A confused weekend

There are times in life when you feel completely lost; completely confused. Probably this weekend was one such. I was all alone over the weekend, as AR and AJ had gone home. MS came over on Friday night, but was busy on Saturday and almost the whole of Sunday. I felt very lonely and kind of depressed. My mind was full of thoughts about "him". Well, "he" is becoming some sort of an infactuation for me. "He" is there everywhere - in my dreams, in my thoughts - everywhere. Am I loosing my senses; or worse am I loosing my ability to look at things with a practical point of view.

Probably I am thinking too much into the entire thing. I dont even know what "he" thinks about me. Maybe "he" is not serious at all. Or else "he" might be looking at me just as a friend. I am keeping of imagining things in my mind - that are never going to work out. I loose a couple of heart-beats when I think of how I will react when I have to face the reality - a reality that would shake off everything that I have been imagining. A rude wake-up call that would bring an end to this beautiful dream. Am I really getting mad for him? I went to the very indifferent step this Sunday that, while I was in church attending the mass I prayed for a strong relationship with him. God, please make my dream come true. This is the first time that I have fallen in love with someone. And I dont want this to come to a disasterous end. For a married man who is deeply committed to his wife and family like him, I dont know how much practical it is.. If at all this dream crash lands [in all probability it would], I would never blame him for that. It must be mighty difficult for him to manage everything without things falling apart. I dont want to take anything away from his family life - something that he cherishes a lot and values a lot. But is'nt it possible for him to spare some of his space for me? I just hope against hope that he is able to do that..

BTW, yesterday I saw his orkut page.. Umm, the dad and kids look so similar. And there was a photo of his wife as well. She looked absolutely gorgeous. "He" is very lucky.

Since I was all alone at home over the weekend, I saw a couple of movies on laptop. One was "Love Actually" [the original of the Hindi movie Salaam-e-Ishq]. Really liked it. Far far better than the crap that the Salaam-e-Ishq provided. The movie handled the emotion of love so sensitively. I really liked the character of Mark [played by Andrew Lincoln] in the movie. Here is a man who is mad about his love, but is desparately insecure to tell it to the outside world. Hey, does'nt it resemble me? And towards the end of the movie, he conveys his true feelings to his love, who also happens to be his best friend's wife. Thats so well taken. When will I ever have the guts to open up myself up like that? Once the movie got over, this was exactly what I was thinking. I dont know. I hope it would happen some time. But time is running out for me. My frustrations are only bound to increase, the longer I keep it to myself.

Yesterday night MS called me up late in the night and we talked for about an hour or so. The subject of discussion was why I am not getting married [no surprises there]. He is one person who honestly want to see me get married and settle down. And he has tried really hard for the last one year for that. But how can I say the real reason to him? How will he react to the news that one of his so called best friends is not straight? Will I remain as one of his friends - even if not his best friend? I really doubt it.. By the way he was persuading me on this matter, I was mightily tempted to open up in front of him. Bu my insecurity about relationship with him stopped from doing it. I finally said that my mind is not a slate which you rub, and something new comes up. I think he asumed that I had an affair earlier, and am trying to get out of it. I am really very very sorry MS.. I should'nt have lied. But I am very afraid if you will take it the way I put it, and hence I had to lie to you. When you realise the truth some day, I hope you will understand me. Little do you know how much passionate I am in my mind for "him" [eventhough it is never going to work out]