When Unexpected Happens..

One of the most happiest things that you feel is when there is something good that happens to you when its least expected. Something like that happened today. I was so scared on how he will react to my mail yesterday. I was pissed off by some of the self-derogatory statements that he made yesterday, and wrote whatever came into my mind. Before I could cool down myself, review what I had written, I had to send it, as there was something else that I had to do urgently. All night I was afraid how he would react to this. And in the morning when he was not responding for what seemed to be a long time, I was really scared that I did a blunder again. After all this was something that was expected to be kept as something for my own, and not even he was expected to know that I am harnessing such feelings for him. But then he replied almost a couple of hours late, as he was late to office. His response was very practical. He kind-of indicated that he didn't want the same things that he had gone through earlier to repeat. That was expected as well. I also didn't want him to go through the agony yet again. But then as an afterthought he mailed one more time; in which he said he also had some feelings for me.. Wow.. I was in cloud nine. That was least expected from him - though that was the line that I wanted to hear from him for a long long time. I don't know if he said that to keep my heart. But who cares?? All that matters is that he actually feels for me - at least he says that way. I don't see any reason why he should tell a lie on this regard to me. I will never ever even mention about my feelings for him; because I am happy with whatever I heard today. I know its tough for him to accommodate me in his life, since as he says, he completely belongs to his wife. But I feel cherished that he feels something for me.. That makes my day oh so beautiful.

Work is pending big time. Looks like my late night schedules are about to come back. I need to sort of my official stuff as soon as possible. Otherwise in a couple of months time, I will be completely piled up with work. Maybe a bit of organization at work might help me in that.

More Mistakes

For the first time ever, I kind-of said to him something that in turn means "I love you". I don't know how he will take this. He must be very upset with this,because he didn't want anything like that between us. But it accidentally came out of my mouth yesterday. Only after sending the mail, I realized that it might not have been the best thing to do. Well, mistakes continue to flow from me. BUt atleast this time I should have been careful; especially after the problems that happenend over the weekend. When will I realize that these mistakes are becoming a bit too costly for me. Already I have lost out on MS and his friendship. Now is it the turn of him to move away? I hope that is not the case. But these days things are not happening the way I want it to happen. Hence there is all probability that things will be messed up. I was getting so much suffocated with feelings for him that it might have escaped out of me at the first given opportunity. Jeez.. even if he doesn't have any such feeling towards me, at least let him not take me away from his life. I am really feeling scared.

MS must still be a bit upset about all those things. Luckily AR and AJ have come back as they were. Things will never be the same between us any more - trust once lost is never redeemed. They cant be criticized for the way the behaved - because its just so natural. When one of your best friends is mysteriously hiding something from the rest, people are justified to be a bit aggrieved. And they did exactly that. At least I want them as friends - if not as best friends.

All in all, I feel as if my world is falling apart. All because of my mistakes. I don't know how I will get them back in order. First it was the best friends that I disappointed. Now it is him. How many more people would I put into agony. My life is a wretched one - isn't it? Just born to give sadness to people. Just need to know who is the next in the line...

Wretched Start

It was the first weekend of what I would like to see as the most important year in my life from a personal point of view. This is the year where I hope that I will get my love; the year when I will finally have the courage to say what I feel from the bottom of my heart; the year when my relationships will be tested to the hilt; the year when I will see a whole lot of people close to me move away from me; the year when I perseverance will be tested; the year when my family could very well disown me; the year when I could be completely shattered; the year when I could finally find some happiness in life; the year when I may have someone whom I can say is mine; they year when I see some light at the end of the tunnel; the year when I finally realize what I am. There are lots of hopes, aspirations, fear and apprehension when I look forward to this year. Because this year could well be the watershed year of my life. The year when there would be some clarity in my life.

And this year got to the worst possible start over the weekend. It all started as a simple joke. MS was kind-of making fun of me for not getting married. It soon developed into a confrontation of sorts. I was very much cornered up for not telling them the fact. But can I, even if I wanted to? And were these guys ready to accept what I am? On paper, it sounds very good to say that being best friends, people will have to accept all things good and bad. But I seriously doubt if they were ready to hear that their friend is a queer. I too didn't have the guts to say that to the rest of the guys. MS was clearly upset with my reluctance in opening up. So was AJ. AR has this knack of not being expressive. He must also have been upset. After all we claim ourselves to be good friends; and then its unfair to them from me to hide some things in life. But this is one thing that I am afraid will change everything for ever. Things that would convert a beautiful relationship into something that is built on contempt. I didn't want anything like that to happen. Its a hard thing for me to tell to them as well. Hence resisted all temptations to tell it to them. They naturally got agitated, and God know how things went after that. It was absolute mayhem. And yesterday night both of us were on a bike for almost 15 minutes together, but didn't speak a single word. Maybe the first time ever something like this has happened. Is my world falling apart? Is the truth of what I am ruining my life? I don't know. Maybe it is. I don't know how things will get back between us. Its so difficult to have a fight with your best friend.

In all of this mess that I was going through, I wanted to talk to him. But didn't call. He must be having a good time with his family. Why should I mess up his time as well? From his mail today, I realized that he had a good time with it. Good that I didn't call him up and become a spoiler.

All in all, it was a wretched weekend. The worst possible way to start a new year in my life.

