Hospital Times Again

How many times in life does one want to be somewhere; but circumstances stop him from being there. You end up being neither here nor there. You would end up being physically present somewhere, but mentally you would be at a different place. You would do things with a half-heartedness that would make you look uninterested in whatever you are doing. But still you do things, just for the sake of doing it. Something similar has been happening to me all day today. The person who made me feel what it is to be in love, is going under a surgeon’s knife today. There is nothing left in that relationship between us. But still it pains somewhere within for me when I get to know that he is in problem. These days the frequency of our calls has come down to once a fortnight, and at times even more. Occasional messages are the only things that make us realize that the other person exists. He is happy with his life and family. I can’t say the same thing about my life; but I am sure that I have moved on. I no longer bemoan on his absence in my life… Neither do I wander in thoughts about him. But somewhere within me he is still alive and kicking. There is still that tick within me when something related to him happens. Probably the fact that he made me feel as someone special is the reason behind it. They say it’s very difficult to forget your first love; and from my experience I can say that it’s indeed true. Yesterday night I sent him message wishing him best for the surgery. It’s not a complicated one; but still I am feeling a tad worried.

Things become so complicated when I can’t even go and see him. How am I going to introduce myself to the people present there – as a queer who crushed on him big time?? Or as the person who lived a dream of being in love with their son or husband as the case may be. I don’t want any of those kinds of things happening for him; and hence made a conscious decision to stay away from him. Couple of weeks back, he had invited me for the house-warming of his new house. I couldn’t say no to him; but didn’t go there either hiding behind a few lies, specifically because of these reasons. I don’t know how he felt about it all. Hope that he understood that there was a reason behind me not coming. The same reasons stop me from visiting him at the hospital. He said yesterday that he would call me back once he gets back to normal state. The only other way to get any information is through a common friend of ours. But unfortunately he is having some exams today, and hence nowhere close to the hospital. Hence there are no updates. Hope everything is going fine; and as long as that is the case, I am fine with it. Maybe sometime in the evening I would get the message from him. As far as I know, this surgery is not a major one – so much so that he is to be given only a local anesthesia.

And just as I write this, I get a call from him. The surgery went off well. He is fine now; and back to his senses… :-)