Lonely Life

I was recently talking with someone very close to my heart. During the course of the conversation, he asked me about how my life is going on two occasions, and the response that I had to give was the same. It was the same things that came out as the answers to his questions on both occasions. He was surprised by the answers that I gave him. I myself was surprised at this; because monotonic life has reached a peak in my life. It follows the same old pattern – wake up at 8, do some work, go to office by 10:30, get back from office by 8 in the night, have dinner, do some work till 11 or 12, go to sleep. Nothing other than these happens in my life. It’s the same thing happening again and again on a daily basis. I was taught in the school that “man is a social animal”. I am seeing none of those in my life. It’s fast becoming a life of seclusion and aloofness. In all of that there is a sense of frustration that pops its face up at an alarming frequency in my life. It’s a frustration on a life that can easily be classified as a failure; even after my honest efforts to make it a successful one. It’s a frustration on a life that ceases to fade away despite my efforts to make it a colorful one. I think every person who is faced the prospect of living a dual life has to go through this. My inability to be what I am is without doubt adding to the frustrations. For me every night when I reach back home from office, there is nothing to look forward to. People ask me why I stay back in office late even if I have this facility of working from home. I generally give them some vague answers. But the real answer is that there is nothing that changes irrespective of whether I am at office or at home. There is this cynicism that has started to come into my life. Am I starting to hate my life? Somewhere deep within, I think that is the case.

Long time back, I was watching a television show on one of these religious channels, where the orator was saying something which I felt very valid. He was saying that the amount of success in your life can be gauged by a simple assessment – imagine how many lives would be affected if you die as of now. How many people would be there who would miss you in their lives if you cease to exist? I felt that exercise to be a worthwhile one, and I did it then. I do it every once in a while. Every time, my answer remains almost the same. I find none whose life would change barring my parents; and maybe a couple of friends. That’s how insignificant I am; my life is. Are these signs of depression that’s coming into my life? I think it is. I in fact mentioned about this feeling to one of my friends some time back. His answer was that I am having this problem because I don’t have anyone in my life that I love. His suggestion was for me to get married as soon ass possible to get out of this mess. Little does he know that if I get married, that’s a recipe for absolute disaster, and I don’t want to do it. I am resisting calls from home to get married. I don’t know how long I would be able to resist it all, but will do it as long as it’s possible from my side. In all the resistance that I do, people assume that it’s because of my reluctance to accept responsibility in life. Why it that they are not realizing that there could be something more than that? Why is it that no one seeing my pain? Why is it that even God seems to have given up on me and my prayers?

I am thirty now; and don’t have anyone in my life whom I can call as mine. That in itself is a real cause of worry. There are always moments in your life where you want that special someone to be with you. There are instances in life when you are desperate for that special someone to be there to comfort you, to support you and to help you out of difficult situations. And for me, the want have that special someone in my life is much more now than anytime ever. I want it as badly as anything that I ever wanted in my life. But my apprehensions are stopping me from having it. Is it that difficult to have a love in your life, and to be the love of someone in your life? I have been through some very difficult situations in my life, but never something like this. I am feeling suffocated; irate and choked. How many times would I have looked at my bed and have hoped for someone to be there with me as I go to sleep, whispering a “Good Night” in my ears as my eyes get shut down. How many times would I have wanted to have that someone who would give me a pat on my back and a hug when I am upset, that would take away all my pains. All of these would just continue to remain as just a wish-list.

Am I worrying too much about the future and in that course, I am spoiling my today? Is that the reason for all the frustrations that I seem to have in my life? My life seems to have more questions than answers at this point of time. It’s become a life devoid of any meaning, and is just drifting along directionless. How much do I crave at this point of time to have someone right next to me - give me a warm hug… a tender kiss… and the hearts speak to each other through the eyes comforting me. Unfortunately that’s the thing which is missing in my life – someone who would pick up the pieces for me when I am down and out for the count. Neither do I have the hope that I would get that person. This seems to be a life that would run its course and then fade away to the oblivion. And in all of that, I would end up as a person who never lived a life; but still was alive. How good it would have been if I had not been born?

Uneasy Dinner

I went for a dinner with my team on Friday in a pretty decent restaurant near our place. There were lots of drinks that were flowing during that party. And as the liquor consumption increased, so did the rate at which people started opening themselves out. The fact that I don’t drink helped me out at that stage. I was witness to some of the most candid confessions and expressions. Most of it was just the usual banter; which is better off not listened. Then accidentally the topic of discussion turned to homosexuality. I don’t know why that subject came into picture. I guess it was because of one of my boss’s friend commenting about his son going around with an American girl that as long as he goes around with a girl, he is fine with it. The fact that my boss comes from the San Francisco area in the US meant that he was very much aware of the gays and the homosexual relationships that are prevalent there. And once this subject came into discussion, everyone was more than keen to express themselves. One person said that these people are perverts. Other person quickly quipped with a comment that there are two meanings for the terminology “gay” – one means to be happy; the other means be sick. There were laughter accompanied by every comment that was been passed. Each of them tried to outdo the other in the amount of ridicule that they vented upon the “gays”. With a lot of pain within me, I realized how much of contempt the society had towards the gays in the society. These are highly educated people who have seen the world. If this was the response from a bunch of highly educated set of people; how do we expect an average man to accept this scenario?

