugly face of my irritant knee is popping its face up yet again. A week back or so, I collapsed on the road while crossing. Since God had given a few more days of life for me, no vehicle ran over me. I lost strength on my legs all of a sudden, and I guess the problem was with the knee that was operated upon. I was not able to pick myself from the road; and lied there for around a minute or so, until someone from the other side of the road came over and picked me up. Good Samaritans do exist in today’s world – that’s the big learning that I got from that. But that was off course going to be followed up with a visit to the doctor. My doctor – who is an orthopedic surgeon in a famous hospital in Bangalore, is an interesting character. He looks like a book worm – with those huge spectacles and has a very pleasant face. I clearly remember him singing the song “Summer of 69” before he did my surgery in the operation theater with laughter accompanying it. In fact during that surgery, I became unconscious due to anesthesia hearing that song. It was back to him after the fall on the road. So over the weekend, I went to see him. Well, on predictable lines there is a sequence of tests that needs to be done. Scans, x-rays, blood tests everything. He seems to be not sure what is happening; and wanted to wait till all the results are back. Something within me says that its time for one more surgery. The doctor had already said after the last surgery that I need to be careful for the next couple of years or so. His prophesy has come correct. A little bit of pain has started yet again. Already the scars of the last surgery are there on my knees. It took so much time to get back to life from one tumor removal surgery. I am not sure how much more time it would take after the next – if at all one more surgery needs to be done. And these constant visits to the doctor have ensured that half of my precious weekend is now dedicated to the hospital. I am feeling more and sicker of these. There is at least one more problem for me that I know which would require a surgery. Looks like I am going to spend a whole lot of time in the hospital bed. Am I afraid of the surgery – probably not. The first time I was dead scared. Now it’s like going for an excursion or so. For a few hours you hand off your life to someone else; and go to sleep in a world without worries. And then, when you wake up, the only thing that hits you is the pain associated. Let us see how this goes about. I just hope that this time they won’t ask for a surgery. I would have to manage it all by myself this time, because the people who helped me out in the last surgery – AR and AJ would no longer be around me. It’s going to be a tough ask if I have to go through this.

Couple of weeks back, I went home to spend my weekend with my parents. And in expected lines, the question of marriage popped up big time. I was literally pushed to the corner with it; and after a whole lot of emotional scenes, I was forced to say a yes to it. They feel that I am running away from marriage because I am not willing to take up responsibilities in life. How will I make them understand that it’s not the reason. How will I make them realize that I am different; and that’s why I am running away from it. They won’t be able to hear what I have to say; neither would they understand and accept what I say. On the way back to Bangalore in the bus, I was feeling so very bad. A feeling of guilt had engulfed me in a very big way. Who am I to spoil the dreams of a poor girl who would come to my life through a marriage? Would I be able to give her the love she deserves? Is it so pathetic of me to be ruining someone else’s life because I don’t want a secret of my life to come out? I was feeling very much ashamed of myself. I wonder if I could have some guts to express myself. A good friend of mine says – “sex is not everything”. But sex is something in life, isn’t it? She would come into my life with expectations of how her partner would be in satisfying her physical needs. What a rude shock it would be for her when she realizes that her partner won’t be able to live up to her expectations? She is having to go through all of these because I am selfish to ignore her needs in an effort to hide the real me from her. Is this the fate for of all the closeted homosexuals on earth? I don’t know. The only thing that I made a conscious effort all my life was to make sure that I was never a reason for someone’s pain. But sadly I will falter in the biggest decision of my life. I just hope that no girl likes me. I would rather live in this present loneliness, rather than a life where I am a reason for someone’s pain. In this lonely life, I am the only one in pain. But in the other scenario, I would be the reason for pain for a whole lot of people…

It’s raining outside now. And it’s so beautiful, I love the rains even if that makes life in Bangalore miserable. I am just back from the jog, and as the rains start to come down, I wish some happiness as well starts drizzling in my life…

Nightmare In Real Life

I was thinking that things can’t go any further wrong for me in life; and as always life made me realize that my assumption was way off the mark. It’s been a real struggle to get over the fact that AR would soon be away from my life. And so far I have not been able to live with it at all. The way forward seemed to be a really tough one, with no solutions in sight. I tried to be as jovial as possible in front of AR, so that he doesn’t get an inclination of what is going through my mind. After all, the experiences that I have in my life made sure that putting in those “pasted smiles” came in quite naturally. As the date of his departure comes closer, so does the increase in the pain within. Somehow I managed to pull off these days, and in many ways AJ who understood how much I am attached to AR made things very comfortable for me. His presence definitely reduced the separation with AR; and I was slowly coming back to life; visualizing a life without AR around me.

