Meeting A Friend's Friend

There is this friend of mine - whom I came to know through another friend of mine. Both of us ironically have offices very close to each other. The first time we met, it was just a "hi" and then a "bye". We met once more after that, probably would have sent each other a few messages over phone; talked over phone a couple of times. Nothing more. But the second time we met in a "Coffee Day" outlet for a cup of coffee, I realized that he is one of the most straight forward persons I have ever met. He was always to the point, and was very articulate in whatever he said. I really like people who speak their heart out. Probably because I am not a person who can be classified to belong to such a group, but want to be one. He has a really charming smile, and doing justice to his profession [he is a manager], he talks really well. Well, he was just someone whom I knew - and there are hundreds of them whom I know - till day before yesterday. It was my birthday, and the day was all but over. I was tired that night after all the cleaning and washing of my messy place, and I went to sleep very early. The next morning when I woke up, I saw a missed call and a message on my phone. Both were from him. It seems he had got to know that it was my birthday that day, and wanted to wish me before the day ended. I was in such deep slumber that I didn't realize my phone ringing. I found that very sweet. I mean, why on earth should someone take the pain of calling me so late in the night - especially when there is nothing much in the relationship. By consensus we decided that we should meet up over a cup of coffee the next day. To tell a bit more about this person - he is a queer as well, and had no qualms in accepting that. He has been involved in a relationship for over two years, and I could sense from my earlier interactions with him that he is madly in love with his partner who is overseas on an assignment. I liked the confidence in him, when he accepts to himself what he is.

So we met, on a fine late summer evening here in Bangalore, in a "Coffee Day" outlet near to our office. When we met, he wished me a happy birthday with a bear hug. When he did that on the road, what did I feel? Did I feel a sense of something that I wanted, but never got? Did I feel a tad apprehensive when such an open gesture of love and affection was done? Did I feel my heart tick a little bit faster? Did I feel a surge of emotions in my mind? Probably it was a mixture of all of these that were happening in me. Our previous meeting wouldn't have lasted more than ten minutes, as I had some work to do that day. But this time it went on and on - for over an hour I guess. Both of us were not tired of talking, at least I was not; and I hope that he was not either. We talked about everything - his family, his life, his love - everything. The candidness with which he talked made him a very pleasing person to be with. I too felt like opening myself up on the face of someone after a long time. I am pretty much open with VM whenever we chat; but very rarely do I open myself up in the face of others. This was a unique experience in that respect. I didn't realize the time flying bye in that evening. There was work to be done, hence had to cut short that evening.

That night while I was lying on the bed, as my eyes were dragging itself closer to sleep, my thoughts were well and truly engrossed in him. I was feeling happy; that much I am sure. Then there is always that feeling that comes into ones mind - what if this person was your love? Why didn't we meet a lot earlier than this, when we could have looked up to the possibility of being together. Its a useless bit of thought; but hey, what's the harm in just thinking. He is pretty much peaceful in his life with someone whom he loves more than himself. I had burnt my hand once trying to dream about someone who was never going to be mine. Why is it that I go the same way again? Maybe its that basic human nature - the want to be in love. And especially when there is someone who just touches your heart, make you skip a beat on his presence, make you smile with his charm, make you dream with his deeds - its quite natural I guess. And I went through that - big time. I dreamt of him that night, and probably realized that he is slowly becoming some sort of a crush for me. I need to be careful here I guess, otherwise I would end up being a person who is in crush with almost everyone whom I met.

But seriously, this was one meeting I really enjoyed to the core, and something that I am looking forward to have some time soon... I am going nuts.. again..

Its My Birthday - And I Am Celebrating It Alone

Its that time of the year again - when I look back at how my last year was..
Its that time of the year again - when I look forward to how the next year would be..
Its that time of the year again - when I evaluate all the things that changed in the last year..
Its that time of the year again - when I speculate to myself if anything would be different in the next year..
Its that time of the year again - when I think of things that I would have done differently..
Its that time of the year again - my birthday, which happens on this day.

Yeah - its my birthday today. Yet another year passes bye in my life. There is no longer that thrill in life; there is no longer that excitement; nor is there that optimism. Its more or less that same old routine - work sleep work... Couple of my close friends called me up in the midnight to wish me; and my parents called me up in the morning to wish as well. But did I sense happiness of the day in their voice; or did I sense a feeling of hurt in their voice? They have all reasons to be hurt. Their son is fooling around when it comes to getting married; whereas all the others of his age have got married. Its an all indifferent a topic for me, as I am the only one who knows the pain involved when I tell them one lie after another to not get married. Hope God upstairs would understand the dilemma that I am having to go through.

