Confessions Of A Distressed Mind

Yeah.. I am in a mood to keep on writing. That would in a way indicate that the mood is sober within me. As I approach the date marking yet another year pass bye in my life, I cant stop myself from looking at where I stand in life. Life looks so empty when you have to do things that you really don't want to do. There are times when one values someone in your life - someone whom you can call as your own; someone whom you would love with the whole of your heart; someone whom you can be just you without any apprehensions; someone whose smile can take away all your worries; someone who can share your pain reducing them to nothing; someone who can enjoy your success multiplying them to thousands. Probably marriage is an institution that provides you with someone like that. But what happens for someone like me; for whom marriage would be nothing less than a catastrophe - a complete mess up of lives of two individuals. I wanted to talk about the real me to my parents and to my friends; but never had the guts to tell them all. For my own satisfaction, I am confessing myself in this virtual world.

To be a queer is one of the hardest things in life. When equations of relationship and love with your dear and near comes up, it makes for an absolute mess. How nice would it have been if my parents were to accept what I am; and not force me into a marriage. The fact that such a scenario is never possible in my life makes my life nothing but miserable. To maintain the relationships, I have live a dual life; even if that means wedding for life to agony and disappointment. Maybe I am destined to be like that. God, why did you make me like this; and gave me a life that is devoid of happiness. Why did you take away my chance to be happy? Why did you destine me to be a lonely soul? Daily after office, when I get to my house, why is it that I enter into loneliness rather than happiness? Why is it that I don't get to have someone in my life whom I would call as my own? Why is it that I have been put into a situation where I might well have to live a life that I don't want to have? Why is it that I am having to live a life of lies? A whole host of questions, but I guess God would have seen something because of which I have ended up the way I am, and am having to live a life which I am living.

Right now I am listening to a Hindi song, whose first lines if I translate would be something like
Life gave me just sorrow throughout my life..
Whatever seasons came, were all seasons of sober..
How apt are those lines for my life? Maybe its a song that's written just for me. Indeed my life just gave me sorrow. On the face of it I am happy; reasonably good job; good family; exceptional friends. But below all of that, there is a barrage of sorrow that wipes me off my feet. I am becoming very weak emotionally. I feel as if I can crumble any moment. All the excitement in my life has long but vanished. And the only thing that remains is abject boredom. As my birthday approaches, I am asking myself a question - where am I headed to in life? Is this a life that gives nothing but disappointment.

To my parents and friends who care for me, this is something that I cant say to you on your face - "I am really sorry for telling all those lies about myself and me not having interest in getting married. I had to live myself in a heap of lies as I don't know how you would be reacting to all of that. I know you will never accept me the way I am; as you perceive them as clearly unacceptable. You are so very precious for me to be missed out. And when given a choice between remaining in a hidden world and loosing you, I will any day take remaining in the closet. If at some point of time you felt that I have let you down, I am really sorry. For me you are amongst the most important people around me, and will always remain that way."

As I am about to complete yet another year of what I can describe as a failure, I look back and ask to myself one simple question - "Is there anything bright looking at my life? Is there anyone for whom my presence makes a big difference?" Unfortunately for both these questions, I answer is a pitiful NO.