Off late had been feeling a lot frustrated with myself in my inability of talking things about myself to others. Being a person living in duality have put me in such a situation. Its a suffocating feeling that I have when there are a whole lot of things that I want to say, but cant say due to fear. Hence thought of opening my mind into the blogging world.. :-)
I have always been kind of an insecure person, especially when it comes to relationships. I feel for relationships very quickly, and find it exceedingly difficult to get out of it. People say there should be a line that defines the limits in relationships. In my case its virtually non-existent. If I like an individual, I just feel for him - big time. Invariably I have had problems with that. More often than not, people get bored of me pretty soon, and just move away from me. Probably this happens because I may be an uninteresting person. A person who doesn't have a vibrant life, a person who tends to stay in the shell, someone who seldom comes out in the open. Its very difficult for people like me to have lots of friends. If I have to number mine - I have three very close friends - AR, AJ and MS. We have been together for over an year now, and have become pretty close in this period. The fact that all of us needed each other in some way or the other would have helped us reach this camaraderie. There is very less that we try to hide from each other - except for me. I have hidden one of the biggest truths about me from all these guys.
That I am a queer is something that I have carefully kept as a secret all this while. For many many years I tried to run away from this. But the further I ran from the truth, the more strongly it started hitting me. I lost my sleep.. I lost my happiness. Slowly but surely I realized that I wont be myself if I don't accept what I am. Hence very late in my life, I accepted to myself that I am a queer. I realized that God created my genes like that, and there is no way I would be able to change it. I never had the confidence to tell this to anyone - not even to my best friends. How would they react to this? Queers have always been a point of big-time ridicule whenever we chatted. Little do they know that I am one of them. They will just move away from me - look at me like some sort of a filthy pig, which I will never be able to take in. I am kind of fed up of living a dual life - where I say something which is exactly opposite of what I feel about it. Its a very bad feeling when you are part of the ridicule act on queers, when you clearly know that you are one among that. My family will never accept it. Being part of a God-fearing Catholic family, it would be exceedingly difficult for my parents to accept that I am queer. It is kind of a bomb that will destroy everything in its vicinity. Relations will be thrown out of the window. Love will be replaced by hate. Affection gives way to animosity. I don't want any of those things to happen in my life - when my parents, my close friends, everyone just moves away from me, and I am all alone. Hence decided to keep this as a secret all my life, keep on telling lies when it comes to marriage. When I look at it, I am having a life that's essentially based on a bunch of lies. Such a life doesn't last for long. At least that I am sure of.
In the meanwhile, I started to a have a strong feeling from within that I need someone to love. Someone who can take care of my emotional needs. Someone with whom I can feel my love. Hence the search was on. Chat rooms became one of my favorite destinations. Spend hours in search of my man. Met a whole lot of people online, but nothing worked. I am such a timid and an introvert that more often than not, the people whom I met online left me even before anything significant happened. My search for the perfect man was going nowhere.. until one Sunday in January 2007, when I met him online.
I met this person on the net long time back when I chatted. He is married and has a very happy family. Still he was wandering around to find someone. I was desparate to have someone as well. We chatted.. chatted and chatted a lot. Somewhere down the line we became very close to each other. We called ourselves as good friends. We have never seen each other, never talked to each other. But still there is something in me for him which makes my heart always look out for him. Maybe this is what they call as love!! I have never expressed to him that I have any such feelings for him. He was involved with an another person earlier, which ended in a heartbreak. I thought its better for him as well as for me not to get into such a relationship. He had lots of trouble getting his life back on track after that sad turn of events that had with his ex-lover. The last thing I want is for him to revisit the agony because of me. Hence decided to keep my emotions within myself - sound to him as if I am a cool friend. But I dont know when my threshold will fall off, and express myself to him. More and more I am feeling that I am in love with him.
