The Real Me

Fear At its Worst

Last couple of days have been very tense for me. And strange enough, it had nothing to do with my work. Forgot when was the last time I told something like that. It was my problematic knee that was was the reason behind the worry. It started swelling all of a sudden from Sunday, and by Monday the pain was becoming absolutely unbearable. Hence decided to go and see a doctor. Told him about my state, and he was worried as well - maybe slightly tense is the word I should be using. He was adamant that I should go and see the doctor without any delay. He found the the name of one good doctor from one of his friends, and I set about limping to the hospital on Monday evening. The doctor whom he suggested was not present that day, and I had to see some other doctor. When someone gets a swollen knee without any injuries, falls and accidents, its a cause for worry. The doctor also was confused for the reason why I am in such a state. A whole lot of blood tests followed to see if I had any arthritis problems, and I was asked to come back on Tuesday.

Ever since I left the hospital on Monday evening, I was tense.. For the first time I was scared. The reaction and the puzzled look on the doctor's face made me very nervous. I was not able to do anything. I tried to sleep, but couldn't. I tried to walk around, but was nervous again. I kept on thinking what I would do if things are really bad. A whole range of thoughts came storming into my mind, and I was confused - confused to the core. He called me some time in the night. But for the first time, even his voice was not good enough to ease me.Finally I forced myself into the bed, trying to sleep - all in vain. Towards the end of it all, I started telling myself that I would take in whatever that might come.

All of Tuesday in office I was tense. He was sending me mails every once in a while, but that was no way helping me to ease my tensions. I was just waiting for time to come for me to go and see the doctor. It was getting into hugely frustrating proportions. And eventually I got to see him. To my greatest relief, all my blood tests came negative. But then the question came up from where is the swelling coming from. He asked for an X-ray, and that's where things started to come out. It seems that there is a growth in my knees. The doctor asked me to do a scan as well, before he comes to a conclusion. If his theory is correct, I would have to do a surgery. Umm.. that's something that I definitely don't want to do. I am so scared of that. I have been asked to see the doctor again on Friday, to decide on what needs to be done. He says that surgery shouldn't be an issue and I shouldn't worry about it. But somehow I am dead afraid.

So that takes me back to square one. Things are as unclear as it was earlier. What will I do if I am do undergo a surgery? What about my work? I don't know.. All these have left me now with more questions than answers.... :-(

Finally We Met

This was a weekend that I was waiting for a long time.. Finally I got to see him. We would have talked a 100 times.. we would have smsed a 100 times.. we would have mailed a 100 times.. But nothing was even remotely close to seeing him in person. I would have to admit that I was a bit tense. Tense about whether he would like me or not.. whether I would be the person that he had in his mind.. whether I am dreaming unnecessarily or not. But then Saturday came. We agreed to meet up, just to see each other perhaps. It was decided almost a week back, and I was literally counting the days till Saturday came. The d-day so to speak.

We were planning to meet at around 6 in one of the busiest malls in the city. I had a bit of pending work in office, and was at work during the day time. Then an emergency came, and I had to go to the mall at around 5 itself. I messaged him saying that I was about to be there in the mall at 5. But he was with his friend at an other part of the city. That meant that I was to be alone in that mall. Its a strange feeling when you are alone there.. Everyone to be seen there had some company or the other. I was waiting there staring at the people who were having some fun in the company of the people whom they were with. My wait went on and on.. Couple of times he called me up saying that he would be late, as he was stuck in traffic. Slowly I was getting a feeling that my wait might just be something in vain. Does he really want to see me or what? Doubts started coming in as usual.. I didn't know what to do now -- should I head home, or wait for some more time. I was sure from within that I would completely break down if he doesn't come up. What better place than my house for the breakdown? I didn't want the world to see my agony.

When you are madly in love with someone, the way in which I am, you go beyond your senses in doing things. Even when I had that sinking feeling within me that I might be waiting for something very illusive, I didn't want to go.. I just wanted to wait that extra minute.. that extra half-an-hour.. in the hope that he would come. This wait was killing me. As I stood in the second floor of that big mall seeing thousands walk bye, I realized I might still be very much lonely in my life.. The person whom I was madly waiting for all these months may decide to give it a skip. I decided to get into the comfort of the books at that point of time. I was dead upset, and needed something to get off the bunch of emotions that I was getting tied to.. Books are something that have always managed to change my moods. Got into the biographies and international sections of one of the biggest bookstalls in the city.

Time passed bye, and I had decided on the books that I was going to buy. While I was in the queue at the bills counter paying for the books that I had bought, I got a call from him. Finally he was in.. All my fears were just my whims.. I was trying to make a mountain out of a mould. Why am I so insecure about my relationships? Maybe the fact that I never had one could be the reason for that. My heartbeats were racing along... If we were to map those heartbeats into some speedometer of a car, it would have seen to be like a car accelerating on an isolated highway.. I was looking forward to the direction that he was supposed to come.. And finally there he was.. with a warm smile on his face.. The face that I had been longing for such a long long time. I didn't know what to do.. Every inch of my body was excited seeing him. Did I have some goose pimples.. Maybe there were. We recognized each other soon, as we had seen each other on photos. He came to me standing in the line.. shook hands.. and there was his killing smile.. He had a look at the books that I was having in my hands, and said he would wait outside while I pay off the bills.

Once I paid off the bills, I went out, impatiently looking out for him. He might have been somewhere outside doing something. I waited outside for him again, and there he was reappearing from the crowds with that killer smile on his lips. The next one hour or so was perhaps the best time in my life for a long long time. We talked and talked and talked. He took me to his favorite ice-cream shop, and we had some ice creams. Who cared about having an ice creams in that cold night.. I didn't.. I was just too happy to be with him. I was just staring at the person whom I was waiting to see for such a long time, and I couldn't believe what was happening with me.. Maybe I might have behaved a bit odd in the way I was upto him, because I could see him as well bemused at the way I was behaving. And then it was time to go.

As we walked towards his car, a whole host of thoughts were running through my mind.. Why didn't he come a bit earlier in my life.. when there would have been absolutely nothing that would stop him from being mine, and me from being his.. I was answering things to whatever he was asking, but my mind was elsewhere. Why is it that things don't happen properly in my life? He is the first person whom I have fallen in love to.. but the sad part of it all is that we might never be together. I am destined to be the person in waiting for him for the rest of my life.. Its a destiny of choice by me.. Something that I hope I would do any time for him. As he stopped his car in front of the last curve to my house, I didn't know what to speak.. That beautiful little passage of time was coming to an end. Was there a bit of a tear in my eyes?? Maybe there was.. Is it possible for time to get stagnant at this point of time? Is it possible that there is an endless torrent, that would take me to the world of my dreams... There wont. As I said bye to him did I want to kiss him good bye.. I definitely did. That might perhaps be one thing that I would never be able to do in my life.. But then, God has given me only this small bit of happiness with him.. That's what God has destined for me.. Who am I to challenge it.. I will wait.. wait for the day when I will get him. If God has mercy on me, that would happen.. else it would be a never ending wait that would end only when the last breath is taken away from me.. Thanks my dear.. Thanks a lot for bringing in some happiness in my life.. Thanks for making me realize what it is to be in love.....

Pasted Smiles

One of the most depressing and difficult things to do in life is to act cool when things are after all not that cool in life. Right now I don't know how many hats I am wearing simultaneously - hats which I don't know if it is going to make any sense at all. The difficulty in pasting a smile on your face when you are bleeding badly within is something beyond words. To laugh when your heart is crying.. To enjoy when the mind is depressed.. To murmur a song on your lips when every possible part of you is weeping.. These are things that take a whole lot out of you. And I doing exactly that now. Don't know how long I will have to live this sort of life.. When will happiness finally come to my face??

The harsh realities in life is teaching me ways to live in the harshest possible way. Every day when I talk to him, there is agony within me - something that comes with the realization that he doesn't want things the way I want, but still manages to put up a smile, an odd laugh, a rare piece of that 'cool feeling'. At least those moments when I talk to him are the ones I wait for all day, and when they come, its like a downpour of emotions. But deep within me, I am crying. Is there no one around to see that I am crying? Is there no one around to understand that my heart is bleeding? Perhaps not.. That's the curse of my life. There are people around me, but are there anyone really around.. I don't know how long I would be able to live this kind of a life. There is a limit to which I can stretch myself to. Beyond that, it becomes a life that has no virtue..

Why didn't you come into my life a bit more earlier? Some time before when there were no constraints on you.. Sometime back when you could have been all mine.. Sometime back when there would have been no force on earth that would have stopped both of us being together.. Maybe I am just not destined to have you in my life. I love you more than what words can tell, what actions can express. I guess this is something that will remain for ever in my life, and probably never end.. This is spark that will be there within me for ever - as long as I am alive. You will always be there within me - even if you don't want to have any such feelings for me. Its life of distress and disappointment that I have chosen; but I will take it any day. I just cant imagine anyone else in your place in my heart. If the destiny takes us to a place where both of us have stakes for each other, so be it.. If not, I'll wait.. for the rest of my life...

