A Phone Call And More Frustrations
A phone call can change a whole lot of things. Today something similar happened with me. All these days, with AJ going, my mind was pre-occupied with that. But some time in the afternoon, my mom called me, spoke me about things that added to the problems that I am facing – as if there was any shortage in the number of problems that I have to face. The issue was the same old thing – marriage. Their concerns are valid – when their son is running away from marriage even when he has touched thirty years of his existence; and with his younger cousins almost getting married; its reason for worry for them. She was telling me about a marriage proposal that has come to me. My response was the usual one – cold shrugging answers which had “uninterested” written all over it. Then it was time for the emotional lines to flow from the other end of the phone. This is the thing that creates the most trouble for me. It’s as if I am becoming the reason for the sorrow of my mom; which for me is very much unacceptable.
I really don’t have a solution to this problem. I have been running away from marriage for long; and I can sense the frustration building up in my parents because of my entire approach. Time is fast approaching for me to choose between the two decisions that I would have to take – either live a dual life where I act perfectly straight for the rest of my life; or to open up to my parents on what I am. The chances of the second option working out for me are almost next to zero – as I am absolutely certain that my parents would never be able to accept it. Forget my parents, even by best buddies won’t accept that secretive part in me. Am I ready to live a life of isolation? These are things that I would have to keep in my mind when I take any decision on my future.
At times it’s really frustrating when you realize that your future doesn’t lie in your hands. Its driven by a whole lot of other things that are completely out of your control. If I was living in an open society – where I had the choice of living my life the way I felt is the best for me, I would have come out by now. I would probably have had a partner as well by this time. But sadly, that is not the case. We live in a society that still looks at being queer as a perfectly unacceptable entity. We adjust… adjust… and further adjust… until we realize that we are no longer what we are. We have simply become actors in a movie where the so-called societal laws are the directors of the movie. What is the purpose of claiming that we are independent, when a basic choice of sexuality is not open for us…?
3 comments:
I suggest you to take the second option. Even if you are left alone, at least you will not be living a lie for the rest of your life.
You might want to check this link out.
I can so empathize with you. I won't tell you what to do cos I cannot fathom your circumstances, but I am in a similar situation. The question of my marriage hasn't come up yet (thankfully) cos I am still 24 (though I must admit, I look like 44..hehe), but when it does, I am gonna tell my parents.
The only thing that keeps me from marriage is not the fact that I wont be able to satisfy a woman (hell, I am bi), but the fact that I would be fooling her. I would just be screwing up her life as well as mine (as if mine is not screwed up already..haha).
And believe me, am sure your parents would understand. I recently came out to a (previously) homophobic friend of mine. But now he is perfectly fine with it. He teases me all the time, but it is good humour. The first time I told him, he was shocked. I expected a fuck-off kinda knee-jerk reaction. But I was touched when he later on sent me an email and send - rebel, I felt so guilty I could not hug you before leaving (obv, in a friendly way). People might be homophobes, but if they know the person that you are and they love you cos of that, sexuality becomes a teenie-meenie thing.
So cheer up and do what your heart says. Keep a clear conscience - thats all that matters. :)
Ok...enough of preaching and my fingers are aching with all this typing...so I am doing my vanish act now. :D
lots of grammatical and spelling mistakes in my comment...plz ignore...;-)
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