The Countdown Begins

When does one remember God? Off course when there is unbearable amount of pain within, and you feel that without some divine intervention, there is no way you can get over the pain. I have been through this in that last three days or so – ever since AR told me that he is relocating to the US. I tried to convince myself that no matter where he is, he will always remain as my AR. But the attachment between us is too close to be influenced by these self-imposed assumptions. Every time I have been at home in the past few days, I have been emotionally down; I don’t know how many times I have cried in these days thinking of him. I am getting dreams while sleeping of saying good bye to him, and I just wake up from my sleep. I try to tell myself that things are just fine; but I never get convinced by it. Today being a Sunday, I decided to go for some divine intervention in my life, in my thoughts. Instead of going to the church that I normally go, I decided to go to a church which is a bit far away from my house, but is a shrine. I have heard from others about the miracles that happen at that church. Hence in pursuit of some inner peace, I went to the church.

The religious places are meant to give a huge amount of peace of mind – wherever it is. I decided to reach the church a little bit early, so that I can have some time to think to myself. I reached the church almost fifteen minutes in advance, and started praying. I have been facing bit of insecurity within for the past few days, and the news of AR moving just accentuated my thoughts of insecurity and helplessness. I felt as if I am slowly moving to a world where I am going to be absolutely lonely. That thought was killing me. When it was six in the evening, the mass started; but my thoughts were still wandering around. I looked at the cross, and couldn’t help myself from asking the question – why I am getting disappointments one after the other in my life. In that crowded church, I felt that I was lonely. Tears started coming out again. To be honest, I didn’t know what to pray as well. Almost as a routine, I am used to praying for us friends to be together for life, safeguarding each other from problems. When I said that today, I felt a pain in my heart. This was a prayer that was not going to materialize. The thoughts of AR going away were hurting me – to a point where my eyes became watery, and I couldn’t see things clearly. I wiped my tears and went back to my prayers. I didn’t know what to pray. For asking something to God, I needed to know what I wanted. That too was completely unaware for me. Off course I knew that whatever AR has got is a gift from the God – an opportunity of a lifetime, a reward given for all his hard work. There was no way I was going to pray to God to take that away from him. At the same time, he moving away is becoming increasingly unbearable. Won’t it be selfish, if I pray for him to stay back? Would it be like hoping for something less good for my personal satisfaction in life? I was confused... I still am… I don’t know what to ask for at this point of time, it’s a very difficult stage in my life, where I don’t find a clear way forward.

As I came out of the church, my phone rang; and it was him – AR. He wanted to go shopping for some groceries, and was asking when I would be available. Any time for you, my heart said. I thoroughly enjoy doing these things with him. We have been doing this together for at least three years now, and it was always fun. These might well be the final few days I might get to do these things with him, and there is no way on earth that I am going to miss all of that. I want to enjoy these final few days the most with him, garner in as much of memories as possible, so that when he is not around me in a few months time, I would be able to call back on these memories; and tell to myself – “Those were the best days of my life…” We did all the grocery purchase for both the houses, cooked food together, ate it at his place. After dinner, I left his place to mine, promising to meet tomorrow, and it had started to drizzle slightly outside. I said to myself as I walked through that drizzle – one more day gone… few more left… before everything changes. I am starting to count down the days. Jeez… How much do I want to put a pause to the days moving along?