Its My Birthday Today

One more year has passed by, and now I have stepped into 29. Well, kind-of getting aged. All the fun started from yesterday night when there was something strange in the way AR behaved. He was on phone over extended periods of time, and there was something suspicious all around. I was feeling very tired and went to sleep at around 10:30. As usual AR was busy watching wrestling on TV. But my suspicions about him went higher and higher as he didn't sleep at his normal time of 11:30 - that's when the wrestling program on TV stops. But my sleep was getting the better of me, and I went into sleep. After some time I heard some hushes in the hall, and I went out to see what is happening. To my surprise, I could see MS and AJ as well there, and all three of them were preparing the cake that needs to be cut. They had some other plans about the cake cutting. But my abrupt waking up spoiled their entire plans. But then the whole world opened up. Wishes were given, the cake was cut, and the birthday bums were given as well. We chatted along till 1:30 in the morning, each of us having a bottle of wine. At that point of time, AJ and MS had to leave, and that was the end of that. It was a memorable time in every sense of the word. Never have I had such a celebration in my life.

Woke up at 5 in the morning, as I was planning to go to the church. The first message that I saw in the morning was from the friend, whose house I went over the weekend. She remembered my birthday, and wished me. Well, my effort to end the fight with her did produce some result. A very good start to the day I should admit. Once the service at the church was over, there was a barrage of phone calls as friends started calling me to wish me. It was a pleasant surprise that so many people actually remembered my birthday. These are the times when you feel that you are not actually alone in life. There are people around you - the only thing that you need to do is to open your eyes and look at them.

All the while, I was waiting for his call or message. That was the one that mattered the most for me. And boy, I was so desperate to get one from him. As usual, doubts started to linger in my mind. Has he forgotten that today is my birthday. There was no fun in me having to inform him that today is my birthday. If he were to call me, that would be good enough indicator for me that he actually cares for me. My patience was running out, as it became almost 7:30, and still there was no call from him. As minutes ticked by, I was starting to loose hope. All of a sudden my phone rang. In all the anticipation, I took my phone which was in the pocket of my trousers, hoping that it would be he who would call me. Unfortunately it was one of my colleagues who called me up to wish me. Its a horrible feeling when you are dragged more and more into disappointment. Every minute was like an eternity, as I desperately wanted his call. While I was talking with my colleague, there were beeps on the phone - an indicator that someone else was calling me. Was it he who was calling me? My excitement was sky rocketing. I told my colleague some lie, and tried to hang up the call. When I looked at the display of the phone, I saw the thing that I wanted to see the most. It was the call from him. His name was present there saying that I had a missed call from him. I don't know what I felt at that point of time. I felt relieved.. excited.. happy.. and God knows what else. Now I didn't want to call him back. I was a bit selfish at this point of time - but hey, its my birthday today. So I can do no wrong. :-) I kept on waiting for his call to come again. Every second was passing away at a snail's pace. And after almost 5 minutes, the phone rang again. It was him. This was the moment that I was waiting for. He has called me up to wish me. I just looked at his name displayed on my phone for a few seconds, just adoring it.. just loving it. And then I received his call. There are times in life when you want something so badly, that once you get it you don't know what do with it. This was a typical example for such a situation. I was madly looking forward to get this call from him, and when it came, I didn't know what to with it. In all the excitement, you are often lost for words. I was unable to even talk to him properly. Was I tense? Or was it that I got overwhelmed by the situation. I don't know. The only thing I know was that I messed it up - big time. Our conversation lasted for only a few minutes, and then we hung up the call. All that excitement lasted for nothing. I was kind of heart-broken. A very important part of life is seizing the right opportunity. Instead I messed it up this time.

I was utterly disappointed, and after a few minutes, I got a message on my phone. Assuming that it is from one of my friends, I opened it up, and to my surprise, it was from him again. The message read as following:
"May God bless you with all those wonderful things you look for in the coming days! All the very best returns for the day and a wonderful year ahead dear! lols"
All my disappointments went away in a flash, and I was blushing with joy. Does he realize that the thing I want the most is he himself? Hope his wish comes true!! I cant imagine how much I am tied up emotionally with him, and how desperate I am for him. We exchanged mails all day, and my mind was getting overwhelmed by him.

In office, things went on predictable lines. A wish came from my manager, wishes poured in from my team mates and friends. It was celebratory occasion of sorts for me. I was on a high ever since my interactions with him in the morning. For lunch, I took out one of my very good friends, and had a sumptuous lunch. It was cake cutting time again in the evening, and this time I had a 'Black Forest" facial. The monotonous sequence of events at office continued as the day was slowly moving to an end. In the evening my mummy as well called from home to wish me, as she was outside from yesterday. A day of celebration was coming to an end, with me feeling more happier than before.

I didn't get any materialistic presents this time for my birthday from anyone. But I got two absolutely precious things. One was the most memorable birthday that I have ever celebrated, when AR, AJ and MS made it a stunning midnight. But more importantly, those brief moments of interaction with him over phone - that was the thing that made my day. My dear, I love you so much. I just don't know how to tell it to you. I don't know how you will react to what I feel about you. But you are the best present that I will ever get.

The last wishing message that I received is as following:
"Before your day gets over, let me wish that all your day and the rest of the year be filled with joy of today and may you find your love of your life to share the wonderful you"
This is from a friend of mine, who is my lunch -partner off-late. Well, she similar to MS wants to see me get married as soon as possible. But she doesn't realize that I have found my love of my life, that marriage is not a possibility, and its just that I haven't expressed myself to him.

