Fear At its Worst

Last couple of days have been very tense for me. And strange enough, it had nothing to do with my work. Forgot when was the last time I told something like that. It was my problematic knee that was was the reason behind the worry. It started swelling all of a sudden from Sunday, and by Monday the pain was becoming absolutely unbearable. Hence decided to go and see a doctor. Told him about my state, and he was worried as well - maybe slightly tense is the word I should be using. He was adamant that I should go and see the doctor without any delay. He found the the name of one good doctor from one of his friends, and I set about limping to the hospital on Monday evening. The doctor whom he suggested was not present that day, and I had to see some other doctor. When someone gets a swollen knee without any injuries, falls and accidents, its a cause for worry. The doctor also was confused for the reason why I am in such a state. A whole lot of blood tests followed to see if I had any arthritis problems, and I was asked to come back on Tuesday.

Ever since I left the hospital on Monday evening, I was tense.. For the first time I was scared. The reaction and the puzzled look on the doctor's face made me very nervous. I was not able to do anything. I tried to sleep, but couldn't. I tried to walk around, but was nervous again. I kept on thinking what I would do if things are really bad. A whole range of thoughts came storming into my mind, and I was confused - confused to the core. He called me some time in the night. But for the first time, even his voice was not good enough to ease me.Finally I forced myself into the bed, trying to sleep - all in vain. Towards the end of it all, I started telling myself that I would take in whatever that might come.

All of Tuesday in office I was tense. He was sending me mails every once in a while, but that was no way helping me to ease my tensions. I was just waiting for time to come for me to go and see the doctor. It was getting into hugely frustrating proportions. And eventually I got to see him. To my greatest relief, all my blood tests came negative. But then the question came up from where is the swelling coming from. He asked for an X-ray, and that's where things started to come out. It seems that there is a growth in my knees. The doctor asked me to do a scan as well, before he comes to a conclusion. If his theory is correct, I would have to do a surgery. Umm.. that's something that I definitely don't want to do. I am so scared of that. I have been asked to see the doctor again on Friday, to decide on what needs to be done. He says that surgery shouldn't be an issue and I shouldn't worry about it. But somehow I am dead afraid.

So that takes me back to square one. Things are as unclear as it was earlier. What will I do if I am do undergo a surgery? What about my work? I don't know.. All these have left me now with more questions than answers.... :-(

Finally We Met

This was a weekend that I was waiting for a long time.. Finally I got to see him. We would have talked a 100 times.. we would have smsed a 100 times.. we would have mailed a 100 times.. But nothing was even remotely close to seeing him in person. I would have to admit that I was a bit tense. Tense about whether he would like me or not.. whether I would be the person that he had in his mind.. whether I am dreaming unnecessarily or not. But then Saturday came. We agreed to meet up, just to see each other perhaps. It was decided almost a week back, and I was literally counting the days till Saturday came. The d-day so to speak.

We were planning to meet at around 6 in one of the busiest malls in the city. I had a bit of pending work in office, and was at work during the day time. Then an emergency came, and I had to go to the mall at around 5 itself. I messaged him saying that I was about to be there in the mall at 5. But he was with his friend at an other part of the city. That meant that I was to be alone in that mall. Its a strange feeling when you are alone there.. Everyone to be seen there had some company or the other. I was waiting there staring at the people who were having some fun in the company of the people whom they were with. My wait went on and on.. Couple of times he called me up saying that he would be late, as he was stuck in traffic. Slowly I was getting a feeling that my wait might just be something in vain. Does he really want to see me or what? Doubts started coming in as usual.. I didn't know what to do now -- should I head home, or wait for some more time. I was sure from within that I would completely break down if he doesn't come up. What better place than my house for the breakdown? I didn't want the world to see my agony.

When you are madly in love with someone, the way in which I am, you go beyond your senses in doing things. Even when I had that sinking feeling within me that I might be waiting for something very illusive, I didn't want to go.. I just wanted to wait that extra minute.. that extra half-an-hour.. in the hope that he would come. This wait was killing me. As I stood in the second floor of that big mall seeing thousands walk bye, I realized I might still be very much lonely in my life.. The person whom I was madly waiting for all these months may decide to give it a skip. I decided to get into the comfort of the books at that point of time. I was dead upset, and needed something to get off the bunch of emotions that I was getting tied to.. Books are something that have always managed to change my moods. Got into the biographies and international sections of one of the biggest bookstalls in the city.

Time passed bye, and I had decided on the books that I was going to buy. While I was in the queue at the bills counter paying for the books that I had bought, I got a call from him. Finally he was in.. All my fears were just my whims.. I was trying to make a mountain out of a mould. Why am I so insecure about my relationships? Maybe the fact that I never had one could be the reason for that. My heartbeats were racing along... If we were to map those heartbeats into some speedometer of a car, it would have seen to be like a car accelerating on an isolated highway.. I was looking forward to the direction that he was supposed to come.. And finally there he was.. with a warm smile on his face.. The face that I had been longing for such a long long time. I didn't know what to do.. Every inch of my body was excited seeing him. Did I have some goose pimples.. Maybe there were. We recognized each other soon, as we had seen each other on photos. He came to me standing in the line.. shook hands.. and there was his killing smile.. He had a look at the books that I was having in my hands, and said he would wait outside while I pay off the bills.

Once I paid off the bills, I went out, impatiently looking out for him. He might have been somewhere outside doing something. I waited outside for him again, and there he was reappearing from the crowds with that killer smile on his lips. The next one hour or so was perhaps the best time in my life for a long long time. We talked and talked and talked. He took me to his favorite ice-cream shop, and we had some ice creams. Who cared about having an ice creams in that cold night.. I didn't.. I was just too happy to be with him. I was just staring at the person whom I was waiting to see for such a long time, and I couldn't believe what was happening with me.. Maybe I might have behaved a bit odd in the way I was upto him, because I could see him as well bemused at the way I was behaving. And then it was time to go.

As we walked towards his car, a whole host of thoughts were running through my mind.. Why didn't he come a bit earlier in my life.. when there would have been absolutely nothing that would stop him from being mine, and me from being his.. I was answering things to whatever he was asking, but my mind was elsewhere. Why is it that things don't happen properly in my life? He is the first person whom I have fallen in love to.. but the sad part of it all is that we might never be together. I am destined to be the person in waiting for him for the rest of my life.. Its a destiny of choice by me.. Something that I hope I would do any time for him. As he stopped his car in front of the last curve to my house, I didn't know what to speak.. That beautiful little passage of time was coming to an end. Was there a bit of a tear in my eyes?? Maybe there was.. Is it possible for time to get stagnant at this point of time? Is it possible that there is an endless torrent, that would take me to the world of my dreams... There wont. As I said bye to him did I want to kiss him good bye.. I definitely did. That might perhaps be one thing that I would never be able to do in my life.. But then, God has given me only this small bit of happiness with him.. That's what God has destined for me.. Who am I to challenge it.. I will wait.. wait for the day when I will get him. If God has mercy on me, that would happen.. else it would be a never ending wait that would end only when the last breath is taken away from me.. Thanks my dear.. Thanks a lot for bringing in some happiness in my life.. Thanks for making me realize what it is to be in love.....