On the occasion of my birthday today, I thought it would be a worthwhile exercise to have a flashback on what were the things that happened in my life in the last year. To be honest, last year was good - a job change that changed the financial aspect as well as the satisfaction index in the positive direction, a relationship though it failed to bloom gave me to feel what it was to be in love, reasonably stable situation back home, no problems with my friends.. All in all it was good. The one regret that I would have at this point of time would be that I am still to get into an active relationship. My body and mind craves for one; but am dead afraid of the consequences. Hence that emotional satisfaction which everyone craves for in life is not there as yet. I don't have any hopes of that happening any time soon either. I am trying to find happiness in things that I do; but happiness just runs away from me like a mirage in a desert. The closer I feel I am to it, the farther it goes away. Very tricky indeed. Is it that all my enthusiasm about perusing happiness fading away? Have I gone into a state of mind where I have accepted that happiness and me would never ever travel in the same boat? Scary thoughts.. But I guess I am very close to reaching that state of mind in life.

As this day is coming close, I have one regret.. My previous crush didn't even remember about my birthday. Has he become so busy in life that I have become absolutely irrelevant for him. I don't know how many times I would have looked into my phone hoping that a message from him would have come. How many times I would have hoped of seeing his name on the phone when my mobile rang? Nothing of that sort happened. I guess he has clearly moved on - and perhaps doesn't want my shadow on his life. Can fault him either. But why am I so worried about that? All these days I was trying to tell myself that it was a relationship that's completely over. But I guess its just an effort from me to convince myself. But deep inside, I think, I still love him.. crave for his attention.. hopes for his time. Those are things that would never happen, but still for some reason or the other, my mind is still dreaming.

One thing I realized in this birthday. I am pretty much lonely here. Apart from my parents and a couple of friends no one even thought I was relevant enough to remember my birthday. Its a sad realization; but something that I would have to accept. And probably live with it for the rest of my life. And so when almost everyone in this world forgot that its my birthday today, I cant do nothing else other than sing to myself "Happy Birthday to you.. Happy Birthday to you.." No cakes.. No candles.. No hugs.. No wishes.. No birthday bums.. Just me and my loneliness... celebrating what's a really a remorseful day.

Confessions Of A Distressed Mind

Yeah.. I am in a mood to keep on writing. That would in a way indicate that the mood is sober within me. As I approach the date marking yet another year pass bye in my life, I cant stop myself from looking at where I stand in life. Life looks so empty when you have to do things that you really don't want to do. There are times when one values someone in your life - someone whom you can call as your own; someone whom you would love with the whole of your heart; someone whom you can be just you without any apprehensions; someone whose smile can take away all your worries; someone who can share your pain reducing them to nothing; someone who can enjoy your success multiplying them to thousands. Probably marriage is an institution that provides you with someone like that. But what happens for someone like me; for whom marriage would be nothing less than a catastrophe - a complete mess up of lives of two individuals. I wanted to talk about the real me to my parents and to my friends; but never had the guts to tell them all. For my own satisfaction, I am confessing myself in this virtual world.

To be a queer is one of the hardest things in life. When equations of relationship and love with your dear and near comes up, it makes for an absolute mess. How nice would it have been if my parents were to accept what I am; and not force me into a marriage. The fact that such a scenario is never possible in my life makes my life nothing but miserable. To maintain the relationships, I have live a dual life; even if that means wedding for life to agony and disappointment. Maybe I am destined to be like that. God, why did you make me like this; and gave me a life that is devoid of happiness. Why did you take away my chance to be happy? Why did you destine me to be a lonely soul? Daily after office, when I get to my house, why is it that I enter into loneliness rather than happiness? Why is it that I don't get to have someone in my life whom I would call as my own? Why is it that I have been put into a situation where I might well have to live a life that I don't want to have? Why is it that I am having to live a life of lies? A whole host of questions, but I guess God would have seen something because of which I have ended up the way I am, and am having to live a life which I am living.

