After a Month

Well, just can’t believe that I didn’t write anything for well over a month. Work had been to hectic for me these days; and in all of that I couldn’t find some time for blogging. Has life changed in the last month or so when I was away from my confession room – I guess not. It’s been the same old things happening. The fixed routine that I have been following seems to follow without any change. At times, I wonder at myself – am I a robot working according to some pre planned instructions. There in nothing that distinguishes one day of mine with the next. Alarmingly it seems to follow the same predefined path.

On one of these days, I got hold of a very old friend of mine online – on chat. We might not have met/talked for almost three of four years now. Hence it was a surprise seeing him after a long time. After the initial pleasantries were done with, and our personal statuses updated in our minds, I was wondering what was there to talk to him. It’s very difficult to have a conversation running along for me; unless the person at the other end is of the same wavelength as mine. And with a striking contrast, if my wavelength matches with the person at the other end, I can keep on talking for any length of time. Some of my friends would vouch on how much talkative I am. Well, I never felt that this person was having the same wavelength as mine. He was just another acquaintance for me; nothing more. During the chat I realized that he is now no longer in India, has been overseas for some assignment for almost a couple of years. Jeez, how quickly does time run away? He wants to come back, but the project assignments stop him from doing so. While I was still confused about whether to continue this chat or not, he suddenly said something that changed the discussion in a big way. All of a sudden he mentioned about how lonely and worthless he is feeling about his life, started talking about whether all these importance that we allocate to the professional life over our personal lives are actually worth it or not. Well well well… this was definitely matching my wavelength. And so started the discussion. We went on for about a couple of hours on our problems. Both of us opened our hearts out without any inhibitions. I mentioned all the problems that I am going through – especially with AJ and AR moving away, and how worried I am about the vacuum that was going to consume me. He talked about the feeling that has engulfed him about the unworthiness of the life that he is living. I don’t know why I opened myself out to him to that extend; probably the frustrations that were piling up on me were reaching a tipping point, and I just wanted someone to whom I could talk these. But why to him of all people? I seriously don’t know the answer. At times, all questions don’t have answers; and this was definitely one of them.

AJ is busy with his preparations to go overseas. And he seems to be really thrilled about it. I act thrilled in front of him. Sometime in the next one week or so, he will say good bye to me; go far away from me, my life. I dread that moment a lot, but as all dreadful moments that you would want to avoid in your life, this one as well comes at you at a furious pace. I am supposed to go shopping for him tomorrow. Why does destiny make me do this – make me do things that would eventually result in a huge pain for me? I am trying desperately to stay strong through all of these; not to expose what I feel within myself. Ask him about his travel with an interest, where as I get anxiety attacks thinking what would happen once he goes away. But still I try to smile; I try to laugh around – just for the outside world to be fooled. You can fool the entire world; but never would you able to fool yourself. To keep my mind out of the ensuing state of depression, I am trying to be in work for as much of time; get back that old lost habit of mine – reading. But the moment I get a little bit of spare time, the pain comes back to haunt me. Guess I am playing a game of hide-n-seek with the pain that’s all waiting to conquer me…