The Countdown Begins

When does one remember God? Off course when there is unbearable amount of pain within, and you feel that without some divine intervention, there is no way you can get over the pain. I have been through this in that last three days or so – ever since AR told me that he is relocating to the US. I tried to convince myself that no matter where he is, he will always remain as my AR. But the attachment between us is too close to be influenced by these self-imposed assumptions. Every time I have been at home in the past few days, I have been emotionally down; I don’t know how many times I have cried in these days thinking of him. I am getting dreams while sleeping of saying good bye to him, and I just wake up from my sleep. I try to tell myself that things are just fine; but I never get convinced by it. Today being a Sunday, I decided to go for some divine intervention in my life, in my thoughts. Instead of going to the church that I normally go, I decided to go to a church which is a bit far away from my house, but is a shrine. I have heard from others about the miracles that happen at that church. Hence in pursuit of some inner peace, I went to the church.

The religious places are meant to give a huge amount of peace of mind – wherever it is. I decided to reach the church a little bit early, so that I can have some time to think to myself. I reached the church almost fifteen minutes in advance, and started praying. I have been facing bit of insecurity within for the past few days, and the news of AR moving just accentuated my thoughts of insecurity and helplessness. I felt as if I am slowly moving to a world where I am going to be absolutely lonely. That thought was killing me. When it was six in the evening, the mass started; but my thoughts were still wandering around. I looked at the cross, and couldn’t help myself from asking the question – why I am getting disappointments one after the other in my life. In that crowded church, I felt that I was lonely. Tears started coming out again. To be honest, I didn’t know what to pray as well. Almost as a routine, I am used to praying for us friends to be together for life, safeguarding each other from problems. When I said that today, I felt a pain in my heart. This was a prayer that was not going to materialize. The thoughts of AR going away were hurting me – to a point where my eyes became watery, and I couldn’t see things clearly. I wiped my tears and went back to my prayers. I didn’t know what to pray. For asking something to God, I needed to know what I wanted. That too was completely unaware for me. Off course I knew that whatever AR has got is a gift from the God – an opportunity of a lifetime, a reward given for all his hard work. There was no way I was going to pray to God to take that away from him. At the same time, he moving away is becoming increasingly unbearable. Won’t it be selfish, if I pray for him to stay back? Would it be like hoping for something less good for my personal satisfaction in life? I was confused... I still am… I don’t know what to ask for at this point of time, it’s a very difficult stage in my life, where I don’t find a clear way forward.

As I came out of the church, my phone rang; and it was him – AR. He wanted to go shopping for some groceries, and was asking when I would be available. Any time for you, my heart said. I thoroughly enjoy doing these things with him. We have been doing this together for at least three years now, and it was always fun. These might well be the final few days I might get to do these things with him, and there is no way on earth that I am going to miss all of that. I want to enjoy these final few days the most with him, garner in as much of memories as possible, so that when he is not around me in a few months time, I would be able to call back on these memories; and tell to myself – “Those were the best days of my life…” We did all the grocery purchase for both the houses, cooked food together, ate it at his place. After dinner, I left his place to mine, promising to meet tomorrow, and it had started to drizzle slightly outside. I said to myself as I walked through that drizzle – one more day gone… few more left… before everything changes. I am starting to count down the days. Jeez… How much do I want to put a pause to the days moving along?

Goodbye To My Best Friend

There are always these moments that you dread about in life; hoping that they would never ever come. The very thought of those things happening brings in a bit of shiver in the spine. You hate even to think about such an eventuality. But then, when it comes, it becomes too unbearable to you. It feels as if something is been plucked away from you every time you think about it. If the very thought is so very painful, imagine how difficult it is to accept it when such a situation actually comes up in life. Accepting them, and coping with them may be the essence of what life is. It’s the adversities that every one of us faces in life that makes the life different for each one of us. Otherwise it’s all very same for all of us, isn’t it? Easier to say that with a tinge of philosophy; but when it happens to you, especially when someone very close to you is involved, it becomes even more difficult to handle.

AR came up yesterday and told me that he might well be moving to the US permanently, and that too very soon. After being best of friends for almost over nine years, it was a bit too difficult for me to fathom. It was almost like a bolt from the blue. I didn’t know how to react to it. On the one hand, I was extremely happy for him – that he was getting an opportunity of a life time. On the other hand, I felt scary about a life without him around me. Ever since we came over to Bangalore around four years back, we have been closer to each other than anyone else. In all good and bad times, we stood for each other. I would never forget his face when he came to know that I had to do that tumor removal surgery. He was one of the very few around me who was genuinely caring for me. There were times when I was so busy with work; that I come home very late, he would have prepared dinner for me, waited for some time and then slept. He is one person to whom I share all my tensions at work, and in a few minutes with him, everything seems to be back to normal. His one word of encouragement was more than sufficient for me to get out of the worst of disappointments. We have been together from the University – studied together, worked for some time together, and then stayed together once we came to this unknown city of Bangalore. We had our good and bad times together, shared moments of joy and despair, enjoyed each others successes, and encouraged each other of failures. In all of that, we became the most important persons for each other. Only when you are about to loose something in life, that you realize how much important that thing was in your life. In my own admission, there were times when I took him for granted, when I gave more importance for something else when he wanted me to do something for him. And now when he is about to go far away from me, each of those instances are haunting me. Every time I said “no” to him, looks like big mistakes that I have done. I now realize how much he would have felt hurt when I declined things to him. I am really sorry AR. I have realized the mistakes, all be it too late.

I could see the pain in him when he mentioned it to me. He too was hurt with the thoughts of moving away. But the option in front of him is too tempting to be rejected. Its one of the best things that could happen to him from a career point of view. That’s put him in real confusion. As far as I know him, he would eventually accept that and move out. I left his house soon after dinner, and I was emotionally overwhelmed. As I waked through the streets of Bangalore close to midnight, I felt I was sweating even in that chill... Were tears rolling down my eyes at that point of time? Probably they were. The time being close to midnight made sure that the streets were deserted, and I didn’t have the embarrassment of people seeing me crying. As soon as I got in my house, I started to cry like a baby; after all there was no fear of my ego being hurt by someone seeing me crying in my house. I tried to control my tears, but they were not listening. They were coming down like rains in a monsoon night. There was no way to escape the pain. I realized how much I am going to miss him; how much important he is in my life. It’s extremely difficult to get good friends; and I feel I am exceptionally lucky to have AR as my friend. Well, is he just a friend? I guess not. He is perhaps much more than that. In literary terms, you can call him as a so-called friend, philosopher, guide, shadow, brother… anything. Life without AR is something that I would find very hard to fathom in. All those days when we cooked together, ate together, spent time trying to support each other will remain as the best days of my life. No one can ever be my AR, because he is special. More than anything else, he is one person who has understood me better than anyone else.

With AR going away, depth of my loneliness is going to increase in leaps and bounds. I had always felt that he is one person who would still stand by me if I come out to him. Because, for him I am important, and not what I am. That’s the trait of a true friend. And AR definitely is one of them. I will miss you man. Where ever you are, be happy….

Thoughts During A Traffic Jam

Today my travel to the office was a very long one, because of the normal reason - ridiculously disgusting traffic scenario here. What used to take no more than thirty minutes, took almost a couple of hours. Since I was traveling in a company cab, I was not worried about being late to office. After all I am using company provided commutation. As time went bye, I was slowly drifting myself into thoughts. The person whom I had a huge crush on is getting to his birthday in a couple of days. I couldn’t stop myself from going back a year in time – when there was love in my thoughts, in my deeds!! I remember being anxiously waiting for that particular day to come, the things that I did to make sure that it was a really special one. I had promised him that the next year I would give him a bigger surprise. But one year down the lane, things have all changed. There is no longer that love in the air; nor am I mesmerized by the emotional overtones. The only thing that is there is a realization that I am pretty much alone and whatever I had dreamt of is just a dream – something that would never happen in reality.