Right now I am listening to a Hindi song, whose first lines if I translate would be something like
Life gave me just sorrow throughout my life..
Whatever seasons came, were all seasons of sober..
How apt are those lines for my life? Maybe its a song that's written just for me. Indeed my life just gave me sorrow. On the face of it I am happy; reasonably good job; good family; exceptional friends. But below all of that, there is a barrage of sorrow that wipes me off my feet. I am becoming very weak emotionally. I feel as if I can crumble any moment. All the excitement in my life has long but vanished. And the only thing that remains is abject boredom. As my birthday approaches, I am asking myself a question - where am I headed to in life? Is this a life that gives nothing but disappointment.

To my parents and friends who care for me, this is something that I cant say to you on your face - "I am really sorry for telling all those lies about myself and me not having interest in getting married. I had to live myself in a heap of lies as I don't know how you would be reacting to all of that. I know you will never accept me the way I am; as you perceive them as clearly unacceptable. You are so very precious for me to be missed out. And when given a choice between remaining in a hidden world and loosing you, I will any day take remaining in the closet. If at some point of time you felt that I have let you down, I am really sorry. For me you are amongst the most important people around me, and will always remain that way."

As I am about to complete yet another year of what I can describe as a failure, I look back and ask to myself one simple question - "Is there anything bright looking at my life? Is there anyone for whom my presence makes a big difference?" Unfortunately for both these questions, I answer is a pitiful NO.

Retrospection

These days there is someone around me who insists on me thinking positive in life. He feels that my problems would just fade away if I started being less negative in life. Well worth a thought I guess - especially when someone insists so strongly on something. And that prompted me to get into the chain reaction of thoughts. Why is it that I have a sense of negativity attached to me? This time it was VM who who told this. A few days earlier, it was AJ who told me the same thing - that I am very negative in my outlook; that I always tend to go the negative way when anything is mentioned. If many people say the same thing about me, I should really be giving it a serious thought. Am I in love with negativity? One of the many questions that lie unanswered within me.

Why do I think negative in life? After a lot of thought, I got the feel that I am not becoming negative by choice; but rather by circumstance. When life gives you disappointments continuously one after the other, there is no way someone can be bullish about life. I cant be gung-ho about things unless there is a genuine feel within me which says that it indeed is the case. When every piece of your body and mind is weeping, there is no way the lips can smile. If anyone can do that, I would say he is an exceptional creation by God. When there is sadness around, how can one be positive and full of energy? When there is disappointment and despair around, how can one be smiling from heart? When there is loneliness around, how can one be jumping around as if he is the happiest on earth? At least I cant do that. As they say, one can fool the entire world; but there is no way on earth that he can fool himself. The least one should be faithful to is to oneself. I try to act quite a bit in front of others, try to smile when there is a gutted feeling within, try to laugh when my entire system wants me to cry - just for the sake of showing to others that I am all fine. But what is the point? What is it that I achieve by showing myself as someone else in front of others? Nothing I guess.

This loneliness in life is killing me. Life has become very monotonous. Its just curtailed to work and work from home. I am desperately in need of love; and with it a bit of life. My mind craves for that; but my brain stops me from doing so since my pursuit of happiness would hurt a whole lot of people whom I love and whom I care about. Its very weird - this life of mine. Neither am I happy living it, nor are other happy seeing me live this way. There are times when I would go to sleep thinking why is it that the society around me cant accept me the way I am. Why is it that I don't have the freedom of living my life. Probably the constraints of having to live in a society like ours. I don't have the tenacity to fight against the society for the way it looks at a lifestyle that I would like to have. The society brands it as unnatural. I clearly understand that a society that has evolved over thousands of years cant change its outlook overnight. But with a society that's very intolerant to everything that it perceives as wrong, I have nothing but the lightest of hope. The audacity of hope - that's the thing that drives me on in this life of distress and frustration. There is that hope and dream - that one day I might well be in a situation where I might be able to live my life without being haunted by the society.

I just cant stop myself from going back by an year in my life. This time last year, I was living a dream. Or should I say - I was living in a dream land. I was feeling for the first time what it was to be in love. Its a different story that it was a relationship that was never going to work out; a relationship that would exist only in dreams. But still I enjoyed every bit of it. Even while I knew that it was never going to work out, I dared to dream about it. I used to wander in my thoughts around him; dream about things that used to give me happiness; anticipate things from him that would take me to heights of happiness; plan about things that would make him excited. But one year down the lane, things have all changed. I am again a lonely soul, someone who still craves for a bit of love, someone who dreams about a bit of spice in life. Its a lost cause - this life; something that I have forgotten to live for myself, and while trying to live it for others, I have forgotten what I am.. who I am.. why I am..

