Article 377 And Me

Recently there was so much discussion about the gay crusade against injustice in this country hopefully reaching its logical conclusion with the pending case against the Article 377 of IPC, which can be in the most modest of terminologies possible can be called as a bullshit law, came up for its final set of hearing at the Delhi High Court. The entire gay community in this country seemed to have its hope pinned at that hearing. The hopes were raised for a favorable decision coming with the Health Minister of the country becoming vocal against the criminalization part of that rule. It was startling to realize that the Home Ministry was not keen on the decriminalization part. Now take that for the double speak – two ministries of the same government having completely divergent views about the same thing. As in the case of any orthodox society, the conservatives got the better of the liberals. Though the final verdict on this case is not out, its fairly evident where this case is going. The time for liberty has to wait; and Article 377 aint going anywhere. It will remain as part of the Indian Penal Code, as a tool for the state to target a group of people whom they perceive as pervasive and abhorrent. So where is this taking all of us? I am really not sure. Its back to the same old system that we were in. The century old law that was imposed on us by the colonial British, is no longer part of their constitution. But the Victorian principles that we still blindly follow, has ensured that it remains integral to the way the sexual minorities are looked upon in this country.

I am not an activist… nor would I hope to see myself marching in a gay pride parade proudly pronouncing what I am. I am just a normal man, afraid to express my sexuality. I am just a normal man, who lives in the closet hiding what he actually is. I am just a normal man, who wants to be himself – but cant. Maybe typical of the majority of gays that reside here. And how does all of this affect me in all? Well, before Article 377 is removed from the IPC, I would rather like to have it removed from the unwritten rules of my home; from the unwritten rules of my society. I cant go to my parents and say that I am gay; because I am afraid that they wont be able to handle it. The same applies to my best buddies. I have seen contempt that comes quite automatically in my friends when they hear of homosexuals. I have heard the amount of mockery that my colleagues make about homosexual relationships, when they come up for discussion. I am afraid of coming out in front of them; because they would just keep me out of their lives as if I am someone who doest warrant a place in their lives. Its “unnatural” for them. Its against the God’s wishes according to them. The orthodoxy that remains the most underlying aspect of our societal behavior makes sure that acceptance of this is something that is not going to happen any time soon. Its this Article 377 of our lives that I would like to go first… I know its wishful thinking; but as they say – hope is the entity that pulls life along. At this point of time, I don’t know if I have any hope left. I wish there was; because it’s a case of my existence as an individual. Its something that would define how I am looked upon in the society. And if amendments to Article 377 of the Indian constitution helps me to break those barriers in my home and in my society, I am more than happy to be still hopeful about it.

I am really worried about myself... I really am. It’s a petrifying thought that I could be booked just because I am in love. Just that my definition of love is different from what the majority of this country believes in. But just because I am a minority in the way I behave sexually, don’t I have the right to be myself. I am worried about the fact that any policeman could come and put me in jail because I am gay. I too have aspirations about being in love. I would love to be in a scenario where I can take the hand of the person whom I love, walk through a park, without having that ever lingering fear that some cop might come over and book me. I would like to be in a situation in life where I can go up to my parents and say to them what I am without the fear of being rejected from their lives and inflicting pains on their emotions. I would marvel to be in a situation where I can introduce the person whom I love to my friends, without having the fear that I might get booted out of my life. These are very small expectations that one has in his life; something that should be available quite readily. Unfortunately that’s the thing which is missing here.

As a person who lives a dual life, as a person who is in constant conflicts with his dual personalities, this societal change means a lot to me. It means to have the dignity of my individuality; regardless of my sexual preference. It gives a means for me to be myself without fear. Sadly, they remain just as hope. I can only pray… and hope… for things to change; for the world around me to accept me the way I am; and not to force me into being something that I never wanted to be. I would like my close buddies to accept me wholeheartedly when I tell them I am gay; and not to turn their faces away. That’s the amendment that I want in the unwritten laws of this society.