Hectic Day

One of those days - hectic, but absolutely no work at all. All day went in meetings - actually three of them. By the end of the day I feel completely drained off. It even included an interview - absolutely ridiculous, when the person whom I interviewed was twice as experienced as me. It sounds absolutely rubbish that I interviewed this guy. For some strange reason I was asked to do so. To be honest, I was not impressed by this guy. Felt as if he was just cooking up stories. So made him a reject. Feels really bad when I reject someone - doubts pop up as if whether I did the correct evaluation or not. I think I should make a firm stand that I wont interview anyone who is more experienced than me. That's it. Hope that would sort out the problem.

Whenever I get completely drained out, its his mails that keep me going. Today that as well was very less. Maybe he was pretty busy as well. So am completely feeling sick - completely pissed off. Now need to go home, take bath, and take some rest. If possible read something, and then have a nice sleep. Gosh.. I am so tired today.

Life Rolls On

At times people behave in a very strange way. All day yesterday in his mails, he was trying to portray himself as a very bad person. I never understood why he wanted to put himself up in such a way. It sounds a bit odd from him when he tries to put himself up in such a way. As far as I know him, he is one person whom I can easily call as a beacon of positivity. He is positive in everything - in life, at work, everywhere. But somehow he speaks to me with utter disregard for himself. Is it something that he deliberately tries to pull himself down in my eyes, I don't know. If that is the case, he is going to fail very badly. He is such big heights in my eyes that it will be very difficult for him to come down. And then as they say, when you are in love, you tend to overlook all bad things if any. I liked this person knowing that he wont be perfect - and he is not perfect either. One cant be selective when it comes to liking a person. You can never say that I will like some traits of him that appear to be good for me, and don't like the bad things as I perceive. That's not the way relations work. I love him knowing very well that there would be things in his behavior that I wont like. But then, if I really love him, I will have to accept him with all his his good and bad. Irrespective of how hard he tries, there is no way I am going to change my opinion about him.

At office as well, things are kind of sluggish. No real excitement around. I remember, last year at this point of time, things were just buzzing with activity. Is it time to move over in life? The problem that I see here is that I have given a few commitments here and there, and it will be difficult for me to move soon. Maybe the end of the year is a realistic time frame for me to move. But then, if nothing happens for such an extended period of time, I will have to opt for something else. And in such a scenario, the best way would be to move out. Off late I am seeing that the industry as well is not exactly on a boom. Does all of that point to a bleak future? I don't know. I just hope that its not the case. All our lives would be badly affected if there is a slowdown again. That's the last thing that all of us could hope for.

AR seems to be off mood these days. Very less talking, kind of being secluded to himself. Maybe the pressures of work is getting hold on him. Or is it that the time has come for this staying together for both of us to come to an end? After all he will also get bored seeing the same person day-in, day-out - eating the same food day-in, day-out. Hope his marriage happens soon. Even though he never expressed it, he is a tad disappointed at his marriage not happening. With all those horoscope problems, it would be difficult for him to get an alliance. But then, difficult and impossible things do happen in life, right? It will happen when the time is right. AJ seems to be very happy since his brother got admission into one of the plum colleges in Bangalore. That makes his day as well. Things will be hectic for MS as well, as his marriage is going to be fixed. AM feeling really happy for these guys that their stuff is going in the right track. The only touch of disappointment for me is AR's marriage. If God-willing, that happens as well, it would be so-called "picture-prefect".

One of my cousin is getting married over the weekend, and I have decided to bunk it. My parents are a bit upset about it. But I had to take such a decision to make sure that I don't end up telling more lies on me not getting married. How long will such a "run-from-the-facts" continue? At some point of time I will have to tell the complete truth about me to my parents. Am I really ready to say that to them? Are they ready to hear the hardest reality that they would ever hear about their son? I think "no" is the answer in both the cases. Hence its better to keep this within myself as long as things are not ready.

Wrong Judgement Again

Well things are getting back to normalcy between me and him again. Looks like I was so horribly wrong when it came to my judgment of his non-response. He was pretty busy in every sense. Buy yesterday he seemed to be a bit more relaxed, and we exchanged a whole lot of mails - some of them were really huge. And for the first time in my life, I said to someone that I am queer, and that happened to be to him. He still doesn't believe it, saying that its just my infatuation that is causing me to say all these things. But little does he realize that I have gone through all of these, and have come to this decision after giving a whole lot of thought. Anyways, hopefully he will understand me. He still feels that I am having a "fear-of-failure" in the bed, which is the reason why I am running away from marriage. But honestly, I don't have an interest in girls. Then why would I go ahead and marry someone. If I am to act cool, and go through the motions, would I be happy? I wont.. And if I am not happy in life, what is the point of living it that way?

Anyway, it was good that my assumptions about him were wrong. Unnecessarily I got upset about him not being there. I feel the real reason behind it all is that I am a terribly insecure person - especially when it comes to relationships. And because of this insecurity, I forget that everyone in this world needs to have their own space - especially the ones I love the most. In the case of him, I haven't even told him that I am madly in love with him. Then how is it that he will understand that I need him a little. Now that I have decided not to tell that to him, there is no way he will ever get to know about it as well. So expecting him to be there every time would be ridiculous. When will I grow up from my whims and fantasies? Or is it that the huge emotional baggage that I attach on my relationship with him is taking its toll? One of the easiest ways out would be to be pragmatic in life, and just be a silent lover to him. Live as a shadow for him, as long as he needs. But then I am a human being as well, right? Emotions form part of my life as well, don't they? Gosh.. this is seriously getting on top of my head.. Right now, I am just happy that he is still having some interest in me. That should be good enough for me to live for the time being. If everything works out fine, he will find some space for me as well in his life. I desperately hope that he would be able to..

