Fear At its Worst

Last couple of days have been very tense for me. And strange enough, it had nothing to do with my work. Forgot when was the last time I told something like that. It was my problematic knee that was was the reason behind the worry. It started swelling all of a sudden from Sunday, and by Monday the pain was becoming absolutely unbearable. Hence decided to go and see a doctor. Told him about my state, and he was worried as well - maybe slightly tense is the word I should be using. He was adamant that I should go and see the doctor without any delay. He found the the name of one good doctor from one of his friends, and I set about limping to the hospital on Monday evening. The doctor whom he suggested was not present that day, and I had to see some other doctor. When someone gets a swollen knee without any injuries, falls and accidents, its a cause for worry. The doctor also was confused for the reason why I am in such a state. A whole lot of blood tests followed to see if I had any arthritis problems, and I was asked to come back on Tuesday.

Ever since I left the hospital on Monday evening, I was tense.. For the first time I was scared. The reaction and the puzzled look on the doctor's face made me very nervous. I was not able to do anything. I tried to sleep, but couldn't. I tried to walk around, but was nervous again. I kept on thinking what I would do if things are really bad. A whole range of thoughts came storming into my mind, and I was confused - confused to the core. He called me some time in the night. But for the first time, even his voice was not good enough to ease me.Finally I forced myself into the bed, trying to sleep - all in vain. Towards the end of it all, I started telling myself that I would take in whatever that might come.

All of Tuesday in office I was tense. He was sending me mails every once in a while, but that was no way helping me to ease my tensions. I was just waiting for time to come for me to go and see the doctor. It was getting into hugely frustrating proportions. And eventually I got to see him. To my greatest relief, all my blood tests came negative. But then the question came up from where is the swelling coming from. He asked for an X-ray, and that's where things started to come out. It seems that there is a growth in my knees. The doctor asked me to do a scan as well, before he comes to a conclusion. If his theory is correct, I would have to do a surgery. Umm.. that's something that I definitely don't want to do. I am so scared of that. I have been asked to see the doctor again on Friday, to decide on what needs to be done. He says that surgery shouldn't be an issue and I shouldn't worry about it. But somehow I am dead afraid.

So that takes me back to square one. Things are as unclear as it was earlier. What will I do if I am do undergo a surgery? What about my work? I don't know.. All these have left me now with more questions than answers.... :-(