Nightmare In Real Life

I was thinking that things can’t go any further wrong for me in life; and as always life made me realize that my assumption was way off the mark. It’s been a real struggle to get over the fact that AR would soon be away from my life. And so far I have not been able to live with it at all. The way forward seemed to be a really tough one, with no solutions in sight. I tried to be as jovial as possible in front of AR, so that he doesn’t get an inclination of what is going through my mind. After all, the experiences that I have in my life made sure that putting in those “pasted smiles” came in quite naturally. As the date of his departure comes closer, so does the increase in the pain within. Somehow I managed to pull off these days, and in many ways AJ who understood how much I am attached to AR made things very comfortable for me. His presence definitely reduced the separation with AR; and I was slowly coming back to life; visualizing a life without AR around me.

It all started with a normal phone call from AJ yesterday evening. He generally calls me while he goes for his snacks to have a small chat and charter our dinner plans. Both of us work in the same campus, and many a times we travel together when our schedules meet. All these things get planned during this phone call everyday at around 5 in the evening. When he started talking his voice was a bit heavy. I could sense that. It happens only in two occasions for him – either when he is loaded with too much of work, or when he is upset with something. I knew that something was on my way. He said that his manager has asked him to go over to the UK for a couple of years on a damn good assignment. Did I hear that correct? My tongue just became numb for a moment. I had no idea what was happening, why it is happening. I literally froze. When I didn’t respond anything for a brief period, he woke me up asking whether I was busy at work or not. I told him a lie that my manager is around, and I would call back after some time; and the call ended thus.

I was in a state of shock. Why is this happening to me again and again? Three pillars on which my life revolved on – AR, AJ and MS, are just vanishing in a span of just a few months. I felt disturbed. I sat through a meeting at office till 8, but clearly my mind was not in it; it was a situation of physically present and mentally absent. My watery eyes made one of my colleagues enquire if everything is fine with me or not. As soon as the meeting got over, I called AJ again. Now he was busy in a meeting; but still he mentioned that he is going, and if everything went through, he would pack off by the middle of August. He would be late to get out of office, and hence said that he would come to my place by around 11 in the night so that we can talk. My dizziness hadn’t left me, and I was completely unaware of what I should be doing; packed up my bag, ate something on the way for the sake of eating something and left for home. Honestly, I was in a different world all together. I walked through that sub lane parallel to the main road; my mind nowhere in my control, almost being hit over by a car that came along. I was woken from thoughts up by a big honking from that car; the driver came out of the car and started abusing me. I apologized to him, as the mistake was clearly with me. Guess he was a decent guy, and once I apologized, he went away.

Once I reached my house, I was feeling some pain in my chest. I felt like vomiting… felt as if I am being choked to death… Some deep breaths were taken in to get myself back to normal. I was feeling heavy hearted; my limbs were like being immobile. I just fell over the bed without even changing my cloths. My watery eyes finally burst its banks as I could sense the tears rolling out of my eyes. The pain was becoming increasingly unbearable for me. I wanted to talk to someone so that I can reduce the pain – someone who could understand me. AR and AJ couldn’t be the ones as they are part of the reasons why I am feeling this way. MS is out of town as well. I had only person left to whom I could call – a new friend of mine whom I came to know just recently. It was almost 9:30 in the night, and I didn’t know if it would be the right time to call him or not, but still called him as the pressure was becoming unbearable for me. Thankfully for me, he was more than willing to talk with me and we talked for about half an hour, during which he tried to convince me about how to get out of this. We finished the call as he had some official stuff to do; but my restlessness was still very much on. This had been the most uneasy moments of my life so far; and I didn’t know how to get out of this.

I in my house was almost killing me. I decided to go out for a walk. The roads were soaked with the rains that poured down in the evening. Uneasy minds try to grab any comfort whatsoever that comes its way. I was desperately looking out for one; but couldn’t find any. I went ahead and sat on a bench in the nearby park. Sitting opposite to me in a bench were four guys after their dinner chatting about everything under the sun. A few months back they were easily me and my guys. How many times would we have come down to this park, sat there chatting till midnight; or until a police patrol drops bye and asks us to go home. How many times would all of us have sat on one of those benches, discussing things – ranging from problems at our families to what we want to be in our lives? Everything came back in a flash, and a sigh evolved from within me thinking of those wonderful days. Have I come to terms with those days never coming back again? Tears have been flowing from my eyes in an unstoppable manner. I was afraid if someone would see me crying. Hence I decided to walk back home. While walking back, I had one final glance at that bunch of four guys who were enjoying their times together, and hoped that their friendship would never have to see a day when it all falls apart. While walking back, I received a message from AJ saying that he has some urgent issues at office, and would be very late to come home. He said that we would meet up tomorrow morning.