My New Blog Friend

In life you come across some very interesting people. There is this guy, whom I came across while on blog-roll. He is a fantastic blogger; whose writings have always captivated me for its sheer quality and the way its so close to the heart. I used to wait for anything that he writes; and would read them as early as I could once it gets posted. I knew this person for a few months now – and my acquaintance with him was in a way restricted to an occasional chat every once in a while. What makes this particular individual so very special is the way he tries to express the emotions – very much a close to the heart style of writing.

Its amazing how the world of blogging has helped individuals to express themselves; their feelings; their emotions. I use my blog to tell what I really feel within me, behind all those “pasted smiles” that I carry along. While I was reading this person’s latest post, I somehow felt that there is a whole lot more than what is written there. And hence in once of those late night chats with him, I asked him the reasons why he expresses himself in such a way. And the answer that I got was that he does it to express what he wants; but doesn’t have. That was kind of revealing for me. I thought about that statement for some time. And I felt that is one good reason to be blogging. He has used this blogging space that he has in front of him to create a virtual world where he is happy – far away from this maddening world; where things are ideal. What is the harm in that, I asked myself. If that is the way he finds happiness for himself, he should do it that way itself. And then when I read those posts again, I could find meaning in everything that he writes. I used to love him as a writer and his posts… now I have started to adore him as a person as well. My entire outlook towards him started to change. I really hope he gets all those things that he is yearning for; and he is ultimately happy in his life. Creativity is gift; something that God doesn’t distribute in wholesale. My new blog friend has it in abundance; and he uses it brilliantly to express himself. Something within me says that this chap is someone very very special.

There are a whole lot of things that gets hidden behind what someone sees. Its up to the person who sees to identify what is hidden behind. And many times in our lives, we go after what is visible outside; and forget to find the hidden aspect of it. The people who are successful in identifying the “hidden truth” are the ones who understand people; understand relationships. It’s a very rare quality to have in life; and lucky are those who have it. Unfortunate that I don’t categorize myself in that lucky group. Invariably, I go after what is seen in front of me, and I don’t bother to understand what is hidden from me; right in front of my eyes.

A Phone Call And More Frustrations

A phone call can change a whole lot of things. Today something similar happened with me. All these days, with AJ going, my mind was pre-occupied with that. But some time in the afternoon, my mom called me, spoke me about things that added to the problems that I am facing – as if there was any shortage in the number of problems that I have to face. The issue was the same old thing – marriage. Their concerns are valid – when their son is running away from marriage even when he has touched thirty years of his existence; and with his younger cousins almost getting married; its reason for worry for them. She was telling me about a marriage proposal that has come to me. My response was the usual one – cold shrugging answers which had “uninterested” written all over it. Then it was time for the emotional lines to flow from the other end of the phone. This is the thing that creates the most trouble for me. It’s as if I am becoming the reason for the sorrow of my mom; which for me is very much unacceptable.

I really don’t have a solution to this problem. I have been running away from marriage for long; and I can sense the frustration building up in my parents because of my entire approach. Time is fast approaching for me to choose between the two decisions that I would have to take – either live a dual life where I act perfectly straight for the rest of my life; or to open up to my parents on what I am. The chances of the second option working out for me are almost next to zero – as I am absolutely certain that my parents would never be able to accept it. Forget my parents, even by best buddies won’t accept that secretive part in me. Am I ready to live a life of isolation? These are things that I would have to keep in my mind when I take any decision on my future.

At times it’s really frustrating when you realize that your future doesn’t lie in your hands. Its driven by a whole lot of other things that are completely out of your control. If I was living in an open society – where I had the choice of living my life the way I felt is the best for me, I would have come out by now. I would probably have had a partner as well by this time. But sadly, that is not the case. We live in a society that still looks at being queer as a perfectly unacceptable entity. We adjust… adjust… and further adjust… until we realize that we are no longer what we are. We have simply become actors in a movie where the so-called societal laws are the directors of the movie. What is the purpose of claiming that we are independent, when a basic choice of sexuality is not open for us…?