I Have A Dream...

I got one video yesterday - the video of Martin Luther King delivering an address from the at the Lincoln Memorial, Washington DC; an address that changed the United States for ever. I was really captivated by the way the great man spoke, the way he made the adoring thousands go an an emotional ride of hope. Well and truly a great orator; and probably a great world leader that never came. I was so much attracted to the speech that I dug out the transcript of that speech. Needless to say, I was spell bound by the way he had expressed his views.

One line in that entire speech captured my imagination; and I felt that it holds true even today; in every stage of life. It went as:

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

How apt. Its not just the racial bias that requires a mention here. There is a bias that exists in the society against the ethos of what an individual is. I am scared to tell others what I am; since I am sure that our society agrees to the view that I should be allowed to live the way I am. The fact that I am not straight would most probably be interpreted as me being a pervert. Many a times I feel that by living this dual life, I am messing up everything in my life. But even after know that, I still go on the same way as I am left out with no options in life. That's where I would like to yell out to the world the same line what Martin Luther King spoke out. I don't have the conviction of King in making this dream come true, but I do hope it comes through at some point of time. And at that moment, I would tell the same lines that Martin Luther King used to finish his address:

"Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Its on hope that the world moves on... So do I...

Wrong Expectations

Why do people start expecting things from others? The very moment people start expecting things, be rest assured that some disappointment is on the way. Its an experience that I have had quite a few times in my life; but still never learned lesions out it. I still try to expect things out of others. invariably ending up in utter disappointment. Every time I have that sort of an experience, I tell to myself that this was the last time that I would be expecting something from anyone. But that resolution, like many, very rarely lasts. I get back to the same old position much faster than the time I took to take a resolution in life. There has always been this tendency in me to put my everything emotionally to people whom I am attached to. Probably what they call as no half measures in emotional attachment. Its all fine till that point. But the moment I star expecting the other side as well to respond to me in the same way, I am inviting trouble. And troubles always had a big emotional bonding with me; they come flying to me any given point of time. Probably at this point of life, if there was anyone whom I can call as my soul-mate, it would be "troubles"; because its there with be 24 hours a day, 365 days an year.

The premise to all of these is an interesting piece of conversation that I had with an extremely close friend of mine. We were talking about something, and then I was trying put forth my view about it. Maybe I was aggressive in putting in that; and he naturally got agitated with it all. It came in as bit of a shock for me - the way he responded; as for long I have known him from very close quarters as a very soft spoken person. I tried to introspect as to why something like that happened? And the answer that I found pointed me to the same old problem. I was expecting him to go my way; when I had no right in expecting so. After all its his life. He needs to live it the way he feels satisfied; and not the way I think he should live. Old habits die very slowly I guess. At least now I should change myself. Otherwise I would end up loosing the very little friends that I have as well.

They say - to make mistakes is human, but to repeat mistakes is criminal. Hmm.. when will I learn???

My New Chat Friend..

Ever since I took internet at home, I have been browsing quite a lot; chatting quite a lot. It was during one of these chats that I came across someone - lets call him VM. very interesting chap I should say. Slightly older than me; but surprisingly the wavelengths matches quite a bit. There was an amazing level of similarity in our thought process; and time just flies bye when we are together. I don't know if he as well feels the same way about me, but for me, I wait all day for that few precious time every night before I sleep, where I get to spend some time with him. We talk about everything - and I feel pretty comfortable in talking openly with him. Many a times, it takes an eternity to find a person affable; but in his case, I liked this guy from the word go. We are in two different cities - far off, with almost no chance of bumping against each other. Probably that sense of anonymity that the internet gives have fastened the way I came close to him. In a very short span of time he has become some sort of a mirror for me. A very keen listener, he somehow manages to be with me and suffer all the bull shit that I vent out.

VM is in a relationship for almost seven years now; and I can sense that he loves his partner quite a bit. I ask questions about him and his partner, I don't know why... neither do I know if its correct to ask about them. But I still have that want to know more about them. Probably I am trying to find happiness seeing him and his partner happy. When you don't get what you want, the next best thing that you can hope for is to feel oneself happy seeing others happy. That's probably what I am doing with him. In a very short span of time, I find myself really close to him. Not sure if he looks at it as a burden or something else. I hope he too enjoys my company, and I am not boring him.