Crossroads in Life

I am feeling very much drained out - in every sense of the word. Things are getting very hectic at office. Add to that all the emotional baggage that I am carrying forward. Things have changed a whole lot in the past few days. He very clearly said to me that he doesn't want a relationship in the lines of what I was hoping for. That almost completely has destroyed that beautiful dream in which I was living in. I have been brought down crashing into the harsh real world. I feel as if there is now a big vacuum in my life. Its like a balloon that gets burst out all of a sudden, and the only thing that remains with you are a pieces of rubber which is completely useless. Though I agreed to him that I wont look at him from the point of view of a relationship, its getting almost impossible for me to get out of. After all a human mind is not like a switch which you can turn on and off. At least mine is not. Its a suffocating feeling. Why is it that happiness is not at all coming my way? Or is it that I don't deserve good things in life. I don't know..

I find myself in the crossroads of my life - a stage where everything looks so bleak. The situation that I find myself in forces me to look at life in the most cynical way possible. No matter how pragmatic a person is, rejection always hurts. When he said he doesn't want to look at me from the point of view of relationship, it was as if something went through my heart. It felt like earth moving from under my feet. When all the dreams fall into tatters right in front of your eyes, the grief that accompanies it is not something that you can put in words. I don't know what state of mind I was in at that point of time. Its been four or five days since this happened, and even now I haven't got out of it.. Not sure if I will ever get out of it either..

Now that leads to the question what about me and my relations with him. Is it ever possible for me to look at him in a different way? I guess never. Its so very difficult to forget your first love. He is my first love.. and probably my last love as well. I don't think someone else will ever occupy his space in my mind. Tough decisions on my life has to be taken. I have decided to open up to my parents.. tell them what I am, and the reasons why I wont go ahead and do a marriage. Then what? That's the question that haunts me a lot as well. I believe in destiny. If destiny says and the God wants it that way, I will definitely get him some day or the other. If not, I would like to believe that my destiny doesn't have him written for me.. But I will wait.. As long as there is life in my body, I'll wait. I don't think its possible for me to se anyone else in his place.. He is there in my mind for ever, and that would probably go away only with my death... whenever it may happen.. Just one question to God.. Is there no happiness that's destined for me??

Back After A Break

Back to the blogging world after a bit of a break.. And it was certainly a break that was having volcanic proportions. A lot of things changed in between. For the first time in my relationship with him, I admitted to him that I am having a crush on him. If I say that he was taken aback by that statement of mine would be a thorough understatement. He doesn't want anything of that sort between us. He wants us to be extreme friends, and nothing else. Jeez.. it was so difficult when I heard it the first time. But then, there is no way I can find any fault in him. After all he is having a family, which he cherishes so dearly. It was my mistake that I opened myself to him in that way. After all this was something that was bound to be there only within me. There was no reason for me to say what I feel to him. When I look back, it was a day of complete madness - a day when I was not in my senses, a day when I lost control of my heart, and said things to him that I shouldn't have. Maybe I got overwhelmed by emotions, and I ended messing up something that was so special for me. Hope our relationship is strong enough to withstand that foolishness of mine. There have been lots of times when some foolishness from my part has resulted in relationships being broken. The sad part of it all is that even after all these bad experiences, I haven't learned. I haven't learned how to make a relationship, and protect it. More often than not, I get carried away, don't think of the sensitivies of others and make stupid decisions which make an irreversible damage to a relationship. I just hope and pray with all my heart that this is not yet another causality of my stupidity - because this is one relationship that I value the most. Something that I would give anything to protect.

Spent the weekend back home. Can't say that I spent it with my parents, since I was outside for most of the times. As expected my marriage was one of the most prominent subjects of discussion while I was there. These are the times when I feel like telling the truth about me to them. But then, the fact that they may not be able to accept the reality stops me from telling it to them. From they way they are speaking, it sounds as if they are kind-of desperate to see me get married. This time things seems to be getting out of my hands with my uncles as well getting involved in the entire thing. Maybe its time to tell it to them. At least that would bring an end to the false hope that they are having upon me. Its one of the biggest crimes from me that I am making them remain in a world of false hopes. But somehow I am not getting the guts to tell it to them. I am afraid of the possibility that they will completely disown me, and I would be left alone in this world. There would be absolutely no virtue for my life after that. Its in a complete mess - in every sense of the word.

Things are getting a bit too hectic at work as well. Lots of work is pending upon me, and it will take some effort to get them done in time. Looks like my late nigthers are coming back with a vengeance. One thing that I have realized as of now is that I need to be a bit more organized. Otherwise there are nightmares that are coming up for me. I can see them in the horizon. Somehow I need to work a way out of all of these. I don't know how I am going to do this. But then, that is the challenge that I have this year. If I get the better of this, I would count it one of my biggest accomplishments at work. Everything poses a challenge of its own, and this one is no different. It all depends on how I am able to tackle it.

My guys are also having a tough time - especially MS. He is having to put in lots of late nighters these days, since he has a delivery some time next week. AR also is having a bad time at office - both due to his work and his manager. AJ as always is busy - no surprises there. In all the hustle and bustle of life, are we guys missing out on the good times? I feel so. Maybe once the hectic times at work are done with, we should all go out, have a nice time together. That is when all of us enjoys our life the most. There is one more problem that has come up in front of me. My parents want to come over to this place, and that would require me to move out of the current house. Its becoming so difficult even to say to AR about moving out. After staying together for so many years, its always difficult. But then that's life, isn't it? There are times in life when you have to bite the bullet. In all probability, this is one of them.

It Is His Birthday Today

Well, its the day when my man celebrates the anniversary of his arrival to the face of the earth. And that will always bring in a smile on the faces, right? Birthdays are very special in that respect. It brings in a smile on the faces of people even if they are exceedingly depressed. There is a charm on the face of the people on their birthdays. Maybe its the hope of a better tomorrow that brings in that smile. Whatever be it, birthdays are always something very good.

I SMSed him at midnight. Had put a reminder on my mobile, and I had to stay late to read something. Hence it was not a problem. Called him in the morning once I reached office. Just like what it was on my birthday, his phone was engaged. He called me back in no time. And then I wished him. Jeez, I was blushing when I wished him. Probably he is the only person whom I would have wished with so much of heart. Hope he gets all the good things in his life, and is happy for life.

Guess he was bit busy all day, because of which he didn't check the mail that I had sent him. In that mail I had given the link of the flash movie that I had created for him. He sounded very pleased [contrary to what I had expected] looking at it. There was no more explicit way in which I could spell out how much I love him. My dear I love you more than myself..

This is the poem that I had written for him. Got the skeleton from some website; did some surgery on that, and my song for him was in place.

Somewhere the sun is shining, and the clouds are not in sight
Somewhere someone's laughing, and talking about what might
What might be another year, for us to spend together
What might be another time, that I could cherish forever.

Somewhere two people laugh and joke, and carry on all day
Talk about their past and future, in an extraordinary way
They talk about the last few years, and how they made a bond
They found it funny they both were different, but both especially fond.

They found it funny they both were different, but both especially fond
A friend to tell of all your worries, if ever you were blue
To trust with all my secrets, and keeping yours close to heart
Knowing you will comfort me, with heart and with soul.

Somewhere the sun is shining, and we will meet again
Become the friends we always were, and talk about what's been
Although far away, I know you're here, to help me through hard times
Help me make the right decisions, when I don't see the signs.

Somewhere the sun is shining, and you will be in my heart
For you are more than a friend to me, and we shall never part
This is the time to let you know, how much I really care
I love you, no matter what, and cherish the moments that we shared.

But today my dear is your day, the day when all happiness pour on you
May that smile remain with you for ever, making everyone else smile
May your life be filled with joy, bringing happiness to everyone around
And once again with all my heart, all the very best returns for the day.

A Special Week

After a weekend where you spend most of the time in office itself, it is a horrible feeling that you have when you come to office on a Monday morning. There is no refreshment in the air. On the contrary, you feel exhausted; with absolutely no energy to carry on. When you are drained off everything that you have, there is a lot left to be desired. It was something similar today morning. I decided to create a to-do list so that I can be a bit methodical in the way I do things. The sad fact was that the list was pretty big, and by the end of the day I had reached no where. More than half of the things in that to-do list have to be taken forward to the next day. A flop start in every sense of the word. But as they say- something is better than nothing. Maybe I can build on from here. I want to be organized at work; since next month would see me really pushed to all corners.

Yesterday night we went to the mall, did some shopping for my little cousins. Boy, these kids wear is a bit too expensive. I guess the theory that these people in the shops seem to follow is that lesser the size of the cloth, the more expensive it is. Otherwise how can I explain that a small t-shirt was costing me around 300. I think that the mens wear was less expensive than this. Anyways this is for the kids that I love the most; hence any money is less for them. Once all the shopping was done, we had some very good Hyderabadi biryaani. Umm.. That tasted Oh so good. The memory of that taste still waters my mouth. And by the time we reached home, I was completely exhausted.