Today would be a reasonably hectic day in office. Few meetings here and there all day. And for a change I have come in my formals. I don't remember when was the last time I came in formals to office - maybe a couple of years back. And actually, I look reasonably smart in formals. :-) That was a pleasant surprise.

Lonely Weekend

Being lonely in life is a very bad thing in life. That's one big lesson that I learned over the weekend. AR, AJ and MS not in town, meant that there was nothing that would happen over the whole of the weekend. It was as dull as it could ever be. The only silver lining over the entire weekend was that I went one of my friend's house on Saturday. She had been angry with me ever since I didn't attend her marriage. Six months went off with the fight, with neither of us not taking the step forward. I guess it was time that this fight had to come to an end. And hence decided to take the lead on that. And the visit to her house was the logical culmination of that. Met her husband there. He was very good - an ideal match for her. Good people always get good things. She had prepared a good lunch as well for me. Spent almost 4-5 hours with both of them. Didn't even realize that the time was flying by. Left her apartment at around 4:30 in the evening. There was this satisfaction in my mind that one relationship that I spoiled myself got repaired. It may never reach the highs that it reached the same time last year, but at least its not a relationship that's done and dusted.

In the evening, there was plans to go to the doctor to show my problematic knee, but got delayed in traffic, and hence cancelled it. Reached back home, and there was the dream FA cup final - Chelsea v Manchester United. Everything was pointing to a grudge match - Man U had won the Premier League couple of weeks back from Chelsea, and it was pay back time. The ardent Chelsea follower that I am, there was no way I was going to miss it. Initial part of the game didn't live up to the expectations, but who cares - as long as Chelsea wins. Didier Drogba's goal late in extra-time ensured that. One pleasing moment of the weekend. I was over phone with AR and AJ in Wayanad when the goal was scored. AR and AJ had specific reasons why they supported Man U and Chelsea respectively. AR hated Jose Mourinho, and hence took the side of anyone playing against Chelsea. AJ similarly hated Sir Alex Fergusson, and hence took the side of anyone who played against Man Utd. Strange reasons to support a team. I heard a huge roar over phone from AJ when the goal was scored. I was tense as the match was going towards the penalties. Peter Cech is not having a great record when it comes to penalties, isn't it? Anyway, Chelsea won, and that was good enough for me.

Sunday was the day when loneliness really bit me. And it bit me real hard. There was some sort of vacuum all day. I felt as if I am very lonely. I don't know how many times he came into my mind. I was tempted like hell to call him up, or at least message him over. But resisted it thinking that he would be with his wife, and I didn't want to do anything that would affect the two of them. I was hoping against hope that he would call me up so that we can talk. As usual, he didn't call up. When was it that good things happened to me? Now its becoming so much used to, that it would be a surprise if something good happens. Maybe he was too busy over the weekend, or worse, he might not have felt the need to call me up. Yesterday evening in the church as well, I prayed a lot for our relationship. I don't know is such a relationship is religiously correct or not. The only thing that I know is that I am madly in love with him, and am willing to wait as long as possible for that dream to come true. I don't know when it will come true. But I hope it will come true sometime. All my doubts and apprehensions about him will just go away, and I will get him. I just pray that God is there with me to make sure that it happens.

Weekend Ahead

One more weekend coming up. Yet again its a lonely weekend, hence most uninspiring by all means. One of my friends is getting married over this weekend. Hence AR, AJ and MS are going for the marriage. This guy is a friend of their's and have met him on a few occasions when he came over to our house. MS was insistent that I come over to Calicut for the marriage, as they were planning to go on an outing in the outskirts of Calicut tomorrow. The marriage is on Sunday. I decided not to go for it, since if I go for this one, my family would insist that I come over for my cousin's marriage next week. And if I go for that, I will have to listen to a thousand questions on why I am not getting married. For each of those questions, I will have to tell a lie as well. Why say so much lies again and again. Already I have said enough number of lies in my life. Hence decided to bunk both the marriages. MS was distinctly unhappy with my decision, and made no effort to hide it. He is that sort of guy. That's the reason why I absolutely adore his assertiveness. Had I been having half of his assertiveness, I wouldn't have been in the kind of mess that I am in now. Unfortunately he doesn't know the real reason why I am running away. Anyways will go and see them off in the evening. And then I am all alone for the rest of the weekend.

Maybe this weekend is the right time for introspection as far as I am concerned. Also I need to get back in talking terms with one very dear friend of mine. We became out of touch ever since I didn't go to attend her marriage. Felt really bad when one of my closest friends in office walked away from me. Now its time that I mend that relationship. I will probably go to her apartment tomorrow for lunch. Hopefully that will end all our fights. In the evening I will probably go to the doctor. My knee is giving me problems yet again. Don't know what he will say this time around. Every time I go to a doctor, I hear a completely new theory about what is happening in my knees. That should take care of my activities tomorrow. Sunday, nothing is planned - except for the visit to the church. Maybe I will go for some movie. They say "Life in a Metro" is good. If possible I will go for that.