It all started with a normal phone call from AJ yesterday evening. He generally calls me while he goes for his snacks to have a small chat and charter our dinner plans. Both of us work in the same campus, and many a times we travel together when our schedules meet. All these things get planned during this phone call everyday at around 5 in the evening. When he started talking his voice was a bit heavy. I could sense that. It happens only in two occasions for him – either when he is loaded with too much of work, or when he is upset with something. I knew that something was on my way. He said that his manager has asked him to go over to the UK for a couple of years on a damn good assignment. Did I hear that correct? My tongue just became numb for a moment. I had no idea what was happening, why it is happening. I literally froze. When I didn’t respond anything for a brief period, he woke me up asking whether I was busy at work or not. I told him a lie that my manager is around, and I would call back after some time; and the call ended thus.

I was in a state of shock. Why is this happening to me again and again? Three pillars on which my life revolved on – AR, AJ and MS, are just vanishing in a span of just a few months. I felt disturbed. I sat through a meeting at office till 8, but clearly my mind was not in it; it was a situation of physically present and mentally absent. My watery eyes made one of my colleagues enquire if everything is fine with me or not. As soon as the meeting got over, I called AJ again. Now he was busy in a meeting; but still he mentioned that he is going, and if everything went through, he would pack off by the middle of August. He would be late to get out of office, and hence said that he would come to my place by around 11 in the night so that we can talk. My dizziness hadn’t left me, and I was completely unaware of what I should be doing; packed up my bag, ate something on the way for the sake of eating something and left for home. Honestly, I was in a different world all together. I walked through that sub lane parallel to the main road; my mind nowhere in my control, almost being hit over by a car that came along. I was woken from thoughts up by a big honking from that car; the driver came out of the car and started abusing me. I apologized to him, as the mistake was clearly with me. Guess he was a decent guy, and once I apologized, he went away.

Once I reached my house, I was feeling some pain in my chest. I felt like vomiting… felt as if I am being choked to death… Some deep breaths were taken in to get myself back to normal. I was feeling heavy hearted; my limbs were like being immobile. I just fell over the bed without even changing my cloths. My watery eyes finally burst its banks as I could sense the tears rolling out of my eyes. The pain was becoming increasingly unbearable for me. I wanted to talk to someone so that I can reduce the pain – someone who could understand me. AR and AJ couldn’t be the ones as they are part of the reasons why I am feeling this way. MS is out of town as well. I had only person left to whom I could call – a new friend of mine whom I came to know just recently. It was almost 9:30 in the night, and I didn’t know if it would be the right time to call him or not, but still called him as the pressure was becoming unbearable for me. Thankfully for me, he was more than willing to talk with me and we talked for about half an hour, during which he tried to convince me about how to get out of this. We finished the call as he had some official stuff to do; but my restlessness was still very much on. This had been the most uneasy moments of my life so far; and I didn’t know how to get out of this.

I in my house was almost killing me. I decided to go out for a walk. The roads were soaked with the rains that poured down in the evening. Uneasy minds try to grab any comfort whatsoever that comes its way. I was desperately looking out for one; but couldn’t find any. I went ahead and sat on a bench in the nearby park. Sitting opposite to me in a bench were four guys after their dinner chatting about everything under the sun. A few months back they were easily me and my guys. How many times would we have come down to this park, sat there chatting till midnight; or until a police patrol drops bye and asks us to go home. How many times would all of us have sat on one of those benches, discussing things – ranging from problems at our families to what we want to be in our lives? Everything came back in a flash, and a sigh evolved from within me thinking of those wonderful days. Have I come to terms with those days never coming back again? Tears have been flowing from my eyes in an unstoppable manner. I was afraid if someone would see me crying. Hence I decided to walk back home. While walking back, I had one final glance at that bunch of four guys who were enjoying their times together, and hoped that their friendship would never have to see a day when it all falls apart. While walking back, I received a message from AJ saying that he has some urgent issues at office, and would be very late to come home. He said that we would meet up tomorrow morning.

I had pending work to do; but my mind was definitely not onto it. I decided that this was not the right time to do the office stuff, and took the easier route of getting out of the mess – go to sleep. Sleep as if nothing has happened. I tried to sleep, but it looked as if sleep has deserted me as well. Hours passed bye in my efforts to sleep, but I was completely unsuccessful in doing that. Those sweet memories of the times that I had with them were coming back time and time again. Once again I started to feel suffocated. I felt like vomiting. I prayed to God to make me sleep. Still the sleep was way off from me. The choking feeling was unbearable for me. I was finding it hard to breath. I felt as if I was going to get a heart attack. What if I die now? I was scared. When your mind is not in sound shape, your thoughts are a bit off the beat as well. There was no one in the house apart from me, and I wanted someone to be there. I wanted to talk to someone, and hence decided to call home and talk with my mom. I looked at my watch for the time, and it was showing 3 in the morning. Mom is always afraid when a call comes at an odd time. But this was an odd situation for me. I really felt at that point of time that I was going to die, and wanted to talk with her once. Hence I called her. I could sense the fear in her voice when she picked up the phone. I told her that there is nothing to worry and I just wanted to talk with her for some time. She asked me if everything is alright; and then we talked for about 10 minutes. She sensed that something was wrong with me; and asked me to come home one day earlier – start on Thursday itself. I don’t have leaves, and so I said that I would start only on Friday evening. I told her that I was not able to sleep for some strange reason; she just asked me to pray and then go to sleep. I hung up the phone promising to call back in the day; and renewed my efforts to get back to sleep. Sleep was still shying away from me, and the restlessness prompted me to move out of my bed and to the terrace of my building. I just sat there on the parapet of the building engulfed in the sweet memories of the past.