In all of these, I was sitting there all alone, with pain within, realizing that my dream of being myself can never happen – at least in my lifespan. It’s a really hurting feeling that you have when you realize that the dual life that you are living is to continue for ever. I sat there helpless. Some can ask me why I didn’t question the views being expressed there; and maybe stand for myself. I was afraid – that’s my plain answer. I was afraid of being exposed; afraid of being ridiculed; afraid of being an outcast among my colleagues. The fact that I was timid left with absolutely very little options. I just had to sit through that entire conversation. As things became too unbearable for me, I tactically intervened and changed the subject to something else. But in that short span of around five minutes, I realized how far in reality is the acceptance of homosexuality in our society. I realized how much rigid are our societal values that gives an emphatic “no” to the very notion of homosexuality. Am I really “sick” as what they said? Its really sad that even after so much advancement in science, we still have these notions about homosexuality. And sadly, I don’t see any change happening in these notions any time soon.

There are policies at my company that acts as safeguards against bias on the basis of sexual orientation. But these rules can be used only with respect to the behavior of people in offices. To make a change in their minds, it requires something more. I don’t have answers to how those changes can come in. But hope that they do come in at some point of time. The least thing that I can hope for is for the homosexuals not to be looked upon as “sick”…

Different... Yet Craving

There are times in life when you wonder how different two individuals can be; and still how could they still remain as friends or have a strong emotional bonding. They will differ in everything that the eyes can meet; but still there would be something of the other that makes them feel very much at ease with each other. Life is a mysterious way with intricate pathways. You never know where life takes you in. The inner articulations of life are much more mysterious than an Agatha Christy detective novel. It’s just full of surprises. That’s why all of us enjoy our lives; isn’t it? Otherwise it would be as monotonous as a robot.

I and my new friend have been trying to get to know each other a bit better these days. Mails, mobile messages and the occasional phone calls have all been happening frequently in the past couple of weeks; as we try to understand each other’s persona a bit better. Its been an interesting process, I should admit – as the process of getting to know someone new is always exciting. Even yesterday night he called me; and we talked for quite some time – so much so that he started to get bored of it I guess. In all of these conversations and interactions, I realized one thing – that we are two individuals at the extremes of life. In almost everything we differ as chalk and cheese. He sounds to be a very methodical, organized guy; whereas I am just the opposite – a chaotic person with absolutely no method in life. He is a person who wakes up early; and goes to sleep early. I am someone who wakes up late, and goes to bed even later. He has interests like listening to the chirping of birds [jeez, he is the first person from whom I heard this; in fact I never knew people can have such an interest], lots of reading, while for me... hmm… I am still searching for something that I can call as my interest. He is a very energetic guy, who believes in an 8:30 to 5:30 office regimen; while more often than not the laidback person that I am, I am not even awake from my bed at 8:30 in the morning. These are just some of the things that we differ in. If I am to list out the entire thing, it would take an eternity to write them all.

Even though there are so many differences between us, I like this person. I mean, I look forward to getting his mails or mobile messages or phone calls or anything, crave for his time, always willing to give my time to him. Time just fly bye when we talk over phone. If we keep on talking like this, our phone bills are going to go over the roof. Probably it’s the curiosity of getting to know someone different is driving this state of mind for me. Whatever be it, I am just enjoying it. It’s an absolute pleasure to have him as a friend, and getting to know him has been like unraveling a mystery. I hope we remain as good friends for a long period of time, because somewhere down deep inside, I feel that I have hit the right chord with him despite all these things that make both of us two different individuals all together. What do they say – “Unlike poles attract…” And in my case, I think it’s true.

I can’t stop myself asking that dreaded question – will all of these new found closeness and attachment fade away once the novelty factor is all gone? When both of us realize that there is nothing much to be explored from each other, and there is nothing new to be seen in each other? I guess that would be the real test. Its easy to be carried away in the initial sway of things; but once the winds have all subsided, and there is no momentum to a relationship to move on its own, that’s when the character of the people involved in the relationship comes in for serious examination. That’s the point of time when there are more questions than answers, and that’s the time when the virtue of going ahead with the relationship comes under questioning. I hope that such a scenario won’t arise in this; as I feel we are two mature enough individuals who clearly know what needs to be done to take things forward. Till that point of time comes, I am more than happy exploring my new friend who ironically is having a special place in my heart.

Hospital Times Again

How many times in life does one want to be somewhere; but circumstances stop him from being there. You end up being neither here nor there. You would end up being physically present somewhere, but mentally you would be at a different place. You would do things with a half-heartedness that would make you look uninterested in whatever you are doing. But still you do things, just for the sake of doing it. Something similar has been happening to me all day today. The person who made me feel what it is to be in love, is going under a surgeon’s knife today. There is nothing left in that relationship between us. But still it pains somewhere within for me when I get to know that he is in problem. These days the frequency of our calls has come down to once a fortnight, and at times even more. Occasional messages are the only things that make us realize that the other person exists. He is happy with his life and family. I can’t say the same thing about my life; but I am sure that I have moved on. I no longer bemoan on his absence in my life… Neither do I wander in thoughts about him. But somewhere within me he is still alive and kicking. There is still that tick within me when something related to him happens. Probably the fact that he made me feel as someone special is the reason behind it. They say it’s very difficult to forget your first love; and from my experience I can say that it’s indeed true. Yesterday night I sent him message wishing him best for the surgery. It’s not a complicated one; but still I am feeling a tad worried.