Tomorrow is my love's birthday. I wrote a poem for him. Got a skeleton from the net, modified it according to what I felt. Sounds absolutely stupid. But anything for him. Used this poem in one of the online flash movie creations, and created something for him. Because of the work that I had to do over last week and the whole of the weekend, there was no beautifications done on that. Its looks novice. Not sure if he would like it; and hence in a doubt if I should tell about this to him. Anyway I don't want that effort to go waste. Hence I might send the link over to him with the apologies. Hope he will understand me. He will definitely use this to pull my legs. But still, if that makes him happy, I will do anything for him. I have set a reminder at midnight tonight for wishing him. I will SMS him probably. This is a moment that he would want to spend with his wife; I don't want to get into the picture there.... Hope all the happiness comes down to him.. :-)

Weekend In Office

One of the worst things that can happen is to be in office on a weekend. It sounds surprising that such a statement has come from me; especially after all the weekends and nightouts that I had in office in the last year. But ever since 2007 started, I have made a deliberate effort to stay as less as possible in office. And as a result of that, I have been to office very rarely - maybe around 5-6 times in the whole of the year so far. But today I am having to be in the office. There is lots of pending work that needs to be completed before my boss has to change the nature of his face. Came over hoping that I will make some head-way. But nothing happened. I am exactly where I was yesterday night. Hopefully the next week would be better for me at work. Now I am feeling really tired. Just want to go home, and take some rest.

There will be the weekend getto that happens in our place tonight. The last time we had this getto, there was that altercation with MS. I am really afraid something like that will happen again. Hope its just my fear. I am taking a whole lot of print-outs as well home. If I get some time, I will read it tomorrow. [The chances for that is very less though. I get very lazy when I reach home :-(]

For my love, this is the last weekend he is going to spend with his wife before she goes home. Hope everything goes fine for her. My man has been anxiously waiting for things to happen for a long time. Just hope that things go really well for him, and just that he is happy in every moment of his life. Didnt want to call him, eventhough there is a huge urge in me to do so.. No.. I dont want to be a character between him and his wife.

One more tragedy happened today. I was preparing a flash movie for my love - to give him as a surprise present. But unfortunately now I am not able to see it from my place. That plan has to be dropped now. Very bad....

Down With Illness..

Past couple of days haven't been great for me. Work is piling up in a big way; and to make matters worse, I am not really feeling well. I am having to go through a bout of fever, cough and cold. This is the kind of stuff that I hate the most. You are neither completely in; not completely out. Feel absolutely exhausted in every sense of the word. But at the same time, due to the amount of work that is pending, I am having to come to office as well. And the person who makes my times in office so very special and happy is busy with his work as well. He seems to be really tied up with work. That meant very less number of mails, and very less interaction. I crave for his mail all day, but very rarely it comes. He is not the sort of bloke who would find reasons not to send me mails. He should be really really busy. But during the days that he is busy, my day is such a drag.

When he is not available for me, I cant stop myself from thinking if I am walking towards a disaster. Though I opened myself up to him that I am indeed having some very strong feelings towards him, I am not sure if he actually feels that it is the case. Guess he still feels that its just my whim or a fantasy that I have towards him. Gosh, I love this guy like mad; and find myself in a situation where I am not able to look at anything else. And if he is turning a cold feet towards me, I don't know if I would be able to take it in.

Yesterday over the phone when I talked to mummy, I mentioned to her that I am not interested in getting married. She was shocked, agitated and God knows what else. She was asking for my logic behind the decision. How can I tell that to her? She still lives in a world where being a queer is one of the biggest crimes around. I am sure she wont be able to understand the reason behind my decision. Its all going haywire. I definitely don't want to live a hidden life - where I want something, and I do exactly the opposite. So marriage is ruled out. I am still contemplating telling the truth to her when I am at home. The biggest worry that stops me from doing so is my doubts on whether she would be able to take it in or not. God, please help me in this.

Saw the photo of the girl that MS is supposed to get married to. She is cute. Looks almost like him itself. Both of them will form a very good match. Now I want to see AR as well get married. He is really a bit upset at heart on not being able to find a girl. As they say, everything has a time associated with it. We all need to wait for the right time to come, and when it comes everything will happen without hindrance. Hope AR's time come up soon.

I am feeling very tired now; probably would go home and take some rest...

Bad Times

Some people always enjoy the best that life has to offer
Its not because more good things come their way
Its because they find good and enjoy the good in whatever that comes their way

This was a message that I received in one of the forwards that I got today. It makes a lot of sense, isn't it? At least for me it does. More often than not, there is an element of negativity in whatever I see; and because of that I feel that I am always hard-done. I feel as if things are not working the way I want it to work. But the reality might be something entirely different. How about looking at things as if they are really good; and maybe be happy at it? Maybe I should try doing it that way. Then my world might be a lot more better than what I perceive it to be.

Its been a hard time off late at office. Work is pending; things are not going as intended; and my efforts are not materializing as well. My instant relief which is his mails that come in once in a while, which used to refresh me up in all possible ways, have also dried up in the last couple of days or so. He also seems to be in the middle of some very hectic times, and is having to slog it out in the office. Even though I tease him about his slogging with implications that he should be willing to do it more, deep inside me I hope that he is relaxed. He enjoys being relaxed, and that is when he is at his best. The one-liners come out in its full flow, and the smallest thing that he does is sufficient for me to get back to the best of my moods; no matter how bad a mood I am in. Really I am missing him a lot these days. Hope his hectic times at work come to an end as soon as possible, and I can get back the person whom I absolutely adore.

Things are not going well for my guys as well. AJ is still struggling with a sour throat, while AR seems to be having a huge number of mouth ulcers to fight against. MS was supposed to come back yesterday night, but had to postpone it since his sister had an accident. He called me up and we talked for quite a long period yesterday night. I feel that all the anger he had towards me after that incident a couple of weekends back would have waned off by now. He is supposed to reach back here by tomorrow morning. Well, bad times seems to be following each one of us. Hope all these things go off soon, and we can all get back to the good times that we were in earlier.

A Movie And A Few Questions

Finally there was one weekend where something happened. Contrary to what was happening over the past few weekends, this weekend had some action. Jeez, that was one welcome change in my life. :-) There were all the trends of it being yet another dull weekend, especially with AR busy with some office work which he was doing from home and MS having gone to his native place. And my love would have been having a blast with his friends in the getto that he was planning over the weekend. Didn't want to get him away from his friends, hence made a conscious effort not to call him, even though there was a huge urge from within me to do that. Things were just moving along at a snail's pace, and I felt lost - lost in hell.

But everything changed, come Saturday evening. Out of nowhere AJ go this huge urge for going to the church and do a confession. I decided to accompany him to the church where he goes. This was my first visit to that church; and it was an impressive church I should say. They say you get the first three things that you pray in a church that you are going for the first time. Well, needless to say, my love was one of them. These days every time I pray, he comes into my mind. I had never thought even in my wildest dreams that someone can become so important in my life. It has become almost impossible to spend even an hour without thinking about him. Will my prayers get answered? I hope so - and I desperately want it to be so. They say, God gives you everything that you pray for. I have to put by belief in that, and hope that God indeed answers my prayers.

In the night,me, AR and AJ decided to go for a movie - Life in a Metro. I thoroughly enjoyed it, even though it asked a whole lot of questions to me. Am I taking even these movies so seriously? Maybe the state of mind that I am, everything seems to be a question for me. Some of those questions are still haunting me. I don't know if I can express in words, the degree of my love for him. But am I correct in it? I don't know. The only thing I know is that I am madly in for him. Maybe my fate is just to be in the sidelines like this. He belongs to his wife as he puts it - he has been created by God just to keep one of God's best creations - his wife, happy. He is exceedingly happy in the way that he is now; and when he is happy, I feel very happy as well. But is that happiness enough to suppress my feelings for him? I just don't know. Its like being in a complex jigsaw puzzle. I am not able to find a way out of it at all.

But Saturday night gave me a sneak preview of how things would be when people get to know that I am queer. AJ, whom I believe is the easiest to convince upon, gave me enough indicators that having an alternate lifestyle is unacceptable. The discussion was initiated when we bumped upon one of the dialogues in the movie "Life in a Metro", where there is an open question asked by the heroine about her boyfriend being a gay person. AJ in no uncertain terms said to me that he cannot accept this concept of being a gay. And he was very rigid in that. I couldn't argue much on this, as that would open myself out in front of him. Things are getting more and more scary for me. I was harboring thoughts about talking about myself to mummy when I am at home this time. But all of that was thrown out after seeing AJ's response. If a person like AJ is so dead against it, I cant imagine how my parents would react to this. I kept on thinking about this all night, and couldn't sleep.

Sunday was as lazy as it can be. Slept, read and watched TV. No movies on Sunday though. In the evening, we went out for a walk and a bit of a shopping. Back to a new working week after a sound sleep...