It’s clearly time to move on in life; my head says so, while the heart just refuses from me doing it. After all the heart is not a slate that one can just wipe to clean everything. There is a whole lot of emotional baggage that gets accumulated in the heart, which just can’t be wiped off. But what is the way out? I can’t allow myself to be confined in the jails of an emotional attachment; and that too of a relationship that has ceased to exist, and would by no means repeat again. I started looking out for ways to get out of this. Tried many things – from concentrating more on work to spending more time with my friends; from reading to spending time outside. Unfortunately for me, nothing worked. They all provided me some relief for the time being, but I was never really happy for an extended period of time. There were times when even I could realize that my smiles had a shade of sorrow attached. My friends used to say that even if I am present with them physically, mentally I was somewhere else. I used to fight that argument ferociously, even though I knew that what they were saying was completely right. I didn’t want to give an inclination to others that there was something else that was eating my head. Was that my ego or my fear of being exposed that was making me do it? I don’t know. But in all of those emotional battles within, my life just chugged on directionless.

They say – when you are hot, you are hot; and when you are not, you are not. When things are not going your way, almost everything seems to be against you – fate, destiny – everything. Exactly at this time, pressure is mounting on me to get married. I can’t blame them, as it’s the dream of every parent to have their kid get married. But I am different – isn’t it? The sad part is that I can’t come out in front of them saying that I am different. I eagerly read through the coming out stories on the web, by different bloggers, and tried to imagine what would be the reaction at my place if I ever came out. I searched for the remotest chance for them to accept what I am. Every time it ended in the negative. There is no way that my family is to accept that I am different. Most probably they may not even understand what I am saying. Even if they understand, they would never accept it – as for them, this is something unnatural, something against the will of the God, something that is unacceptable. It takes generations for societies to change. And for the society to accept something that for generations was considered as a sin against the will of the God, its like dreaming that the traffic mess in Bangalore goes off as day breaks tomorrow morning.. So I reluctantly gave my consent for them to look for a bride for me. I am absolutely petrified about all of this, but still I said yes to it: not because I agree to it, but because I don’t want to see my parents in pain.

But in all this effort of being the nice guy; or should I say being someone whom others want me to be, am I forgetting that I have a life as well? Don’t I have the right to be happy in life? Questions that come back to haunt me again and again. I have no answers for all of that, because life has taken me to a juncture where its not possible even to expect answers to the tough questions in life. For a moment when I got out of the thoughts, I looked outside – my cab was at almost the same place where it was earlier. I hasn’t moved much – just like my life….

Blogging Rocks!!

These days my mind has been captivated by the writings of a blogger - whose blog I accidentally bumped into in one of those browsing days. The first time I bumped into that blog, I started reading all the posts that he has done. Almost all of them were stories at that stage. On a queer blog more often than not, the only kind of stories that you get to see are variants of porn - depending on what the blogger wants to convey. But this one was different. It had stories that had a realistic touch to it. It was not the usual see-drool-meet-fuck-bye sort of thing. It had a lot more to it; in fact it was anything but the conventional. It had a human touch to it; gave a rare insight to a beautiful mind; spoke in volumes about the pain and agony that is suppressed within the writer. Needless to say, I became fan of that writing style. In no time I completed reading that entire blog of his. It was captivating; and all his stories had a dimension of life attached to it. To my complete surprise, I felt that I am not the only person on earth who thinks the way I do. Here is a stranger who almost is my shadow - the way he think; the way he writes. Its always good to have a company - where ever in life it is; and this was definitely interesting. And then off late, he wrote something other than a story - something about the thought process within for him. Fabulous is the only word that I can use for that piece of work; and any other adjective for that would be a big injustice to what was written.

I thought of bringing this up as yesterday on NDTV's weekend program - "We The People", the discussion was regarding blogging. Some of the big names of the blogging world were in that discussion. Since the European Championship in football and the French Open in tennis were on simultaneously, there was very little that I could listen to in that program. But I feel very strong about my blogging. Its my confession of sorts. I tell what my mind tells, things that I cant tell on the face of others, things that the lips cant utter - as sentences in my blog. Perhaps this assumes a whole lot of significance for me because this forms an integral part of my quest for identifying myself; my Endeavour for self realization. Whatever I say here are the things that my heart weeps about, but I don't have the balls to tell others about. Its been of huge importance for me - because it gives me a means of being what I am; expressing what I feel. There are times when tears were rolling down my cheeks when I wrote something in this blog. There were times when I couldn't complete something that I started to write because I was getting emotionally overwhelmed. There were also times when I felt light hearted once I completed writing something. That's the thing that clings me towards blogging. My anonymity of the internet and the blogging world gives me the freedom to express what I want to without the fear of being identified, vilified or targeted. I can say things that if I had told on someone's face I would have been ridiculed. I can express my sorry through words without the fear of my ego being hurt if someone sees me crying. Those are the things that keeps me engrossed in the blogging world. This is a world where I can correlate very well with like minded people - just like the blogger whom I earlier mentioned. And who knows - I might find a good friend somewhere in the blogging world as well. So blogging rocks!!

There are times when unknowingly you become addicted to someone in the blogging world - you tend to feel that this is someone who is very similar in thoughts to what you are. This new blogger whom I mentioned earlier seems to be someone like that. I try to make an image of how he might be thinking; how he might react to situations. Its sounds like a funny little way to spend time; but more importantly these confessional blogs puts light into the hearts of people whose hearts are forcibly kept in the dark due to the societal pressures; or whatever other reasons. They give an indication to how people face issues; how people do things that they don't want to do, just because they don't want to be perceived as someone by the society. These blogs also shows the hushed cries and suppressed feelings. Its a fascinating thing to have; and whoever found this method - hats off to him, because he has given people like me a medium to express.

Change.. But No Change...

Now that talks of my marriage are going full steam back home, I am trying to see if I can change. A change that would at least make me act straight; and perhaps live a folly life acting straight and living straight. I am trying to fool myself; trying to make myself believe that I am straight. I know its like running away from the hard reality of what I am, but still I am doing this as I am afraid of what the future lies for me once I get married. Its a very scary thought, and it just takes the hell out of me. Call it as preparation, or simply being paranoid, I want to see how my life would shape up acting straight. And needless to say, I find it extremely difficult to be one. I cant stop my instincts. If a hunk walks around, there is no way on earth that my eyes wont follow him. There are times when your heart says one thing, and the head exactly the opposite. This is one such scenario. And at the end of it all, I ask the simple question to myself - is all this worth the effort? The answer is an emphatic "no". I have been made like this; and its extremely difficult to make a change in that aspect. So the frustrations continue.

I was talking with AJ sometime back, on having to loose someone a second time in life. It was with respect to his girl friend. The thing that came into my mind immediately was how difficult it is to find someone whom you can categories as a "true love" and not a "body seeker" amongst queers. And imagine how difficult it would be to loose that particular person the first time, forget loosing him the second time. Only the people who have burnt their hands in a relationship would understand how difficult it is. I am at times appalled at people who take relationships as something trivial; something they can easily get in, and get out of. The terminology of "open relationship" in itself is not comprehendible for me. I believe that's a terminology developed by people who doesn't want to stay committed; and are on the look out for a way to get out of relationships. When people get out of a relationship like throwing away an old shirt, its not on for me. I would rather not enter into a relationship, rather than walk away from it for the simple reason that I am bored of it. That's the most ridiculous of reasons for not going ahead with a relationship. Are these apprehensions the reasons why I am reluctant to get into a relationship? Partly yes I guess. And part of the reason for that I my fear that I may not be able to take it to the full. I might well have to get married at some point of time owing to my family pressures; even if I have absolutely no interests in doing something like that. That's the disadvantage of being a gay in a country like India, where the society is extremely reluctant to anything of that sort. If I get married, I wont be able to do justice to my relationship - either ways. So its better not to get into one, rather than making someone else unhappy about it.

But would I be happy with such an arrangement? Definitely not. But still I would have to make myself happy with living a life that I want; to make sure that the loved ones for me are happy. The pursuit of happiness achieves a new dimension when you sacrifice your happiness for the happiness of the others. And that's when your life becomes worthy of itself. Otherwise, what's the difference between the life of an animal and mine??

Happy Dreams.. Sad Realities..