Things become so complicated when I can’t even go and see him. How am I going to introduce myself to the people present there – as a queer who crushed on him big time?? Or as the person who lived a dream of being in love with their son or husband as the case may be. I don’t want any of those kinds of things happening for him; and hence made a conscious decision to stay away from him. Couple of weeks back, he had invited me for the house-warming of his new house. I couldn’t say no to him; but didn’t go there either hiding behind a few lies, specifically because of these reasons. I don’t know how he felt about it all. Hope that he understood that there was a reason behind me not coming. The same reasons stop me from visiting him at the hospital. He said yesterday that he would call me back once he gets back to normal state. The only other way to get any information is through a common friend of ours. But unfortunately he is having some exams today, and hence nowhere close to the hospital. Hence there are no updates. Hope everything is going fine; and as long as that is the case, I am fine with it. Maybe sometime in the evening I would get the message from him. As far as I know, this surgery is not a major one – so much so that he is to be given only a local anesthesia.

And just as I write this, I get a call from him. The surgery went off well. He is fine now; and back to his senses… :-)

A Happy Rainy Sunday

It’s very peculiar to realize how life takes you places; how like takes you through experiences. There are times when an absolute stranger comes into you life, and then there is a breath of fresh air. There is optimism around; there is an overwhelming feeling of happiness that runs through your entire system. The last night when you went to bed, you might be lamenting at the fact that the life is a tad dull. But the next day when your eyes gets gradually closed, the prayer that goes through your mind would be that the vibrancy that you experience in life now doesn’t fade away soon. Such is the way life goes. One day you are in the heavens; the next day you might find yourself in the deepest ditch on earth. The essence of life for me is to accept both these scenarios with a level headedness that would shame a monk. The emotional overtones that accompany our actions invariably define the level of satisfaction that we have in our lives. More the swing in the emotion-meter; more is the chance that you would be upset and disappointed. That’s probably the reason why all these spiritual leaders try to propagate a life style that’s based on level headedness.

Why am I telling all of these? It’s because I went through one of these mood swings today. It seems there is someone who reads this blog [God save him] [and I admire his patience], and probably can relate well to whatever I write in it. It all started with a comment that saw in my blog from him. I am not sure how he managed to find my obscure blog. These days I have this habit of going through blog sites and commenting on what’s written there. Probably I would have seen his blog, and would have commented on it. My blog doesn’t have too many visitors, and hence when someone puts in his/her comment its very easy for me to see. I saw his comment like that. There were mail ids in the blogs, hence it wasn’t long before communication through mails started. The frequency of mails increased, and my old habit resurfaced again. I started to expect his mails every once in a while. I used to wait for those mails anxiously, and once they came, I used to read them with the interest of a student preparing in the last hour before the exams. I don’t know what I was feeling. Do I have any feelings towards him – definitely not. But still why was I so desperate to proceed with that individual? One of the many things for which I don’t have an answer. Days passed bye, and the mail exchanges continued. One fine day, I saw his phone number in my mailbox. And he asked me to call him back. I have always felt that I am too conservative a person and a bit timid. There was no way I was going to talk to him, or hand over my phone number. I told him about my apprehensions about giving my number to him. I think he understood my views and to his credit, he never asked for it again. Slowly I was getting addicted to his mails. There was something special in whatever he writes. More often than not, they go directly to your heart. I would read the lines he wrote over and over, and there would be a sheepish smile on my face while doing this. I loved all of that. I would get impatient when I don’t see any mails for an extended period of time; and be delighted once I see one. Even a couple of lines were sufficient for me. In between we started to chat as well using one of these messengers [Kudos to the person who found these messengers]. Yesterday again he hinted in one of the mails or chat that he would like to have had a chance to talk with me. Was I being tempted from within to give my number to him? I was confused. Yesterday after the Euro game [and in fact all through that game], I was thinking whether I should give my number to him or not. It’s not an easy thing to be getting into a decision on this for me. I realized that even though I had apprehensions within me, there was an overwhelming push from the “inner voice” to take that step. Before I went to sleep I decided that I am going to give him my number; as I was extremely keen on his friendship; his words. In the course of the past few days, I started to have a level of confidence in him. Everything that he said just kept on increasing my confidence in him.

But now the problem was how to go ahead. As I woke up late in the morning, I was thinking how to convey that to him. The best way seemed to be sending it via sms. So I sent him a message – a vague one I should say asking him to guess who I am. After that I went out on lunch with AR, MS and AJ’s brother. It’s been a long time since we were all together, and it was really feeling good – kind of a reunion. This was a norm on all weekends earlier; but life has taken all of us to places where it’s become really difficult to have all of us together. AJ was not in town, and he was definitely missed. During the lunch, my phone rang; and when I looked at my mobile, I saw his name flashing. Did I skip a beat? MS was sitting opposite to me, and was observing me keenly. He still feels that I have a girl friend that I have tried to hide from him. His suspicious eyes followed me in everything that I did. Was he dishing out that characteristic smile of his from the corner of his – which says he is suspecting something fishy? Probably he was. I realized that it would be dangerous to answer the phone at that point of time. MS is a really sharp guy, and he gets hold of these things very quickly. I answered the phone; and I could sense that the voice at the other end as well had recognized who had sent that message. I told the person at the other end that I was having lunch, and would call him later. All the way through the lunch, my mind was flying in thin air. On every given opportunity I messaged him. Was I starting to behave like a teenager? MS and AR had some shopping to do; but I had something more important to do. By saying that I was tired, I skipped the shopping and headed home. Once I reached home, I called him. And we talked and talked and talked. I didn’t realize the time fly bye. Lots of things came in for discussion; and I was having a real laugh about it all. At 5, I had to go to the church and hence we had to terminate the call. Did I want to hang up that call - definitely not. There seemed to be a whole lot of things to talk about, and I was not getting bored of it. More than anything else, I felt happy about it. Wonder why I hesitated in giving him my number all these days?