Yet Another Weekend

One of those times when there is nothing really special that is happening in life - very monotonous, almost goes on like some programmed thing. There is no excitement around, things look very dull. He has been very busy over the last couple of days. Hence the number of mails are very less. But still I am smarting from that statement of his that he has got some feelings in him for me. Well, ever heard of living in a dream? I am probably in that now. Its getting sweeter. But then, its me. It normally doesn't take too long for a sweet dream to turn sour for me. I am worried about that moment, when things will get shattered and I will be broken into pieces. Till then I want to be living this dream to the fullest. Man, being in love is a beautiful thing to have. There is a zing that you feel in your mind when you are in this state. He was saying that he is having a getto over the weekend. He seems to have a great group of people with whom he absolutely loves being with. Surely they will have a great time over the weekend.

For me the weekend would be the same old thing. Nothing really special all the way. Thought of going for a movie. But as unfortunate as I am, I didn't even get a ticket for that one day in advance. Well, that's the way things generally go for me. MS is leaving for home today. He is going to see his prospective wife over the weekend. Jee, I am really happy for him. Now he is settled. The only one whose things I want to see settle down as soon as possible is that of AR. I hope he also gets his partner soon. AJ is just a kid. I just want to see all of them happy staying far away.

Mummy is kind of asking questions on my marriage. Should I tell her about myself? I don't know. To end this debate once and for all, I would like to say the truth to her. But will she be able accept it? I am really worried about that. Anyway, I am planning to go home sometime this month. I need to think seriously on what I should be doing. Maybe opening up is the best thing for everyone. But is everyone ready to hear the truth? I doubt.

When Unexpected Happens..

One of the most happiest things that you feel is when there is something good that happens to you when its least expected. Something like that happened today. I was so scared on how he will react to my mail yesterday. I was pissed off by some of the self-derogatory statements that he made yesterday, and wrote whatever came into my mind. Before I could cool down myself, review what I had written, I had to send it, as there was something else that I had to do urgently. All night I was afraid how he would react to this. And in the morning when he was not responding for what seemed to be a long time, I was really scared that I did a blunder again. After all this was something that was expected to be kept as something for my own, and not even he was expected to know that I am harnessing such feelings for him. But then he replied almost a couple of hours late, as he was late to office. His response was very practical. He kind-of indicated that he didn't want the same things that he had gone through earlier to repeat. That was expected as well. I also didn't want him to go through the agony yet again. But then as an afterthought he mailed one more time; in which he said he also had some feelings for me.. Wow.. I was in cloud nine. That was least expected from him - though that was the line that I wanted to hear from him for a long long time. I don't know if he said that to keep my heart. But who cares?? All that matters is that he actually feels for me - at least he says that way. I don't see any reason why he should tell a lie on this regard to me. I will never ever even mention about my feelings for him; because I am happy with whatever I heard today. I know its tough for him to accommodate me in his life, since as he says, he completely belongs to his wife. But I feel cherished that he feels something for me.. That makes my day oh so beautiful.

Work is pending big time. Looks like my late night schedules are about to come back. I need to sort of my official stuff as soon as possible. Otherwise in a couple of months time, I will be completely piled up with work. Maybe a bit of organization at work might help me in that.

More Mistakes

For the first time ever, I kind-of said to him something that in turn means "I love you". I don't know how he will take this. He must be very upset with this,because he didn't want anything like that between us. But it accidentally came out of my mouth yesterday. Only after sending the mail, I realized that it might not have been the best thing to do. Well, mistakes continue to flow from me. BUt atleast this time I should have been careful; especially after the problems that happenend over the weekend. When will I realize that these mistakes are becoming a bit too costly for me. Already I have lost out on MS and his friendship. Now is it the turn of him to move away? I hope that is not the case. But these days things are not happening the way I want it to happen. Hence there is all probability that things will be messed up. I was getting so much suffocated with feelings for him that it might have escaped out of me at the first given opportunity. Jeez.. even if he doesn't have any such feeling towards me, at least let him not take me away from his life. I am really feeling scared.

MS must still be a bit upset about all those things. Luckily AR and AJ have come back as they were. Things will never be the same between us any more - trust once lost is never redeemed. They cant be criticized for the way the behaved - because its just so natural. When one of your best friends is mysteriously hiding something from the rest, people are justified to be a bit aggrieved. And they did exactly that. At least I want them as friends - if not as best friends.

All in all, I feel as if my world is falling apart. All because of my mistakes. I don't know how I will get them back in order. First it was the best friends that I disappointed. Now it is him. How many more people would I put into agony. My life is a wretched one - isn't it? Just born to give sadness to people. Just need to know who is the next in the line...

Wretched Start

It was the first weekend of what I would like to see as the most important year in my life from a personal point of view. This is the year where I hope that I will get my love; the year when I will finally have the courage to say what I feel from the bottom of my heart; the year when my relationships will be tested to the hilt; the year when I will see a whole lot of people close to me move away from me; the year when I perseverance will be tested; the year when my family could very well disown me; the year when I could be completely shattered; the year when I could finally find some happiness in life; the year when I may have someone whom I can say is mine; they year when I see some light at the end of the tunnel; the year when I finally realize what I am. There are lots of hopes, aspirations, fear and apprehension when I look forward to this year. Because this year could well be the watershed year of my life. The year when there would be some clarity in my life.

And this year got to the worst possible start over the weekend. It all started as a simple joke. MS was kind-of making fun of me for not getting married. It soon developed into a confrontation of sorts. I was very much cornered up for not telling them the fact. But can I, even if I wanted to? And were these guys ready to accept what I am? On paper, it sounds very good to say that being best friends, people will have to accept all things good and bad. But I seriously doubt if they were ready to hear that their friend is a queer. I too didn't have the guts to say that to the rest of the guys. MS was clearly upset with my reluctance in opening up. So was AJ. AR has this knack of not being expressive. He must also have been upset. After all we claim ourselves to be good friends; and then its unfair to them from me to hide some things in life. But this is one thing that I am afraid will change everything for ever. Things that would convert a beautiful relationship into something that is built on contempt. I didn't want anything like that to happen. Its a hard thing for me to tell to them as well. Hence resisted all temptations to tell it to them. They naturally got agitated, and God know how things went after that. It was absolute mayhem. And yesterday night both of us were on a bike for almost 15 minutes together, but didn't speak a single word. Maybe the first time ever something like this has happened. Is my world falling apart? Is the truth of what I am ruining my life? I don't know. Maybe it is. I don't know how things will get back between us. Its so difficult to have a fight with your best friend.

In all of this mess that I was going through, I wanted to talk to him. But didn't call. He must be having a good time with his family. Why should I mess up his time as well? From his mail today, I realized that he had a good time with it. Good that I didn't call him up and become a spoiler.

All in all, it was a wretched weekend. The worst possible way to start a new year in my life.

Its My Birthday Today

One more year has passed by, and now I have stepped into 29. Well, kind-of getting aged. All the fun started from yesterday night when there was something strange in the way AR behaved. He was on phone over extended periods of time, and there was something suspicious all around. I was feeling very tired and went to sleep at around 10:30. As usual AR was busy watching wrestling on TV. But my suspicions about him went higher and higher as he didn't sleep at his normal time of 11:30 - that's when the wrestling program on TV stops. But my sleep was getting the better of me, and I went into sleep. After some time I heard some hushes in the hall, and I went out to see what is happening. To my surprise, I could see MS and AJ as well there, and all three of them were preparing the cake that needs to be cut. They had some other plans about the cake cutting. But my abrupt waking up spoiled their entire plans. But then the whole world opened up. Wishes were given, the cake was cut, and the birthday bums were given as well. We chatted along till 1:30 in the morning, each of us having a bottle of wine. At that point of time, AJ and MS had to leave, and that was the end of that. It was a memorable time in every sense of the word. Never have I had such a celebration in my life.

Woke up at 5 in the morning, as I was planning to go to the church. The first message that I saw in the morning was from the friend, whose house I went over the weekend. She remembered my birthday, and wished me. Well, my effort to end the fight with her did produce some result. A very good start to the day I should admit. Once the service at the church was over, there was a barrage of phone calls as friends started calling me to wish me. It was a pleasant surprise that so many people actually remembered my birthday. These are the times when you feel that you are not actually alone in life. There are people around you - the only thing that you need to do is to open your eyes and look at them.