I was having absolutely no control over my emotions, and the suffocation continued. The feeling of being choked and a sensation for vomiting was overwhelming me. It overpowered me soon; and I vomited. Whatever little things I had eaten in the night got ejected from my stomach. Even after everything came out, the sensation of vomiting was not stopping. I continue to flush out air from my stomach accompanied by big groans. I was tired… I was exhausted… I sat down on the terrace and vented out a cry. I didn’t care a damn about anyone seeing it or not, because I was no longer in control of my emotions. Loads of tears would have flown from my eyes all through the night. As I sat there on the floor, I could see the sky brightening up, the sun coming out. The dawn had just broken. I hadn’t slept all through the night, and my face would have had a grumpy look to it. Sitting on that wet terrace had made my cloths wet as well. I decided to come down to my house before someone comes to the terrace. I changed my wet cloths, put in a new pair and laid down on the bed to put in the last effort for a sleep. Again it didn’t come. Is life so unjust to me that I have been denied a sleep as well?

I somehow made the time to be 9 in the morning; and started to come to office. While I was about to get out, I got a call from AJ saying that we would go to office together, and asked me to wait for 30 more minutes. I obliged, and in half an hour’s time, I reached his house. He was changing at that point of time, his brother was also there. AJ tried to crack jokes to ease up the tension in me, but all I could give was a little smile. In fact I was not even making eye contact with him as I was afraid I would break down again. He too must have sensed it, and hurried up with his stuff. We started on his bike to office, and the ride takes around 15 minutes from our place. Normally when we come together, it’s a time filled with jokes and fun. But today was different. There was deafening silence between us. When I reached my office, I got down, said bye to him. Once I reached my office, I logged into my messenger and immediately I got pinged by AJ. Guess he was waiting for me to come online.

AJ: why u were looking upset
Me: naa.. some office issues
Me: will finish it off by evening
AJ: so started saying lie to me
AJ: fabulous
Me: why do u think so??
Me: forget it man...
Me: I will be ok
Me: u know the reasons… dont u??
AJ: no... i just thougt ..how you willl feel...if i have to go.. and AR too....
AJ: I was so afried...so
Me: its a fact..
Me: Life will never ever be the same…
Me: but life never stops for an individual
Me: its going to be difficult..
Me: but then taking on difficulties is the name of the game..
Me: just pick up the pieces.. and then start fresh
AJ: hmm
Me: for the first time in my life I am afraid looking forward to life..
Me: guess its something that will stay for a couple of weeks max..
Me: after that it would all be fine
AJ: hmm..i understand

He is well aware of what I am going through. I gave all the politically correct answers. I know that’s not what is going through my mind… so does he… Loosing close ones to your heart is always difficult; especially the ones who have been together for years. In my case almost around a decade. More than just friends, we have become part of each other. And when they depart, it feels as if a part of you is parting ways with you. I don’t know how I will face tomorrow – a new world when they are not around. To be honest, I don’t know if I will survive to see that tomorrow.

Lonely Life

I was recently talking with someone very close to my heart. During the course of the conversation, he asked me about how my life is going on two occasions, and the response that I had to give was the same. It was the same things that came out as the answers to his questions on both occasions. He was surprised by the answers that I gave him. I myself was surprised at this; because monotonic life has reached a peak in my life. It follows the same old pattern – wake up at 8, do some work, go to office by 10:30, get back from office by 8 in the night, have dinner, do some work till 11 or 12, go to sleep. Nothing other than these happens in my life. It’s the same thing happening again and again on a daily basis. I was taught in the school that “man is a social animal”. I am seeing none of those in my life. It’s fast becoming a life of seclusion and aloofness. In all of that there is a sense of frustration that pops its face up at an alarming frequency in my life. It’s a frustration on a life that can easily be classified as a failure; even after my honest efforts to make it a successful one. It’s a frustration on a life that ceases to fade away despite my efforts to make it a colorful one. I think every person who is faced the prospect of living a dual life has to go through this. My inability to be what I am is without doubt adding to the frustrations. For me every night when I reach back home from office, there is nothing to look forward to. People ask me why I stay back in office late even if I have this facility of working from home. I generally give them some vague answers. But the real answer is that there is nothing that changes irrespective of whether I am at office or at home. There is this cynicism that has started to come into my life. Am I starting to hate my life? Somewhere deep within, I think that is the case.