There are times when you look at a mirror and ask that all important question in life - "who are you"? When you start looking at yourself in third person, things become really interesting. When all those uncomfortable questions are asked, you invariably get answers that you wouldn't have got had you been contemplating on them. On one of those experiments, I asked myself a question - "what do I want in life?" Its a difficult question for me; given my circumstances; but I made a genuine effort to identify what is it that I want in life. Is it money? Is it professional excellence? Is it fame? I pondered on all possible answers that I could have given to that question; and came up with two things that I desperately need in life at this point of time - a bit of happiness and a bit of love from that special person. In a way they are inter related. When you have that special one in your life, happiness and love is bound to be there. That's why I feel that one has to be really lucky to have that special one in life. At the end of the day, no matter how much you make money, no matter how much you rise professionally, no matter how much you accomplish in life, if you are not able to enjoy them with that special one, it makes absolutely no sense at all to have them all. I feel that is the reason why civilizations have taken up the institution of marriage from time immemorial. But what happens to the people who are queer? How do they attain that happiness in life? And especially in a society that considers them absolutely alien? Would it have been so nice if I could go and stand in front of my parents and say that I am queer? Would it have been so good if I could express myself in front of others? Would it have been so great if I didn't have to live such a closeted life? They are all a scenario that exists in an ideal world. the practical world is far far away from the picture given by the ideal world - its a world driven by prejudice and pre-conceived notions. Its a world that considers anything that deviates from the normal as unnatural. So I guess an "unnatural" like me doesn't deserve the right to be happy, or have that someone special in life.

Things are moving at a much faster pace than what I had expected. The pressure to get married is getting intense day by day. Yesterday evening as well when my mom called, the only thing that she wanted to talk about was my marriage. As usual I started telling all the lies for me not to get married - from pressures at work to not having leaves and God knows what else. I have been going through an emotional low these days; and soon after the call got over, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I had no control on them, as they just kept on coming. I don't know why I cried; perhaps its all those frustrations that had been getting accumulated coming out. Even though I am really longing to see my parents, I am resisting myself from going to my native place; as I know that if I go there, there would be that talk of me getting married. I want to avoid that. Its fine telling all those lies on the phone, but its an all different story if I have to tell them on the face. I wont be able to do that. One of the things that gives me immense amount of happiness is while I am with my parents. Because of what I am, I am having to do away with that bit of happiness as well. I don't know what further sacrifices I would have to do for hiding myself. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I am starting to hate myself - in fact I am hating myself to an extend that I don't have any compassion to myself. Why should there be any sympathy or empathy to anyone who is living a life based on lies?

Coming back to the question that I asked myself - I want someone to be there in my life. I want someone in whom I can see my happiness multiply; someone who helps me diminish the disappointments; someone whom I can think of with a smile on my face and a beat in my heart; someone whom I call call mine; someone who can call me his... Quite unfortunate that they will just remain as dreams; as we all live in a practical world rather than in an ideal one. Its just dreams that I have about life. How nice it would be if there was someone in my life whose face is the first thing that I see every morning, and the last thing I see every night; his persona would be the image that comes into my mind every moment; his voice would be the one that my ears wait all day to hear; his face would be the one that my eyes will dream.. Sadly though, none of it is happening.. They just remain to be there in my dreams of an ideal world filled with happiness..

Meeting A Friend's Friend

There is this friend of mine - whom I came to know through another friend of mine. Both of us ironically have offices very close to each other. The first time we met, it was just a "hi" and then a "bye". We met once more after that, probably would have sent each other a few messages over phone; talked over phone a couple of times. Nothing more. But the second time we met in a "Coffee Day" outlet for a cup of coffee, I realized that he is one of the most straight forward persons I have ever met. He was always to the point, and was very articulate in whatever he said. I really like people who speak their heart out. Probably because I am not a person who can be classified to belong to such a group, but want to be one. He has a really charming smile, and doing justice to his profession [he is a manager], he talks really well. Well, he was just someone whom I knew - and there are hundreds of them whom I know - till day before yesterday. It was my birthday, and the day was all but over. I was tired that night after all the cleaning and washing of my messy place, and I went to sleep very early. The next morning when I woke up, I saw a missed call and a message on my phone. Both were from him. It seems he had got to know that it was my birthday that day, and wanted to wish me before the day ended. I was in such deep slumber that I didn't realize my phone ringing. I found that very sweet. I mean, why on earth should someone take the pain of calling me so late in the night - especially when there is nothing much in the relationship. By consensus we decided that we should meet up over a cup of coffee the next day. To tell a bit more about this person - he is a queer as well, and had no qualms in accepting that. He has been involved in a relationship for over two years, and I could sense from my earlier interactions with him that he is madly in love with his partner who is overseas on an assignment. I liked the confidence in him, when he accepts to himself what he is.

So we met, on a fine late summer evening here in Bangalore, in a "Coffee Day" outlet near to our office. When we met, he wished me a happy birthday with a bear hug. When he did that on the road, what did I feel? Did I feel a sense of something that I wanted, but never got? Did I feel a tad apprehensive when such an open gesture of love and affection was done? Did I feel my heart tick a little bit faster? Did I feel a surge of emotions in my mind? Probably it was a mixture of all of these that were happening in me. Our previous meeting wouldn't have lasted more than ten minutes, as I had some work to do that day. But this time it went on and on - for over an hour I guess. Both of us were not tired of talking, at least I was not; and I hope that he was not either. We talked about everything - his family, his life, his love - everything. The candidness with which he talked made him a very pleasing person to be with. I too felt like opening myself up on the face of someone after a long time. I am pretty much open with VM whenever we chat; but very rarely do I open myself up in the face of others. This was a unique experience in that respect. I didn't realize the time flying bye in that evening. There was work to be done, hence had to cut short that evening.

That night while I was lying on the bed, as my eyes were dragging itself closer to sleep, my thoughts were well and truly engrossed in him. I was feeling happy; that much I am sure. Then there is always that feeling that comes into ones mind - what if this person was your love? Why didn't we meet a lot earlier than this, when we could have looked up to the possibility of being together. Its a useless bit of thought; but hey, what's the harm in just thinking. He is pretty much peaceful in his life with someone whom he loves more than himself. I had burnt my hand once trying to dream about someone who was never going to be mine. Why is it that I go the same way again? Maybe its that basic human nature - the want to be in love. And especially when there is someone who just touches your heart, make you skip a beat on his presence, make you smile with his charm, make you dream with his deeds - its quite natural I guess. And I went through that - big time. I dreamt of him that night, and probably realized that he is slowly becoming some sort of a crush for me. I need to be careful here I guess, otherwise I would end up being a person who is in crush with almost everyone whom I met.

But seriously, this was one meeting I really enjoyed to the core, and something that I am looking forward to have some time soon... I am going nuts.. again..

Its My Birthday - And I Am Celebrating It Alone

Its that time of the year again - when I look back at how my last year was..
Its that time of the year again - when I look forward to how the next year would be..
Its that time of the year again - when I evaluate all the things that changed in the last year..
Its that time of the year again - when I speculate to myself if anything would be different in the next year..
Its that time of the year again - when I think of things that I would have done differently..
Its that time of the year again - my birthday, which happens on this day.

Yeah - its my birthday today. Yet another year passes bye in my life. There is no longer that thrill in life; there is no longer that excitement; nor is there that optimism. Its more or less that same old routine - work sleep work... Couple of my close friends called me up in the midnight to wish me; and my parents called me up in the morning to wish as well. But did I sense happiness of the day in their voice; or did I sense a feeling of hurt in their voice? They have all reasons to be hurt. Their son is fooling around when it comes to getting married; whereas all the others of his age have got married. Its an all indifferent a topic for me, as I am the only one who knows the pain involved when I tell them one lie after another to not get married. Hope God upstairs would understand the dilemma that I am having to go through.

On the occasion of my birthday today, I thought it would be a worthwhile exercise to have a flashback on what were the things that happened in my life in the last year. To be honest, last year was good - a job change that changed the financial aspect as well as the satisfaction index in the positive direction, a relationship though it failed to bloom gave me to feel what it was to be in love, reasonably stable situation back home, no problems with my friends.. All in all it was good. The one regret that I would have at this point of time would be that I am still to get into an active relationship. My body and mind craves for one; but am dead afraid of the consequences. Hence that emotional satisfaction which everyone craves for in life is not there as yet. I don't have any hopes of that happening any time soon either. I am trying to find happiness in things that I do; but happiness just runs away from me like a mirage in a desert. The closer I feel I am to it, the farther it goes away. Very tricky indeed. Is it that all my enthusiasm about perusing happiness fading away? Have I gone into a state of mind where I have accepted that happiness and me would never ever travel in the same boat? Scary thoughts.. But I guess I am very close to reaching that state of mind in life.