Today he mailed me after a couple of days. Every time I tell myself that he is lost for me, something like this happens, which just rekindles the hope for me. I just hope that he really wants me.. I don't want anything much from him; just some time that he can spend for me would be good enough. I just want to be his silent lover, who always remains in the background, who will always be with him, but very far from all the happiness that he gets out of his family. I don't know if that will happen. But if it happens, that would be one of the greatest gifts that God can give me.. Jeez I love this guy so much... I am just not able to get him out of my mind.

Analyzing Myself

The working week is coming to an end today, and perhaps this has been the worst week that I have had in a long time. I got a beating in everything that I did - professionally as well as personally. All the professional beatings that I got over this week, I can pull it back up in the coming few weeks, but the scars that I got in the last week on the personal front will take a whole lot of time to heal. Loosing someone very close is very hard to take in. Especially when you have dreamed a whole lot of things with that person. When you realize that all those dreams are just breaking down as millions of glass crystals which can never ever come together again, believe me, its absolutely heart-breaking. Worst, when this entire process is agonizingly slow, and it happens in front of your eyes, its beyond words. Its a very helpless situation where you know things are falling apart, but even if you wanted to do something, you are unable to do anything. All my dreams are over. All my hopes are shattered. I am back to where I am - the same place looking out for my love. I had hoped that the search had finally come to an end. But what came to an end was just my dreams. Why did you get so much close to me man?? Now its almost getting impossible for me to get out of it.

Yesterday night I kept on thinking why the same sequence of events just keeps on repeating in my life. I start liking a person, that person responds in such a way that I feel that there is something special that's happening, and once the other person's curiosity wears off, he just dumps me and moves away as if nothing has happened. Throughout so far, its been just friends who used to do this. But now, with him, there was something more than just being friends. I opened myself to him to the extend that I have never done with anyone else. Somewhere down the line, I had that strong feeling in my mind that he is someone special for me, and that he would stand by me for everything. I was mistaken yet again. As was the case with many others, once he lost his curiosity in me, he just decided to move on. He might have taken the premise of work for that, leaving me absolutely stranded. But irrespective of how much gutted I am, I will always be thankful to him for one thing - he made me realize how beautiful is the sensation of being in love is. When you are in flying in the clouds with nothing else to worry about, the anticipation for each of his mails, the happiness that I felt when I went through each word of whatever he wrote, those beautiful one-lines that he had, the excitement I felt when I talked to him for the first time over phone, everything, absolutely everything made my day. My days became more brighter, my nights were filled with anticipation of the next day. There was optimism in my life after a long time - even though it was not going to last long. I slowly started smiling at my life. Somewhere down the lane the overwhelming feeling within me that I am a looser started to melt away. And then everything fell apart.

Now I am again left with picking up the pieces and restart it again. I want a final word from him on where we are going to - whether he is still interested in having me around, whether my dreams will remain as dreams for ever or not, whether I was terribly wrong in my choice or not. These are tough questions for which I myself don't know whether I will be able to take in any negative answer from him or not. Probably I will fall apart once I get his answers. But its better that I fall apart now, rather than at a later stage when there would be absolutely no hope of getting my life back on track again.. Boy.. I need a break - a break from this entire mess. I just want to run away from everything. I am sick of myself.. my choices.. my decisions.. my fate.. everything...

More Problems in Life

My bad times in personal life seems to be spreading over to my professional life as well. It seems as if I am going to be moved over to be working under my previous supervisor with whom I had so much of problems working earlier. Its like lightning striking twice. As if there were less problems as of now to tackle. My personal life is in such a mess, now if I am going to work under him again, my professional life will also be under the same amount of mess. Gosh.. why is it that these things keep on happening to me? When my manager came over to say this to me I silently agreed to him. Why did I do that? Have my timid mentality in personal life starting spread over into my professional life as well? I think that's what is happening. Man, I need to take some solid decisions. I need to sort out both my personal as well as professional life. I need to get a clear answer from him on whether he sees any future in my relationship with him. Does he want to carry it forward or not? Does he see me as a help or a hindrance to his happy life? If he feels that there is a future for both of us, if he says that he wants me, I will be with him for ever - as long as he wants it. If he feels that I am getting in the way of his happy life, I will slowly move out - in such a way that even he wouldn't recognize the change. And at office I need to clearly decide when I am to move out. If I keep myself in the in-between state, I will end up working with the same man whom I would never ever want to work with. Seems like moving out is the best option. I need to start preparing myself for the interviews. I am getting really killed by the kind of life that I am going through now.

I have all these decisions taken inside me, but whether I implement these or not - only time will tell. All I know is that I want to be assertive from now on. Otherwise my life will be in shambles.. But will I be able to take in the unpleasant things that I might have to hear from him and others.. I don't know.

And back home, they are increasing pressure on me to get married. How will I tell them that I am not the right person to get married; that my preferences in life are different. Even if I tell them this, how will they react?? They will be shocked for sure. They may even disown me. We are still not grown as a society that a family opens its arms to a queer son. They will always look at this as an action against God and his will. Will they ever accept that God created me this way? I don't want to get married to some girl, and thereby spoiling her life. I will probably be never able to satisfy her needs. Then why should I make her life a literal hell? Problems.. Problems everywhere.. but just not able to find any solution for any of them...