Long time back, I was watching a television show on one of these religious channels, where the orator was saying something which I felt very valid. He was saying that the amount of success in your life can be gauged by a simple assessment – imagine how many lives would be affected if you die as of now. How many people would be there who would miss you in their lives if you cease to exist? I felt that exercise to be a worthwhile one, and I did it then. I do it every once in a while. Every time, my answer remains almost the same. I find none whose life would change barring my parents; and maybe a couple of friends. That’s how insignificant I am; my life is. Are these signs of depression that’s coming into my life? I think it is. I in fact mentioned about this feeling to one of my friends some time back. His answer was that I am having this problem because I don’t have anyone in my life that I love. His suggestion was for me to get married as soon ass possible to get out of this mess. Little does he know that if I get married, that’s a recipe for absolute disaster, and I don’t want to do it. I am resisting calls from home to get married. I don’t know how long I would be able to resist it all, but will do it as long as it’s possible from my side. In all the resistance that I do, people assume that it’s because of my reluctance to accept responsibility in life. Why it that they are not realizing that there could be something more than that? Why is it that no one seeing my pain? Why is it that even God seems to have given up on me and my prayers?

I am thirty now; and don’t have anyone in my life whom I can call as mine. That in itself is a real cause of worry. There are always moments in your life where you want that special someone to be with you. There are instances in life when you are desperate for that special someone to be there to comfort you, to support you and to help you out of difficult situations. And for me, the want have that special someone in my life is much more now than anytime ever. I want it as badly as anything that I ever wanted in my life. But my apprehensions are stopping me from having it. Is it that difficult to have a love in your life, and to be the love of someone in your life? I have been through some very difficult situations in my life, but never something like this. I am feeling suffocated; irate and choked. How many times would I have looked at my bed and have hoped for someone to be there with me as I go to sleep, whispering a “Good Night” in my ears as my eyes get shut down. How many times would I have wanted to have that someone who would give me a pat on my back and a hug when I am upset, that would take away all my pains. All of these would just continue to remain as just a wish-list.

Am I worrying too much about the future and in that course, I am spoiling my today? Is that the reason for all the frustrations that I seem to have in my life? My life seems to have more questions than answers at this point of time. It’s become a life devoid of any meaning, and is just drifting along directionless. How much do I crave at this point of time to have someone right next to me - give me a warm hug… a tender kiss… and the hearts speak to each other through the eyes comforting me. Unfortunately that’s the thing which is missing in my life – someone who would pick up the pieces for me when I am down and out for the count. Neither do I have the hope that I would get that person. This seems to be a life that would run its course and then fade away to the oblivion. And in all of that, I would end up as a person who never lived a life; but still was alive. How good it would have been if I had not been born?

Uneasy Dinner

I went for a dinner with my team on Friday in a pretty decent restaurant near our place. There were lots of drinks that were flowing during that party. And as the liquor consumption increased, so did the rate at which people started opening themselves out. The fact that I don’t drink helped me out at that stage. I was witness to some of the most candid confessions and expressions. Most of it was just the usual banter; which is better off not listened. Then accidentally the topic of discussion turned to homosexuality. I don’t know why that subject came into picture. I guess it was because of one of my boss’s friend commenting about his son going around with an American girl that as long as he goes around with a girl, he is fine with it. The fact that my boss comes from the San Francisco area in the US meant that he was very much aware of the gays and the homosexual relationships that are prevalent there. And once this subject came into discussion, everyone was more than keen to express themselves. One person said that these people are perverts. Other person quickly quipped with a comment that there are two meanings for the terminology “gay” – one means to be happy; the other means be sick. There were laughter accompanied by every comment that was been passed. Each of them tried to outdo the other in the amount of ridicule that they vented upon the “gays”. With a lot of pain within me, I realized how much of contempt the society had towards the gays in the society. These are highly educated people who have seen the world. If this was the response from a bunch of highly educated set of people; how do we expect an average man to accept this scenario?

In all of these, I was sitting there all alone, with pain within, realizing that my dream of being myself can never happen – at least in my lifespan. It’s a really hurting feeling that you have when you realize that the dual life that you are living is to continue for ever. I sat there helpless. Some can ask me why I didn’t question the views being expressed there; and maybe stand for myself. I was afraid – that’s my plain answer. I was afraid of being exposed; afraid of being ridiculed; afraid of being an outcast among my colleagues. The fact that I was timid left with absolutely very little options. I just had to sit through that entire conversation. As things became too unbearable for me, I tactically intervened and changed the subject to something else. But in that short span of around five minutes, I realized how far in reality is the acceptance of homosexuality in our society. I realized how much rigid are our societal values that gives an emphatic “no” to the very notion of homosexuality. Am I really “sick” as what they said? Its really sad that even after so much advancement in science, we still have these notions about homosexuality. And sadly, I don’t see any change happening in these notions any time soon.