Picking Up The Peices...

Well, the first week of AJ not being here is done with. It has been difficult; but somehow I have managed to scrape through these days. Slowly, but surely I am making those small steps to get back to my normal life. There are times when difficult memories start to haunt you. But reading has helped me to divert my attention a little bit. And then when it becomes beyond a limit that I can’t handle, I just allow myself to drift in those memories… That’s one thing that I have realized off late; when you get haunted by these memories, it worth a try allowing yourself to be drifted. Maybe it might give you some respite.

I got to talk with AJ on a couple of occasions this week – once over phone and once over a small chat, and he seems to be really happy with his new life there. In fact he seems to love his new environment. Strange is the way life goes… isn’t it?? Here are two individuals separated by miles; one still feels for the other, living in the past; and an another one who has moved on. I wonder what is the best approach in life – move on in life; or to mourn in the memories of the past? Moving on definitely is the more practical of the two; and as usual, the impractical person that I am, I have chosen the second option of living my life. Where is it going to lead me? I really don’t know; and I don’t have an answer to it. I look like someone who is jailed by the past of my life; someone who doesn’t look forward; someone who seems to be content with living alongside miseries. At times I hate myself for exactly these reasons. I am an emotional fool. Yeah… that’s the right word to describe me – an emotional fool. Otherwise why would I try to live like this? Maybe adding a “confused” as well to that might make sense – a confused emotional fool. Anyone who has even the slightest practical outlook of life would never indulge in something like this. But then, my mind is not a slate – you just wipe it off, and everything is clean.

I desperately want to move on in my life. I was so attached to AJ that everything seemed to be so empty without him. I don’t think he realizes how much I miss him. I don’t think anyone realizes how much lonely I feel these days. When those smiles refuse to come out of my lips; when those tears refuse to stop flowing; I indeed feel that I am all alone in this world. The same set of things would be repeated again in a month’s time or so when AR as well moves away. But I guess AJ’s departure would be more painful than AR’s; because AJ was so very special for me. At the same time when I see how easily AJ has managed to move on his life, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Is my obsession with those good memories of the past stopping me from moving on in life? I always knew that I am a whole lot more emotional a creature than many others around me. Hence it was almost certain that I would take much more time to recover from an emotional stress than what most others do. But this seems to be going for ever and ever – a never ending phenomenon. But do I have regrets about going through all of this? If I give a very honest answer, perhaps not… If destiny provides me with an opportunity to be with AJ again ever in my life; and then a painful separation, I would in all probability accept it with both hands. Not because I am in love with a painful life; but because I still yearn for those happy times with him. Somehow he just refuses to get out of my system… I can’t stop myself from asking a question to myself – what is AJ for me? I don’t have an answer. Perhaps he is everything – my best friend ever; someone whom I trusted the most. That would never change.

I am literally picking up the pieces left in my life and restarting it all. I am not sure how much successful I would be in this. I really want to succeed in this… But as usual, life doesn’t always give you things that you want… And at the end of it all, I ask myself that question which everyone dreads to ask - am I a looser???

Back In Town...

I am back in Bangalore – the city that provides me with my daily bread; the city where I am one in a million anonymous individuals. This obscurity is intimidating once in a while; but very effective when you are trying to run away from the rest of the world. I ran away from this city hoping that the change of cities would help me get out of a rut; but I am back here with the realization that I will have to get though it on my own. There were many things that were distinctly different from what used to happen in the past – no longer do I get that SMS “Reached??” on my mobile phone with AJ’s name flashing on the sender’s name; or no longer do I have that sense of expectancy once I reach here. It’s a new beginning for me I guess; something that needs to start from square one. And hence even in those strange backdrops I get back to the city I belong to.

