Happy Dreams.. Sad Realities..

There are times when you look at a mirror and ask that all important question in life - "who are you"? When you start looking at yourself in third person, things become really interesting. When all those uncomfortable questions are asked, you invariably get answers that you wouldn't have got had you been contemplating on them. On one of those experiments, I asked myself a question - "what do I want in life?" Its a difficult question for me; given my circumstances; but I made a genuine effort to identify what is it that I want in life. Is it money? Is it professional excellence? Is it fame? I pondered on all possible answers that I could have given to that question; and came up with two things that I desperately need in life at this point of time - a bit of happiness and a bit of love from that special person. In a way they are inter related. When you have that special one in your life, happiness and love is bound to be there. That's why I feel that one has to be really lucky to have that special one in life. At the end of the day, no matter how much you make money, no matter how much you rise professionally, no matter how much you accomplish in life, if you are not able to enjoy them with that special one, it makes absolutely no sense at all to have them all. I feel that is the reason why civilizations have taken up the institution of marriage from time immemorial. But what happens to the people who are queer? How do they attain that happiness in life? And especially in a society that considers them absolutely alien? Would it have been so nice if I could go and stand in front of my parents and say that I am queer? Would it have been so good if I could express myself in front of others? Would it have been so great if I didn't have to live such a closeted life? They are all a scenario that exists in an ideal world. the practical world is far far away from the picture given by the ideal world - its a world driven by prejudice and pre-conceived notions. Its a world that considers anything that deviates from the normal as unnatural. So I guess an "unnatural" like me doesn't deserve the right to be happy, or have that someone special in life.

Things are moving at a much faster pace than what I had expected. The pressure to get married is getting intense day by day. Yesterday evening as well when my mom called, the only thing that she wanted to talk about was my marriage. As usual I started telling all the lies for me not to get married - from pressures at work to not having leaves and God knows what else. I have been going through an emotional low these days; and soon after the call got over, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I had no control on them, as they just kept on coming. I don't know why I cried; perhaps its all those frustrations that had been getting accumulated coming out. Even though I am really longing to see my parents, I am resisting myself from going to my native place; as I know that if I go there, there would be that talk of me getting married. I want to avoid that. Its fine telling all those lies on the phone, but its an all different story if I have to tell them on the face. I wont be able to do that. One of the things that gives me immense amount of happiness is while I am with my parents. Because of what I am, I am having to do away with that bit of happiness as well. I don't know what further sacrifices I would have to do for hiding myself. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I am starting to hate myself - in fact I am hating myself to an extend that I don't have any compassion to myself. Why should there be any sympathy or empathy to anyone who is living a life based on lies?

Coming back to the question that I asked myself - I want someone to be there in my life. I want someone in whom I can see my happiness multiply; someone who helps me diminish the disappointments; someone whom I can think of with a smile on my face and a beat in my heart; someone whom I call call mine; someone who can call me his... Quite unfortunate that they will just remain as dreams; as we all live in a practical world rather than in an ideal one. Its just dreams that I have about life. How nice it would be if there was someone in my life whose face is the first thing that I see every morning, and the last thing I see every night; his persona would be the image that comes into my mind every moment; his voice would be the one that my ears wait all day to hear; his face would be the one that my eyes will dream.. Sadly though, none of it is happening.. They just remain to be there in my dreams of an ideal world filled with happiness..