I went to my favorite church in Bangalore today with AJ’s brother. I love going there – the ambience is exceptional. Once the mass got over, I asked AJ’s brother if we could walk back rather than travel by an auto. He frowned at me on that, as it was almost 5 kilometers away from the place we stay. I insisted on walking back; and he eventually agreed. Half way through the walk, it started to rain. I love the rains – they are the most romantic of nature’s phenomena. They come down in a way so that they wash away all the sins committed. I asked AJ’s brother if we could continue walking in the rains. He frowned at me the second time; but then agreed. And in that downpour, we started walking back. I could see people staring at us for walking in such heavy rains. That was the last thing to bother me. I was just enjoying the rains; and I felt happy within. Why? Is it just because I talked to this person, whom I knew just through a few mails? I don’t know. But I felt very happy talking with him. I don’t know what he feels about it all; whether he is comfortable with me talking with him. The only thing in my mind is to revel in the happiness that I feel now; because these moments have come very rarely in my life. AJ’s brother summed it all in the end. When we reached home, he asked me – “You seem to be very happy today for a change”. And he was dead right.

Self Appraisal Of Life

I got an email forward from a friend of mine; which had the following line in it.

Life is not made up of great sacrifices and duties…

But made up of simple smiles, kind words and kind acts…

Help others and love others with kind heart

It’s your life; so dream, explore, live, imagine…

Thought it would be a good time to see how all these aspects of life fit in for me. Looks like a self appraisal on my life. Let me see how I weigh in each of these attributes of life...

Dream: Well, this is one aspect in which I would be the best. Because my life just has dreams. It’s a different matter all together that most of them would remain as dreams. I dream about a world around me where I can be what I am; rather than someone whom people want me to be. I dream of a world where my loved ones would love me for who I am rather than what I am. I dream of a world where my loved ones are always around me. I dream of a life which I would spend with someone whom I love, rather than with someone whom my family would thrust upon me in the form of a marriage. I dream of a scenario where I express my love to a person without having the fear of its aftereffects. I dream of nights when there is someone in the bed with me whom I love more than myself, whose face is the last my eyes see before they troop off to sleep. I dream of dawns when the face my love is the one that I see first up. I dream of those beautiful evenings when I and my love would go hand in hand in a beach, openly expressing our love. I dream of those weekends when a tranquil location is the background of me and my love getting to know each other. Sadly, none of these are ever going to happen. Hence as a concept, I have it all. But this will always remain conceptual, and never practical.

Explore: Probably this is one area where I am far off from the acceptable norms in life. My exploration of life is pretty much limited to just imagining things that I could have done; but never have the balls to actually go ahead and do it. That would in a way explain my inability to find the right man for my life, and perhaps enjoy those wonderful moments of life where the overwhelming feeling of being together reaches a crescendo. If I am not willing to explore in life, there is no way I am going to get those things that I want. Life never provides you things in a platter; you need to fight for it. Especially in a closeted world like mine, where anything that I do in this regard is treated by the outside world as something really unacceptable. I know that very well, but do I have the guts to go ahead and explore this? I probably don’t. Why is it that I am not able to do that – multiple reasons I guess – fear of rejection, fear of being exposed, apprehension about getting the right person, worry about the fact that I might find it very difficult to live when I would eventually be forced to get married… etc. But do I want to explore those cherished moments in life – definitely yes; just that I don’t have the guts to do them.

Live: Am I living my life? Or in more specific terms – am I living my life in a way that I want. No is a firm answer here. I am living a dual life in an effort to hide myself from the rest of the world. In doing so, I am missing a whole lot of spice in life that I desperately want. I do things that I don’t want to do. I say things that I don’t want to utter. I have to act every moment of my life except when I am alone. I hate every moment of that. Ridiculously stupid things keep on happening in my life when I have to live a life that’s not mine. For example, I have to comment on girls when I am amongst with my friends; when I am absolutely not keen at doing that. Why is it that I have to do it? All just to make sure that the real I don’t come out to the public view. On many occasions, I think to myself about how I would have responded to things if I were allowed to be myself in life. I would rather have commented on the hunk accompanying the babe, rather than on the babe. My eyes wander on the hunk in the pretext of looking at the babe. Disgusting; but that’s how I am having live my life. I guess a whole lot of people who try to hide themselves from the real world have to endure this. I am just part of the many that go through this on a daily basis. I definitely want this to come to an end, but I am not hopeful about it.

Imagine: All new innovations on earth have come out of imagination. All relationships in life attain a higher level of satisfaction purely from being imaginative in experiencing the relationship. Where do I stand in that? I guess there is no shortage for any imagination in my life, just that there is a problem with the implementation part of things. Just imagination won’t work; you need a means to implement the imagination as well. Unfortunately that’s what is missing in my personal life. I want someone on whom I can shower upon all my love; someone on whom all my imagination can take shape; someone on whom I can die for; someone who would stand by me in thick and thin; someone who would make each and every day the best day of my life; someone whose presence would bring a smile on my face that glows; someone who would feel that the best thing that has happened to him is me; someone who would give me a warm embrace which drives away all my pain; someone whose tender kiss takes me to the heights of solitude; someone who would just look in my eyes, and say with all his heart “I love you”.