All the while, I was waiting for his call or message. That was the one that mattered the most for me. And boy, I was so desperate to get one from him. As usual, doubts started to linger in my mind. Has he forgotten that today is my birthday. There was no fun in me having to inform him that today is my birthday. If he were to call me, that would be good enough indicator for me that he actually cares for me. My patience was running out, as it became almost 7:30, and still there was no call from him. As minutes ticked by, I was starting to loose hope. All of a sudden my phone rang. In all the anticipation, I took my phone which was in the pocket of my trousers, hoping that it would be he who would call me. Unfortunately it was one of my colleagues who called me up to wish me. Its a horrible feeling when you are dragged more and more into disappointment. Every minute was like an eternity, as I desperately wanted his call. While I was talking with my colleague, there were beeps on the phone - an indicator that someone else was calling me. Was it he who was calling me? My excitement was sky rocketing. I told my colleague some lie, and tried to hang up the call. When I looked at the display of the phone, I saw the thing that I wanted to see the most. It was the call from him. His name was present there saying that I had a missed call from him. I don't know what I felt at that point of time. I felt relieved.. excited.. happy.. and God knows what else. Now I didn't want to call him back. I was a bit selfish at this point of time - but hey, its my birthday today. So I can do no wrong. :-) I kept on waiting for his call to come again. Every second was passing away at a snail's pace. And after almost 5 minutes, the phone rang again. It was him. This was the moment that I was waiting for. He has called me up to wish me. I just looked at his name displayed on my phone for a few seconds, just adoring it.. just loving it. And then I received his call. There are times in life when you want something so badly, that once you get it you don't know what do with it. This was a typical example for such a situation. I was madly looking forward to get this call from him, and when it came, I didn't know what to with it. In all the excitement, you are often lost for words. I was unable to even talk to him properly. Was I tense? Or was it that I got overwhelmed by the situation. I don't know. The only thing I know was that I messed it up - big time. Our conversation lasted for only a few minutes, and then we hung up the call. All that excitement lasted for nothing. I was kind of heart-broken. A very important part of life is seizing the right opportunity. Instead I messed it up this time.

I was utterly disappointed, and after a few minutes, I got a message on my phone. Assuming that it is from one of my friends, I opened it up, and to my surprise, it was from him again. The message read as following:
"May God bless you with all those wonderful things you look for in the coming days! All the very best returns for the day and a wonderful year ahead dear! lols"
All my disappointments went away in a flash, and I was blushing with joy. Does he realize that the thing I want the most is he himself? Hope his wish comes true!! I cant imagine how much I am tied up emotionally with him, and how desperate I am for him. We exchanged mails all day, and my mind was getting overwhelmed by him.

In office, things went on predictable lines. A wish came from my manager, wishes poured in from my team mates and friends. It was celebratory occasion of sorts for me. I was on a high ever since my interactions with him in the morning. For lunch, I took out one of my very good friends, and had a sumptuous lunch. It was cake cutting time again in the evening, and this time I had a 'Black Forest" facial. The monotonous sequence of events at office continued as the day was slowly moving to an end. In the evening my mummy as well called from home to wish me, as she was outside from yesterday. A day of celebration was coming to an end, with me feeling more happier than before.

I didn't get any materialistic presents this time for my birthday from anyone. But I got two absolutely precious things. One was the most memorable birthday that I have ever celebrated, when AR, AJ and MS made it a stunning midnight. But more importantly, those brief moments of interaction with him over phone - that was the thing that made my day. My dear, I love you so much. I just don't know how to tell it to you. I don't know how you will react to what I feel about you. But you are the best present that I will ever get.

The last wishing message that I received is as following:
"Before your day gets over, let me wish that all your day and the rest of the year be filled with joy of today and may you find your love of your life to share the wonderful you"
This is from a friend of mine, who is my lunch -partner off-late. Well, she similar to MS wants to see me get married as soon as possible. But she doesn't realize that I have found my love of my life, that marriage is not a possibility, and its just that I haven't expressed myself to him.

Hectic Day

One of those days - hectic, but absolutely no work at all. All day went in meetings - actually three of them. By the end of the day I feel completely drained off. It even included an interview - absolutely ridiculous, when the person whom I interviewed was twice as experienced as me. It sounds absolutely rubbish that I interviewed this guy. For some strange reason I was asked to do so. To be honest, I was not impressed by this guy. Felt as if he was just cooking up stories. So made him a reject. Feels really bad when I reject someone - doubts pop up as if whether I did the correct evaluation or not. I think I should make a firm stand that I wont interview anyone who is more experienced than me. That's it. Hope that would sort out the problem.

Whenever I get completely drained out, its his mails that keep me going. Today that as well was very less. Maybe he was pretty busy as well. So am completely feeling sick - completely pissed off. Now need to go home, take bath, and take some rest. If possible read something, and then have a nice sleep. Gosh.. I am so tired today.

Life Rolls On

At times people behave in a very strange way. All day yesterday in his mails, he was trying to portray himself as a very bad person. I never understood why he wanted to put himself up in such a way. It sounds a bit odd from him when he tries to put himself up in such a way. As far as I know him, he is one person whom I can easily call as a beacon of positivity. He is positive in everything - in life, at work, everywhere. But somehow he speaks to me with utter disregard for himself. Is it something that he deliberately tries to pull himself down in my eyes, I don't know. If that is the case, he is going to fail very badly. He is such big heights in my eyes that it will be very difficult for him to come down. And then as they say, when you are in love, you tend to overlook all bad things if any. I liked this person knowing that he wont be perfect - and he is not perfect either. One cant be selective when it comes to liking a person. You can never say that I will like some traits of him that appear to be good for me, and don't like the bad things as I perceive. That's not the way relations work. I love him knowing very well that there would be things in his behavior that I wont like. But then, if I really love him, I will have to accept him with all his his good and bad. Irrespective of how hard he tries, there is no way I am going to change my opinion about him.

At office as well, things are kind of sluggish. No real excitement around. I remember, last year at this point of time, things were just buzzing with activity. Is it time to move over in life? The problem that I see here is that I have given a few commitments here and there, and it will be difficult for me to move soon. Maybe the end of the year is a realistic time frame for me to move. But then, if nothing happens for such an extended period of time, I will have to opt for something else. And in such a scenario, the best way would be to move out. Off late I am seeing that the industry as well is not exactly on a boom. Does all of that point to a bleak future? I don't know. I just hope that its not the case. All our lives would be badly affected if there is a slowdown again. That's the last thing that all of us could hope for.

AR seems to be off mood these days. Very less talking, kind of being secluded to himself. Maybe the pressures of work is getting hold on him. Or is it that the time has come for this staying together for both of us to come to an end? After all he will also get bored seeing the same person day-in, day-out - eating the same food day-in, day-out. Hope his marriage happens soon. Even though he never expressed it, he is a tad disappointed at his marriage not happening. With all those horoscope problems, it would be difficult for him to get an alliance. But then, difficult and impossible things do happen in life, right? It will happen when the time is right. AJ seems to be very happy since his brother got admission into one of the plum colleges in Bangalore. That makes his day as well. Things will be hectic for MS as well, as his marriage is going to be fixed. AM feeling really happy for these guys that their stuff is going in the right track. The only touch of disappointment for me is AR's marriage. If God-willing, that happens as well, it would be so-called "picture-prefect".

One of my cousin is getting married over the weekend, and I have decided to bunk it. My parents are a bit upset about it. But I had to take such a decision to make sure that I don't end up telling more lies on me not getting married. How long will such a "run-from-the-facts" continue? At some point of time I will have to tell the complete truth about me to my parents. Am I really ready to say that to them? Are they ready to hear the hardest reality that they would ever hear about their son? I think "no" is the answer in both the cases. Hence its better to keep this within myself as long as things are not ready.

Wrong Judgement Again

Well things are getting back to normalcy between me and him again. Looks like I was so horribly wrong when it came to my judgment of his non-response. He was pretty busy in every sense. Buy yesterday he seemed to be a bit more relaxed, and we exchanged a whole lot of mails - some of them were really huge. And for the first time in my life, I said to someone that I am queer, and that happened to be to him. He still doesn't believe it, saying that its just my infatuation that is causing me to say all these things. But little does he realize that I have gone through all of these, and have come to this decision after giving a whole lot of thought. Anyways, hopefully he will understand me. He still feels that I am having a "fear-of-failure" in the bed, which is the reason why I am running away from marriage. But honestly, I don't have an interest in girls. Then why would I go ahead and marry someone. If I am to act cool, and go through the motions, would I be happy? I wont.. And if I am not happy in life, what is the point of living it that way?

Anyway, it was good that my assumptions about him were wrong. Unnecessarily I got upset about him not being there. I feel the real reason behind it all is that I am a terribly insecure person - especially when it comes to relationships. And because of this insecurity, I forget that everyone in this world needs to have their own space - especially the ones I love the most. In the case of him, I haven't even told him that I am madly in love with him. Then how is it that he will understand that I need him a little. Now that I have decided not to tell that to him, there is no way he will ever get to know about it as well. So expecting him to be there every time would be ridiculous. When will I grow up from my whims and fantasies? Or is it that the huge emotional baggage that I attach on my relationship with him is taking its toll? One of the easiest ways out would be to be pragmatic in life, and just be a silent lover to him. Live as a shadow for him, as long as he needs. But then I am a human being as well, right? Emotions form part of my life as well, don't they? Gosh.. this is seriously getting on top of my head.. Right now, I am just happy that he is still having some interest in me. That should be good enough for me to live for the time being. If everything works out fine, he will find some space for me as well in his life. I desperately hope that he would be able to..

Today would be a reasonably hectic day in office. Few meetings here and there all day. And for a change I have come in my formals. I don't remember when was the last time I came in formals to office - maybe a couple of years back. And actually, I look reasonably smart in formals. :-) That was a pleasant surprise.

