Finding Ways

After all the bad things that I have been thinking of, there was one good thing that happened. Yesterday I called him up, and he was saying that he was getting really very busy at work, and hence could'nt get into anything else. I am still not completely sure if that is the case. Something from withing my mind says that he is not comfortable with me around. And he does'nt want to express it to me thinking of what I will feel about it. If that is the case, I feel I should take the lead and get to know from him what he wants. He is too precious for me to be allowed to go through the agony just because he feels that I will get hurt. I will stay in the sidelines, fade away into the horizon, without making any noise if he feels that I am becoming bit of a burdon on him. Man.. I love him so much. The last thing I want to see is him getting into any problems what-so-ever because of me. It will be tough for me.. but I will somehow go through it. I dont want to take my mind to such a level that at a later stage it becomes exceedingly difficult for me to come back. As they say, the impact of a fall increases as the height from which one falls increases. I dont want to get into that sort of mess. Already I feel I am in a big mess with-respect-to him. There is nothing else that comes into my mind except for him.

But how do I go ahead doing this? The easiest way one would asume would be to ask him. But is that such a simple thing to do? I am not sure about it. It is going to be exceptionally hard for me to ask him if he really wants this to go forward or not. I am afraid of two counts - one what if he says he is not interested, and second what if he feel bad about it? In either these cases, I will be gutted. I just dont know what I should be doing. But this cant go for ever. Otherwise I will get mad some day soon. Need to find a way out....

AJ came back from his native place yesterday, and we talked over phone in the night. He went on and on trying to pull my legs on the new female colleague who has recently joined my team. More than anything else he is desperately trying to evoke some sort of feelings in my mind for girls. He believes that I am suppressing my feelings for girls in my mind, and thinks that repeated bombardment of such a thing would result in a change of heart for me. I feel very much guilty when they try to do all these. All these things are happening because I haven't been as open to them as what they expect out of me. Its just due to the fact that I am afraid how they will react once they get to know about the real me. Probably they will hate me for the rest of their lives. After all who wants to have a queer as a friend? That's exactly what I am most worried of. They are so much important for me - they are kind-of my pillar of strength. I cant think of a situation when they are completely away from me. They are the only ones that I have in this city.

I am probably in that phase of life where one small mistake from my side will result in my life falling apart. There is this fear in me - the fear of loosing that's is literally killing me. My family is definitely going to be shattered when they know that I am a queer. My friends will walk away. The person whom I madly love doesn't even know that I love him that much. He may not even have such an idea in his mind. Moreover I see signs of him not interested as well. I am feeling very lonely - so lonely that I don't find a shoulder in sight on which I can put my head on..