Its My Birthday - And I Am Celebrating It Alone

Its that time of the year again - when I look back at how my last year was..
Its that time of the year again - when I look forward to how the next year would be..
Its that time of the year again - when I evaluate all the things that changed in the last year..
Its that time of the year again - when I speculate to myself if anything would be different in the next year..
Its that time of the year again - when I think of things that I would have done differently..
Its that time of the year again - my birthday, which happens on this day.

Yeah - its my birthday today. Yet another year passes bye in my life. There is no longer that thrill in life; there is no longer that excitement; nor is there that optimism. Its more or less that same old routine - work sleep work... Couple of my close friends called me up in the midnight to wish me; and my parents called me up in the morning to wish as well. But did I sense happiness of the day in their voice; or did I sense a feeling of hurt in their voice? They have all reasons to be hurt. Their son is fooling around when it comes to getting married; whereas all the others of his age have got married. Its an all indifferent a topic for me, as I am the only one who knows the pain involved when I tell them one lie after another to not get married. Hope God upstairs would understand the dilemma that I am having to go through.

On the occasion of my birthday today, I thought it would be a worthwhile exercise to have a flashback on what were the things that happened in my life in the last year. To be honest, last year was good - a job change that changed the financial aspect as well as the satisfaction index in the positive direction, a relationship though it failed to bloom gave me to feel what it was to be in love, reasonably stable situation back home, no problems with my friends.. All in all it was good. The one regret that I would have at this point of time would be that I am still to get into an active relationship. My body and mind craves for one; but am dead afraid of the consequences. Hence that emotional satisfaction which everyone craves for in life is not there as yet. I don't have any hopes of that happening any time soon either. I am trying to find happiness in things that I do; but happiness just runs away from me like a mirage in a desert. The closer I feel I am to it, the farther it goes away. Very tricky indeed. Is it that all my enthusiasm about perusing happiness fading away? Have I gone into a state of mind where I have accepted that happiness and me would never ever travel in the same boat? Scary thoughts.. But I guess I am very close to reaching that state of mind in life.

As this day is coming close, I have one regret.. My previous crush didn't even remember about my birthday. Has he become so busy in life that I have become absolutely irrelevant for him. I don't know how many times I would have looked into my phone hoping that a message from him would have come. How many times I would have hoped of seeing his name on the phone when my mobile rang? Nothing of that sort happened. I guess he has clearly moved on - and perhaps doesn't want my shadow on his life. Can fault him either. But why am I so worried about that? All these days I was trying to tell myself that it was a relationship that's completely over. But I guess its just an effort from me to convince myself. But deep inside, I think, I still love him.. crave for his attention.. hopes for his time. Those are things that would never happen, but still for some reason or the other, my mind is still dreaming.

One thing I realized in this birthday. I am pretty much lonely here. Apart from my parents and a couple of friends no one even thought I was relevant enough to remember my birthday. Its a sad realization; but something that I would have to accept. And probably live with it for the rest of my life. And so when almost everyone in this world forgot that its my birthday today, I cant do nothing else other than sing to myself "Happy Birthday to you.. Happy Birthday to you.." No cakes.. No candles.. No hugs.. No wishes.. No birthday bums.. Just me and my loneliness... celebrating what's a really a remorseful day.