Pasted Smiles

One of the most depressing and difficult things to do in life is to act cool when things are after all not that cool in life. Right now I don't know how many hats I am wearing simultaneously - hats which I don't know if it is going to make any sense at all. The difficulty in pasting a smile on your face when you are bleeding badly within is something beyond words. To laugh when your heart is crying.. To enjoy when the mind is depressed.. To murmur a song on your lips when every possible part of you is weeping.. These are things that take a whole lot out of you. And I doing exactly that now. Don't know how long I will have to live this sort of life.. When will happiness finally come to my face??

The harsh realities in life is teaching me ways to live in the harshest possible way. Every day when I talk to him, there is agony within me - something that comes with the realization that he doesn't want things the way I want, but still manages to put up a smile, an odd laugh, a rare piece of that 'cool feeling'. At least those moments when I talk to him are the ones I wait for all day, and when they come, its like a downpour of emotions. But deep within me, I am crying. Is there no one around to see that I am crying? Is there no one around to understand that my heart is bleeding? Perhaps not.. That's the curse of my life. There are people around me, but are there anyone really around.. I don't know how long I would be able to live this kind of a life. There is a limit to which I can stretch myself to. Beyond that, it becomes a life that has no virtue..

Why didn't you come into my life a bit more earlier? Some time before when there were no constraints on you.. Sometime back when you could have been all mine.. Sometime back when there would have been no force on earth that would have stopped both of us being together.. Maybe I am just not destined to have you in my life. I love you more than what words can tell, what actions can express. I guess this is something that will remain for ever in my life, and probably never end.. This is spark that will be there within me for ever - as long as I am alive. You will always be there within me - even if you don't want to have any such feelings for me. Its life of distress and disappointment that I have chosen; but I will take it any day. I just cant imagine anyone else in your place in my heart. If the destiny takes us to a place where both of us have stakes for each other, so be it.. If not, I'll wait.. for the rest of my life...

Crossroads in Life

I am feeling very much drained out - in every sense of the word. Things are getting very hectic at office. Add to that all the emotional baggage that I am carrying forward. Things have changed a whole lot in the past few days. He very clearly said to me that he doesn't want a relationship in the lines of what I was hoping for. That almost completely has destroyed that beautiful dream in which I was living in. I have been brought down crashing into the harsh real world. I feel as if there is now a big vacuum in my life. Its like a balloon that gets burst out all of a sudden, and the only thing that remains with you are a pieces of rubber which is completely useless. Though I agreed to him that I wont look at him from the point of view of a relationship, its getting almost impossible for me to get out of. After all a human mind is not like a switch which you can turn on and off. At least mine is not. Its a suffocating feeling. Why is it that happiness is not at all coming my way? Or is it that I don't deserve good things in life. I don't know..

I find myself in the crossroads of my life - a stage where everything looks so bleak. The situation that I find myself in forces me to look at life in the most cynical way possible. No matter how pragmatic a person is, rejection always hurts. When he said he doesn't want to look at me from the point of view of relationship, it was as if something went through my heart. It felt like earth moving from under my feet. When all the dreams fall into tatters right in front of your eyes, the grief that accompanies it is not something that you can put in words. I don't know what state of mind I was in at that point of time. Its been four or five days since this happened, and even now I haven't got out of it.. Not sure if I will ever get out of it either..

Now that leads to the question what about me and my relations with him. Is it ever possible for me to look at him in a different way? I guess never. Its so very difficult to forget your first love. He is my first love.. and probably my last love as well. I don't think someone else will ever occupy his space in my mind. Tough decisions on my life has to be taken. I have decided to open up to my parents.. tell them what I am, and the reasons why I wont go ahead and do a marriage. Then what? That's the question that haunts me a lot as well. I believe in destiny. If destiny says and the God wants it that way, I will definitely get him some day or the other. If not, I would like to believe that my destiny doesn't have him written for me.. But I will wait.. As long as there is life in my body, I'll wait. I don't think its possible for me to se anyone else in his place.. He is there in my mind for ever, and that would probably go away only with my death... whenever it may happen.. Just one question to God.. Is there no happiness that's destined for me??

