Introspections

This emotional rut is kind of killing me. I am incapacitated big time - not able to concentrate at work, not able to even have a good laugh with my friends. The sense of loss is quite overwhelming. The only thing that I could hope for is that he might be busy at work; and that's the reason behind him being cold to the entire thing. But my head says that chances for that is very slim. This might well be his way of politely saying "Enough is enough; go away so that I can lead a peaceful life". That brings me back to square-one. The same place where I was looking for someone to whom I could express myself. The search that I was doing, the search that I thought I found a solution in him, has actually resulted in nothing. I am where I started my search. Just that I lost whatever little hope that I will ever find my love. I have lost hope.. lost hope in everything.

If we go strictly by the books, I was actually trying to do a painting on the ice in bright sunshine. As the ice melts, my painting of life would also drift away. I have sent him a mail for one last time.. Hope he sees it and responds. Otherwise, even though unwillingly, I will have to accept that he is gone for ever from my life. [That was very hard even to write] No matter what happens, it was a very beautiful dream - something that changed me for ever. Something that taught me how it feels when you fall in love. Something that taught me that life is not as simple as it is seen. Something that taught me to dream about love. A whole lot of things I experienced for the first time during this period. I would have done anything for this dream never to end. But dreams always ends. It invariably ends with a rude shock. No difference this time as well. Just that it has completely pulled me down - to such an extend that I am down for the count. It was an emotional roller-coaster ride - a ride that took me to the highs of ecstasy, and to the lows of despair. Thanks my dear for making me feel all of that. Irrespective of whether he needs me or not, I will always love him. He was my first love, and its oh so difficult to forget your first love. And in my case he gave me lots and lots of good memories. That it would have a sad end was almost sure considering the fact that there were lots of constraints on him. Moreover he never ever said that he wanted to get involved in a serious relationship with me. It was just that I was flying in my dreams, imagining things.

Now that it is over, where does it leave me? Time for some serious introspection. I want to run away from this entire world, live a life of isolation for some time, try to start my life fresh. It may not be practical, but then when was I ever practical in life. A dreamer will never be practical.