Picking Up The Peices...

Well, the first week of AJ not being here is done with. It has been difficult; but somehow I have managed to scrape through these days. Slowly, but surely I am making those small steps to get back to my normal life. There are times when difficult memories start to haunt you. But reading has helped me to divert my attention a little bit. And then when it becomes beyond a limit that I can’t handle, I just allow myself to drift in those memories… That’s one thing that I have realized off late; when you get haunted by these memories, it worth a try allowing yourself to be drifted. Maybe it might give you some respite.

I got to talk with AJ on a couple of occasions this week – once over phone and once over a small chat, and he seems to be really happy with his new life there. In fact he seems to love his new environment. Strange is the way life goes… isn’t it?? Here are two individuals separated by miles; one still feels for the other, living in the past; and an another one who has moved on. I wonder what is the best approach in life – move on in life; or to mourn in the memories of the past? Moving on definitely is the more practical of the two; and as usual, the impractical person that I am, I have chosen the second option of living my life. Where is it going to lead me? I really don’t know; and I don’t have an answer to it. I look like someone who is jailed by the past of my life; someone who doesn’t look forward; someone who seems to be content with living alongside miseries. At times I hate myself for exactly these reasons. I am an emotional fool. Yeah… that’s the right word to describe me – an emotional fool. Otherwise why would I try to live like this? Maybe adding a “confused” as well to that might make sense – a confused emotional fool. Anyone who has even the slightest practical outlook of life would never indulge in something like this. But then, my mind is not a slate – you just wipe it off, and everything is clean.

I desperately want to move on in my life. I was so attached to AJ that everything seemed to be so empty without him. I don’t think he realizes how much I miss him. I don’t think anyone realizes how much lonely I feel these days. When those smiles refuse to come out of my lips; when those tears refuse to stop flowing; I indeed feel that I am all alone in this world. The same set of things would be repeated again in a month’s time or so when AR as well moves away. But I guess AJ’s departure would be more painful than AR’s; because AJ was so very special for me. At the same time when I see how easily AJ has managed to move on his life, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Is my obsession with those good memories of the past stopping me from moving on in life? I always knew that I am a whole lot more emotional a creature than many others around me. Hence it was almost certain that I would take much more time to recover from an emotional stress than what most others do. But this seems to be going for ever and ever – a never ending phenomenon. But do I have regrets about going through all of this? If I give a very honest answer, perhaps not… If destiny provides me with an opportunity to be with AJ again ever in my life; and then a painful separation, I would in all probability accept it with both hands. Not because I am in love with a painful life; but because I still yearn for those happy times with him. Somehow he just refuses to get out of my system… I can’t stop myself from asking a question to myself – what is AJ for me? I don’t have an answer. Perhaps he is everything – my best friend ever; someone whom I trusted the most. That would never change.

I am literally picking up the pieces left in my life and restarting it all. I am not sure how much successful I would be in this. I really want to succeed in this… But as usual, life doesn’t always give you things that you want… And at the end of it all, I ask myself that question which everyone dreads to ask - am I a looser???