Crossroads in Life

I am feeling very much drained out - in every sense of the word. Things are getting very hectic at office. Add to that all the emotional baggage that I am carrying forward. Things have changed a whole lot in the past few days. He very clearly said to me that he doesn't want a relationship in the lines of what I was hoping for. That almost completely has destroyed that beautiful dream in which I was living in. I have been brought down crashing into the harsh real world. I feel as if there is now a big vacuum in my life. Its like a balloon that gets burst out all of a sudden, and the only thing that remains with you are a pieces of rubber which is completely useless. Though I agreed to him that I wont look at him from the point of view of a relationship, its getting almost impossible for me to get out of. After all a human mind is not like a switch which you can turn on and off. At least mine is not. Its a suffocating feeling. Why is it that happiness is not at all coming my way? Or is it that I don't deserve good things in life. I don't know..

I find myself in the crossroads of my life - a stage where everything looks so bleak. The situation that I find myself in forces me to look at life in the most cynical way possible. No matter how pragmatic a person is, rejection always hurts. When he said he doesn't want to look at me from the point of view of relationship, it was as if something went through my heart. It felt like earth moving from under my feet. When all the dreams fall into tatters right in front of your eyes, the grief that accompanies it is not something that you can put in words. I don't know what state of mind I was in at that point of time. Its been four or five days since this happened, and even now I haven't got out of it.. Not sure if I will ever get out of it either..

Now that leads to the question what about me and my relations with him. Is it ever possible for me to look at him in a different way? I guess never. Its so very difficult to forget your first love. He is my first love.. and probably my last love as well. I don't think someone else will ever occupy his space in my mind. Tough decisions on my life has to be taken. I have decided to open up to my parents.. tell them what I am, and the reasons why I wont go ahead and do a marriage. Then what? That's the question that haunts me a lot as well. I believe in destiny. If destiny says and the God wants it that way, I will definitely get him some day or the other. If not, I would like to believe that my destiny doesn't have him written for me.. But I will wait.. As long as there is life in my body, I'll wait. I don't think its possible for me to se anyone else in his place.. He is there in my mind for ever, and that would probably go away only with my death... whenever it may happen.. Just one question to God.. Is there no happiness that's destined for me??