As this day is coming close, I have one regret.. My previous crush didn't even remember about my birthday. Has he become so busy in life that I have become absolutely irrelevant for him. I don't know how many times I would have looked into my phone hoping that a message from him would have come. How many times I would have hoped of seeing his name on the phone when my mobile rang? Nothing of that sort happened. I guess he has clearly moved on - and perhaps doesn't want my shadow on his life. Can fault him either. But why am I so worried about that? All these days I was trying to tell myself that it was a relationship that's completely over. But I guess its just an effort from me to convince myself. But deep inside, I think, I still love him.. crave for his attention.. hopes for his time. Those are things that would never happen, but still for some reason or the other, my mind is still dreaming.

One thing I realized in this birthday. I am pretty much lonely here. Apart from my parents and a couple of friends no one even thought I was relevant enough to remember my birthday. Its a sad realization; but something that I would have to accept. And probably live with it for the rest of my life. And so when almost everyone in this world forgot that its my birthday today, I cant do nothing else other than sing to myself "Happy Birthday to you.. Happy Birthday to you.." No cakes.. No candles.. No hugs.. No wishes.. No birthday bums.. Just me and my loneliness... celebrating what's a really a remorseful day.

Confessions Of A Distressed Mind

Yeah.. I am in a mood to keep on writing. That would in a way indicate that the mood is sober within me. As I approach the date marking yet another year pass bye in my life, I cant stop myself from looking at where I stand in life. Life looks so empty when you have to do things that you really don't want to do. There are times when one values someone in your life - someone whom you can call as your own; someone whom you would love with the whole of your heart; someone whom you can be just you without any apprehensions; someone whose smile can take away all your worries; someone who can share your pain reducing them to nothing; someone who can enjoy your success multiplying them to thousands. Probably marriage is an institution that provides you with someone like that. But what happens for someone like me; for whom marriage would be nothing less than a catastrophe - a complete mess up of lives of two individuals. I wanted to talk about the real me to my parents and to my friends; but never had the guts to tell them all. For my own satisfaction, I am confessing myself in this virtual world.

To be a queer is one of the hardest things in life. When equations of relationship and love with your dear and near comes up, it makes for an absolute mess. How nice would it have been if my parents were to accept what I am; and not force me into a marriage. The fact that such a scenario is never possible in my life makes my life nothing but miserable. To maintain the relationships, I have live a dual life; even if that means wedding for life to agony and disappointment. Maybe I am destined to be like that. God, why did you make me like this; and gave me a life that is devoid of happiness. Why did you take away my chance to be happy? Why did you destine me to be a lonely soul? Daily after office, when I get to my house, why is it that I enter into loneliness rather than happiness? Why is it that I don't get to have someone in my life whom I would call as my own? Why is it that I have been put into a situation where I might well have to live a life that I don't want to have? Why is it that I am having to live a life of lies? A whole host of questions, but I guess God would have seen something because of which I have ended up the way I am, and am having to live a life which I am living.

Right now I am listening to a Hindi song, whose first lines if I translate would be something like
Life gave me just sorrow throughout my life..
Whatever seasons came, were all seasons of sober..
How apt are those lines for my life? Maybe its a song that's written just for me. Indeed my life just gave me sorrow. On the face of it I am happy; reasonably good job; good family; exceptional friends. But below all of that, there is a barrage of sorrow that wipes me off my feet. I am becoming very weak emotionally. I feel as if I can crumble any moment. All the excitement in my life has long but vanished. And the only thing that remains is abject boredom. As my birthday approaches, I am asking myself a question - where am I headed to in life? Is this a life that gives nothing but disappointment.

To my parents and friends who care for me, this is something that I cant say to you on your face - "I am really sorry for telling all those lies about myself and me not having interest in getting married. I had to live myself in a heap of lies as I don't know how you would be reacting to all of that. I know you will never accept me the way I am; as you perceive them as clearly unacceptable. You are so very precious for me to be missed out. And when given a choice between remaining in a hidden world and loosing you, I will any day take remaining in the closet. If at some point of time you felt that I have let you down, I am really sorry. For me you are amongst the most important people around me, and will always remain that way."

As I am about to complete yet another year of what I can describe as a failure, I look back and ask to myself one simple question - "Is there anything bright looking at my life? Is there anyone for whom my presence makes a big difference?" Unfortunately for both these questions, I answer is a pitiful NO.

Retrospection

These days there is someone around me who insists on me thinking positive in life. He feels that my problems would just fade away if I started being less negative in life. Well worth a thought I guess - especially when someone insists so strongly on something. And that prompted me to get into the chain reaction of thoughts. Why is it that I have a sense of negativity attached to me? This time it was VM who who told this. A few days earlier, it was AJ who told me the same thing - that I am very negative in my outlook; that I always tend to go the negative way when anything is mentioned. If many people say the same thing about me, I should really be giving it a serious thought. Am I in love with negativity? One of the many questions that lie unanswered within me.

Why do I think negative in life? After a lot of thought, I got the feel that I am not becoming negative by choice; but rather by circumstance. When life gives you disappointments continuously one after the other, there is no way someone can be bullish about life. I cant be gung-ho about things unless there is a genuine feel within me which says that it indeed is the case. When every piece of your body and mind is weeping, there is no way the lips can smile. If anyone can do that, I would say he is an exceptional creation by God. When there is sadness around, how can one be positive and full of energy? When there is disappointment and despair around, how can one be smiling from heart? When there is loneliness around, how can one be jumping around as if he is the happiest on earth? At least I cant do that. As they say, one can fool the entire world; but there is no way on earth that he can fool himself. The least one should be faithful to is to oneself. I try to act quite a bit in front of others, try to smile when there is a gutted feeling within, try to laugh when my entire system wants me to cry - just for the sake of showing to others that I am all fine. But what is the point? What is it that I achieve by showing myself as someone else in front of others? Nothing I guess.

This loneliness in life is killing me. Life has become very monotonous. Its just curtailed to work and work from home. I am desperately in need of love; and with it a bit of life. My mind craves for that; but my brain stops me from doing so since my pursuit of happiness would hurt a whole lot of people whom I love and whom I care about. Its very weird - this life of mine. Neither am I happy living it, nor are other happy seeing me live this way. There are times when I would go to sleep thinking why is it that the society around me cant accept me the way I am. Why is it that I don't have the freedom of living my life. Probably the constraints of having to live in a society like ours. I don't have the tenacity to fight against the society for the way it looks at a lifestyle that I would like to have. The society brands it as unnatural. I clearly understand that a society that has evolved over thousands of years cant change its outlook overnight. But with a society that's very intolerant to everything that it perceives as wrong, I have nothing but the lightest of hope. The audacity of hope - that's the thing that drives me on in this life of distress and frustration. There is that hope and dream - that one day I might well be in a situation where I might be able to live my life without being haunted by the society.

I just cant stop myself from going back by an year in my life. This time last year, I was living a dream. Or should I say - I was living in a dream land. I was feeling for the first time what it was to be in love. Its a different story that it was a relationship that was never going to work out; a relationship that would exist only in dreams. But still I enjoyed every bit of it. Even while I knew that it was never going to work out, I dared to dream about it. I used to wander in my thoughts around him; dream about things that used to give me happiness; anticipate things from him that would take me to heights of happiness; plan about things that would make him excited. But one year down the lane, things have all changed. I am again a lonely soul, someone who still craves for a bit of love, someone who dreams about a bit of spice in life. Its a lost cause - this life; something that I have forgotten to live for myself, and while trying to live it for others, I have forgotten what I am.. who I am.. why I am..

I Have A Dream...

I got one video yesterday - the video of Martin Luther King delivering an address from the at the Lincoln Memorial, Washington DC; an address that changed the United States for ever. I was really captivated by the way the great man spoke, the way he made the adoring thousands go an an emotional ride of hope. Well and truly a great orator; and probably a great world leader that never came. I was so much attracted to the speech that I dug out the transcript of that speech. Needless to say, I was spell bound by the way he had expressed his views.