Back After A Break

Back to the blogging world after a bit of a break.. And it was certainly a break that was having volcanic proportions. A lot of things changed in between. For the first time in my relationship with him, I admitted to him that I am having a crush on him. If I say that he was taken aback by that statement of mine would be a thorough understatement. He doesn't want anything of that sort between us. He wants us to be extreme friends, and nothing else. Jeez.. it was so difficult when I heard it the first time. But then, there is no way I can find any fault in him. After all he is having a family, which he cherishes so dearly. It was my mistake that I opened myself to him in that way. After all this was something that was bound to be there only within me. There was no reason for me to say what I feel to him. When I look back, it was a day of complete madness - a day when I was not in my senses, a day when I lost control of my heart, and said things to him that I shouldn't have. Maybe I got overwhelmed by emotions, and I ended messing up something that was so special for me. Hope our relationship is strong enough to withstand that foolishness of mine. There have been lots of times when some foolishness from my part has resulted in relationships being broken. The sad part of it all is that even after all these bad experiences, I haven't learned. I haven't learned how to make a relationship, and protect it. More often than not, I get carried away, don't think of the sensitivies of others and make stupid decisions which make an irreversible damage to a relationship. I just hope and pray with all my heart that this is not yet another causality of my stupidity - because this is one relationship that I value the most. Something that I would give anything to protect.

Spent the weekend back home. Can't say that I spent it with my parents, since I was outside for most of the times. As expected my marriage was one of the most prominent subjects of discussion while I was there. These are the times when I feel like telling the truth about me to them. But then, the fact that they may not be able to accept the reality stops me from telling it to them. From they way they are speaking, it sounds as if they are kind-of desperate to see me get married. This time things seems to be getting out of my hands with my uncles as well getting involved in the entire thing. Maybe its time to tell it to them. At least that would bring an end to the false hope that they are having upon me. Its one of the biggest crimes from me that I am making them remain in a world of false hopes. But somehow I am not getting the guts to tell it to them. I am afraid of the possibility that they will completely disown me, and I would be left alone in this world. There would be absolutely no virtue for my life after that. Its in a complete mess - in every sense of the word.

Things are getting a bit too hectic at work as well. Lots of work is pending upon me, and it will take some effort to get them done in time. Looks like my late nigthers are coming back with a vengeance. One thing that I have realized as of now is that I need to be a bit more organized. Otherwise there are nightmares that are coming up for me. I can see them in the horizon. Somehow I need to work a way out of all of these. I don't know how I am going to do this. But then, that is the challenge that I have this year. If I get the better of this, I would count it one of my biggest accomplishments at work. Everything poses a challenge of its own, and this one is no different. It all depends on how I am able to tackle it.

My guys are also having a tough time - especially MS. He is having to put in lots of late nighters these days, since he has a delivery some time next week. AR also is having a bad time at office - both due to his work and his manager. AJ as always is busy - no surprises there. In all the hustle and bustle of life, are we guys missing out on the good times? I feel so. Maybe once the hectic times at work are done with, we should all go out, have a nice time together. That is when all of us enjoys our life the most. There is one more problem that has come up in front of me. My parents want to come over to this place, and that would require me to move out of the current house. Its becoming so difficult even to say to AR about moving out. After staying together for so many years, its always difficult. But then that's life, isn't it? There are times in life when you have to bite the bullet. In all probability, this is one of them.

It Is His Birthday Today

Well, its the day when my man celebrates the anniversary of his arrival to the face of the earth. And that will always bring in a smile on the faces, right? Birthdays are very special in that respect. It brings in a smile on the faces of people even if they are exceedingly depressed. There is a charm on the face of the people on their birthdays. Maybe its the hope of a better tomorrow that brings in that smile. Whatever be it, birthdays are always something very good.

I SMSed him at midnight. Had put a reminder on my mobile, and I had to stay late to read something. Hence it was not a problem. Called him in the morning once I reached office. Just like what it was on my birthday, his phone was engaged. He called me back in no time. And then I wished him. Jeez, I was blushing when I wished him. Probably he is the only person whom I would have wished with so much of heart. Hope he gets all the good things in his life, and is happy for life.

Guess he was bit busy all day, because of which he didn't check the mail that I had sent him. In that mail I had given the link of the flash movie that I had created for him. He sounded very pleased [contrary to what I had expected] looking at it. There was no more explicit way in which I could spell out how much I love him. My dear I love you more than myself..

This is the poem that I had written for him. Got the skeleton from some website; did some surgery on that, and my song for him was in place.