Work as usual is becoming hectic. I feel like I want a break; probably an outing over the weekend to charge my batteries. Yesterday my old crush called me after quite some time. He is feeling really happy about things; especially after his long term dream of migrating to the US having come true. He wanted it really badly, and now that he has got it, there is every reason for him to feel happy about it. Good for him. He might be moving on by the end of this year. After I talked with him, and came to know about this, I cant stop myself thinking how I would have reacted to this news had we been in some sort of a relationship. I would have been shattered at this news of leaving him. Probably God knew that something like this would happen; and that could be the reason why we never made it in a relationship. As they say - whatever happens, happens for good. Was there a tinge of disappointment within me when he said that to me? Probably there was. I still consider not having him as a loss that I had in my life. So he is moving on in his life. And that should probably close all windows within me as far as having a relationship with him is concerned. Good luck my dear. Hope your life has lots and lots of happiness.

This weekend is yet again a working weekend. Most of the time I will working from my home. This has become more like a routine in my life. It just keeps on happening. VM also wont be available online over the weekend. I want to watch a movie. But there is not even a single half decent movie these days. Probably I would have to confine myself to the IPL games.

Sill In The Cold Storage

Every once in a while I get suffocated by the secretive life that I am having to endure; and think that the best way out of it would be to make myself break free from all these. Even in the past couple of days, I felt like talking about myself to my friends, telling them what I am; and hope that they would understand the reasons for me being the way I am. But as usual, every time I want to express myself, something or the other happens which would stop me from doing so. And then all my enthusiasm of getting out of this emotional cobweb just drifts away. Predominantly, its the feeling of loosing someone very close that stops me from doing so.

Something similar happened over the weekend. I was mentally preparing myself to open myself up in front of my best buddies. Then coincidentally we happened to see the movie "Life In a Metro" on DVD. There is a small sequence in that movie where one of the insignificant characters happens to be a gay and is manipulating the heroine of the movie for escaping from a marriage as per his parent's wish. All of a sudden, the discussion on the room started on how gross a homosexual can be; and I could see an element of absolute contempt in them. They were passing out statements on how much unacceptable this entire thing is. With a lot of pain I realized that my close buddies would never be able to accept what I am, and I would eventually have to choose between what I am and my friends. This was an unacceptable choice for me; and the obvious happened. The planned "coming-out" was put back into the cold storage.

Later that night, while I was lying on my bed, I was thinking about why these things happen. My friends are not the uneducated, narrow minded people. But their intolerance to what they perceive as unnatural was a bit too much for me to understand. What is the reason behind the hate there? Why cant they tolerate this happening to someone around them? Is it the cultural fabric which engulfs us stopping them from accepting homosexuality as something natural; or is it plain ignorance? I don't have an answer to these questions. As I slowly went into a sleep, I was hoping - just hoping that some day or the other they would understand what it is to be a gay; and probably then I can open myself to them. Till then, I guess its staying in the cold storage stuff for me.

A New Start...

Well, time is just flying bye at work these days.. Nothing else happens. In a way thats good; because now very rarely do I drift myself into the depressing thoughts. Its gone to such an extend that he very rarely comes to my mind. And that in itself is welcome development; not because I no longer love him, but because I dont want myself to go through the pains again. I want to start my life fresh. And I guess I deserve a bit more happiness in my life.

In between the work, whatever little time I get, I have decided to use it in a better way. Probably read books; that was something that I used to do in a very big way earlier; but that has gone off the radar off late. I would have to start getting back into those good habits. And maybe spend a little bit more time with my friends. They are probably the ones that would have understood me the best; and they deserve a bit more time from me. I have heard someone say to me long time back - life is only as complex as what you want it to be. Maybe I need to give it a shot in looking at life a bit more simplistically. Who knows, all these cobwebs that are there in my mind might just fade away. Atleast I hope it would.

Last week I caught up with a couple of my old friends over phone. It felt really good while talking with them. It made me happy; some good memories came back. I think i should be in touch with them a bit more frequently than what I am doing as of now. I would have talked with them after a gap of six months probably. I was very excited to say the least.. We talked for about an hour or so. Some of those things that we spoke might have been repetitive. But who cares? I was happy, so were they. Thats all what matters in the end.