I had pending work to do; but my mind was definitely not onto it. I decided that this was not the right time to do the office stuff, and took the easier route of getting out of the mess – go to sleep. Sleep as if nothing has happened. I tried to sleep, but it looked as if sleep has deserted me as well. Hours passed bye in my efforts to sleep, but I was completely unsuccessful in doing that. Those sweet memories of the times that I had with them were coming back time and time again. Once again I started to feel suffocated. I felt like vomiting. I prayed to God to make me sleep. Still the sleep was way off from me. The choking feeling was unbearable for me. I was finding it hard to breath. I felt as if I was going to get a heart attack. What if I die now? I was scared. When your mind is not in sound shape, your thoughts are a bit off the beat as well. There was no one in the house apart from me, and I wanted someone to be there. I wanted to talk to someone, and hence decided to call home and talk with my mom. I looked at my watch for the time, and it was showing 3 in the morning. Mom is always afraid when a call comes at an odd time. But this was an odd situation for me. I really felt at that point of time that I was going to die, and wanted to talk with her once. Hence I called her. I could sense the fear in her voice when she picked up the phone. I told her that there is nothing to worry and I just wanted to talk with her for some time. She asked me if everything is alright; and then we talked for about 10 minutes. She sensed that something was wrong with me; and asked me to come home one day earlier – start on Thursday itself. I don’t have leaves, and so I said that I would start only on Friday evening. I told her that I was not able to sleep for some strange reason; she just asked me to pray and then go to sleep. I hung up the phone promising to call back in the day; and renewed my efforts to get back to sleep. Sleep was still shying away from me, and the restlessness prompted me to move out of my bed and to the terrace of my building. I just sat there on the parapet of the building engulfed in the sweet memories of the past.

I was having absolutely no control over my emotions, and the suffocation continued. The feeling of being choked and a sensation for vomiting was overwhelming me. It overpowered me soon; and I vomited. Whatever little things I had eaten in the night got ejected from my stomach. Even after everything came out, the sensation of vomiting was not stopping. I continue to flush out air from my stomach accompanied by big groans. I was tired… I was exhausted… I sat down on the terrace and vented out a cry. I didn’t care a damn about anyone seeing it or not, because I was no longer in control of my emotions. Loads of tears would have flown from my eyes all through the night. As I sat there on the floor, I could see the sky brightening up, the sun coming out. The dawn had just broken. I hadn’t slept all through the night, and my face would have had a grumpy look to it. Sitting on that wet terrace had made my cloths wet as well. I decided to come down to my house before someone comes to the terrace. I changed my wet cloths, put in a new pair and laid down on the bed to put in the last effort for a sleep. Again it didn’t come. Is life so unjust to me that I have been denied a sleep as well?

I somehow made the time to be 9 in the morning; and started to come to office. While I was about to get out, I got a call from AJ saying that we would go to office together, and asked me to wait for 30 more minutes. I obliged, and in half an hour’s time, I reached his house. He was changing at that point of time, his brother was also there. AJ tried to crack jokes to ease up the tension in me, but all I could give was a little smile. In fact I was not even making eye contact with him as I was afraid I would break down again. He too must have sensed it, and hurried up with his stuff. We started on his bike to office, and the ride takes around 15 minutes from our place. Normally when we come together, it’s a time filled with jokes and fun. But today was different. There was deafening silence between us. When I reached my office, I got down, said bye to him. Once I reached my office, I logged into my messenger and immediately I got pinged by AJ. Guess he was waiting for me to come online.

AJ: why u were looking upset
Me: naa.. some office issues
Me: will finish it off by evening
AJ: so started saying lie to me
AJ: fabulous
Me: why do u think so??
Me: forget it man...
Me: I will be ok
Me: u know the reasons… dont u??
AJ: no... i just thougt ..how you willl feel...if i have to go.. and AR too....
AJ: I was so afried...so
Me: its a fact..
Me: Life will never ever be the same…
Me: but life never stops for an individual
Me: its going to be difficult..
Me: but then taking on difficulties is the name of the game..
Me: just pick up the pieces.. and then start fresh
AJ: hmm
Me: for the first time in my life I am afraid looking forward to life..
Me: guess its something that will stay for a couple of weeks max..
Me: after that it would all be fine
AJ: hmm..i understand

He is well aware of what I am going through. I gave all the politically correct answers. I know that’s not what is going through my mind… so does he… Loosing close ones to your heart is always difficult; especially the ones who have been together for years. In my case almost around a decade. More than just friends, we have become part of each other. And when they depart, it feels as if a part of you is parting ways with you. I don’t know how I will face tomorrow – a new world when they are not around. To be honest, I don’t know if I will survive to see that tomorrow.