There are policies at my company that acts as safeguards against bias on the basis of sexual orientation. But these rules can be used only with respect to the behavior of people in offices. To make a change in their minds, it requires something more. I don’t have answers to how those changes can come in. But hope that they do come in at some point of time. The least thing that I can hope for is for the homosexuals not to be looked upon as “sick”…

Different... Yet Craving

There are times in life when you wonder how different two individuals can be; and still how could they still remain as friends or have a strong emotional bonding. They will differ in everything that the eyes can meet; but still there would be something of the other that makes them feel very much at ease with each other. Life is a mysterious way with intricate pathways. You never know where life takes you in. The inner articulations of life are much more mysterious than an Agatha Christy detective novel. It’s just full of surprises. That’s why all of us enjoy our lives; isn’t it? Otherwise it would be as monotonous as a robot.

I and my new friend have been trying to get to know each other a bit better these days. Mails, mobile messages and the occasional phone calls have all been happening frequently in the past couple of weeks; as we try to understand each other’s persona a bit better. Its been an interesting process, I should admit – as the process of getting to know someone new is always exciting. Even yesterday night he called me; and we talked for quite some time – so much so that he started to get bored of it I guess. In all of these conversations and interactions, I realized one thing – that we are two individuals at the extremes of life. In almost everything we differ as chalk and cheese. He sounds to be a very methodical, organized guy; whereas I am just the opposite – a chaotic person with absolutely no method in life. He is a person who wakes up early; and goes to sleep early. I am someone who wakes up late, and goes to bed even later. He has interests like listening to the chirping of birds [jeez, he is the first person from whom I heard this; in fact I never knew people can have such an interest], lots of reading, while for me... hmm… I am still searching for something that I can call as my interest. He is a very energetic guy, who believes in an 8:30 to 5:30 office regimen; while more often than not the laidback person that I am, I am not even awake from my bed at 8:30 in the morning. These are just some of the things that we differ in. If I am to list out the entire thing, it would take an eternity to write them all.

Even though there are so many differences between us, I like this person. I mean, I look forward to getting his mails or mobile messages or phone calls or anything, crave for his time, always willing to give my time to him. Time just fly bye when we talk over phone. If we keep on talking like this, our phone bills are going to go over the roof. Probably it’s the curiosity of getting to know someone different is driving this state of mind for me. Whatever be it, I am just enjoying it. It’s an absolute pleasure to have him as a friend, and getting to know him has been like unraveling a mystery. I hope we remain as good friends for a long period of time, because somewhere down deep inside, I feel that I have hit the right chord with him despite all these things that make both of us two different individuals all together. What do they say – “Unlike poles attract…” And in my case, I think it’s true.

I can’t stop myself asking that dreaded question – will all of these new found closeness and attachment fade away once the novelty factor is all gone? When both of us realize that there is nothing much to be explored from each other, and there is nothing new to be seen in each other? I guess that would be the real test. Its easy to be carried away in the initial sway of things; but once the winds have all subsided, and there is no momentum to a relationship to move on its own, that’s when the character of the people involved in the relationship comes in for serious examination. That’s the point of time when there are more questions than answers, and that’s the time when the virtue of going ahead with the relationship comes under questioning. I hope that such a scenario won’t arise in this; as I feel we are two mature enough individuals who clearly know what needs to be done to take things forward. Till that point of time comes, I am more than happy exploring my new friend who ironically is having a special place in my heart.

Hospital Times Again

How many times in life does one want to be somewhere; but circumstances stop him from being there. You end up being neither here nor there. You would end up being physically present somewhere, but mentally you would be at a different place. You would do things with a half-heartedness that would make you look uninterested in whatever you are doing. But still you do things, just for the sake of doing it. Something similar has been happening to me all day today. The person who made me feel what it is to be in love, is going under a surgeon’s knife today. There is nothing left in that relationship between us. But still it pains somewhere within for me when I get to know that he is in problem. These days the frequency of our calls has come down to once a fortnight, and at times even more. Occasional messages are the only things that make us realize that the other person exists. He is happy with his life and family. I can’t say the same thing about my life; but I am sure that I have moved on. I no longer bemoan on his absence in my life… Neither do I wander in thoughts about him. But somewhere within me he is still alive and kicking. There is still that tick within me when something related to him happens. Probably the fact that he made me feel as someone special is the reason behind it. They say it’s very difficult to forget your first love; and from my experience I can say that it’s indeed true. Yesterday night I sent him message wishing him best for the surgery. It’s not a complicated one; but still I am feeling a tad worried.