Somewhere the sun is shining, and the clouds are not in sight
Somewhere someone's laughing, and talking about what might
What might be another year, for us to spend together
What might be another time, that I could cherish forever.

Somewhere two people laugh and joke, and carry on all day
Talk about their past and future, in an extraordinary way
They talk about the last few years, and how they made a bond
They found it funny they both were different, but both especially fond.

They found it funny they both were different, but both especially fond
A friend to tell of all your worries, if ever you were blue
To trust with all my secrets, and keeping yours close to heart
Knowing you will comfort me, with heart and with soul.

Somewhere the sun is shining, and we will meet again
Become the friends we always were, and talk about what's been
Although far away, I know you're here, to help me through hard times
Help me make the right decisions, when I don't see the signs.

Somewhere the sun is shining, and you will be in my heart
For you are more than a friend to me, and we shall never part
This is the time to let you know, how much I really care
I love you, no matter what, and cherish the moments that we shared.

But today my dear is your day, the day when all happiness pour on you
May that smile remain with you for ever, making everyone else smile
May your life be filled with joy, bringing happiness to everyone around
And once again with all my heart, all the very best returns for the day.

A Special Week

After a weekend where you spend most of the time in office itself, it is a horrible feeling that you have when you come to office on a Monday morning. There is no refreshment in the air. On the contrary, you feel exhausted; with absolutely no energy to carry on. When you are drained off everything that you have, there is a lot left to be desired. It was something similar today morning. I decided to create a to-do list so that I can be a bit methodical in the way I do things. The sad fact was that the list was pretty big, and by the end of the day I had reached no where. More than half of the things in that to-do list have to be taken forward to the next day. A flop start in every sense of the word. But as they say- something is better than nothing. Maybe I can build on from here. I want to be organized at work; since next month would see me really pushed to all corners.

Yesterday night we went to the mall, did some shopping for my little cousins. Boy, these kids wear is a bit too expensive. I guess the theory that these people in the shops seem to follow is that lesser the size of the cloth, the more expensive it is. Otherwise how can I explain that a small t-shirt was costing me around 300. I think that the mens wear was less expensive than this. Anyways this is for the kids that I love the most; hence any money is less for them. Once all the shopping was done, we had some very good Hyderabadi biryaani. Umm.. That tasted Oh so good. The memory of that taste still waters my mouth. And by the time we reached home, I was completely exhausted.

Tomorrow is my love's birthday. I wrote a poem for him. Got a skeleton from the net, modified it according to what I felt. Sounds absolutely stupid. But anything for him. Used this poem in one of the online flash movie creations, and created something for him. Because of the work that I had to do over last week and the whole of the weekend, there was no beautifications done on that. Its looks novice. Not sure if he would like it; and hence in a doubt if I should tell about this to him. Anyway I don't want that effort to go waste. Hence I might send the link over to him with the apologies. Hope he will understand me. He will definitely use this to pull my legs. But still, if that makes him happy, I will do anything for him. I have set a reminder at midnight tonight for wishing him. I will SMS him probably. This is a moment that he would want to spend with his wife; I don't want to get into the picture there.... Hope all the happiness comes down to him.. :-)

Weekend In Office

One of the worst things that can happen is to be in office on a weekend. It sounds surprising that such a statement has come from me; especially after all the weekends and nightouts that I had in office in the last year. But ever since 2007 started, I have made a deliberate effort to stay as less as possible in office. And as a result of that, I have been to office very rarely - maybe around 5-6 times in the whole of the year so far. But today I am having to be in the office. There is lots of pending work that needs to be completed before my boss has to change the nature of his face. Came over hoping that I will make some head-way. But nothing happened. I am exactly where I was yesterday night. Hopefully the next week would be better for me at work. Now I am feeling really tired. Just want to go home, and take some rest.

There will be the weekend getto that happens in our place tonight. The last time we had this getto, there was that altercation with MS. I am really afraid something like that will happen again. Hope its just my fear. I am taking a whole lot of print-outs as well home. If I get some time, I will read it tomorrow. [The chances for that is very less though. I get very lazy when I reach home :-(]

For my love, this is the last weekend he is going to spend with his wife before she goes home. Hope everything goes fine for her. My man has been anxiously waiting for things to happen for a long time. Just hope that things go really well for him, and just that he is happy in every moment of his life. Didnt want to call him, eventhough there is a huge urge in me to do so.. No.. I dont want to be a character between him and his wife.