One line in that entire speech captured my imagination; and I felt that it holds true even today; in every stage of life. It went as:

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

How apt. Its not just the racial bias that requires a mention here. There is a bias that exists in the society against the ethos of what an individual is. I am scared to tell others what I am; since I am sure that our society agrees to the view that I should be allowed to live the way I am. The fact that I am not straight would most probably be interpreted as me being a pervert. Many a times I feel that by living this dual life, I am messing up everything in my life. But even after know that, I still go on the same way as I am left out with no options in life. That's where I would like to yell out to the world the same line what Martin Luther King spoke out. I don't have the conviction of King in making this dream come true, but I do hope it comes through at some point of time. And at that moment, I would tell the same lines that Martin Luther King used to finish his address:

"Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Its on hope that the world moves on... So do I...

Wrong Expectations

Why do people start expecting things from others? The very moment people start expecting things, be rest assured that some disappointment is on the way. Its an experience that I have had quite a few times in my life; but still never learned lesions out it. I still try to expect things out of others. invariably ending up in utter disappointment. Every time I have that sort of an experience, I tell to myself that this was the last time that I would be expecting something from anyone. But that resolution, like many, very rarely lasts. I get back to the same old position much faster than the time I took to take a resolution in life. There has always been this tendency in me to put my everything emotionally to people whom I am attached to. Probably what they call as no half measures in emotional attachment. Its all fine till that point. But the moment I star expecting the other side as well to respond to me in the same way, I am inviting trouble. And troubles always had a big emotional bonding with me; they come flying to me any given point of time. Probably at this point of life, if there was anyone whom I can call as my soul-mate, it would be "troubles"; because its there with be 24 hours a day, 365 days an year.

The premise to all of these is an interesting piece of conversation that I had with an extremely close friend of mine. We were talking about something, and then I was trying put forth my view about it. Maybe I was aggressive in putting in that; and he naturally got agitated with it all. It came in as bit of a shock for me - the way he responded; as for long I have known him from very close quarters as a very soft spoken person. I tried to introspect as to why something like that happened? And the answer that I found pointed me to the same old problem. I was expecting him to go my way; when I had no right in expecting so. After all its his life. He needs to live it the way he feels satisfied; and not the way I think he should live. Old habits die very slowly I guess. At least now I should change myself. Otherwise I would end up loosing the very little friends that I have as well.

They say - to make mistakes is human, but to repeat mistakes is criminal. Hmm.. when will I learn???

My New Chat Friend..

Ever since I took internet at home, I have been browsing quite a lot; chatting quite a lot. It was during one of these chats that I came across someone - lets call him VM. very interesting chap I should say. Slightly older than me; but surprisingly the wavelengths matches quite a bit. There was an amazing level of similarity in our thought process; and time just flies bye when we are together. I don't know if he as well feels the same way about me, but for me, I wait all day for that few precious time every night before I sleep, where I get to spend some time with him. We talk about everything - and I feel pretty comfortable in talking openly with him. Many a times, it takes an eternity to find a person affable; but in his case, I liked this guy from the word go. We are in two different cities - far off, with almost no chance of bumping against each other. Probably that sense of anonymity that the internet gives have fastened the way I came close to him. In a very short span of time he has become some sort of a mirror for me. A very keen listener, he somehow manages to be with me and suffer all the bull shit that I vent out.

VM is in a relationship for almost seven years now; and I can sense that he loves his partner quite a bit. I ask questions about him and his partner, I don't know why... neither do I know if its correct to ask about them. But I still have that want to know more about them. Probably I am trying to find happiness seeing him and his partner happy. When you don't get what you want, the next best thing that you can hope for is to feel oneself happy seeing others happy. That's probably what I am doing with him. In a very short span of time, I find myself really close to him. Not sure if he looks at it as a burden or something else. I hope he too enjoys my company, and I am not boring him.

Work as usual is becoming hectic. I feel like I want a break; probably an outing over the weekend to charge my batteries. Yesterday my old crush called me after quite some time. He is feeling really happy about things; especially after his long term dream of migrating to the US having come true. He wanted it really badly, and now that he has got it, there is every reason for him to feel happy about it. Good for him. He might be moving on by the end of this year. After I talked with him, and came to know about this, I cant stop myself thinking how I would have reacted to this news had we been in some sort of a relationship. I would have been shattered at this news of leaving him. Probably God knew that something like this would happen; and that could be the reason why we never made it in a relationship. As they say - whatever happens, happens for good. Was there a tinge of disappointment within me when he said that to me? Probably there was. I still consider not having him as a loss that I had in my life. So he is moving on in his life. And that should probably close all windows within me as far as having a relationship with him is concerned. Good luck my dear. Hope your life has lots and lots of happiness.

This weekend is yet again a working weekend. Most of the time I will working from my home. This has become more like a routine in my life. It just keeps on happening. VM also wont be available online over the weekend. I want to watch a movie. But there is not even a single half decent movie these days. Probably I would have to confine myself to the IPL games.

Sill In The Cold Storage

Every once in a while I get suffocated by the secretive life that I am having to endure; and think that the best way out of it would be to make myself break free from all these. Even in the past couple of days, I felt like talking about myself to my friends, telling them what I am; and hope that they would understand the reasons for me being the way I am. But as usual, every time I want to express myself, something or the other happens which would stop me from doing so. And then all my enthusiasm of getting out of this emotional cobweb just drifts away. Predominantly, its the feeling of loosing someone very close that stops me from doing so.

Something similar happened over the weekend. I was mentally preparing myself to open myself up in front of my best buddies. Then coincidentally we happened to see the movie "Life In a Metro" on DVD. There is a small sequence in that movie where one of the insignificant characters happens to be a gay and is manipulating the heroine of the movie for escaping from a marriage as per his parent's wish. All of a sudden, the discussion on the room started on how gross a homosexual can be; and I could see an element of absolute contempt in them. They were passing out statements on how much unacceptable this entire thing is. With a lot of pain I realized that my close buddies would never be able to accept what I am, and I would eventually have to choose between what I am and my friends. This was an unacceptable choice for me; and the obvious happened. The planned "coming-out" was put back into the cold storage.

Later that night, while I was lying on my bed, I was thinking about why these things happen. My friends are not the uneducated, narrow minded people. But their intolerance to what they perceive as unnatural was a bit too much for me to understand. What is the reason behind the hate there? Why cant they tolerate this happening to someone around them? Is it the cultural fabric which engulfs us stopping them from accepting homosexuality as something natural; or is it plain ignorance? I don't have an answer to these questions. As I slowly went into a sleep, I was hoping - just hoping that some day or the other they would understand what it is to be a gay; and probably then I can open myself to them. Till then, I guess its staying in the cold storage stuff for me.

A New Start...

Well, time is just flying bye at work these days.. Nothing else happens. In a way thats good; because now very rarely do I drift myself into the depressing thoughts. Its gone to such an extend that he very rarely comes to my mind. And that in itself is welcome development; not because I no longer love him, but because I dont want myself to go through the pains again. I want to start my life fresh. And I guess I deserve a bit more happiness in my life.

In between the work, whatever little time I get, I have decided to use it in a better way. Probably read books; that was something that I used to do in a very big way earlier; but that has gone off the radar off late. I would have to start getting back into those good habits. And maybe spend a little bit more time with my friends. They are probably the ones that would have understood me the best; and they deserve a bit more time from me. I have heard someone say to me long time back - life is only as complex as what you want it to be. Maybe I need to give it a shot in looking at life a bit more simplistically. Who knows, all these cobwebs that are there in my mind might just fade away. Atleast I hope it would.

Last week I caught up with a couple of my old friends over phone. It felt really good while talking with them. It made me happy; some good memories came back. I think i should be in touch with them a bit more frequently than what I am doing as of now. I would have talked with them after a gap of six months probably. I was very excited to say the least.. We talked for about an hour or so. Some of those things that we spoke might have been repetitive. But who cares? I was happy, so were they. Thats all what matters in the end.

I Am Back..

I am back - back in the blogging world after a long time. And I am surprised at how much the world around has changed. My life has taken a complete u-turn. I have lost all those things that I cherished and dreamed. The person whom I dreamed of as the person who would be the one who changes my life for ever, has long vanished. Now we are just friends - its easily said than done. When you loose something that you desperately wanted, you actually realize the value of it. Luckily for me, I have somehow managed to get over the entire trauma. Now no longer does he come in my dreams as the person whom I desperately want, no longer do my thoughts wander around him. One will have to admit that time is indeed a great healer. Initially the separation was very painful - but with time, things changed. Even though there are those times when my mind would desperately want him, I am able to get over it. I have resigned to the fact that I would never have him in my life - then why should I dream about him for no reason.