There is an element of tiredness in me. The break has done no good for me – on the contrary, I feel more tired with all of this. Even now I am not able to concentrate fully at work. My mind wanders; seeks solitude; my colleagues say I look dull even with that smile that I try to paste without fail. Maybe it will take some time to get back to my normal self. After all, the human mind is not a slate – something that can be wiped off in a flash with a moist cloth. It resembles more to a wound which takes time to heal; and I feel I should give it the time to heal on its own. One of the things that I learned out of my failed escapade is about the worthlessness of running away from trouble. For a moment you feel that you are out of trouble, but in reality, it’s just taken a momentary pause. The moment you get back to a similar circumstance, those troubles come back at you at a vociferous pace; opening all those painful wounds. The only way to overcome troubles is to live through it; there are no escape routes in life. And hence I have started to live through it. Everything is feeling strange now – being going alone for lunch; or traveling alone to office. These are new in my daily routines – but am living through it; hoping that I would be able to restart my life which as of now looks like being in reset.

Let me see how far I can proceed in this…

Running Away...

I am writing this from somewhere very far away from Bangalore. In fact ran away from that city because I was feeling haunted by memories there. Everything that I look around had AJ in it. He left on Sunday morning, and by Sunday evening I realized that things were not much in control. Unable to sleep… not able to concentrate in work… all of that were yelling at me that if I wanted any little bit of sense remained in me, I should go away from this place as soon as possible. Hence I went out of the city on Monday itself. It was difficult getting leaves from office; but a bunch of lies ensured that leaves came in. As I took that overnight journey out of Bangalore out of my desperation to get out of the emotional run that I have been going through; I was still in doubt if I would be able to do that. And three days after that, things have not changed a bit. Probably he was someone who was very deeply attached with me.

I guess like everything in life, there are advantages as well as disadvantages of being too much attached in life... The good side is that everything seems perfect in such a relationship when things are going fine. But the flip side is that, when that relationship is going to end, you feel as if everything is going to end in front of you, and there is nothing beyond it. One seems to get overwhelmed with negativity in everything he thinks or does… But then, handling all these tricky things is the name of the game… isn’t it?

I find it very east to write that line… but extremely difficult to live by it… Probably that’s what they say as the yawning gap between principles and reality…

Good Bye To You My Trusted Friend...

Tomorrow AJ is leaving. His flight is very early in the morning. I have been spending the morning with him; helping him sort out his stuff. I don’t know what would be the right word to be using to mention what is going through my mind at this point of time. Is it happy, because my best friend is going on for something that he always wanted to do? Is it sad, because what used to be so much special for me is no longer going to be around when I am in need? Is it fear, because I don’t know what my life would be without him? Is it an anxiety, because I don’t know what to do once he is gone? Probably it’s a mixture of all of the above; and perhaps even something much more than that. How much would I want this day to never end? How much would I want for my life to be frozen at this point of time?

I tried a whole lot of things to make myself prepared for these couple of days. But looks like none of those efforts have had any effect on me. After all no one can ever replace what AJ is in my life. I was a fool even to try to think of alternatives. I should have realized that he is too important in my life to be replaced by anything. Today while we were sitting in front of an x-ray room, waiting for his turn to complete some medical formalities; and with my mind wandering in thoughts that were obviously sad, out of the blue he asked me a question – how will things go in the months ahead with both of us so far apart? I don’t know if he realized if that was the same question that has been eating me ever since he mentioned to me that he is moving out. Somewhere within me, something tells that this could well be the last time we get to see each other. I don’t know why I am getting this feeling; but it’s very strong in me. And that’s what makes this entire exercise extremely painful. And that’s exactly want makes every moment of mine fell as if I am in some sort of prison. I want to get out of this; but cant. I try things to get out of; but never succeed. Is there any end at sight for my misery?