Things become so complicated when I can’t even go and see him. How am I going to introduce myself to the people present there – as a queer who crushed on him big time?? Or as the person who lived a dream of being in love with their son or husband as the case may be. I don’t want any of those kinds of things happening for him; and hence made a conscious decision to stay away from him. Couple of weeks back, he had invited me for the house-warming of his new house. I couldn’t say no to him; but didn’t go there either hiding behind a few lies, specifically because of these reasons. I don’t know how he felt about it all. Hope that he understood that there was a reason behind me not coming. The same reasons stop me from visiting him at the hospital. He said yesterday that he would call me back once he gets back to normal state. The only other way to get any information is through a common friend of ours. But unfortunately he is having some exams today, and hence nowhere close to the hospital. Hence there are no updates. Hope everything is going fine; and as long as that is the case, I am fine with it. Maybe sometime in the evening I would get the message from him. As far as I know, this surgery is not a major one – so much so that he is to be given only a local anesthesia.

And just as I write this, I get a call from him. The surgery went off well. He is fine now; and back to his senses… :-)

A Happy Rainy Sunday

It’s very peculiar to realize how life takes you places; how like takes you through experiences. There are times when an absolute stranger comes into you life, and then there is a breath of fresh air. There is optimism around; there is an overwhelming feeling of happiness that runs through your entire system. The last night when you went to bed, you might be lamenting at the fact that the life is a tad dull. But the next day when your eyes gets gradually closed, the prayer that goes through your mind would be that the vibrancy that you experience in life now doesn’t fade away soon. Such is the way life goes. One day you are in the heavens; the next day you might find yourself in the deepest ditch on earth. The essence of life for me is to accept both these scenarios with a level headedness that would shame a monk. The emotional overtones that accompany our actions invariably define the level of satisfaction that we have in our lives. More the swing in the emotion-meter; more is the chance that you would be upset and disappointed. That’s probably the reason why all these spiritual leaders try to propagate a life style that’s based on level headedness.

Why am I telling all of these? It’s because I went through one of these mood swings today. It seems there is someone who reads this blog [God save him] [and I admire his patience], and probably can relate well to whatever I write in it. It all started with a comment that saw in my blog from him. I am not sure how he managed to find my obscure blog. These days I have this habit of going through blog sites and commenting on what’s written there. Probably I would have seen his blog, and would have commented on it. My blog doesn’t have too many visitors, and hence when someone puts in his/her comment its very easy for me to see. I saw his comment like that. There were mail ids in the blogs, hence it wasn’t long before communication through mails started. The frequency of mails increased, and my old habit resurfaced again. I started to expect his mails every once in a while. I used to wait for those mails anxiously, and once they came, I used to read them with the interest of a student preparing in the last hour before the exams. I don’t know what I was feeling. Do I have any feelings towards him – definitely not. But still why was I so desperate to proceed with that individual? One of the many things for which I don’t have an answer. Days passed bye, and the mail exchanges continued. One fine day, I saw his phone number in my mailbox. And he asked me to call him back. I have always felt that I am too conservative a person and a bit timid. There was no way I was going to talk to him, or hand over my phone number. I told him about my apprehensions about giving my number to him. I think he understood my views and to his credit, he never asked for it again. Slowly I was getting addicted to his mails. There was something special in whatever he writes. More often than not, they go directly to your heart. I would read the lines he wrote over and over, and there would be a sheepish smile on my face while doing this. I loved all of that. I would get impatient when I don’t see any mails for an extended period of time; and be delighted once I see one. Even a couple of lines were sufficient for me. In between we started to chat as well using one of these messengers [Kudos to the person who found these messengers]. Yesterday again he hinted in one of the mails or chat that he would like to have had a chance to talk with me. Was I being tempted from within to give my number to him? I was confused. Yesterday after the Euro game [and in fact all through that game], I was thinking whether I should give my number to him or not. It’s not an easy thing to be getting into a decision on this for me. I realized that even though I had apprehensions within me, there was an overwhelming push from the “inner voice” to take that step. Before I went to sleep I decided that I am going to give him my number; as I was extremely keen on his friendship; his words. In the course of the past few days, I started to have a level of confidence in him. Everything that he said just kept on increasing my confidence in him.