Finding Ways

After all the bad things that I have been thinking of, there was one good thing that happened. Yesterday I called him up, and he was saying that he was getting really very busy at work, and hence could'nt get into anything else. I am still not completely sure if that is the case. Something from withing my mind says that he is not comfortable with me around. And he does'nt want to express it to me thinking of what I will feel about it. If that is the case, I feel I should take the lead and get to know from him what he wants. He is too precious for me to be allowed to go through the agony just because he feels that I will get hurt. I will stay in the sidelines, fade away into the horizon, without making any noise if he feels that I am becoming bit of a burdon on him. Man.. I love him so much. The last thing I want to see is him getting into any problems what-so-ever because of me. It will be tough for me.. but I will somehow go through it. I dont want to take my mind to such a level that at a later stage it becomes exceedingly difficult for me to come back. As they say, the impact of a fall increases as the height from which one falls increases. I dont want to get into that sort of mess. Already I feel I am in a big mess with-respect-to him. There is nothing else that comes into my mind except for him.

But how do I go ahead doing this? The easiest way one would asume would be to ask him. But is that such a simple thing to do? I am not sure about it. It is going to be exceptionally hard for me to ask him if he really wants this to go forward or not. I am afraid of two counts - one what if he says he is not interested, and second what if he feel bad about it? In either these cases, I will be gutted. I just dont know what I should be doing. But this cant go for ever. Otherwise I will get mad some day soon. Need to find a way out....

AJ came back from his native place yesterday, and we talked over phone in the night. He went on and on trying to pull my legs on the new female colleague who has recently joined my team. More than anything else he is desperately trying to evoke some sort of feelings in my mind for girls. He believes that I am suppressing my feelings for girls in my mind, and thinks that repeated bombardment of such a thing would result in a change of heart for me. I feel very much guilty when they try to do all these. All these things are happening because I haven't been as open to them as what they expect out of me. Its just due to the fact that I am afraid how they will react once they get to know about the real me. Probably they will hate me for the rest of their lives. After all who wants to have a queer as a friend? That's exactly what I am most worried of. They are so much important for me - they are kind-of my pillar of strength. I cant think of a situation when they are completely away from me. They are the only ones that I have in this city.

I am probably in that phase of life where one small mistake from my side will result in my life falling apart. There is this fear in me - the fear of loosing that's is literally killing me. My family is definitely going to be shattered when they know that I am a queer. My friends will walk away. The person whom I madly love doesn't even know that I love him that much. He may not even have such an idea in his mind. Moreover I see signs of him not interested as well. I am feeling very lonely - so lonely that I don't find a shoulder in sight on which I can put my head on..

Introspections

This emotional rut is kind of killing me. I am incapacitated big time - not able to concentrate at work, not able to even have a good laugh with my friends. The sense of loss is quite overwhelming. The only thing that I could hope for is that he might be busy at work; and that's the reason behind him being cold to the entire thing. But my head says that chances for that is very slim. This might well be his way of politely saying "Enough is enough; go away so that I can lead a peaceful life". That brings me back to square-one. The same place where I was looking for someone to whom I could express myself. The search that I was doing, the search that I thought I found a solution in him, has actually resulted in nothing. I am where I started my search. Just that I lost whatever little hope that I will ever find my love. I have lost hope.. lost hope in everything.

If we go strictly by the books, I was actually trying to do a painting on the ice in bright sunshine. As the ice melts, my painting of life would also drift away. I have sent him a mail for one last time.. Hope he sees it and responds. Otherwise, even though unwillingly, I will have to accept that he is gone for ever from my life. [That was very hard even to write] No matter what happens, it was a very beautiful dream - something that changed me for ever. Something that taught me how it feels when you fall in love. Something that taught me that life is not as simple as it is seen. Something that taught me to dream about love. A whole lot of things I experienced for the first time during this period. I would have done anything for this dream never to end. But dreams always ends. It invariably ends with a rude shock. No difference this time as well. Just that it has completely pulled me down - to such an extend that I am down for the count. It was an emotional roller-coaster ride - a ride that took me to the highs of ecstasy, and to the lows of despair. Thanks my dear for making me feel all of that. Irrespective of whether he needs me or not, I will always love him. He was my first love, and its oh so difficult to forget your first love. And in my case he gave me lots and lots of good memories. That it would have a sad end was almost sure considering the fact that there were lots of constraints on him. Moreover he never ever said that he wanted to get involved in a serious relationship with me. It was just that I was flying in my dreams, imagining things.

Now that it is over, where does it leave me? Time for some serious introspection. I want to run away from this entire world, live a life of isolation for some time, try to start my life fresh. It may not be practical, but then when was I ever practical in life. A dreamer will never be practical.

Starting to accept..

Face your past without regret
Handle your present with confidence
Prepare for future without fear
Keep faith and drop the fear
Dont believe your doubts and never doubt your beliefs
Life is wonderful if you know how to live it..

Well, message of optimism from a friend. Cant help to be apprehensive of the relevance of this message for me. Where is the optimism in my life? Where is the light of my life? Everything seems to have gone away as I have woken up from that dream. The reality of "him" no longer being there has hit me real hard. I am not even able to concentrate well at work. I dont know where life is heading to for me. I feel very lonely and left out.. feel like there is no point in me being what I am.. I am lost - lost for words.. lost for life.. Why did I fall into something that was not going to work out?? And now I find myself in a hole.. so deep that it will be exceedingly difficult to get out of.. I knew that this was bound to happen some day.. But didnt expect it to happen so soon.. Jeez.. whats wrong with me?? What is it that made him move away from me for good?? Right now I just want to be in a lonely place.. cry out loud.. let my emotions and feeling ejected.. Even that I am not able to do. How unfortunte I am??