I have a big urge within me to go forward in life. There is that desperation lingering within that would say to me - go and find someone for yourself. I want it as well, but am afraid. I want to go around and meet someone whom I believe would make a change in the way I live; but my inhibitions stops me from doing so. Its a fine line that I am having to travel through. On one side I want to find my love, my partner in life; on the other I have my apprehensions regarding it. It sounds a bit too stupid - doesn't it? But then, my life is just a collection of stupidities. There would be no doubt that I would be among the most impractical and boring persons around.

I want a fresh start in my life - something that would take away this sense of loneliness that I am enduring. But will that happen? Will I find my love? Or will I have to marry someone and live a dual life for ever - one that I live for others, another one that I live within myself for myself. Ahh.. in that case this life is just going to be just absolute misery...

Fear At its Worst

Last couple of days have been very tense for me. And strange enough, it had nothing to do with my work. Forgot when was the last time I told something like that. It was my problematic knee that was was the reason behind the worry. It started swelling all of a sudden from Sunday, and by Monday the pain was becoming absolutely unbearable. Hence decided to go and see a doctor. Told him about my state, and he was worried as well - maybe slightly tense is the word I should be using. He was adamant that I should go and see the doctor without any delay. He found the the name of one good doctor from one of his friends, and I set about limping to the hospital on Monday evening. The doctor whom he suggested was not present that day, and I had to see some other doctor. When someone gets a swollen knee without any injuries, falls and accidents, its a cause for worry. The doctor also was confused for the reason why I am in such a state. A whole lot of blood tests followed to see if I had any arthritis problems, and I was asked to come back on Tuesday.

Ever since I left the hospital on Monday evening, I was tense.. For the first time I was scared. The reaction and the puzzled look on the doctor's face made me very nervous. I was not able to do anything. I tried to sleep, but couldn't. I tried to walk around, but was nervous again. I kept on thinking what I would do if things are really bad. A whole range of thoughts came storming into my mind, and I was confused - confused to the core. He called me some time in the night. But for the first time, even his voice was not good enough to ease me.Finally I forced myself into the bed, trying to sleep - all in vain. Towards the end of it all, I started telling myself that I would take in whatever that might come.

All of Tuesday in office I was tense. He was sending me mails every once in a while, but that was no way helping me to ease my tensions. I was just waiting for time to come for me to go and see the doctor. It was getting into hugely frustrating proportions. And eventually I got to see him. To my greatest relief, all my blood tests came negative. But then the question came up from where is the swelling coming from. He asked for an X-ray, and that's where things started to come out. It seems that there is a growth in my knees. The doctor asked me to do a scan as well, before he comes to a conclusion. If his theory is correct, I would have to do a surgery. Umm.. that's something that I definitely don't want to do. I am so scared of that. I have been asked to see the doctor again on Friday, to decide on what needs to be done. He says that surgery shouldn't be an issue and I shouldn't worry about it. But somehow I am dead afraid.

So that takes me back to square one. Things are as unclear as it was earlier. What will I do if I am do undergo a surgery? What about my work? I don't know.. All these have left me now with more questions than answers.... :-(

Finally We Met

This was a weekend that I was waiting for a long time.. Finally I got to see him. We would have talked a 100 times.. we would have smsed a 100 times.. we would have mailed a 100 times.. But nothing was even remotely close to seeing him in person. I would have to admit that I was a bit tense. Tense about whether he would like me or not.. whether I would be the person that he had in his mind.. whether I am dreaming unnecessarily or not. But then Saturday came. We agreed to meet up, just to see each other perhaps. It was decided almost a week back, and I was literally counting the days till Saturday came. The d-day so to speak.

We were planning to meet at around 6 in one of the busiest malls in the city. I had a bit of pending work in office, and was at work during the day time. Then an emergency came, and I had to go to the mall at around 5 itself. I messaged him saying that I was about to be there in the mall at 5. But he was with his friend at an other part of the city. That meant that I was to be alone in that mall. Its a strange feeling when you are alone there.. Everyone to be seen there had some company or the other. I was waiting there staring at the people who were having some fun in the company of the people whom they were with. My wait went on and on.. Couple of times he called me up saying that he would be late, as he was stuck in traffic. Slowly I was getting a feeling that my wait might just be something in vain. Does he really want to see me or what? Doubts started coming in as usual.. I didn't know what to do now -- should I head home, or wait for some more time. I was sure from within that I would completely break down if he doesn't come up. What better place than my house for the breakdown? I didn't want the world to see my agony.

When you are madly in love with someone, the way in which I am, you go beyond your senses in doing things. Even when I had that sinking feeling within me that I might be waiting for something very illusive, I didn't want to go.. I just wanted to wait that extra minute.. that extra half-an-hour.. in the hope that he would come. This wait was killing me. As I stood in the second floor of that big mall seeing thousands walk bye, I realized I might still be very much lonely in my life.. The person whom I was madly waiting for all these months may decide to give it a skip. I decided to get into the comfort of the books at that point of time. I was dead upset, and needed something to get off the bunch of emotions that I was getting tied to.. Books are something that have always managed to change my moods. Got into the biographies and international sections of one of the biggest bookstalls in the city.

Time passed bye, and I had decided on the books that I was going to buy. While I was in the queue at the bills counter paying for the books that I had bought, I got a call from him. Finally he was in.. All my fears were just my whims.. I was trying to make a mountain out of a mould. Why am I so insecure about my relationships? Maybe the fact that I never had one could be the reason for that. My heartbeats were racing along... If we were to map those heartbeats into some speedometer of a car, it would have seen to be like a car accelerating on an isolated highway.. I was looking forward to the direction that he was supposed to come.. And finally there he was.. with a warm smile on his face.. The face that I had been longing for such a long long time. I didn't know what to do.. Every inch of my body was excited seeing him. Did I have some goose pimples.. Maybe there were. We recognized each other soon, as we had seen each other on photos. He came to me standing in the line.. shook hands.. and there was his killing smile.. He had a look at the books that I was having in my hands, and said he would wait outside while I pay off the bills.

Once I paid off the bills, I went out, impatiently looking out for him. He might have been somewhere outside doing something. I waited outside for him again, and there he was reappearing from the crowds with that killer smile on his lips. The next one hour or so was perhaps the best time in my life for a long long time. We talked and talked and talked. He took me to his favorite ice-cream shop, and we had some ice creams. Who cared about having an ice creams in that cold night.. I didn't.. I was just too happy to be with him. I was just staring at the person whom I was waiting to see for such a long time, and I couldn't believe what was happening with me.. Maybe I might have behaved a bit odd in the way I was upto him, because I could see him as well bemused at the way I was behaving. And then it was time to go.

As we walked towards his car, a whole host of thoughts were running through my mind.. Why didn't he come a bit earlier in my life.. when there would have been absolutely nothing that would stop him from being mine, and me from being his.. I was answering things to whatever he was asking, but my mind was elsewhere. Why is it that things don't happen properly in my life? He is the first person whom I have fallen in love to.. but the sad part of it all is that we might never be together. I am destined to be the person in waiting for him for the rest of my life.. Its a destiny of choice by me.. Something that I hope I would do any time for him. As he stopped his car in front of the last curve to my house, I didn't know what to speak.. That beautiful little passage of time was coming to an end. Was there a bit of a tear in my eyes?? Maybe there was.. Is it possible for time to get stagnant at this point of time? Is it possible that there is an endless torrent, that would take me to the world of my dreams... There wont. As I said bye to him did I want to kiss him good bye.. I definitely did. That might perhaps be one thing that I would never be able to do in my life.. But then, God has given me only this small bit of happiness with him.. That's what God has destined for me.. Who am I to challenge it.. I will wait.. wait for the day when I will get him. If God has mercy on me, that would happen.. else it would be a never ending wait that would end only when the last breath is taken away from me.. Thanks my dear.. Thanks a lot for bringing in some happiness in my life.. Thanks for making me realize what it is to be in love.....