But now the problem was how to go ahead. As I woke up late in the morning, I was thinking how to convey that to him. The best way seemed to be sending it via sms. So I sent him a message – a vague one I should say asking him to guess who I am. After that I went out on lunch with AR, MS and AJ’s brother. It’s been a long time since we were all together, and it was really feeling good – kind of a reunion. This was a norm on all weekends earlier; but life has taken all of us to places where it’s become really difficult to have all of us together. AJ was not in town, and he was definitely missed. During the lunch, my phone rang; and when I looked at my mobile, I saw his name flashing. Did I skip a beat? MS was sitting opposite to me, and was observing me keenly. He still feels that I have a girl friend that I have tried to hide from him. His suspicious eyes followed me in everything that I did. Was he dishing out that characteristic smile of his from the corner of his – which says he is suspecting something fishy? Probably he was. I realized that it would be dangerous to answer the phone at that point of time. MS is a really sharp guy, and he gets hold of these things very quickly. I answered the phone; and I could sense that the voice at the other end as well had recognized who had sent that message. I told the person at the other end that I was having lunch, and would call him later. All the way through the lunch, my mind was flying in thin air. On every given opportunity I messaged him. Was I starting to behave like a teenager? MS and AR had some shopping to do; but I had something more important to do. By saying that I was tired, I skipped the shopping and headed home. Once I reached home, I called him. And we talked and talked and talked. I didn’t realize the time fly bye. Lots of things came in for discussion; and I was having a real laugh about it all. At 5, I had to go to the church and hence we had to terminate the call. Did I want to hang up that call - definitely not. There seemed to be a whole lot of things to talk about, and I was not getting bored of it. More than anything else, I felt happy about it. Wonder why I hesitated in giving him my number all these days?

I went to my favorite church in Bangalore today with AJ’s brother. I love going there – the ambience is exceptional. Once the mass got over, I asked AJ’s brother if we could walk back rather than travel by an auto. He frowned at me on that, as it was almost 5 kilometers away from the place we stay. I insisted on walking back; and he eventually agreed. Half way through the walk, it started to rain. I love the rains – they are the most romantic of nature’s phenomena. They come down in a way so that they wash away all the sins committed. I asked AJ’s brother if we could continue walking in the rains. He frowned at me the second time; but then agreed. And in that downpour, we started walking back. I could see people staring at us for walking in such heavy rains. That was the last thing to bother me. I was just enjoying the rains; and I felt happy within. Why? Is it just because I talked to this person, whom I knew just through a few mails? I don’t know. But I felt very happy talking with him. I don’t know what he feels about it all; whether he is comfortable with me talking with him. The only thing in my mind is to revel in the happiness that I feel now; because these moments have come very rarely in my life. AJ’s brother summed it all in the end. When we reached home, he asked me – “You seem to be very happy today for a change”. And he was dead right.

Self Appraisal Of Life

I got an email forward from a friend of mine; which had the following line in it.

Life is not made up of great sacrifices and duties…

But made up of simple smiles, kind words and kind acts…

Help others and love others with kind heart

It’s your life; so dream, explore, live, imagine…

Thought it would be a good time to see how all these aspects of life fit in for me. Looks like a self appraisal on my life. Let me see how I weigh in each of these attributes of life...

Dream: Well, this is one aspect in which I would be the best. Because my life just has dreams. It’s a different matter all together that most of them would remain as dreams. I dream about a world around me where I can be what I am; rather than someone whom people want me to be. I dream of a world where my loved ones would love me for who I am rather than what I am. I dream of a world where my loved ones are always around me. I dream of a life which I would spend with someone whom I love, rather than with someone whom my family would thrust upon me in the form of a marriage. I dream of a scenario where I express my love to a person without having the fear of its aftereffects. I dream of nights when there is someone in the bed with me whom I love more than myself, whose face is the last my eyes see before they troop off to sleep. I dream of dawns when the face my love is the one that I see first up. I dream of those beautiful evenings when I and my love would go hand in hand in a beach, openly expressing our love. I dream of those weekends when a tranquil location is the background of me and my love getting to know each other. Sadly, none of these are ever going to happen. Hence as a concept, I have it all. But this will always remain conceptual, and never practical.

Explore: Probably this is one area where I am far off from the acceptable norms in life. My exploration of life is pretty much limited to just imagining things that I could have done; but never have the balls to actually go ahead and do it. That would in a way explain my inability to find the right man for my life, and perhaps enjoy those wonderful moments of life where the overwhelming feeling of being together reaches a crescendo. If I am not willing to explore in life, there is no way I am going to get those things that I want. Life never provides you things in a platter; you need to fight for it. Especially in a closeted world like mine, where anything that I do in this regard is treated by the outside world as something really unacceptable. I know that very well, but do I have the guts to go ahead and explore this? I probably don’t. Why is it that I am not able to do that – multiple reasons I guess – fear of rejection, fear of being exposed, apprehension about getting the right person, worry about the fact that I might find it very difficult to live when I would eventually be forced to get married… etc. But do I want to explore those cherished moments in life – definitely yes; just that I don’t have the guts to do them.