I just cant get "him" out of my mind.. The more hard I try, the more strongly he comes back. Every five minutes I keep on checking my mail; hoping against hope that "he" would have sent some message. That it would never happen is something that my head says emphatically; but my heart is not willing to accept it. I dont know how I can get back into my normal life. Thought hard and long about it. But could'nt find an answer to that. Maybe spending more time in office, and getting involved in more official stuff will help out a bit. I cant even find a person with whom I can go and discuss it as well - because I dont want the darker side of my life to come out in the open. What will I do?? God.. show me a way...

Start of the End..

One of the worst things in life is when you realise that you are loosing something thats very precious to you; yet you are not able to do anything, as there is very less that is under your control. I feel I am in that state as of now. I am defenitely starting to loose "him". There are distinct signs of disinterest from him, which I am able to read. Maybe the dream is finally coming to an end, and I am about to open my eyes into the cruel reality of life. As they say "A looser is always a looser", irrespective of how hard he tries. There have been stark differences between us. He is ultimately positive, I am ultimately negative.. He is typically an extrovert, I am a damn bad introvert.. He has a dynamic life, I keep on thinking that I am a looser. And much much more.. These differences were bound to come out in the open sooner rather than later.. Its really really hard to sink in.. But this I feel is the start of the end of a beautiful dream.. Gosh.. I am not able to handle this.. Feel as if I am getting myself into a big deep hole.. so deep that even sunlight is not going to reach me.. I am loosing hope very very quickly.. How will I take this all?? I dont know...

Wishful Thinking

Yesterday I expressed my apprehensions in life to "him". I wrote at length on my fears in life, the fact that I am leading a life based on a bunch of lies, and my overwhelming fear that when the truth comes out into the open, I will be completely gone. "He" does'nt like the negative tone in what I write [as "he" is the so-called beacon of positivity. Maybe this startling contrast between the two of us is the thing that attracted him to me to this extend]. Tensions are bound to fly now because of this. "He" will be angry; and probably wont even reply. Now I have to get back to him and get him back to talking terms. But did I say anything wrong yesterday?? I dont think so. Its a bitter pill to swallow; but unfortunately I have to swallow it.

My insecurities are increasing on a daily basis. Everywhere I find no way forward. I am madly in love with "him" - eventhough I have never said it to him, because I am afraid how he will respond, and I wont be able to take in a rejection. If one looks at this objectively, it will sound senseless to asume that "he" has some feelings of the kind I want for me, because of a multitude of reasons. A beautuiful wife, a very happy family.. why would he want a looser like me who is a perennial looser in life? Maybe I am just running behind a lost cause. I am expecting the most unexpected thing that can happen. I might be taking rapid strides into complete disaster. The most saddening fact of this all is that even though I realise all these things, I am not able to change my ways. I am so much madly in love with "him". Dont they say love is blind??

BTW, just as I was writing this, I got a mail forward from one of my friends which had the following lines:

Eventhough the sky seems dark, believe in the future
The storm will pass over, the clouds will roll by
Believe in the best though it seems hidden
Know that it will come though its not in sight
Your faith will take you through the darkness
Your belief shall prove that the sun will shine again

Message from God for me?? I indeed hope that the sun will shine on my life... Just wishful thinking...

A confused weekend

There are times in life when you feel completely lost; completely confused. Probably this weekend was one such. I was all alone over the weekend, as AR and AJ had gone home. MS came over on Friday night, but was busy on Saturday and almost the whole of Sunday. I felt very lonely and kind of depressed. My mind was full of thoughts about "him". Well, "he" is becoming some sort of an infactuation for me. "He" is there everywhere - in my dreams, in my thoughts - everywhere. Am I loosing my senses; or worse am I loosing my ability to look at things with a practical point of view.

Probably I am thinking too much into the entire thing. I dont even know what "he" thinks about me. Maybe "he" is not serious at all. Or else "he" might be looking at me just as a friend. I am keeping of imagining things in my mind - that are never going to work out. I loose a couple of heart-beats when I think of how I will react when I have to face the reality - a reality that would shake off everything that I have been imagining. A rude wake-up call that would bring an end to this beautiful dream. Am I really getting mad for him? I went to the very indifferent step this Sunday that, while I was in church attending the mass I prayed for a strong relationship with him. God, please make my dream come true. This is the first time that I have fallen in love with someone. And I dont want this to come to a disasterous end. For a married man who is deeply committed to his wife and family like him, I dont know how much practical it is.. If at all this dream crash lands [in all probability it would], I would never blame him for that. It must be mighty difficult for him to manage everything without things falling apart. I dont want to take anything away from his family life - something that he cherishes a lot and values a lot. But is'nt it possible for him to spare some of his space for me? I just hope against hope that he is able to do that..

BTW, yesterday I saw his orkut page.. Umm, the dad and kids look so similar. And there was a photo of his wife as well. She looked absolutely gorgeous. "He" is very lucky.