At times I ask God in my prayers on what wrong I have done for so much misery to be piled on me. People whom I love, or want to be with walk away from me at an alarming regularity, leaving me all alone to wipe my tears. I at times wonder if I am destined to have any happiness at all. On the outside, people might think what’s wrong with me – decent work, decent living, good family, good friends; Life can’t be more perfect than this. But I don’t think anyone realizes the mental agony that I go through on a daily basis – when nights are filled with never ending flow of tears, when days are filled with apprehensions about the future. The “pasted smiles” that I successfully manage to put up every time makes sure that a very strong mask exists between what happens internally to me; and what the external world sees of me. But really I am getting very tired of all of these. I would like to break my inhibitions and tell the world what I really am; what I really think; and what I really want. Alas… I never got the courage to do so.

After all what is AJ for me? I really don’t know how to classify him. Without doubt he has been the closest person that I have at this point of time; and perhaps all of my life - someone whom I believe blindly; someone whose word I can never ignore; someone whose presence would bring in a smile on my face; someone who knows almost everything about me except the biggest secret of them all. I am very sure that he also feels about me the same way. But then why did he decide to go away from here? I don’t know how many chances of going away from Bangalore and making some decent money, I have declined in my life just for the sake of being with these guys. Was I stupid and impractical in all of that? I don’t know. Are relationships something that is on until its convenient; and to be thrown away when something better happens in life? I don’t think its correct on my part to expect anyone else to behave in the same way as I do things. But when you realize that, something for which you gave up a whole lot of good things that could have happened to you, is dripping away like beach sand drifting through the gaps in your fingers when you have your fist folded, I cant stop myself from thinking whether I am very impractical when it comes to relations…

AJ my dear… good luck… And be happy where ever you are… You will always be in my thoughts no matter how far you are… Thanks for all those good moments that you gave me… We may never get it again; but the memories attached with it will live in me for ever…

The lines of that famous Westlife song “Seasons in the Sun comes to my mind now…

Goodbye to you, my trusted friend; we've known each other since we're nine or ten.
Together we climbed hills or trees.
Learned of love and ABC's; skinned our hearts and skinned our knees.
Goodbye my friend, it's hard to die; when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air.
Pretty girls are everywhere; when you see them I'll be there.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time.

Filling The Void

Strange are the ways in which life evolves. When you feel that there is no hope left in life, out of somewhere there opens up a semblance of hope - something that would make you realize that all in not over for good in life; there is something still that can happen which would make your life a bit more better. And at that point of time, it feels as if that is the last hope that you have. You cling on to that little piece of light as if that is the dearest part of you. It could be anything – from a new person whom you came across; or a piece of information that might lighten up your life. But when that happens, it seems to have taken away all your pains. It seems to be the indication of a fresh start in life.

AJ is going away from me in a couple of day’s time. We have started the packing process. Almost all the shopping is done; the remainder of it would be done tomorrow. I have been there with him trying to put up a smile on my face. Believe me, its been extremely difficult for me all these days. And finally the day that I have been dreading has arrived. As we pack up the bags finally, give that final hug to him, how would I react? Would I be able to stop my tears from flowing down the aisle? I hope I won’t break down; but deep within me I know I would. AJ’s parents are coming in tomorrow; so that they are around when he goes away. I am still confused if I should go to the airport to see him off or not. I don’t want to create a scene at the airport. But he might not be happy if I skip it. Hence I would go – so see him finally walk away from me. All those years of being together; all those moments of happiness and sharing; everything will come to an end as I would see him walk away into that airport in a couple of days time. Its nothing less than an absolute heartbreak for me. The person who has understood me the best; the person whom I understood the most – he is no longer anywhere close to me. I don’t know how I would overcome this. But I would have to – isn’t it? Because that is what life is all about. All these days I deliberately made it a point that I don’t think too much about this day. I had sensed that it was giving just some pain and nothing else. But as the d-day arrives, I have to think about it. I am going crazy thinking about it all. Hope I have the strength to get through this moment of crisis in my life.