After accessing all of these, where do I stand? “Below Expectations” would be the realistic place to be in…

Evading A Question

I have been resisting pointed questions from AR on what he should be doing regarding his apparent move to the US. He wanted to know what I feel about the entire thing. And to get to know that, he had been saying things on this regard so that I respond to it with what I feel he should be doing. I didn’t want something like that to happen, as I myself don’t know what I want from all of this. The fact that this move could well be a so-called “opportunity of a lifetime” as mentioned by many of his friends, made sure that it would be cruel and selfish from my part to think of having him back here. But mine is a heart, not a slate. More often than not, it’s swayed by emotion than logic. If I listen to my heart, I would want him to stay back here, but my head says otherwise. I am utterly confused. Probably this was one of the reasons why I resisted myself to giving him a suggestion. I am not sure if I am doing my duty as a close friend, when I resist myself from giving him an opinion when he wants it. I didn’t want to give an opinion for the sake of looking correct. That was the reason why I didn’t give one. I could sense in the past couple of days that AR was desperate to get something out of me, and would ask me point blank on the first given opportunity.

And that chance came in yesterday night. We decided we would have dinner outside, and we went to a mallu restaurant near our houses. We were talking about everything under the sun as usual – from the traffic in the mornings to the problems in office. After our dinner, while walking back to our homes, he did it. He asked me what I feel he should be doing. Was it unexpected – not really. But still I was taken aback. Many a times in life, when something expected, still uncomfortable happens, for a moment you are completely unaware of how to respond to it. Luckily for me, I regained my composure soon, and my brain started to hatch up an answer that would be “politically correct”. I tried to get as much of time as possible by asking him some irrelevant questions in this regard. In the mean time, my brain worked out a possible answer that I can give him; that would neither be dishonest to my views, nor would appear as if I am standing in between. I told him that this was a decision that he himself had to make, because it’s his career and life; and I don’t want anyone else to be taking a decision for him in this regard. I told him that I was not going to tell him what I feel he should be doing; because he himself should come up with an answer. The look on AR’s face told the story. He was a little perplexed with that answer of mine; but the equation between us is such that he would never question my view. As I reached my house, I was having a feeling a guilt within me, which told that I was not fair to him. But what can I do? I don’t want to give him a wrong answer; nor do I want to give him an answer that would affect a God sent opportunity.

I hope God is seeing all of this. Why is he testing me like this? First it was MS who gradually drifted away from us once he got married; and now he is someone whom you meet once in a while. It took me a great deal of time to the changed situation with MS. At least he is in Bangalore, whereby I get to see him once in a while. And now AR is moving out, that too to a place where chances of meeting up is practically zero. Why does this keep on happening with me? Is God not satisfied enough with the pains that I have to endure? The only person now left is AJ. I don’t know when it would be that God decides to move him away as well; so that I am absolutely alone. The people whom I felt are the closest to my heart are moving away one after the other. I am feeling suffocated in life; I feel there is no virtue to it. There are times when I think to myself – am I destined not to be happy in life? In all the pains that I go through, these were the people whose presence would give me hope, joy, happiness… Now one after the other, they are being moved away from me; so far away that I can’t even hope against hope to have some good times. My life just moves on directionless… emotionless…

The Countdown Begins

When does one remember God? Off course when there is unbearable amount of pain within, and you feel that without some divine intervention, there is no way you can get over the pain. I have been through this in that last three days or so – ever since AR told me that he is relocating to the US. I tried to convince myself that no matter where he is, he will always remain as my AR. But the attachment between us is too close to be influenced by these self-imposed assumptions. Every time I have been at home in the past few days, I have been emotionally down; I don’t know how many times I have cried in these days thinking of him. I am getting dreams while sleeping of saying good bye to him, and I just wake up from my sleep. I try to tell myself that things are just fine; but I never get convinced by it. Today being a Sunday, I decided to go for some divine intervention in my life, in my thoughts. Instead of going to the church that I normally go, I decided to go to a church which is a bit far away from my house, but is a shrine. I have heard from others about the miracles that happen at that church. Hence in pursuit of some inner peace, I went to the church.

The religious places are meant to give a huge amount of peace of mind – wherever it is. I decided to reach the church a little bit early, so that I can have some time to think to myself. I reached the church almost fifteen minutes in advance, and started praying. I have been facing bit of insecurity within for the past few days, and the news of AR moving just accentuated my thoughts of insecurity and helplessness. I felt as if I am slowly moving to a world where I am going to be absolutely lonely. That thought was killing me. When it was six in the evening, the mass started; but my thoughts were still wandering around. I looked at the cross, and couldn’t help myself from asking the question – why I am getting disappointments one after the other in my life. In that crowded church, I felt that I was lonely. Tears started coming out again. To be honest, I didn’t know what to pray as well. Almost as a routine, I am used to praying for us friends to be together for life, safeguarding each other from problems. When I said that today, I felt a pain in my heart. This was a prayer that was not going to materialize. The thoughts of AR going away were hurting me – to a point where my eyes became watery, and I couldn’t see things clearly. I wiped my tears and went back to my prayers. I didn’t know what to pray. For asking something to God, I needed to know what I wanted. That too was completely unaware for me. Off course I knew that whatever AR has got is a gift from the God – an opportunity of a lifetime, a reward given for all his hard work. There was no way I was going to pray to God to take that away from him. At the same time, he moving away is becoming increasingly unbearable. Won’t it be selfish, if I pray for him to stay back? Would it be like hoping for something less good for my personal satisfaction in life? I was confused... I still am… I don’t know what to ask for at this point of time, it’s a very difficult stage in my life, where I don’t find a clear way forward.