Since I was all alone at home over the weekend, I saw a couple of movies on laptop. One was "Love Actually" [the original of the Hindi movie Salaam-e-Ishq]. Really liked it. Far far better than the crap that the Salaam-e-Ishq provided. The movie handled the emotion of love so sensitively. I really liked the character of Mark [played by Andrew Lincoln] in the movie. Here is a man who is mad about his love, but is desparately insecure to tell it to the outside world. Hey, does'nt it resemble me? And towards the end of the movie, he conveys his true feelings to his love, who also happens to be his best friend's wife. Thats so well taken. When will I ever have the guts to open up myself up like that? Once the movie got over, this was exactly what I was thinking. I dont know. I hope it would happen some time. But time is running out for me. My frustrations are only bound to increase, the longer I keep it to myself.

Yesterday night MS called me up late in the night and we talked for about an hour or so. The subject of discussion was why I am not getting married [no surprises there]. He is one person who honestly want to see me get married and settle down. And he has tried really hard for the last one year for that. But how can I say the real reason to him? How will he react to the news that one of his so called best friends is not straight? Will I remain as one of his friends - even if not his best friend? I really doubt it.. By the way he was persuading me on this matter, I was mightily tempted to open up in front of him. Bu my insecurity about relationship with him stopped from doing it. I finally said that my mind is not a slate which you rub, and something new comes up. I think he asumed that I had an affair earlier, and am trying to get out of it. I am really very very sorry MS.. I should'nt have lied. But I am very afraid if you will take it the way I put it, and hence I had to lie to you. When you realise the truth some day, I hope you will understand me. Little do you know how much passionate I am in my mind for "him" [eventhough it is never going to work out]

I was wrong... again..

Well, as usual I turned out to be wrong in my whims.. He was busy all day at work and hence could'nt come online; and God knows what all things I kept on thinking in my mind. This might be what people call as making a mountain out of a mould. I had smsed him some time in the noon [my patience was running out] and that was when I got a response saying that he was slogging at work.. He called me sometime in the evening and we talked for about 10-15 minutes.. That certainly calmed my nerves.. :-) Poor guy seems to be having a pretty bad time at work.. He says its cos he started getting along with me that all the bad habits that I was having is getting transferred to him.. If one looks at it in an analytical way, he maybe right in whatever he said as well. I just remembered what the condition was for me last year at this point of time. I was slogging - in every sense of the word.. Working for around 14-16 hours a day; seven days a week.. Now I am relaxed.. with not much of work. And the poor my man - he seems to be at the bad end of things at work.. slogging pretty bad. I could'nt stop myself from laughing when he said this. Hope his struggles at work get over soon.

Am I loosing him?

Finally I got the courage to give my phone number to him.. And he gave me his as well.. And we talked over phone a couple of days back. Contrary to what I expected, I was not tensed at talking with him.. I rather felt at ease talking with him. It happened on Wednesday evening. I felt like I was in heaven. Maybe the relief that it finally happened made me feel that way. I started dreaming about things.. times that I would spend with him.. nad much more.

But it does'nt take much of a time for destiny to crash my dreams. I was brought back to earth yesterday when I called him up. Everything that could go wrong went wrong.. I guess I called him up at the most awkward time.. Probably his wife was along with him when I called him. I could clearly sense an uncofortability factor in the way he talked. He was not able to speak out openly. I am really worried that I might have landed him up in a soup. Whay did I call him?? I dont know..

Today he has'nt come online.. Is he angry with me?? Has he decided that enough is enough between us.. Or has decided to cut off everything.. All dangerous thoughts are coming in my mind.. Feels as if earth is moving down from my feet.. I dont know how I will react if that is the case.. I am tense.. as tense as I have ever been.. No.. I dont want to miss him.. at any cost.. I am afraid to call him up as well.. What if he just disconnects, thereby indicating that he does'nt want to talk.. God.. whay are these things happening to me?? After a long time I felt that I have found someone with whom I am kind of "in-love".. Now that as well seems to be going away..

My Worries...

I am back at my desk after a gap of almost a week.. Boy.. did I miss my desk during this period. Every day seemed to be like an eternity. I missed his mails on each and every day.. I was a bit surprised that he sent me mails even when he knew that I maynot respond.. Is he actually liking me?? Umm.. my dreams are getting wilder. But when i realise the reality that I may never be able to be what I want to be with him, i feel extremely hurt. This is just a dream. When the dawn breaks out, this dream will be over - and I will be pulled back to reality - a cruel reality that he is not mine.. He has a family on whom he dies for. I am just dreaming about things - but I feel as if I am enjoying my time in the dreams. I am worried of the day when he comes up and says he has nothing more to do with me. I am worried of the day when he starts feeling that my relationship with him is starting to affect his family life, and hence wants to back-off from this. I am worried of the day when he says that whatever that was there between us was just a dream, and its time to walk into the reality. I dont know how I will react to such a situation. The very thought of that makes me scary. But when you are in a world of dreams, you tend to forget about everything that resembles reality, and tend to live in that. Its utterly foolish - but I am absolutely mad at him, and even after knowing that I am into disaster, I am still living that dream.

Had lots 0f mail exchanges today.. At times things getting very passionate about our friendship. He wants our relationship to be of that nature only. Since he wants it that way, I also pretend to be in that way. Little does anyone know that I am completely mad for him. I am afraid I will cross the line some day - which would result in dooms day for both of us. He would defenitely not want to get involved with me the way I want. There is a huge urge in me to take one more step forward. Atleast talk to him through phone. I am even timid to give him my number. But without taking that step how would this go ahead? I dont know.. I simply dont know..