One more tragedy happened today. I was preparing a flash movie for my love - to give him as a surprise present. But unfortunately now I am not able to see it from my place. That plan has to be dropped now. Very bad....

Down With Illness..

Past couple of days haven't been great for me. Work is piling up in a big way; and to make matters worse, I am not really feeling well. I am having to go through a bout of fever, cough and cold. This is the kind of stuff that I hate the most. You are neither completely in; not completely out. Feel absolutely exhausted in every sense of the word. But at the same time, due to the amount of work that is pending, I am having to come to office as well. And the person who makes my times in office so very special and happy is busy with his work as well. He seems to be really tied up with work. That meant very less number of mails, and very less interaction. I crave for his mail all day, but very rarely it comes. He is not the sort of bloke who would find reasons not to send me mails. He should be really really busy. But during the days that he is busy, my day is such a drag.

When he is not available for me, I cant stop myself from thinking if I am walking towards a disaster. Though I opened myself up to him that I am indeed having some very strong feelings towards him, I am not sure if he actually feels that it is the case. Guess he still feels that its just my whim or a fantasy that I have towards him. Gosh, I love this guy like mad; and find myself in a situation where I am not able to look at anything else. And if he is turning a cold feet towards me, I don't know if I would be able to take it in.

Yesterday over the phone when I talked to mummy, I mentioned to her that I am not interested in getting married. She was shocked, agitated and God knows what else. She was asking for my logic behind the decision. How can I tell that to her? She still lives in a world where being a queer is one of the biggest crimes around. I am sure she wont be able to understand the reason behind my decision. Its all going haywire. I definitely don't want to live a hidden life - where I want something, and I do exactly the opposite. So marriage is ruled out. I am still contemplating telling the truth to her when I am at home. The biggest worry that stops me from doing so is my doubts on whether she would be able to take it in or not. God, please help me in this.

Saw the photo of the girl that MS is supposed to get married to. She is cute. Looks almost like him itself. Both of them will form a very good match. Now I want to see AR as well get married. He is really a bit upset at heart on not being able to find a girl. As they say, everything has a time associated with it. We all need to wait for the right time to come, and when it comes everything will happen without hindrance. Hope AR's time come up soon.

I am feeling very tired now; probably would go home and take some rest...

Bad Times

Some people always enjoy the best that life has to offer
Its not because more good things come their way
Its because they find good and enjoy the good in whatever that comes their way

This was a message that I received in one of the forwards that I got today. It makes a lot of sense, isn't it? At least for me it does. More often than not, there is an element of negativity in whatever I see; and because of that I feel that I am always hard-done. I feel as if things are not working the way I want it to work. But the reality might be something entirely different. How about looking at things as if they are really good; and maybe be happy at it? Maybe I should try doing it that way. Then my world might be a lot more better than what I perceive it to be.

Its been a hard time off late at office. Work is pending; things are not going as intended; and my efforts are not materializing as well. My instant relief which is his mails that come in once in a while, which used to refresh me up in all possible ways, have also dried up in the last couple of days or so. He also seems to be in the middle of some very hectic times, and is having to slog it out in the office. Even though I tease him about his slogging with implications that he should be willing to do it more, deep inside me I hope that he is relaxed. He enjoys being relaxed, and that is when he is at his best. The one-liners come out in its full flow, and the smallest thing that he does is sufficient for me to get back to the best of my moods; no matter how bad a mood I am in. Really I am missing him a lot these days. Hope his hectic times at work come to an end as soon as possible, and I can get back the person whom I absolutely adore.

Things are not going well for my guys as well. AJ is still struggling with a sour throat, while AR seems to be having a huge number of mouth ulcers to fight against. MS was supposed to come back yesterday night, but had to postpone it since his sister had an accident. He called me up and we talked for quite a long period yesterday night. I feel that all the anger he had towards me after that incident a couple of weekends back would have waned off by now. He is supposed to reach back here by tomorrow morning. Well, bad times seems to be following each one of us. Hope all these things go off soon, and we can all get back to the good times that we were in earlier.