As I came out of the church, my phone rang; and it was him – AR. He wanted to go shopping for some groceries, and was asking when I would be available. Any time for you, my heart said. I thoroughly enjoy doing these things with him. We have been doing this together for at least three years now, and it was always fun. These might well be the final few days I might get to do these things with him, and there is no way on earth that I am going to miss all of that. I want to enjoy these final few days the most with him, garner in as much of memories as possible, so that when he is not around me in a few months time, I would be able to call back on these memories; and tell to myself – “Those were the best days of my life…” We did all the grocery purchase for both the houses, cooked food together, ate it at his place. After dinner, I left his place to mine, promising to meet tomorrow, and it had started to drizzle slightly outside. I said to myself as I walked through that drizzle – one more day gone… few more left… before everything changes. I am starting to count down the days. Jeez… How much do I want to put a pause to the days moving along?

Goodbye To My Best Friend

There are always these moments that you dread about in life; hoping that they would never ever come. The very thought of those things happening brings in a bit of shiver in the spine. You hate even to think about such an eventuality. But then, when it comes, it becomes too unbearable to you. It feels as if something is been plucked away from you every time you think about it. If the very thought is so very painful, imagine how difficult it is to accept it when such a situation actually comes up in life. Accepting them, and coping with them may be the essence of what life is. It’s the adversities that every one of us faces in life that makes the life different for each one of us. Otherwise it’s all very same for all of us, isn’t it? Easier to say that with a tinge of philosophy; but when it happens to you, especially when someone very close to you is involved, it becomes even more difficult to handle.

AR came up yesterday and told me that he might well be moving to the US permanently, and that too very soon. After being best of friends for almost over nine years, it was a bit too difficult for me to fathom. It was almost like a bolt from the blue. I didn’t know how to react to it. On the one hand, I was extremely happy for him – that he was getting an opportunity of a life time. On the other hand, I felt scary about a life without him around me. Ever since we came over to Bangalore around four years back, we have been closer to each other than anyone else. In all good and bad times, we stood for each other. I would never forget his face when he came to know that I had to do that tumor removal surgery. He was one of the very few around me who was genuinely caring for me. There were times when I was so busy with work; that I come home very late, he would have prepared dinner for me, waited for some time and then slept. He is one person to whom I share all my tensions at work, and in a few minutes with him, everything seems to be back to normal. His one word of encouragement was more than sufficient for me to get out of the worst of disappointments. We have been together from the University – studied together, worked for some time together, and then stayed together once we came to this unknown city of Bangalore. We had our good and bad times together, shared moments of joy and despair, enjoyed each others successes, and encouraged each other of failures. In all of that, we became the most important persons for each other. Only when you are about to loose something in life, that you realize how much important that thing was in your life. In my own admission, there were times when I took him for granted, when I gave more importance for something else when he wanted me to do something for him. And now when he is about to go far away from me, each of those instances are haunting me. Every time I said “no” to him, looks like big mistakes that I have done. I now realize how much he would have felt hurt when I declined things to him. I am really sorry AR. I have realized the mistakes, all be it too late.

I could see the pain in him when he mentioned it to me. He too was hurt with the thoughts of moving away. But the option in front of him is too tempting to be rejected. Its one of the best things that could happen to him from a career point of view. That’s put him in real confusion. As far as I know him, he would eventually accept that and move out. I left his house soon after dinner, and I was emotionally overwhelmed. As I waked through the streets of Bangalore close to midnight, I felt I was sweating even in that chill... Were tears rolling down my eyes at that point of time? Probably they were. The time being close to midnight made sure that the streets were deserted, and I didn’t have the embarrassment of people seeing me crying. As soon as I got in my house, I started to cry like a baby; after all there was no fear of my ego being hurt by someone seeing me crying in my house. I tried to control my tears, but they were not listening. They were coming down like rains in a monsoon night. There was no way to escape the pain. I realized how much I am going to miss him; how much important he is in my life. It’s extremely difficult to get good friends; and I feel I am exceptionally lucky to have AR as my friend. Well, is he just a friend? I guess not. He is perhaps much more than that. In literary terms, you can call him as a so-called friend, philosopher, guide, shadow, brother… anything. Life without AR is something that I would find very hard to fathom in. All those days when we cooked together, ate together, spent time trying to support each other will remain as the best days of my life. No one can ever be my AR, because he is special. More than anything else, he is one person who has understood me better than anyone else.

With AR going away, depth of my loneliness is going to increase in leaps and bounds. I had always felt that he is one person who would still stand by me if I come out to him. Because, for him I am important, and not what I am. That’s the trait of a true friend. And AR definitely is one of them. I will miss you man. Where ever you are, be happy….

Thoughts During A Traffic Jam

Today my travel to the office was a very long one, because of the normal reason - ridiculously disgusting traffic scenario here. What used to take no more than thirty minutes, took almost a couple of hours. Since I was traveling in a company cab, I was not worried about being late to office. After all I am using company provided commutation. As time went bye, I was slowly drifting myself into thoughts. The person whom I had a huge crush on is getting to his birthday in a couple of days. I couldn’t stop myself from going back a year in time – when there was love in my thoughts, in my deeds!! I remember being anxiously waiting for that particular day to come, the things that I did to make sure that it was a really special one. I had promised him that the next year I would give him a bigger surprise. But one year down the lane, things have all changed. There is no longer that love in the air; nor am I mesmerized by the emotional overtones. The only thing that is there is a realization that I am pretty much alone and whatever I had dreamt of is just a dream – something that would never happen in reality.