Lonely Weekend

Being lonely in life is a very bad thing in life. That's one big lesson that I learned over the weekend. AR, AJ and MS not in town, meant that there was nothing that would happen over the whole of the weekend. It was as dull as it could ever be. The only silver lining over the entire weekend was that I went one of my friend's house on Saturday. She had been angry with me ever since I didn't attend her marriage. Six months went off with the fight, with neither of us not taking the step forward. I guess it was time that this fight had to come to an end. And hence decided to take the lead on that. And the visit to her house was the logical culmination of that. Met her husband there. He was very good - an ideal match for her. Good people always get good things. She had prepared a good lunch as well for me. Spent almost 4-5 hours with both of them. Didn't even realize that the time was flying by. Left her apartment at around 4:30 in the evening. There was this satisfaction in my mind that one relationship that I spoiled myself got repaired. It may never reach the highs that it reached the same time last year, but at least its not a relationship that's done and dusted.

In the evening, there was plans to go to the doctor to show my problematic knee, but got delayed in traffic, and hence cancelled it. Reached back home, and there was the dream FA cup final - Chelsea v Manchester United. Everything was pointing to a grudge match - Man U had won the Premier League couple of weeks back from Chelsea, and it was pay back time. The ardent Chelsea follower that I am, there was no way I was going to miss it. Initial part of the game didn't live up to the expectations, but who cares - as long as Chelsea wins. Didier Drogba's goal late in extra-time ensured that. One pleasing moment of the weekend. I was over phone with AR and AJ in Wayanad when the goal was scored. AR and AJ had specific reasons why they supported Man U and Chelsea respectively. AR hated Jose Mourinho, and hence took the side of anyone playing against Chelsea. AJ similarly hated Sir Alex Fergusson, and hence took the side of anyone who played against Man Utd. Strange reasons to support a team. I heard a huge roar over phone from AJ when the goal was scored. I was tense as the match was going towards the penalties. Peter Cech is not having a great record when it comes to penalties, isn't it? Anyway, Chelsea won, and that was good enough for me.

Sunday was the day when loneliness really bit me. And it bit me real hard. There was some sort of vacuum all day. I felt as if I am very lonely. I don't know how many times he came into my mind. I was tempted like hell to call him up, or at least message him over. But resisted it thinking that he would be with his wife, and I didn't want to do anything that would affect the two of them. I was hoping against hope that he would call me up so that we can talk. As usual, he didn't call up. When was it that good things happened to me? Now its becoming so much used to, that it would be a surprise if something good happens. Maybe he was too busy over the weekend, or worse, he might not have felt the need to call me up. Yesterday evening in the church as well, I prayed a lot for our relationship. I don't know is such a relationship is religiously correct or not. The only thing that I know is that I am madly in love with him, and am willing to wait as long as possible for that dream to come true. I don't know when it will come true. But I hope it will come true sometime. All my doubts and apprehensions about him will just go away, and I will get him. I just pray that God is there with me to make sure that it happens.

Weekend Ahead

One more weekend coming up. Yet again its a lonely weekend, hence most uninspiring by all means. One of my friends is getting married over this weekend. Hence AR, AJ and MS are going for the marriage. This guy is a friend of their's and have met him on a few occasions when he came over to our house. MS was insistent that I come over to Calicut for the marriage, as they were planning to go on an outing in the outskirts of Calicut tomorrow. The marriage is on Sunday. I decided not to go for it, since if I go for this one, my family would insist that I come over for my cousin's marriage next week. And if I go for that, I will have to listen to a thousand questions on why I am not getting married. For each of those questions, I will have to tell a lie as well. Why say so much lies again and again. Already I have said enough number of lies in my life. Hence decided to bunk both the marriages. MS was distinctly unhappy with my decision, and made no effort to hide it. He is that sort of guy. That's the reason why I absolutely adore his assertiveness. Had I been having half of his assertiveness, I wouldn't have been in the kind of mess that I am in now. Unfortunately he doesn't know the real reason why I am running away. Anyways will go and see them off in the evening. And then I am all alone for the rest of the weekend.

Maybe this weekend is the right time for introspection as far as I am concerned. Also I need to get back in talking terms with one very dear friend of mine. We became out of touch ever since I didn't go to attend her marriage. Felt really bad when one of my closest friends in office walked away from me. Now its time that I mend that relationship. I will probably go to her apartment tomorrow for lunch. Hopefully that will end all our fights. In the evening I will probably go to the doctor. My knee is giving me problems yet again. Don't know what he will say this time around. Every time I go to a doctor, I hear a completely new theory about what is happening in my knees. That should take care of my activities tomorrow. Sunday, nothing is planned - except for the visit to the church. Maybe I will go for some movie. They say "Life in a Metro" is good. If possible I will go for that.

Today he mailed me after a couple of days. Every time I tell myself that he is lost for me, something like this happens, which just rekindles the hope for me. I just hope that he really wants me.. I don't want anything much from him; just some time that he can spend for me would be good enough. I just want to be his silent lover, who always remains in the background, who will always be with him, but very far from all the happiness that he gets out of his family. I don't know if that will happen. But if it happens, that would be one of the greatest gifts that God can give me.. Jeez I love this guy so much... I am just not able to get him out of my mind.

Analyzing Myself

The working week is coming to an end today, and perhaps this has been the worst week that I have had in a long time. I got a beating in everything that I did - professionally as well as personally. All the professional beatings that I got over this week, I can pull it back up in the coming few weeks, but the scars that I got in the last week on the personal front will take a whole lot of time to heal. Loosing someone very close is very hard to take in. Especially when you have dreamed a whole lot of things with that person. When you realize that all those dreams are just breaking down as millions of glass crystals which can never ever come together again, believe me, its absolutely heart-breaking. Worst, when this entire process is agonizingly slow, and it happens in front of your eyes, its beyond words. Its a very helpless situation where you know things are falling apart, but even if you wanted to do something, you are unable to do anything. All my dreams are over. All my hopes are shattered. I am back to where I am - the same place looking out for my love. I had hoped that the search had finally come to an end. But what came to an end was just my dreams. Why did you get so much close to me man?? Now its almost getting impossible for me to get out of it.

Yesterday night I kept on thinking why the same sequence of events just keeps on repeating in my life. I start liking a person, that person responds in such a way that I feel that there is something special that's happening, and once the other person's curiosity wears off, he just dumps me and moves away as if nothing has happened. Throughout so far, its been just friends who used to do this. But now, with him, there was something more than just being friends. I opened myself to him to the extend that I have never done with anyone else. Somewhere down the line, I had that strong feeling in my mind that he is someone special for me, and that he would stand by me for everything. I was mistaken yet again. As was the case with many others, once he lost his curiosity in me, he just decided to move on. He might have taken the premise of work for that, leaving me absolutely stranded. But irrespective of how much gutted I am, I will always be thankful to him for one thing - he made me realize how beautiful is the sensation of being in love is. When you are in flying in the clouds with nothing else to worry about, the anticipation for each of his mails, the happiness that I felt when I went through each word of whatever he wrote, those beautiful one-lines that he had, the excitement I felt when I talked to him for the first time over phone, everything, absolutely everything made my day. My days became more brighter, my nights were filled with anticipation of the next day. There was optimism in my life after a long time - even though it was not going to last long. I slowly started smiling at my life. Somewhere down the lane the overwhelming feeling within me that I am a looser started to melt away. And then everything fell apart.

Now I am again left with picking up the pieces and restart it again. I want a final word from him on where we are going to - whether he is still interested in having me around, whether my dreams will remain as dreams for ever or not, whether I was terribly wrong in my choice or not. These are tough questions for which I myself don't know whether I will be able to take in any negative answer from him or not. Probably I will fall apart once I get his answers. But its better that I fall apart now, rather than at a later stage when there would be absolutely no hope of getting my life back on track again.. Boy.. I need a break - a break from this entire mess. I just want to run away from everything. I am sick of myself.. my choices.. my decisions.. my fate.. everything...

Finding Ways

After all the bad things that I have been thinking of, there was one good thing that happened. Yesterday I called him up, and he was saying that he was getting really very busy at work, and hence could'nt get into anything else. I am still not completely sure if that is the case. Something from withing my mind says that he is not comfortable with me around. And he does'nt want to express it to me thinking of what I will feel about it. If that is the case, I feel I should take the lead and get to know from him what he wants. He is too precious for me to be allowed to go through the agony just because he feels that I will get hurt. I will stay in the sidelines, fade away into the horizon, without making any noise if he feels that I am becoming bit of a burdon on him. Man.. I love him so much. The last thing I want to see is him getting into any problems what-so-ever because of me. It will be tough for me.. but I will somehow go through it. I dont want to take my mind to such a level that at a later stage it becomes exceedingly difficult for me to come back. As they say, the impact of a fall increases as the height from which one falls increases. I dont want to get into that sort of mess. Already I feel I am in a big mess with-respect-to him. There is nothing else that comes into my mind except for him.

