Lonely Life

I was recently talking with someone very close to my heart. During the course of the conversation, he asked me about how my life is going on two occasions, and the response that I had to give was the same. It was the same things that came out as the answers to his questions on both occasions. He was surprised by the answers that I gave him. I myself was surprised at this; because monotonic life has reached a peak in my life. It follows the same old pattern – wake up at 8, do some work, go to office by 10:30, get back from office by 8 in the night, have dinner, do some work till 11 or 12, go to sleep. Nothing other than these happens in my life. It’s the same thing happening again and again on a daily basis. I was taught in the school that “man is a social animal”. I am seeing none of those in my life. It’s fast becoming a life of seclusion and aloofness. In all of that there is a sense of frustration that pops its face up at an alarming frequency in my life. It’s a frustration on a life that can easily be classified as a failure; even after my honest efforts to make it a successful one. It’s a frustration on a life that ceases to fade away despite my efforts to make it a colorful one. I think every person who is faced the prospect of living a dual life has to go through this. My inability to be what I am is without doubt adding to the frustrations. For me every night when I reach back home from office, there is nothing to look forward to. People ask me why I stay back in office late even if I have this facility of working from home. I generally give them some vague answers. But the real answer is that there is nothing that changes irrespective of whether I am at office or at home. There is this cynicism that has started to come into my life. Am I starting to hate my life? Somewhere deep within, I think that is the case.

Long time back, I was watching a television show on one of these religious channels, where the orator was saying something which I felt very valid. He was saying that the amount of success in your life can be gauged by a simple assessment – imagine how many lives would be affected if you die as of now. How many people would be there who would miss you in their lives if you cease to exist? I felt that exercise to be a worthwhile one, and I did it then. I do it every once in a while. Every time, my answer remains almost the same. I find none whose life would change barring my parents; and maybe a couple of friends. That’s how insignificant I am; my life is. Are these signs of depression that’s coming into my life? I think it is. I in fact mentioned about this feeling to one of my friends some time back. His answer was that I am having this problem because I don’t have anyone in my life that I love. His suggestion was for me to get married as soon ass possible to get out of this mess. Little does he know that if I get married, that’s a recipe for absolute disaster, and I don’t want to do it. I am resisting calls from home to get married. I don’t know how long I would be able to resist it all, but will do it as long as it’s possible from my side. In all the resistance that I do, people assume that it’s because of my reluctance to accept responsibility in life. Why it that they are not realizing that there could be something more than that? Why is it that no one seeing my pain? Why is it that even God seems to have given up on me and my prayers?

I am thirty now; and don’t have anyone in my life whom I can call as mine. That in itself is a real cause of worry. There are always moments in your life where you want that special someone to be with you. There are instances in life when you are desperate for that special someone to be there to comfort you, to support you and to help you out of difficult situations. And for me, the want have that special someone in my life is much more now than anytime ever. I want it as badly as anything that I ever wanted in my life. But my apprehensions are stopping me from having it. Is it that difficult to have a love in your life, and to be the love of someone in your life? I have been through some very difficult situations in my life, but never something like this. I am feeling suffocated; irate and choked. How many times would I have looked at my bed and have hoped for someone to be there with me as I go to sleep, whispering a “Good Night” in my ears as my eyes get shut down. How many times would I have wanted to have that someone who would give me a pat on my back and a hug when I am upset, that would take away all my pains. All of these would just continue to remain as just a wish-list.

Am I worrying too much about the future and in that course, I am spoiling my today? Is that the reason for all the frustrations that I seem to have in my life? My life seems to have more questions than answers at this point of time. It’s become a life devoid of any meaning, and is just drifting along directionless. How much do I crave at this point of time to have someone right next to me - give me a warm hug… a tender kiss… and the hearts speak to each other through the eyes comforting me. Unfortunately that’s the thing which is missing in my life – someone who would pick up the pieces for me when I am down and out for the count. Neither do I have the hope that I would get that person. This seems to be a life that would run its course and then fade away to the oblivion. And in all of that, I would end up as a person who never lived a life; but still was alive. How good it would have been if I had not been born?