A Movie And A Few Questions

Finally there was one weekend where something happened. Contrary to what was happening over the past few weekends, this weekend had some action. Jeez, that was one welcome change in my life. :-) There were all the trends of it being yet another dull weekend, especially with AR busy with some office work which he was doing from home and MS having gone to his native place. And my love would have been having a blast with his friends in the getto that he was planning over the weekend. Didn't want to get him away from his friends, hence made a conscious effort not to call him, even though there was a huge urge from within me to do that. Things were just moving along at a snail's pace, and I felt lost - lost in hell.

But everything changed, come Saturday evening. Out of nowhere AJ go this huge urge for going to the church and do a confession. I decided to accompany him to the church where he goes. This was my first visit to that church; and it was an impressive church I should say. They say you get the first three things that you pray in a church that you are going for the first time. Well, needless to say, my love was one of them. These days every time I pray, he comes into my mind. I had never thought even in my wildest dreams that someone can become so important in my life. It has become almost impossible to spend even an hour without thinking about him. Will my prayers get answered? I hope so - and I desperately want it to be so. They say, God gives you everything that you pray for. I have to put by belief in that, and hope that God indeed answers my prayers.

In the night,me, AR and AJ decided to go for a movie - Life in a Metro. I thoroughly enjoyed it, even though it asked a whole lot of questions to me. Am I taking even these movies so seriously? Maybe the state of mind that I am, everything seems to be a question for me. Some of those questions are still haunting me. I don't know if I can express in words, the degree of my love for him. But am I correct in it? I don't know. The only thing I know is that I am madly in for him. Maybe my fate is just to be in the sidelines like this. He belongs to his wife as he puts it - he has been created by God just to keep one of God's best creations - his wife, happy. He is exceedingly happy in the way that he is now; and when he is happy, I feel very happy as well. But is that happiness enough to suppress my feelings for him? I just don't know. Its like being in a complex jigsaw puzzle. I am not able to find a way out of it at all.

But Saturday night gave me a sneak preview of how things would be when people get to know that I am queer. AJ, whom I believe is the easiest to convince upon, gave me enough indicators that having an alternate lifestyle is unacceptable. The discussion was initiated when we bumped upon one of the dialogues in the movie "Life in a Metro", where there is an open question asked by the heroine about her boyfriend being a gay person. AJ in no uncertain terms said to me that he cannot accept this concept of being a gay. And he was very rigid in that. I couldn't argue much on this, as that would open myself out in front of him. Things are getting more and more scary for me. I was harboring thoughts about talking about myself to mummy when I am at home this time. But all of that was thrown out after seeing AJ's response. If a person like AJ is so dead against it, I cant imagine how my parents would react to this. I kept on thinking about this all night, and couldn't sleep.

Sunday was as lazy as it can be. Slept, read and watched TV. No movies on Sunday though. In the evening, we went out for a walk and a bit of a shopping. Back to a new working week after a sound sleep...

Yet Another Weekend

One of those times when there is nothing really special that is happening in life - very monotonous, almost goes on like some programmed thing. There is no excitement around, things look very dull. He has been very busy over the last couple of days. Hence the number of mails are very less. But still I am smarting from that statement of his that he has got some feelings in him for me. Well, ever heard of living in a dream? I am probably in that now. Its getting sweeter. But then, its me. It normally doesn't take too long for a sweet dream to turn sour for me. I am worried about that moment, when things will get shattered and I will be broken into pieces. Till then I want to be living this dream to the fullest. Man, being in love is a beautiful thing to have. There is a zing that you feel in your mind when you are in this state. He was saying that he is having a getto over the weekend. He seems to have a great group of people with whom he absolutely loves being with. Surely they will have a great time over the weekend.

For me the weekend would be the same old thing. Nothing really special all the way. Thought of going for a movie. But as unfortunate as I am, I didn't even get a ticket for that one day in advance. Well, that's the way things generally go for me. MS is leaving for home today. He is going to see his prospective wife over the weekend. Jee, I am really happy for him. Now he is settled. The only one whose things I want to see settle down as soon as possible is that of AR. I hope he also gets his partner soon. AJ is just a kid. I just want to see all of them happy staying far away.

Mummy is kind of asking questions on my marriage. Should I tell her about myself? I don't know. To end this debate once and for all, I would like to say the truth to her. But will she be able accept it? I am really worried about that. Anyway, I am planning to go home sometime this month. I need to think seriously on what I should be doing. Maybe opening up is the best thing for everyone. But is everyone ready to hear the truth? I doubt.