But how do I go ahead doing this? The easiest way one would asume would be to ask him. But is that such a simple thing to do? I am not sure about it. It is going to be exceptionally hard for me to ask him if he really wants this to go forward or not. I am afraid of two counts - one what if he says he is not interested, and second what if he feel bad about it? In either these cases, I will be gutted. I just dont know what I should be doing. But this cant go for ever. Otherwise I will get mad some day soon. Need to find a way out....

AJ came back from his native place yesterday, and we talked over phone in the night. He went on and on trying to pull my legs on the new female colleague who has recently joined my team. More than anything else he is desperately trying to evoke some sort of feelings in my mind for girls. He believes that I am suppressing my feelings for girls in my mind, and thinks that repeated bombardment of such a thing would result in a change of heart for me. I feel very much guilty when they try to do all these. All these things are happening because I haven't been as open to them as what they expect out of me. Its just due to the fact that I am afraid how they will react once they get to know about the real me. Probably they will hate me for the rest of their lives. After all who wants to have a queer as a friend? That's exactly what I am most worried of. They are so much important for me - they are kind-of my pillar of strength. I cant think of a situation when they are completely away from me. They are the only ones that I have in this city.

I am probably in that phase of life where one small mistake from my side will result in my life falling apart. There is this fear in me - the fear of loosing that's is literally killing me. My family is definitely going to be shattered when they know that I am a queer. My friends will walk away. The person whom I madly love doesn't even know that I love him that much. He may not even have such an idea in his mind. Moreover I see signs of him not interested as well. I am feeling very lonely - so lonely that I don't find a shoulder in sight on which I can put my head on..

Introspections

This emotional rut is kind of killing me. I am incapacitated big time - not able to concentrate at work, not able to even have a good laugh with my friends. The sense of loss is quite overwhelming. The only thing that I could hope for is that he might be busy at work; and that's the reason behind him being cold to the entire thing. But my head says that chances for that is very slim. This might well be his way of politely saying "Enough is enough; go away so that I can lead a peaceful life". That brings me back to square-one. The same place where I was looking for someone to whom I could express myself. The search that I was doing, the search that I thought I found a solution in him, has actually resulted in nothing. I am where I started my search. Just that I lost whatever little hope that I will ever find my love. I have lost hope.. lost hope in everything.

If we go strictly by the books, I was actually trying to do a painting on the ice in bright sunshine. As the ice melts, my painting of life would also drift away. I have sent him a mail for one last time.. Hope he sees it and responds. Otherwise, even though unwillingly, I will have to accept that he is gone for ever from my life. [That was very hard even to write] No matter what happens, it was a very beautiful dream - something that changed me for ever. Something that taught me how it feels when you fall in love. Something that taught me that life is not as simple as it is seen. Something that taught me to dream about love. A whole lot of things I experienced for the first time during this period. I would have done anything for this dream never to end. But dreams always ends. It invariably ends with a rude shock. No difference this time as well. Just that it has completely pulled me down - to such an extend that I am down for the count. It was an emotional roller-coaster ride - a ride that took me to the highs of ecstasy, and to the lows of despair. Thanks my dear for making me feel all of that. Irrespective of whether he needs me or not, I will always love him. He was my first love, and its oh so difficult to forget your first love. And in my case he gave me lots and lots of good memories. That it would have a sad end was almost sure considering the fact that there were lots of constraints on him. Moreover he never ever said that he wanted to get involved in a serious relationship with me. It was just that I was flying in my dreams, imagining things.

Now that it is over, where does it leave me? Time for some serious introspection. I want to run away from this entire world, live a life of isolation for some time, try to start my life fresh. It may not be practical, but then when was I ever practical in life. A dreamer will never be practical.

Starting to accept..

Face your past without regret
Handle your present with confidence
Prepare for future without fear
Keep faith and drop the fear
Dont believe your doubts and never doubt your beliefs
Life is wonderful if you know how to live it..

Well, message of optimism from a friend. Cant help to be apprehensive of the relevance of this message for me. Where is the optimism in my life? Where is the light of my life? Everything seems to have gone away as I have woken up from that dream. The reality of "him" no longer being there has hit me real hard. I am not even able to concentrate well at work. I dont know where life is heading to for me. I feel very lonely and left out.. feel like there is no point in me being what I am.. I am lost - lost for words.. lost for life.. Why did I fall into something that was not going to work out?? And now I find myself in a hole.. so deep that it will be exceedingly difficult to get out of.. I knew that this was bound to happen some day.. But didnt expect it to happen so soon.. Jeez.. whats wrong with me?? What is it that made him move away from me for good?? Right now I just want to be in a lonely place.. cry out loud.. let my emotions and feeling ejected.. Even that I am not able to do. How unfortunte I am??

I just cant get "him" out of my mind.. The more hard I try, the more strongly he comes back. Every five minutes I keep on checking my mail; hoping against hope that "he" would have sent some message. That it would never happen is something that my head says emphatically; but my heart is not willing to accept it. I dont know how I can get back into my normal life. Thought hard and long about it. But could'nt find an answer to that. Maybe spending more time in office, and getting involved in more official stuff will help out a bit. I cant even find a person with whom I can go and discuss it as well - because I dont want the darker side of my life to come out in the open. What will I do?? God.. show me a way...

Start of the End..

One of the worst things in life is when you realise that you are loosing something thats very precious to you; yet you are not able to do anything, as there is very less that is under your control. I feel I am in that state as of now. I am defenitely starting to loose "him". There are distinct signs of disinterest from him, which I am able to read. Maybe the dream is finally coming to an end, and I am about to open my eyes into the cruel reality of life. As they say "A looser is always a looser", irrespective of how hard he tries. There have been stark differences between us. He is ultimately positive, I am ultimately negative.. He is typically an extrovert, I am a damn bad introvert.. He has a dynamic life, I keep on thinking that I am a looser. And much much more.. These differences were bound to come out in the open sooner rather than later.. Its really really hard to sink in.. But this I feel is the start of the end of a beautiful dream.. Gosh.. I am not able to handle this.. Feel as if I am getting myself into a big deep hole.. so deep that even sunlight is not going to reach me.. I am loosing hope very very quickly.. How will I take this all?? I dont know...

Wishful Thinking

Yesterday I expressed my apprehensions in life to "him". I wrote at length on my fears in life, the fact that I am leading a life based on a bunch of lies, and my overwhelming fear that when the truth comes out into the open, I will be completely gone. "He" does'nt like the negative tone in what I write [as "he" is the so-called beacon of positivity. Maybe this startling contrast between the two of us is the thing that attracted him to me to this extend]. Tensions are bound to fly now because of this. "He" will be angry; and probably wont even reply. Now I have to get back to him and get him back to talking terms. But did I say anything wrong yesterday?? I dont think so. Its a bitter pill to swallow; but unfortunately I have to swallow it.

My insecurities are increasing on a daily basis. Everywhere I find no way forward. I am madly in love with "him" - eventhough I have never said it to him, because I am afraid how he will respond, and I wont be able to take in a rejection. If one looks at this objectively, it will sound senseless to asume that "he" has some feelings of the kind I want for me, because of a multitude of reasons. A beautuiful wife, a very happy family.. why would he want a looser like me who is a perennial looser in life? Maybe I am just running behind a lost cause. I am expecting the most unexpected thing that can happen. I might be taking rapid strides into complete disaster. The most saddening fact of this all is that even though I realise all these things, I am not able to change my ways. I am so much madly in love with "him". Dont they say love is blind??

BTW, just as I was writing this, I got a mail forward from one of my friends which had the following lines:

Eventhough the sky seems dark, believe in the future
The storm will pass over, the clouds will roll by
Believe in the best though it seems hidden
Know that it will come though its not in sight
Your faith will take you through the darkness
Your belief shall prove that the sun will shine again

Message from God for me?? I indeed hope that the sun will shine on my life... Just wishful thinking...

A confused weekend

There are times in life when you feel completely lost; completely confused. Probably this weekend was one such. I was all alone over the weekend, as AR and AJ had gone home. MS came over on Friday night, but was busy on Saturday and almost the whole of Sunday. I felt very lonely and kind of depressed. My mind was full of thoughts about "him". Well, "he" is becoming some sort of an infactuation for me. "He" is there everywhere - in my dreams, in my thoughts - everywhere. Am I loosing my senses; or worse am I loosing my ability to look at things with a practical point of view.

Probably I am thinking too much into the entire thing. I dont even know what "he" thinks about me. Maybe "he" is not serious at all. Or else "he" might be looking at me just as a friend. I am keeping of imagining things in my mind - that are never going to work out. I loose a couple of heart-beats when I think of how I will react when I have to face the reality - a reality that would shake off everything that I have been imagining. A rude wake-up call that would bring an end to this beautiful dream. Am I really getting mad for him? I went to the very indifferent step this Sunday that, while I was in church attending the mass I prayed for a strong relationship with him. God, please make my dream come true. This is the first time that I have fallen in love with someone. And I dont want this to come to a disasterous end. For a married man who is deeply committed to his wife and family like him, I dont know how much practical it is.. If at all this dream crash lands [in all probability it would], I would never blame him for that. It must be mighty difficult for him to manage everything without things falling apart. I dont want to take anything away from his family life - something that he cherishes a lot and values a lot. But is'nt it possible for him to spare some of his space for me? I just hope against hope that he is able to do that..

