Wretched Start

It was the first weekend of what I would like to see as the most important year in my life from a personal point of view. This is the year where I hope that I will get my love; the year when I will finally have the courage to say what I feel from the bottom of my heart; the year when my relationships will be tested to the hilt; the year when I will see a whole lot of people close to me move away from me; the year when I perseverance will be tested; the year when my family could very well disown me; the year when I could be completely shattered; the year when I could finally find some happiness in life; the year when I may have someone whom I can say is mine; they year when I see some light at the end of the tunnel; the year when I finally realize what I am. There are lots of hopes, aspirations, fear and apprehension when I look forward to this year. Because this year could well be the watershed year of my life. The year when there would be some clarity in my life.

And this year got to the worst possible start over the weekend. It all started as a simple joke. MS was kind-of making fun of me for not getting married. It soon developed into a confrontation of sorts. I was very much cornered up for not telling them the fact. But can I, even if I wanted to? And were these guys ready to accept what I am? On paper, it sounds very good to say that being best friends, people will have to accept all things good and bad. But I seriously doubt if they were ready to hear that their friend is a queer. I too didn't have the guts to say that to the rest of the guys. MS was clearly upset with my reluctance in opening up. So was AJ. AR has this knack of not being expressive. He must also have been upset. After all we claim ourselves to be good friends; and then its unfair to them from me to hide some things in life. But this is one thing that I am afraid will change everything for ever. Things that would convert a beautiful relationship into something that is built on contempt. I didn't want anything like that to happen. Its a hard thing for me to tell to them as well. Hence resisted all temptations to tell it to them. They naturally got agitated, and God know how things went after that. It was absolute mayhem. And yesterday night both of us were on a bike for almost 15 minutes together, but didn't speak a single word. Maybe the first time ever something like this has happened. Is my world falling apart? Is the truth of what I am ruining my life? I don't know. Maybe it is. I don't know how things will get back between us. Its so difficult to have a fight with your best friend.

In all of this mess that I was going through, I wanted to talk to him. But didn't call. He must be having a good time with his family. Why should I mess up his time as well? From his mail today, I realized that he had a good time with it. Good that I didn't call him up and become a spoiler.

All in all, it was a wretched weekend. The worst possible way to start a new year in my life.