Wishful Thinking

Yesterday I expressed my apprehensions in life to "him". I wrote at length on my fears in life, the fact that I am leading a life based on a bunch of lies, and my overwhelming fear that when the truth comes out into the open, I will be completely gone. "He" does'nt like the negative tone in what I write [as "he" is the so-called beacon of positivity. Maybe this startling contrast between the two of us is the thing that attracted him to me to this extend]. Tensions are bound to fly now because of this. "He" will be angry; and probably wont even reply. Now I have to get back to him and get him back to talking terms. But did I say anything wrong yesterday?? I dont think so. Its a bitter pill to swallow; but unfortunately I have to swallow it.

My insecurities are increasing on a daily basis. Everywhere I find no way forward. I am madly in love with "him" - eventhough I have never said it to him, because I am afraid how he will respond, and I wont be able to take in a rejection. If one looks at this objectively, it will sound senseless to asume that "he" has some feelings of the kind I want for me, because of a multitude of reasons. A beautuiful wife, a very happy family.. why would he want a looser like me who is a perennial looser in life? Maybe I am just running behind a lost cause. I am expecting the most unexpected thing that can happen. I might be taking rapid strides into complete disaster. The most saddening fact of this all is that even though I realise all these things, I am not able to change my ways. I am so much madly in love with "him". Dont they say love is blind??

BTW, just as I was writing this, I got a mail forward from one of my friends which had the following lines:

Eventhough the sky seems dark, believe in the future
The storm will pass over, the clouds will roll by
Believe in the best though it seems hidden
Know that it will come though its not in sight
Your faith will take you through the darkness
Your belief shall prove that the sun will shine again

Message from God for me?? I indeed hope that the sun will shine on my life... Just wishful thinking...