Well, there is something a bit interesting happening in my life. Around a week back, while I was online on a chat room, I bumped against someone. We had similar tastes in life; similar thought process; and it didn’t take long before we got ourselves going. So much so, that I find really comfortable being with him. We go on and on with the chat; talk about everything under the sun. And I don’t realize how time flies bye when I am with him – at least for me. I don’t know how he feels about all of this. Hope he doesn’t look at me as some sort of a boring character who pesters him every morning and night. I was desperately trying for someone to fill in the vacuum that AJ’s moving away would create in my life. I was trying to cling on to everything that comes my way. I wanted something to be there in my life. So far nothing had worked; until I bumped against this guy. Didn’t I tell life evolves in strange ways – this is one example of that. Is he the replacement for AJ in my life? I don’t know… I don’t think anyone can be what AJ was. But if he is able to fill in even a little bit of the void that has been created in my life; I am more than happy to have him around.

After a Month

Well, just can’t believe that I didn’t write anything for well over a month. Work had been to hectic for me these days; and in all of that I couldn’t find some time for blogging. Has life changed in the last month or so when I was away from my confession room – I guess not. It’s been the same old things happening. The fixed routine that I have been following seems to follow without any change. At times, I wonder at myself – am I a robot working according to some pre planned instructions. There in nothing that distinguishes one day of mine with the next. Alarmingly it seems to follow the same predefined path.

On one of these days, I got hold of a very old friend of mine online – on chat. We might not have met/talked for almost three of four years now. Hence it was a surprise seeing him after a long time. After the initial pleasantries were done with, and our personal statuses updated in our minds, I was wondering what was there to talk to him. It’s very difficult to have a conversation running along for me; unless the person at the other end is of the same wavelength as mine. And with a striking contrast, if my wavelength matches with the person at the other end, I can keep on talking for any length of time. Some of my friends would vouch on how much talkative I am. Well, I never felt that this person was having the same wavelength as mine. He was just another acquaintance for me; nothing more. During the chat I realized that he is now no longer in India, has been overseas for some assignment for almost a couple of years. Jeez, how quickly does time run away? He wants to come back, but the project assignments stop him from doing so. While I was still confused about whether to continue this chat or not, he suddenly said something that changed the discussion in a big way. All of a sudden he mentioned about how lonely and worthless he is feeling about his life, started talking about whether all these importance that we allocate to the professional life over our personal lives are actually worth it or not. Well well well… this was definitely matching my wavelength. And so started the discussion. We went on for about a couple of hours on our problems. Both of us opened our hearts out without any inhibitions. I mentioned all the problems that I am going through – especially with AJ and AR moving away, and how worried I am about the vacuum that was going to consume me. He talked about the feeling that has engulfed him about the unworthiness of the life that he is living. I don’t know why I opened myself out to him to that extend; probably the frustrations that were piling up on me were reaching a tipping point, and I just wanted someone to whom I could talk these. But why to him of all people? I seriously don’t know the answer. At times, all questions don’t have answers; and this was definitely one of them.

AJ is busy with his preparations to go overseas. And he seems to be really thrilled about it. I act thrilled in front of him. Sometime in the next one week or so, he will say good bye to me; go far away from me, my life. I dread that moment a lot, but as all dreadful moments that you would want to avoid in your life, this one as well comes at you at a furious pace. I am supposed to go shopping for him tomorrow. Why does destiny make me do this – make me do things that would eventually result in a huge pain for me? I am trying desperately to stay strong through all of these; not to expose what I feel within myself. Ask him about his travel with an interest, where as I get anxiety attacks thinking what would happen once he goes away. But still I try to smile; I try to laugh around – just for the outside world to be fooled. You can fool the entire world; but never would you able to fool yourself. To keep my mind out of the ensuing state of depression, I am trying to be in work for as much of time; get back that old lost habit of mine – reading. But the moment I get a little bit of spare time, the pain comes back to haunt me. Guess I am playing a game of hide-n-seek with the pain that’s all waiting to conquer me…