Retrospection

These days there is someone around me who insists on me thinking positive in life. He feels that my problems would just fade away if I started being less negative in life. Well worth a thought I guess - especially when someone insists so strongly on something. And that prompted me to get into the chain reaction of thoughts. Why is it that I have a sense of negativity attached to me? This time it was VM who who told this. A few days earlier, it was AJ who told me the same thing - that I am very negative in my outlook; that I always tend to go the negative way when anything is mentioned. If many people say the same thing about me, I should really be giving it a serious thought. Am I in love with negativity? One of the many questions that lie unanswered within me.

Why do I think negative in life? After a lot of thought, I got the feel that I am not becoming negative by choice; but rather by circumstance. When life gives you disappointments continuously one after the other, there is no way someone can be bullish about life. I cant be gung-ho about things unless there is a genuine feel within me which says that it indeed is the case. When every piece of your body and mind is weeping, there is no way the lips can smile. If anyone can do that, I would say he is an exceptional creation by God. When there is sadness around, how can one be positive and full of energy? When there is disappointment and despair around, how can one be smiling from heart? When there is loneliness around, how can one be jumping around as if he is the happiest on earth? At least I cant do that. As they say, one can fool the entire world; but there is no way on earth that he can fool himself. The least one should be faithful to is to oneself. I try to act quite a bit in front of others, try to smile when there is a gutted feeling within, try to laugh when my entire system wants me to cry - just for the sake of showing to others that I am all fine. But what is the point? What is it that I achieve by showing myself as someone else in front of others? Nothing I guess.

This loneliness in life is killing me. Life has become very monotonous. Its just curtailed to work and work from home. I am desperately in need of love; and with it a bit of life. My mind craves for that; but my brain stops me from doing so since my pursuit of happiness would hurt a whole lot of people whom I love and whom I care about. Its very weird - this life of mine. Neither am I happy living it, nor are other happy seeing me live this way. There are times when I would go to sleep thinking why is it that the society around me cant accept me the way I am. Why is it that I don't have the freedom of living my life. Probably the constraints of having to live in a society like ours. I don't have the tenacity to fight against the society for the way it looks at a lifestyle that I would like to have. The society brands it as unnatural. I clearly understand that a society that has evolved over thousands of years cant change its outlook overnight. But with a society that's very intolerant to everything that it perceives as wrong, I have nothing but the lightest of hope. The audacity of hope - that's the thing that drives me on in this life of distress and frustration. There is that hope and dream - that one day I might well be in a situation where I might be able to live my life without being haunted by the society.

I just cant stop myself from going back by an year in my life. This time last year, I was living a dream. Or should I say - I was living in a dream land. I was feeling for the first time what it was to be in love. Its a different story that it was a relationship that was never going to work out; a relationship that would exist only in dreams. But still I enjoyed every bit of it. Even while I knew that it was never going to work out, I dared to dream about it. I used to wander in my thoughts around him; dream about things that used to give me happiness; anticipate things from him that would take me to heights of happiness; plan about things that would make him excited. But one year down the lane, things have all changed. I am again a lonely soul, someone who still craves for a bit of love, someone who dreams about a bit of spice in life. Its a lost cause - this life; something that I have forgotten to live for myself, and while trying to live it for others, I have forgotten what I am.. who I am.. why I am..