Live: Am I living my life? Or in more specific terms – am I living my life in a way that I want. No is a firm answer here. I am living a dual life in an effort to hide myself from the rest of the world. In doing so, I am missing a whole lot of spice in life that I desperately want. I do things that I don’t want to do. I say things that I don’t want to utter. I have to act every moment of my life except when I am alone. I hate every moment of that. Ridiculously stupid things keep on happening in my life when I have to live a life that’s not mine. For example, I have to comment on girls when I am amongst with my friends; when I am absolutely not keen at doing that. Why is it that I have to do it? All just to make sure that the real I don’t come out to the public view. On many occasions, I think to myself about how I would have responded to things if I were allowed to be myself in life. I would rather have commented on the hunk accompanying the babe, rather than on the babe. My eyes wander on the hunk in the pretext of looking at the babe. Disgusting; but that’s how I am having live my life. I guess a whole lot of people who try to hide themselves from the real world have to endure this. I am just part of the many that go through this on a daily basis. I definitely want this to come to an end, but I am not hopeful about it.

Imagine: All new innovations on earth have come out of imagination. All relationships in life attain a higher level of satisfaction purely from being imaginative in experiencing the relationship. Where do I stand in that? I guess there is no shortage for any imagination in my life, just that there is a problem with the implementation part of things. Just imagination won’t work; you need a means to implement the imagination as well. Unfortunately that’s what is missing in my personal life. I want someone on whom I can shower upon all my love; someone on whom all my imagination can take shape; someone on whom I can die for; someone who would stand by me in thick and thin; someone who would make each and every day the best day of my life; someone whose presence would bring a smile on my face that glows; someone who would feel that the best thing that has happened to him is me; someone who would give me a warm embrace which drives away all my pain; someone whose tender kiss takes me to the heights of solitude; someone who would just look in my eyes, and say with all his heart “I love you”.

After accessing all of these, where do I stand? “Below Expectations” would be the realistic place to be in…

Evading A Question

I have been resisting pointed questions from AR on what he should be doing regarding his apparent move to the US. He wanted to know what I feel about the entire thing. And to get to know that, he had been saying things on this regard so that I respond to it with what I feel he should be doing. I didn’t want something like that to happen, as I myself don’t know what I want from all of this. The fact that this move could well be a so-called “opportunity of a lifetime” as mentioned by many of his friends, made sure that it would be cruel and selfish from my part to think of having him back here. But mine is a heart, not a slate. More often than not, it’s swayed by emotion than logic. If I listen to my heart, I would want him to stay back here, but my head says otherwise. I am utterly confused. Probably this was one of the reasons why I resisted myself to giving him a suggestion. I am not sure if I am doing my duty as a close friend, when I resist myself from giving him an opinion when he wants it. I didn’t want to give an opinion for the sake of looking correct. That was the reason why I didn’t give one. I could sense in the past couple of days that AR was desperate to get something out of me, and would ask me point blank on the first given opportunity.

And that chance came in yesterday night. We decided we would have dinner outside, and we went to a mallu restaurant near our houses. We were talking about everything under the sun as usual – from the traffic in the mornings to the problems in office. After our dinner, while walking back to our homes, he did it. He asked me what I feel he should be doing. Was it unexpected – not really. But still I was taken aback. Many a times in life, when something expected, still uncomfortable happens, for a moment you are completely unaware of how to respond to it. Luckily for me, I regained my composure soon, and my brain started to hatch up an answer that would be “politically correct”. I tried to get as much of time as possible by asking him some irrelevant questions in this regard. In the mean time, my brain worked out a possible answer that I can give him; that would neither be dishonest to my views, nor would appear as if I am standing in between. I told him that this was a decision that he himself had to make, because it’s his career and life; and I don’t want anyone else to be taking a decision for him in this regard. I told him that I was not going to tell him what I feel he should be doing; because he himself should come up with an answer. The look on AR’s face told the story. He was a little perplexed with that answer of mine; but the equation between us is such that he would never question my view. As I reached my house, I was having a feeling a guilt within me, which told that I was not fair to him. But what can I do? I don’t want to give him a wrong answer; nor do I want to give him an answer that would affect a God sent opportunity.

I hope God is seeing all of this. Why is he testing me like this? First it was MS who gradually drifted away from us once he got married; and now he is someone whom you meet once in a while. It took me a great deal of time to the changed situation with MS. At least he is in Bangalore, whereby I get to see him once in a while. And now AR is moving out, that too to a place where chances of meeting up is practically zero. Why does this keep on happening with me? Is God not satisfied enough with the pains that I have to endure? The only person now left is AJ. I don’t know when it would be that God decides to move him away as well; so that I am absolutely alone. The people whom I felt are the closest to my heart are moving away one after the other. I am feeling suffocated in life; I feel there is no virtue to it. There are times when I think to myself – am I destined not to be happy in life? In all the pains that I go through, these were the people whose presence would give me hope, joy, happiness… Now one after the other, they are being moved away from me; so far away that I can’t even hope against hope to have some good times. My life just moves on directionless… emotionless…