BTW, yesterday I saw his orkut page.. Umm, the dad and kids look so similar. And there was a photo of his wife as well. She looked absolutely gorgeous. "He" is very lucky.

Since I was all alone at home over the weekend, I saw a couple of movies on laptop. One was "Love Actually" [the original of the Hindi movie Salaam-e-Ishq]. Really liked it. Far far better than the crap that the Salaam-e-Ishq provided. The movie handled the emotion of love so sensitively. I really liked the character of Mark [played by Andrew Lincoln] in the movie. Here is a man who is mad about his love, but is desparately insecure to tell it to the outside world. Hey, does'nt it resemble me? And towards the end of the movie, he conveys his true feelings to his love, who also happens to be his best friend's wife. Thats so well taken. When will I ever have the guts to open up myself up like that? Once the movie got over, this was exactly what I was thinking. I dont know. I hope it would happen some time. But time is running out for me. My frustrations are only bound to increase, the longer I keep it to myself.

Yesterday night MS called me up late in the night and we talked for about an hour or so. The subject of discussion was why I am not getting married [no surprises there]. He is one person who honestly want to see me get married and settle down. And he has tried really hard for the last one year for that. But how can I say the real reason to him? How will he react to the news that one of his so called best friends is not straight? Will I remain as one of his friends - even if not his best friend? I really doubt it.. By the way he was persuading me on this matter, I was mightily tempted to open up in front of him. Bu my insecurity about relationship with him stopped from doing it. I finally said that my mind is not a slate which you rub, and something new comes up. I think he asumed that I had an affair earlier, and am trying to get out of it. I am really very very sorry MS.. I should'nt have lied. But I am very afraid if you will take it the way I put it, and hence I had to lie to you. When you realise the truth some day, I hope you will understand me. Little do you know how much passionate I am in my mind for "him" [eventhough it is never going to work out]

I was wrong... again..

Well, as usual I turned out to be wrong in my whims.. He was busy all day at work and hence could'nt come online; and God knows what all things I kept on thinking in my mind. This might be what people call as making a mountain out of a mould. I had smsed him some time in the noon [my patience was running out] and that was when I got a response saying that he was slogging at work.. He called me sometime in the evening and we talked for about 10-15 minutes.. That certainly calmed my nerves.. :-) Poor guy seems to be having a pretty bad time at work.. He says its cos he started getting along with me that all the bad habits that I was having is getting transferred to him.. If one looks at it in an analytical way, he maybe right in whatever he said as well. I just remembered what the condition was for me last year at this point of time. I was slogging - in every sense of the word.. Working for around 14-16 hours a day; seven days a week.. Now I am relaxed.. with not much of work. And the poor my man - he seems to be at the bad end of things at work.. slogging pretty bad. I could'nt stop myself from laughing when he said this. Hope his struggles at work get over soon.

Am I loosing him?

Finally I got the courage to give my phone number to him.. And he gave me his as well.. And we talked over phone a couple of days back. Contrary to what I expected, I was not tensed at talking with him.. I rather felt at ease talking with him. It happened on Wednesday evening. I felt like I was in heaven. Maybe the relief that it finally happened made me feel that way. I started dreaming about things.. times that I would spend with him.. nad much more.

But it does'nt take much of a time for destiny to crash my dreams. I was brought back to earth yesterday when I called him up. Everything that could go wrong went wrong.. I guess I called him up at the most awkward time.. Probably his wife was along with him when I called him. I could clearly sense an uncofortability factor in the way he talked. He was not able to speak out openly. I am really worried that I might have landed him up in a soup. Whay did I call him?? I dont know..

Today he has'nt come online.. Is he angry with me?? Has he decided that enough is enough between us.. Or has decided to cut off everything.. All dangerous thoughts are coming in my mind.. Feels as if earth is moving down from my feet.. I dont know how I will react if that is the case.. I am tense.. as tense as I have ever been.. No.. I dont want to miss him.. at any cost.. I am afraid to call him up as well.. What if he just disconnects, thereby indicating that he does'nt want to talk.. God.. whay are these things happening to me?? After a long time I felt that I have found someone with whom I am kind of "in-love".. Now that as well seems to be going away..

My Worries...

I am back at my desk after a gap of almost a week.. Boy.. did I miss my desk during this period. Every day seemed to be like an eternity. I missed his mails on each and every day.. I was a bit surprised that he sent me mails even when he knew that I maynot respond.. Is he actually liking me?? Umm.. my dreams are getting wilder. But when i realise the reality that I may never be able to be what I want to be with him, i feel extremely hurt. This is just a dream. When the dawn breaks out, this dream will be over - and I will be pulled back to reality - a cruel reality that he is not mine.. He has a family on whom he dies for. I am just dreaming about things - but I feel as if I am enjoying my time in the dreams. I am worried of the day when he comes up and says he has nothing more to do with me. I am worried of the day when he starts feeling that my relationship with him is starting to affect his family life, and hence wants to back-off from this. I am worried of the day when he says that whatever that was there between us was just a dream, and its time to walk into the reality. I dont know how I will react to such a situation. The very thought of that makes me scary. But when you are in a world of dreams, you tend to forget about everything that resembles reality, and tend to live in that. Its utterly foolish - but I am absolutely mad at him, and even after knowing that I am into disaster, I am still living that dream.

Had lots 0f mail exchanges today.. At times things getting very passionate about our friendship. He wants our relationship to be of that nature only. Since he wants it that way, I also pretend to be in that way. Little does anyone know that I am completely mad for him. I am afraid I will cross the line some day - which would result in dooms day for both of us. He would defenitely not want to get involved with me the way I want. There is a huge urge in me to take one more step forward. Atleast talk to him through phone. I am even timid to give him my number. But without taking that step how would this go ahead? I dont know.. I simply dont know..

You've Got Mail

Last weekend I saw the movie "You've Got Mail" on TV. Its the umpteenth time that I am seeing that movie. But I still love it a lot.. This time there was a difference in the way I saw it. I could relate to everything in that movie. Its the same way in which our relationship is going on. I too wait for his mails all day long - though we have never seen each other. I get restless when I dont get his mails for some extended period of time. Looks like things are getting a bit too close for comfort. What initially started as a small experiment in life, is now taking the shape of something from which I wont be able to back off that easily. Am I falling in love with him?? The practical side of me says a big no to that.. But the emotional side of me says a big yes to that.

These days I get that big urge to take that one step ahead.. Maybe call him.. Talk to him or something. But somewhere down the line I am afraid. As I have told him, I am basically a very timid person.. Shame on me. In the near future, I will have to take some step to carry this forward. Otherwise I will loose him for ever. All this while, I have been very insensitive to him. How much long can he take my insensitivity?? Moreover, I myself feel that I should take the step forward.. Gosh, I desparately need him..

Loosing him??

These days things seems to be cooling down a little bit between us. He seems to be a tad uninterested in the entire thing. Probably I am not getting upto him as far as his expectations goes. I will never blame him for that either. Cos I know I am a bit too conservative and timid to accept what I want out of him [though I want hime desparately]. I always give hime illusive answers to whatever he put forward, and that might have resulted in freezing of that beautiful relationship. Or is it that my worst fear is coming true? Am I loosing him? Oh no... I cant imagine that. That would be an absolute hearbreak for me. If at all such a thing happens, there is noone but me to be blamed. He always wanted to take the step forward; I resisted. I am getting that sinking feeling of missing out on him. Oh God.. Pls dont let such a thing happen.....

Back in town from frying pan

After my short trip to Hyderabad, I am back in town. The trip was very tiresome I shoud admit. Hyderabad is frying hot. In the past week I have been in three cities - Cochin, Bangalore and Hyderabad. Cochin was exceptionally humid. Hyderabad is like a frying pan. Bangalore seems to be the better option to be in this summer. Though its hot and a bit humid these days, its nothing compared to what I had in stall in both Cochin and Hyderabad. Eventhough it was a short trip, saw the Hussain Sagar Lake, Birla Mandir, iMax, walked through the famous necklace road in Hyderabad. And no visit to Hyderabad is complete without a Hyderabadi Biryani. Umm... That tasted so good..

Back in office today. Saw one mail from him in my mail box yday. No mails today though. :-( He said he had a sinus attack couple of days back. Guess he is not well. Hope he's fine, and he will be able to be back in action from next week..

Atlast the weekend has come. :-) Time to just sleep.. and do nothing else.. maybe watch a movie as well. My friends have been saying that "300" is a very good movie. If possible, should watch it over the weekend. Also, my roomie has plans for some shopping over the weekend..

I miss him

Today he has'nt come online. Yesterday he had left office a bit early. He had said that he was feeling feverish and sick. That should mean that he is down with illness now. :-( Hope he gets better soon and comes online soon. I am out of touch tomorrow as I would be travelling. So, in all probability, I would get to hear from him only 2 days from now. Ufff.. I miss him.. I dont have his fone number either to talk...

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