A Movie And A Few Questions

Finally there was one weekend where something happened. Contrary to what was happening over the past few weekends, this weekend had some action. Jeez, that was one welcome change in my life. :-) There were all the trends of it being yet another dull weekend, especially with AR busy with some office work which he was doing from home and MS having gone to his native place. And my love would have been having a blast with his friends in the getto that he was planning over the weekend. Didn't want to get him away from his friends, hence made a conscious effort not to call him, even though there was a huge urge from within me to do that. Things were just moving along at a snail's pace, and I felt lost - lost in hell.

But everything changed, come Saturday evening. Out of nowhere AJ go this huge urge for going to the church and do a confession. I decided to accompany him to the church where he goes. This was my first visit to that church; and it was an impressive church I should say. They say you get the first three things that you pray in a church that you are going for the first time. Well, needless to say, my love was one of them. These days every time I pray, he comes into my mind. I had never thought even in my wildest dreams that someone can become so important in my life. It has become almost impossible to spend even an hour without thinking about him. Will my prayers get answered? I hope so - and I desperately want it to be so. They say, God gives you everything that you pray for. I have to put by belief in that, and hope that God indeed answers my prayers.

In the night,me, AR and AJ decided to go for a movie - Life in a Metro. I thoroughly enjoyed it, even though it asked a whole lot of questions to me. Am I taking even these movies so seriously? Maybe the state of mind that I am, everything seems to be a question for me. Some of those questions are still haunting me. I don't know if I can express in words, the degree of my love for him. But am I correct in it? I don't know. The only thing I know is that I am madly in for him. Maybe my fate is just to be in the sidelines like this. He belongs to his wife as he puts it - he has been created by God just to keep one of God's best creations - his wife, happy. He is exceedingly happy in the way that he is now; and when he is happy, I feel very happy as well. But is that happiness enough to suppress my feelings for him? I just don't know. Its like being in a complex jigsaw puzzle. I am not able to find a way out of it at all.

But Saturday night gave me a sneak preview of how things would be when people get to know that I am queer. AJ, whom I believe is the easiest to convince upon, gave me enough indicators that having an alternate lifestyle is unacceptable. The discussion was initiated when we bumped upon one of the dialogues in the movie "Life in a Metro", where there is an open question asked by the heroine about her boyfriend being a gay person. AJ in no uncertain terms said to me that he cannot accept this concept of being a gay. And he was very rigid in that. I couldn't argue much on this, as that would open myself out in front of him. Things are getting more and more scary for me. I was harboring thoughts about talking about myself to mummy when I am at home this time. But all of that was thrown out after seeing AJ's response. If a person like AJ is so dead against it, I cant imagine how my parents would react to this. I kept on thinking about this all night, and couldn't sleep.

Sunday was as lazy as it can be. Slept, read and watched TV. No movies on Sunday though. In the evening, we went out for a walk and a bit of a shopping. Back to a new working week after a sound sleep...