Pasted Smiles

One of the most depressing and difficult things to do in life is to act cool when things are after all not that cool in life. Right now I don't know how many hats I am wearing simultaneously - hats which I don't know if it is going to make any sense at all. The difficulty in pasting a smile on your face when you are bleeding badly within is something beyond words. To laugh when your heart is crying.. To enjoy when the mind is depressed.. To murmur a song on your lips when every possible part of you is weeping.. These are things that take a whole lot out of you. And I doing exactly that now. Don't know how long I will have to live this sort of life.. When will happiness finally come to my face??

The harsh realities in life is teaching me ways to live in the harshest possible way. Every day when I talk to him, there is agony within me - something that comes with the realization that he doesn't want things the way I want, but still manages to put up a smile, an odd laugh, a rare piece of that 'cool feeling'. At least those moments when I talk to him are the ones I wait for all day, and when they come, its like a downpour of emotions. But deep within me, I am crying. Is there no one around to see that I am crying? Is there no one around to understand that my heart is bleeding? Perhaps not.. That's the curse of my life. There are people around me, but are there anyone really around.. I don't know how long I would be able to live this kind of a life. There is a limit to which I can stretch myself to. Beyond that, it becomes a life that has no virtue..

Why didn't you come into my life a bit more earlier? Some time before when there were no constraints on you.. Sometime back when you could have been all mine.. Sometime back when there would have been no force on earth that would have stopped both of us being together.. Maybe I am just not destined to have you in my life. I love you more than what words can tell, what actions can express. I guess this is something that will remain for ever in my life, and probably never end.. This is spark that will be there within me for ever - as long as I am alive. You will always be there within me - even if you don't want to have any such feelings for me. Its life of distress and disappointment that I have chosen; but I will take it any day. I just cant imagine anyone else in your place in my heart. If the destiny takes us to a place where both of us have stakes for each other, so be it.. If not, I'll wait.. for the rest of my life...

Crossroads in Life

I am feeling very much drained out - in every sense of the word. Things are getting very hectic at office. Add to that all the emotional baggage that I am carrying forward. Things have changed a whole lot in the past few days. He very clearly said to me that he doesn't want a relationship in the lines of what I was hoping for. That almost completely has destroyed that beautiful dream in which I was living in. I have been brought down crashing into the harsh real world. I feel as if there is now a big vacuum in my life. Its like a balloon that gets burst out all of a sudden, and the only thing that remains with you are a pieces of rubber which is completely useless. Though I agreed to him that I wont look at him from the point of view of a relationship, its getting almost impossible for me to get out of. After all a human mind is not like a switch which you can turn on and off. At least mine is not. Its a suffocating feeling. Why is it that happiness is not at all coming my way? Or is it that I don't deserve good things in life. I don't know..

I find myself in the crossroads of my life - a stage where everything looks so bleak. The situation that I find myself in forces me to look at life in the most cynical way possible. No matter how pragmatic a person is, rejection always hurts. When he said he doesn't want to look at me from the point of view of relationship, it was as if something went through my heart. It felt like earth moving from under my feet. When all the dreams fall into tatters right in front of your eyes, the grief that accompanies it is not something that you can put in words. I don't know what state of mind I was in at that point of time. Its been four or five days since this happened, and even now I haven't got out of it.. Not sure if I will ever get out of it either..

Now that leads to the question what about me and my relations with him. Is it ever possible for me to look at him in a different way? I guess never. Its so very difficult to forget your first love. He is my first love.. and probably my last love as well. I don't think someone else will ever occupy his space in my mind. Tough decisions on my life has to be taken. I have decided to open up to my parents.. tell them what I am, and the reasons why I wont go ahead and do a marriage. Then what? That's the question that haunts me a lot as well. I believe in destiny. If destiny says and the God wants it that way, I will definitely get him some day or the other. If not, I would like to believe that my destiny doesn't have him written for me.. But I will wait.. As long as there is life in my body, I'll wait. I don't think its possible for me to se anyone else in his place.. He is there in my mind for ever, and that would probably go away only with my death... whenever it may happen.. Just one question to God.. Is there no happiness that's destined for me??

Back After A Break

Back to the blogging world after a bit of a break.. And it was certainly a break that was having volcanic proportions. A lot of things changed in between. For the first time in my relationship with him, I admitted to him that I am having a crush on him. If I say that he was taken aback by that statement of mine would be a thorough understatement. He doesn't want anything of that sort between us. He wants us to be extreme friends, and nothing else. Jeez.. it was so difficult when I heard it the first time. But then, there is no way I can find any fault in him. After all he is having a family, which he cherishes so dearly. It was my mistake that I opened myself to him in that way. After all this was something that was bound to be there only within me. There was no reason for me to say what I feel to him. When I look back, it was a day of complete madness - a day when I was not in my senses, a day when I lost control of my heart, and said things to him that I shouldn't have. Maybe I got overwhelmed by emotions, and I ended messing up something that was so special for me. Hope our relationship is strong enough to withstand that foolishness of mine. There have been lots of times when some foolishness from my part has resulted in relationships being broken. The sad part of it all is that even after all these bad experiences, I haven't learned. I haven't learned how to make a relationship, and protect it. More often than not, I get carried away, don't think of the sensitivies of others and make stupid decisions which make an irreversible damage to a relationship. I just hope and pray with all my heart that this is not yet another causality of my stupidity - because this is one relationship that I value the most. Something that I would give anything to protect.

Spent the weekend back home. Can't say that I spent it with my parents, since I was outside for most of the times. As expected my marriage was one of the most prominent subjects of discussion while I was there. These are the times when I feel like telling the truth about me to them. But then, the fact that they may not be able to accept the reality stops me from telling it to them. From they way they are speaking, it sounds as if they are kind-of desperate to see me get married. This time things seems to be getting out of my hands with my uncles as well getting involved in the entire thing. Maybe its time to tell it to them. At least that would bring an end to the false hope that they are having upon me. Its one of the biggest crimes from me that I am making them remain in a world of false hopes. But somehow I am not getting the guts to tell it to them. I am afraid of the possibility that they will completely disown me, and I would be left alone in this world. There would be absolutely no virtue for my life after that. Its in a complete mess - in every sense of the word.

Things are getting a bit too hectic at work as well. Lots of work is pending upon me, and it will take some effort to get them done in time. Looks like my late nigthers are coming back with a vengeance. One thing that I have realized as of now is that I need to be a bit more organized. Otherwise there are nightmares that are coming up for me. I can see them in the horizon. Somehow I need to work a way out of all of these. I don't know how I am going to do this. But then, that is the challenge that I have this year. If I get the better of this, I would count it one of my biggest accomplishments at work. Everything poses a challenge of its own, and this one is no different. It all depends on how I am able to tackle it.

My guys are also having a tough time - especially MS. He is having to put in lots of late nighters these days, since he has a delivery some time next week. AR also is having a bad time at office - both due to his work and his manager. AJ as always is busy - no surprises there. In all the hustle and bustle of life, are we guys missing out on the good times? I feel so. Maybe once the hectic times at work are done with, we should all go out, have a nice time together. That is when all of us enjoys our life the most. There is one more problem that has come up in front of me. My parents want to come over to this place, and that would require me to move out of the current house. Its becoming so difficult even to say to AR about moving out. After staying together for so many years, its always difficult. But then that's life, isn't it? There are times in life when you have to bite the bullet. In all probability, this is one of them.

It Is His Birthday Today

Well, its the day when my man celebrates the anniversary of his arrival to the face of the earth. And that will always bring in a smile on the faces, right? Birthdays are very special in that respect. It brings in a smile on the faces of people even if they are exceedingly depressed. There is a charm on the face of the people on their birthdays. Maybe its the hope of a better tomorrow that brings in that smile. Whatever be it, birthdays are always something very good.

I SMSed him at midnight. Had put a reminder on my mobile, and I had to stay late to read something. Hence it was not a problem. Called him in the morning once I reached office. Just like what it was on my birthday, his phone was engaged. He called me back in no time. And then I wished him. Jeez, I was blushing when I wished him. Probably he is the only person whom I would have wished with so much of heart. Hope he gets all the good things in his life, and is happy for life.

Guess he was bit busy all day, because of which he didn't check the mail that I had sent him. In that mail I had given the link of the flash movie that I had created for him. He sounded very pleased [contrary to what I had expected] looking at it. There was no more explicit way in which I could spell out how much I love him. My dear I love you more than myself..

This is the poem that I had written for him. Got the skeleton from some website; did some surgery on that, and my song for him was in place.

