The Anxiety Builds Up

Yet again I am at my native place on some sort of a vacation. But this time my visit is not similar to the ones that I had before. This time it could well be a trip that’s make or break. I am here with the intention of talking about the biggest secret of my life to at least my mom – provided I can muster up enough courage. Its horribly difficult to get that courage. When I started from Bangalore, I had told myself that I am gonna tell for sure. I would have rehearsed on how to tell a hundred times in my mind; each and every line. I prepared myself with the justifications that I would have to give for myself when I talk about this to my mom. I recollected all those articles that I had read about coming out. And in a way I made myself to believe that I have enough courage to spill out that biggest secret of my life. There was that fear within me on what would happen when I open myself up. But I tried to console myself saying that I would be strong and my love for my family would help me pull through this ordeal. With those thoughts I sent into sleep.

A new dawn was up, and I felt distressed. As my bus approached my town, I realized with an alarm within me that I was loosing the courage that I had mustered over the past few days. How dear would I have liked to mention these things to AJ first before I tell it at my home? My apprehensions about the acceptability from him stopped me from opening out to him. Now I have been pushed into a corner – proposals for my marriage are coming thick and fast; even though I have been successful in diverting all of them so far. But success can’t be guaranteed for ever in this aspect of life. More over there is my younger brother, who is in a stable relationship. Wouldn’t I be coming in the way of his life and happiness if I float around like this. I tried convincing my mom a few months back on getting by brother married before me; but the response that I got made sure that she was not buying that argument. That pushed me into a real corner… I was running out of time; and a decision had to be made. There was no way I would stand in the way of his life and his happiness. And when you are pushed to a corner like this, you have only one way forward – so reveal the reality. And hence decided to come out – at least to my mom. To make matters worse for me, there are a few relatives coming in today… I am not sure how long they would be here. And as long as they are here, I wont get enough time to talk to my mom.

One day has gone bye. I have not mustered enough strength to open myself in front of my mom. As a matter of fact, I feel within myself that I am loosing the strength that I thought I had. Its extremely difficult – going through this. Its as if you are pulled in different directions – in all possible dimensions emotionally. I don’t know if I would be able to pull through this; do what I had planned to do. I really hope that I would be able to get trough this; and be able to talk to my mom about this. I don’t know how she would react to all of this; in a way I am prepared to take in anything. The only thing that worries me is how she would take this. I just hope that there is as minimal pain as possible for her when I say this. I know that is wishful thinking; but I am hoping against hope at this point of time…