It’s clearly time to move on in life; my head says so, while the heart just refuses from me doing it. After all the heart is not a slate that one can just wipe to clean everything. There is a whole lot of emotional baggage that gets accumulated in the heart, which just can’t be wiped off. But what is the way out? I can’t allow myself to be confined in the jails of an emotional attachment; and that too of a relationship that has ceased to exist, and would by no means repeat again. I started looking out for ways to get out of this. Tried many things – from concentrating more on work to spending more time with my friends; from reading to spending time outside. Unfortunately for me, nothing worked. They all provided me some relief for the time being, but I was never really happy for an extended period of time. There were times when even I could realize that my smiles had a shade of sorrow attached. My friends used to say that even if I am present with them physically, mentally I was somewhere else. I used to fight that argument ferociously, even though I knew that what they were saying was completely right. I didn’t want to give an inclination to others that there was something else that was eating my head. Was that my ego or my fear of being exposed that was making me do it? I don’t know. But in all of those emotional battles within, my life just chugged on directionless.

They say – when you are hot, you are hot; and when you are not, you are not. When things are not going your way, almost everything seems to be against you – fate, destiny – everything. Exactly at this time, pressure is mounting on me to get married. I can’t blame them, as it’s the dream of every parent to have their kid get married. But I am different – isn’t it? The sad part is that I can’t come out in front of them saying that I am different. I eagerly read through the coming out stories on the web, by different bloggers, and tried to imagine what would be the reaction at my place if I ever came out. I searched for the remotest chance for them to accept what I am. Every time it ended in the negative. There is no way that my family is to accept that I am different. Most probably they may not even understand what I am saying. Even if they understand, they would never accept it – as for them, this is something unnatural, something against the will of the God, something that is unacceptable. It takes generations for societies to change. And for the society to accept something that for generations was considered as a sin against the will of the God, its like dreaming that the traffic mess in Bangalore goes off as day breaks tomorrow morning.. So I reluctantly gave my consent for them to look for a bride for me. I am absolutely petrified about all of this, but still I said yes to it: not because I agree to it, but because I don’t want to see my parents in pain.

But in all this effort of being the nice guy; or should I say being someone whom others want me to be, am I forgetting that I have a life as well? Don’t I have the right to be happy in life? Questions that come back to haunt me again and again. I have no answers for all of that, because life has taken me to a juncture where its not possible even to expect answers to the tough questions in life. For a moment when I got out of the thoughts, I looked outside – my cab was at almost the same place where it was earlier. I hasn’t moved much – just like my life….

Blogging Rocks!!

These days my mind has been captivated by the writings of a blogger - whose blog I accidentally bumped into in one of those browsing days. The first time I bumped into that blog, I started reading all the posts that he has done. Almost all of them were stories at that stage. On a queer blog more often than not, the only kind of stories that you get to see are variants of porn - depending on what the blogger wants to convey. But this one was different. It had stories that had a realistic touch to it. It was not the usual see-drool-meet-fuck-bye sort of thing. It had a lot more to it; in fact it was anything but the conventional. It had a human touch to it; gave a rare insight to a beautiful mind; spoke in volumes about the pain and agony that is suppressed within the writer. Needless to say, I became fan of that writing style. In no time I completed reading that entire blog of his. It was captivating; and all his stories had a dimension of life attached to it. To my complete surprise, I felt that I am not the only person on earth who thinks the way I do. Here is a stranger who almost is my shadow - the way he think; the way he writes. Its always good to have a company - where ever in life it is; and this was definitely interesting. And then off late, he wrote something other than a story - something about the thought process within for him. Fabulous is the only word that I can use for that piece of work; and any other adjective for that would be a big injustice to what was written.

I thought of bringing this up as yesterday on NDTV's weekend program - "We The People", the discussion was regarding blogging. Some of the big names of the blogging world were in that discussion. Since the European Championship in football and the French Open in tennis were on simultaneously, there was very little that I could listen to in that program. But I feel very strong about my blogging. Its my confession of sorts. I tell what my mind tells, things that I cant tell on the face of others, things that the lips cant utter - as sentences in my blog. Perhaps this assumes a whole lot of significance for me because this forms an integral part of my quest for identifying myself; my Endeavour for self realization. Whatever I say here are the things that my heart weeps about, but I don't have the balls to tell others about. Its been of huge importance for me - because it gives me a means of being what I am; expressing what I feel. There are times when tears were rolling down my cheeks when I wrote something in this blog. There were times when I couldn't complete something that I started to write because I was getting emotionally overwhelmed. There were also times when I felt light hearted once I completed writing something. That's the thing that clings me towards blogging. My anonymity of the internet and the blogging world gives me the freedom to express what I want to without the fear of being identified, vilified or targeted. I can say things that if I had told on someone's face I would have been ridiculed. I can express my sorry through words without the fear of my ego being hurt if someone sees me crying. Those are the things that keeps me engrossed in the blogging world. This is a world where I can correlate very well with like minded people - just like the blogger whom I earlier mentioned. And who knows - I might find a good friend somewhere in the blogging world as well. So blogging rocks!!

There are times when unknowingly you become addicted to someone in the blogging world - you tend to feel that this is someone who is very similar in thoughts to what you are. This new blogger whom I mentioned earlier seems to be someone like that. I try to make an image of how he might be thinking; how he might react to situations. Its sounds like a funny little way to spend time; but more importantly these confessional blogs puts light into the hearts of people whose hearts are forcibly kept in the dark due to the societal pressures; or whatever other reasons. They give an indication to how people face issues; how people do things that they don't want to do, just because they don't want to be perceived as someone by the society. These blogs also shows the hushed cries and suppressed feelings. Its a fascinating thing to have; and whoever found this method - hats off to him, because he has given people like me a medium to express.

Change.. But No Change...