Somewhere the sun is shining, and the clouds are not in sight
Somewhere someone's laughing, and talking about what might
What might be another year, for us to spend together
What might be another time, that I could cherish forever.

Somewhere two people laugh and joke, and carry on all day
Talk about their past and future, in an extraordinary way
They talk about the last few years, and how they made a bond
They found it funny they both were different, but both especially fond.

They found it funny they both were different, but both especially fond
A friend to tell of all your worries, if ever you were blue
To trust with all my secrets, and keeping yours close to heart
Knowing you will comfort me, with heart and with soul.

Somewhere the sun is shining, and we will meet again
Become the friends we always were, and talk about what's been
Although far away, I know you're here, to help me through hard times
Help me make the right decisions, when I don't see the signs.

Somewhere the sun is shining, and you will be in my heart
For you are more than a friend to me, and we shall never part
This is the time to let you know, how much I really care
I love you, no matter what, and cherish the moments that we shared.

But today my dear is your day, the day when all happiness pour on you
May that smile remain with you for ever, making everyone else smile
May your life be filled with joy, bringing happiness to everyone around
And once again with all my heart, all the very best returns for the day.

A Special Week

After a weekend where you spend most of the time in office itself, it is a horrible feeling that you have when you come to office on a Monday morning. There is no refreshment in the air. On the contrary, you feel exhausted; with absolutely no energy to carry on. When you are drained off everything that you have, there is a lot left to be desired. It was something similar today morning. I decided to create a to-do list so that I can be a bit methodical in the way I do things. The sad fact was that the list was pretty big, and by the end of the day I had reached no where. More than half of the things in that to-do list have to be taken forward to the next day. A flop start in every sense of the word. But as they say- something is better than nothing. Maybe I can build on from here. I want to be organized at work; since next month would see me really pushed to all corners.

Yesterday night we went to the mall, did some shopping for my little cousins. Boy, these kids wear is a bit too expensive. I guess the theory that these people in the shops seem to follow is that lesser the size of the cloth, the more expensive it is. Otherwise how can I explain that a small t-shirt was costing me around 300. I think that the mens wear was less expensive than this. Anyways this is for the kids that I love the most; hence any money is less for them. Once all the shopping was done, we had some very good Hyderabadi biryaani. Umm.. That tasted Oh so good. The memory of that taste still waters my mouth. And by the time we reached home, I was completely exhausted.

Tomorrow is my love's birthday. I wrote a poem for him. Got a skeleton from the net, modified it according to what I felt. Sounds absolutely stupid. But anything for him. Used this poem in one of the online flash movie creations, and created something for him. Because of the work that I had to do over last week and the whole of the weekend, there was no beautifications done on that. Its looks novice. Not sure if he would like it; and hence in a doubt if I should tell about this to him. Anyway I don't want that effort to go waste. Hence I might send the link over to him with the apologies. Hope he will understand me. He will definitely use this to pull my legs. But still, if that makes him happy, I will do anything for him. I have set a reminder at midnight tonight for wishing him. I will SMS him probably. This is a moment that he would want to spend with his wife; I don't want to get into the picture there.... Hope all the happiness comes down to him.. :-)

Weekend In Office

One of the worst things that can happen is to be in office on a weekend. It sounds surprising that such a statement has come from me; especially after all the weekends and nightouts that I had in office in the last year. But ever since 2007 started, I have made a deliberate effort to stay as less as possible in office. And as a result of that, I have been to office very rarely - maybe around 5-6 times in the whole of the year so far. But today I am having to be in the office. There is lots of pending work that needs to be completed before my boss has to change the nature of his face. Came over hoping that I will make some head-way. But nothing happened. I am exactly where I was yesterday night. Hopefully the next week would be better for me at work. Now I am feeling really tired. Just want to go home, and take some rest.

There will be the weekend getto that happens in our place tonight. The last time we had this getto, there was that altercation with MS. I am really afraid something like that will happen again. Hope its just my fear. I am taking a whole lot of print-outs as well home. If I get some time, I will read it tomorrow. [The chances for that is very less though. I get very lazy when I reach home :-(]

For my love, this is the last weekend he is going to spend with his wife before she goes home. Hope everything goes fine for her. My man has been anxiously waiting for things to happen for a long time. Just hope that things go really well for him, and just that he is happy in every moment of his life. Didnt want to call him, eventhough there is a huge urge in me to do so.. No.. I dont want to be a character between him and his wife.

One more tragedy happened today. I was preparing a flash movie for my love - to give him as a surprise present. But unfortunately now I am not able to see it from my place. That plan has to be dropped now. Very bad....

Down With Illness..

Past couple of days haven't been great for me. Work is piling up in a big way; and to make matters worse, I am not really feeling well. I am having to go through a bout of fever, cough and cold. This is the kind of stuff that I hate the most. You are neither completely in; not completely out. Feel absolutely exhausted in every sense of the word. But at the same time, due to the amount of work that is pending, I am having to come to office as well. And the person who makes my times in office so very special and happy is busy with his work as well. He seems to be really tied up with work. That meant very less number of mails, and very less interaction. I crave for his mail all day, but very rarely it comes. He is not the sort of bloke who would find reasons not to send me mails. He should be really really busy. But during the days that he is busy, my day is such a drag.

When he is not available for me, I cant stop myself from thinking if I am walking towards a disaster. Though I opened myself up to him that I am indeed having some very strong feelings towards him, I am not sure if he actually feels that it is the case. Guess he still feels that its just my whim or a fantasy that I have towards him. Gosh, I love this guy like mad; and find myself in a situation where I am not able to look at anything else. And if he is turning a cold feet towards me, I don't know if I would be able to take it in.

Yesterday over the phone when I talked to mummy, I mentioned to her that I am not interested in getting married. She was shocked, agitated and God knows what else. She was asking for my logic behind the decision. How can I tell that to her? She still lives in a world where being a queer is one of the biggest crimes around. I am sure she wont be able to understand the reason behind my decision. Its all going haywire. I definitely don't want to live a hidden life - where I want something, and I do exactly the opposite. So marriage is ruled out. I am still contemplating telling the truth to her when I am at home. The biggest worry that stops me from doing so is my doubts on whether she would be able to take it in or not. God, please help me in this.

Saw the photo of the girl that MS is supposed to get married to. She is cute. Looks almost like him itself. Both of them will form a very good match. Now I want to see AR as well get married. He is really a bit upset at heart on not being able to find a girl. As they say, everything has a time associated with it. We all need to wait for the right time to come, and when it comes everything will happen without hindrance. Hope AR's time come up soon.

I am feeling very tired now; probably would go home and take some rest...

Bad Times

Some people always enjoy the best that life has to offer
Its not because more good things come their way
Its because they find good and enjoy the good in whatever that comes their way

This was a message that I received in one of the forwards that I got today. It makes a lot of sense, isn't it? At least for me it does. More often than not, there is an element of negativity in whatever I see; and because of that I feel that I am always hard-done. I feel as if things are not working the way I want it to work. But the reality might be something entirely different. How about looking at things as if they are really good; and maybe be happy at it? Maybe I should try doing it that way. Then my world might be a lot more better than what I perceive it to be.

Its been a hard time off late at office. Work is pending; things are not going as intended; and my efforts are not materializing as well. My instant relief which is his mails that come in once in a while, which used to refresh me up in all possible ways, have also dried up in the last couple of days or so. He also seems to be in the middle of some very hectic times, and is having to slog it out in the office. Even though I tease him about his slogging with implications that he should be willing to do it more, deep inside me I hope that he is relaxed. He enjoys being relaxed, and that is when he is at his best. The one-liners come out in its full flow, and the smallest thing that he does is sufficient for me to get back to the best of my moods; no matter how bad a mood I am in. Really I am missing him a lot these days. Hope his hectic times at work come to an end as soon as possible, and I can get back the person whom I absolutely adore.

Things are not going well for my guys as well. AJ is still struggling with a sour throat, while AR seems to be having a huge number of mouth ulcers to fight against. MS was supposed to come back yesterday night, but had to postpone it since his sister had an accident. He called me up and we talked for quite a long period yesterday night. I feel that all the anger he had towards me after that incident a couple of weekends back would have waned off by now. He is supposed to reach back here by tomorrow morning. Well, bad times seems to be following each one of us. Hope all these things go off soon, and we can all get back to the good times that we were in earlier.