Now that talks of my marriage are going full steam back home, I am trying to see if I can change. A change that would at least make me act straight; and perhaps live a folly life acting straight and living straight. I am trying to fool myself; trying to make myself believe that I am straight. I know its like running away from the hard reality of what I am, but still I am doing this as I am afraid of what the future lies for me once I get married. Its a very scary thought, and it just takes the hell out of me. Call it as preparation, or simply being paranoid, I want to see how my life would shape up acting straight. And needless to say, I find it extremely difficult to be one. I cant stop my instincts. If a hunk walks around, there is no way on earth that my eyes wont follow him. There are times when your heart says one thing, and the head exactly the opposite. This is one such scenario. And at the end of it all, I ask the simple question to myself - is all this worth the effort? The answer is an emphatic "no". I have been made like this; and its extremely difficult to make a change in that aspect. So the frustrations continue.

I was talking with AJ sometime back, on having to loose someone a second time in life. It was with respect to his girl friend. The thing that came into my mind immediately was how difficult it is to find someone whom you can categories as a "true love" and not a "body seeker" amongst queers. And imagine how difficult it would be to loose that particular person the first time, forget loosing him the second time. Only the people who have burnt their hands in a relationship would understand how difficult it is. I am at times appalled at people who take relationships as something trivial; something they can easily get in, and get out of. The terminology of "open relationship" in itself is not comprehendible for me. I believe that's a terminology developed by people who doesn't want to stay committed; and are on the look out for a way to get out of relationships. When people get out of a relationship like throwing away an old shirt, its not on for me. I would rather not enter into a relationship, rather than walk away from it for the simple reason that I am bored of it. That's the most ridiculous of reasons for not going ahead with a relationship. Are these apprehensions the reasons why I am reluctant to get into a relationship? Partly yes I guess. And part of the reason for that I my fear that I may not be able to take it to the full. I might well have to get married at some point of time owing to my family pressures; even if I have absolutely no interests in doing something like that. That's the disadvantage of being a gay in a country like India, where the society is extremely reluctant to anything of that sort. If I get married, I wont be able to do justice to my relationship - either ways. So its better not to get into one, rather than making someone else unhappy about it.

But would I be happy with such an arrangement? Definitely not. But still I would have to make myself happy with living a life that I want; to make sure that the loved ones for me are happy. The pursuit of happiness achieves a new dimension when you sacrifice your happiness for the happiness of the others. And that's when your life becomes worthy of itself. Otherwise, what's the difference between the life of an animal and mine??

Happy Dreams.. Sad Realities..

There are times when you look at a mirror and ask that all important question in life - "who are you"? When you start looking at yourself in third person, things become really interesting. When all those uncomfortable questions are asked, you invariably get answers that you wouldn't have got had you been contemplating on them. On one of those experiments, I asked myself a question - "what do I want in life?" Its a difficult question for me; given my circumstances; but I made a genuine effort to identify what is it that I want in life. Is it money? Is it professional excellence? Is it fame? I pondered on all possible answers that I could have given to that question; and came up with two things that I desperately need in life at this point of time - a bit of happiness and a bit of love from that special person. In a way they are inter related. When you have that special one in your life, happiness and love is bound to be there. That's why I feel that one has to be really lucky to have that special one in life. At the end of the day, no matter how much you make money, no matter how much you rise professionally, no matter how much you accomplish in life, if you are not able to enjoy them with that special one, it makes absolutely no sense at all to have them all. I feel that is the reason why civilizations have taken up the institution of marriage from time immemorial. But what happens to the people who are queer? How do they attain that happiness in life? And especially in a society that considers them absolutely alien? Would it have been so nice if I could go and stand in front of my parents and say that I am queer? Would it have been so good if I could express myself in front of others? Would it have been so great if I didn't have to live such a closeted life? They are all a scenario that exists in an ideal world. the practical world is far far away from the picture given by the ideal world - its a world driven by prejudice and pre-conceived notions. Its a world that considers anything that deviates from the normal as unnatural. So I guess an "unnatural" like me doesn't deserve the right to be happy, or have that someone special in life.

Things are moving at a much faster pace than what I had expected. The pressure to get married is getting intense day by day. Yesterday evening as well when my mom called, the only thing that she wanted to talk about was my marriage. As usual I started telling all the lies for me not to get married - from pressures at work to not having leaves and God knows what else. I have been going through an emotional low these days; and soon after the call got over, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I had no control on them, as they just kept on coming. I don't know why I cried; perhaps its all those frustrations that had been getting accumulated coming out. Even though I am really longing to see my parents, I am resisting myself from going to my native place; as I know that if I go there, there would be that talk of me getting married. I want to avoid that. Its fine telling all those lies on the phone, but its an all different story if I have to tell them on the face. I wont be able to do that. One of the things that gives me immense amount of happiness is while I am with my parents. Because of what I am, I am having to do away with that bit of happiness as well. I don't know what further sacrifices I would have to do for hiding myself. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I am starting to hate myself - in fact I am hating myself to an extend that I don't have any compassion to myself. Why should there be any sympathy or empathy to anyone who is living a life based on lies?

Coming back to the question that I asked myself - I want someone to be there in my life. I want someone in whom I can see my happiness multiply; someone who helps me diminish the disappointments; someone whom I can think of with a smile on my face and a beat in my heart; someone whom I call call mine; someone who can call me his... Quite unfortunate that they will just remain as dreams; as we all live in a practical world rather than in an ideal one. Its just dreams that I have about life. How nice it would be if there was someone in my life whose face is the first thing that I see every morning, and the last thing I see every night; his persona would be the image that comes into my mind every moment; his voice would be the one that my ears wait all day to hear; his face would be the one that my eyes will dream.. Sadly though, none of it is happening.. They just remain to be there in my dreams of an ideal world filled with happiness..